I am at a loss. Sometimes it feels like my H and I are going to be fine. We will go days where the A is the last thing we talk about, the rest of the day it feels almost like normal. Just being with our kids and living our lives, laughing even.
There are always questions though that pop into my head. His answers do not help me feel better and always seem full of holes. Like he is answering from his mindset now, not when he was involved with the OW.
I find in moments when we are together, lying in bed in the morning or cuddling on the couch after the kids are in bed, I am happy at first and enjoy being close to him. The longer we are like that, the more I want to push him away from me. I can not stand that he looks to comfortable and content, while I am still racked to the core from his lies. My merely holding him makes him feel better, but he is still unable or unwilling to provide the answers I need to feel comfort and trust.
The other night while he was working I started reading some of the old emails between him and the OW. I was looking for the name of some place they had planned to go dancing. My H and I passed it coming home from grocery shopping and I asked him if he remembered the name of the place and he said he didn't even remember making plans to go dancing with her. I though, whatever, I recognized the name, but I wanted to be sure. After skimming the emails looking for it I was reminded just how bad they had been. He got home and I had to do my best not to pick a fight with him.
I remember how in the beginning I would read the emails and get upset and want explanations from him. If he could only do that I would feel just a bit better. Like he really was sorry and wanted to share everything with me. Seeing the emails again after not looking at them for so long, I feel like I want nothing to do with the man who wrote them. I just want out.

I was sorta mopey all weekend. He would ask me what was wrong or what I was thinking, but I would not want to talk about it. That happens a lot lately. I was always the one that wanted to talk and now I just can not get the words out, like they get stuck in my throat.I think I feel like talking is not going to help, because is has not in the past... so what is the point.
I feel like MC has been pointless. I do not even know why we are going anymore. At first it was because of the affair. Last night I asked my H if he even wanted to keep going. He said he liked going and that he felt like he learned that he has never really been completely open with me our entire marriage. So , I asked him if that had something to do with the A. Would he have not gotten involved with the OW and confided so much or complained about me to her if he was more open with me? What was it about me that made it so hard for him to open up to me? He said that he usually complained about things that did not bother him that much or he knew I would be right about anyway so why start and argument by expressing his opinion.
I told the MC two weeks ago, at our last appointment, that I did not think I would be coming back. My H is going this week and I am welcome to come, but I want him to go alone, part of me also wants to go to discuss this further with our MC.

I don't know. I feel like I have to forget to forgive. But I never really forget and so I lose all feeling of forgiveness.

Louise .. the whole healing process takes time .. you wil never forget.. but you can let go of the A memory..

I just want to say that my H forgot so many things.. that he did with the OW.. but could recall all the things with me.. my H was committed to me but not to the OW..she and stuff to do with her were not that important.. I know it sounds strange but the A was about your H feeling good ithe A was about himself NOT ow.. the OW could have been any W....that is why he can get back to life quickly..

You didn't have any thing to do with his A.. he is trying to find answers as my H did..My H lacks emotional intimacy.. that allowed him to stray from the marriage.... that is why IC/MC is so healthy..

sorry this is short am on the run..

But will try to post more later..

((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Thank you for the advice. It has been comforting at times knowing that this is happening to other couples and it is not that unusual...sad that it has to be that way, but comforting to know I am not alone.

I can understand what you are saying, but I feel like forgiving him at this point, believing that this has nothing to do with me, is making excuses for him. I know I will never forget, but forgiveness feels impossible since he only seems sorry to me that he was caught or that it has driven a wedge between us now, but while he was aware he was emotionally abandoning me and that his A was wrong and causing problems in our marriage he continued it with no problem or deference to my feelings. (His words)
My H's A lasted five months, during which time he completely stopped communicating with me but would fight with me about everything. I would confront him and ask him if he was hiding something and he would lie to me telling me everything was fine, but I was always fighting with him, so if I would just lay off things would get better between us. I believed him and spent all those months being a complete door mat and it did not help. Either I would boil over and we would fight or I would notice that we were not getting any better by me leaving him be.

After D-Day it took three more times, catching him before he actually stopped talking to the OW. He insists that it was never physical, but the emails tell a different story...something he insists was all just a fantasy to the two of them.

How can I just forgive him with no explanation? How can I just let him say "I'm sorry I just have emotional problems and I took it out on you." and have that be enough of an apology for all problems he has caused.
I know I should try to be the bigger person right now, but it is so so hard. I feel like I deserve better than this.

Louise,

You do, indeed, deserve better than your H is giving. Sadly, the pattern of continued lying is not that unusual for a WS. They will often convince themselves that they are lying to protect the BS, but really they are doing so to protect themselves.

Have you printed out a copy of Joseph's Letter for your H? Have you read Janis Abrahm Spring's books "After the Affair" and "How Can I Forgive You?" If not, I strongly suggest that you do. I also found Dr. Shirley Glass' book, "Not JUST Friends" very helpful.

It sounds to me like your H is still in the A fog. You won't feel like forgiving him until he understands what he did and is truly remorseful. Forgiveness needs to be earned; otherwise, the WS is getting off easy and may be tempted to cheat again. In addition, cheap forgiveness burdens the BS by adding to his/her already low self-esteem.

I suggest that you read the articles at dearpeggy.com because I believe you will find them extremely insightful as well and a fast read.

Remember to take care of you. No one else can.

Encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

>How can I just forgive him with no explanation? How can I just let him say "I'm sorry I just have emotional problems and I took it out on you." and have that be enough of an apology for all problems he has caused. I know I should try to be the bigger person right now, but it is so so hard. I feel like I deserve better than this.

Louise:

Those are powerful questions. I struggled with those same questions in the reconciliation of my marriage. I found there are two related but totally separate issues at hand. One depends on you and you alone. The other depends on your husband.

The first problem that I discovered in my thinking was that I kept trying to excuse my wife from her affair rather than forgive her. I'd look for reasons that she had the affair that were 'not her fault'. For example, that she was a victim of the OM's unrelenting persistence and manipulations, or that her childhood circumstances handicapped her to have an affair. These all had the common thread that I was looking for a 'good reason' that she betrayed her promises to me and broke my heart. The list of reasons was seemingly endless as I worked very hard to find a good excuse for her.

However, in the end none of them would stick. Like you, I also had emails between her and the OM. When I read those, they always challenged the excuses that I had for her. I was in great conflict between the excuses that I wanted to believe and the facts that I knew. I didn't have to read the emails for this to occur, since the ideas in them were always running around in my head. I guess that deep down I always knew that she wasn't a victim or helpless... she was responsible. It was important breakthrough for me when I finally realized that I was trying to excuse her rather than forgive her.

I wasn't alone in trying to find excuses for her. She was working very hard to find excuses for herself. She gave me plenty of help in finding excuses. In fact, we both were working hard at it. When I came to the first realization, then I also understood what she was doing.

If she was trying to find an excuse, then she wasn't taking responsibility for what she had done. She was working to deny it, and in denying it she was also continuing the pattern of deceit that reached it's extreme in the affair. Knowing this allowed me to confront her and require that she become honest, take responsibility and work on real reconciliation in order to continue the marriage. The important part of this is not that I gave her an ultimatum (I don't believe I gave her one), it's that I finally understood the problem and was able to ask for the right things to allow reconciliation.

The only thing I asked for was total honesty from her with compassion for me. To me, this meant that she needed to be honest in all things, including our conversations about the affair. Of course it meant that she be honest with herself and no longer live in a state of denial. It also meant that she needed to work hard to consider my feelings in choosing her words and ways of sharing difficult facts.

For myself, I had to work on forgiving her without an excuse. The honest fact is that my wife had an affair because she first chose to exchange those emails which allow her to cement an illicit relationship with the OM. After that had occurred she chose to spend time with the OM in situations and places where sexual intimacies could occur. As those things happened and escalated over the course of the affair, she chose to continue the emails, phone conversations, and meetings that lead to more and more betrayal of our marriage. While my wife took steps at a few points to try to end the affair, she only tried to "turn down the volume" rather than "pull the plug" on the relationship (until D-day). All of these facts point out that she is responsible for what she did with the OM and there is no excuse to minimize that responsibility. As a result, if I want to continue my marriage with her (emotionally, not just legally), then I have no choice but to forgive her. That has been my work in reconciliation.

TomJ

Louise,

I would like to add to TomJ's excellent post. Forgiveness is not an all-or-nothing action. It is a process. Further, some people are not able to forgive 100% although I am not sure how we quantify forgiveness, but I do know that my H had to earn my forgiveness, and that did not happen in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. Please don't beat yourself up expecting to forgive your H and not being able to when he (and maybe you, too) think you should.

ff