Well again, I find myself here again in the middle of the night sickened by how I feel.

I got upset last night because Greg couldn't handle my being angry and I left home and went to my son's house for the night.

I am upset about a lot of things with this relationship and with work, He is the human resource manager here, so unfortunately we have some issues here at work also, which I was very upset about (long story). Needless to say all this work drama is the last thing I need on top of everything else.

I was gone last night and slept on my son's couch to catch my breathe and not stay here and argue with him because I was SO angry and having a meltdown due to everything I have been going through. He did state "this is not about our relationship and whats going on with US" what he doesn't understand is, its very hard at this stage to "compartmentalize" situations, when he starts losing his patience or saying stuff its about EVERYTHING at this point in time, when the hurt is so raw and your still bleeding all over the place.

It was very obvious he could not handle my anger which made me angrier and I knew I would end up with MORE hurt, I so wanted him to be understanding and just listen, He couldn't do that, he immediately started with "how I talk to him" etc. He just doesn't have the patience to deal with all the hurt and anger I feel, which I feel isn't fair, I feel I deserve at least him to hear me out and not make it about him. His only concern was where I was and asked me over and over, I told him my son's, then he goes off to sleep and I don't hear from him again, He doesn't deal with me or my feelings.

He texted me a few times today "I love you" I didn't answer him because I was still upset, and again was unhappy at how he dealt with things, he knew I was upset, yet just text's "good morning" "I love you" nothing else, no email, no apology no understanding, NOTHING.

Then It came to my attention he discussed our personal business with another employee which really upset me, Telling them "I was leaving him" "did they know where I was" was I coming to work etc.

When I attempt to call on him on this, via text while I am working, explaining I had asked him before not to discuss our personal business and he didn't respect me again, he of course attempts to lie and say "why are these the first words you speak to me', and "that contrary to what I believe he doesn't talk about us" I text back thats bull and that he knows damn well he did and reminded him to not go back to lying. He then gets an attitude with ME saying "okay whatever you say Cindy I am nothing but bull I guess", does say the person did say 'I wasn't mad at him', He then drops it, says nothing for the rest of the evening of course avoids it all as usual, and then is asleep when I get in from work. Again, No understanding how I feel, NO email, no note nothing, Ironic he seems angry at me!

All I can think is ????? what is wrong with him, that he can't keep his emotions in check at work with his position he holds here. Its funny I have to keep my emotions in check and don't discuss our personal business with anyone, I constantly defend him and put him in a good light, NO MATTER how I am feeling about him, I remain professional. Does he not understand how I feel and how hard it is for me?! I am the one he constantly lied to, I am the one who got screwed out of a job I deserved for no good reason, YET I have to manage to walk around here and not have and attitude and treat everyone decent. He does not afford me the same luxury. I constantly have co workers asking me "whats the matter with greg"? Because he walks around with an attitude that everyone sees but HIM, yet I remain faithful to him and respect him and constantly make excuses for him. If you didn't know and know one does, you would think I did something to HIM.

Due to the fact it's unprofessional and I have asked him over and over to NOT discuss my personal business with anyone here even just recently as LAST week, I had this conversation with him as I have been approached at work asking if we broke up etc, I tried to explain how it makes me feel and how disrespectful it all is and how much it upsets me.

He again doesn't keep his word, thats what ALOT is about in this relationship and where alot of the problems stem from, he can't keep his word to me about much for any lenght of time,I tried to explain that over the weekend at length, with an anology about our boss who he has the same struggles with, Claimed he understood how frustrating it all is.

What upsets and hurts me the most this evening a hurt I can't explain, is the fact that I happened to learn earlier this evening, that just TODAY he was on Craigslist searching under woman seeking men, and "casual encounters" even responded to an add. You know one of those Bombshells looking for descrete "fun".

I also learned he has a yahoo email account I knew nothing about. Of course he will make light of this, OF COURSE he will cause he DOESNT GET IT! Or maybe the joke is on me and he does, but he just doen't care.

It will be OH you were mad at me, I thought you were leaving me etc. thats what he will tell himself, Same story as before. This is such a messed up pattern for him.

As I see it he will stay stuck and F'd up. How does a person that commits himself to go to AA, to be honest faithful, give full disclose, be an open window etc. DO THIS??

Saddens me to the core and literally hurts my heart, that after reading ALL he has here, seeing how devastating this behavior all is. ALL the promises he made. This is what he does, especially at a time he is suppose to be earning back trust. It seems his theory and logic is when you get mad or upset and things aren't going your way, you get to do this type of stuff to feel better. I wonder if I took a page out of his book and it would be okay if i did the same to make myself "feel" better? Cause god know's I am mad, upset and things certainly aren't going my way. Imagine if we all had this logic? anytime upset you get to do what you want doesn't matter who you hurt, His logic and behavior makes NO SENSE, because its NONSENSE. Upsetting as it is, there is NO understanding or safety in me even being angry. The message he gives is I get mad enough or have too many feelings, he's gonna lie again or play, because my anger doesn't feel good and he's not mature enough to handle it, soo he has to go and make himself "feel" good again. IT all a sick pattern!
I feel he does what he needs to "feel" better with NO regard for my feelings. I am so sickened at the fact this is what he turns to, or this is what makes him "feel" better, that this is the man I fell in love with and stuck by, I feel like I don't even know who I fell in love with, It's SO upsetting.


It's what he turns to after ONE day, cause I was angry at him, No surprise he's done this before, a year ago or so, we had an argument and he signed up for a dating site the next day looking for walks on the beach, romance etc, posted his pictures and everything.

who does this to someone they claim they "love" and is "trying" to work it out, This is trying?
What is most messed up is he will make this about HIS feelings and how UPSET HE IS, over what he did, My feelings won't matter much, cause they are too ugly for him, it was be about HIS hurt and his crying and breaking down, how messed up HE is.

He wonders why I couldn't move forward and trust? Ironically he wants to know where I am and what I am doing every second, it's unacceptable for him to even think of feeling this way or being treated this way, yet he does what he does and reasons it out.

I know he will ever know how much he has hurt me or how hard I tried to make it work with him, How truly hard it all was to continue and go on and remain standing.
It's his pattern of behavior,It's who he is especially when NO one's looking, or he thinks no one's looking, it's what he does, and it's so friggin sad and sickening to me.

It's really such a shame, he's just willing to lose everything. NOT INTENTIONALLY of course, his intentions are always good, if I hear that ONE more time I am going to vomit!

I don't mean to ramble on and on, yet I have such a need to get this all out,as it feels like poison to me right now.
I know each of you knows exactly this horrific hurt,pain, disappointment, devastation and anger, the list goes on and on, especially when it's someone you love and wanted SO bad to believe, to only be kicked in the face again, to continue to bleed everywhere.

The words "hurt" "devastated" "pain" all those adjectives are just words to him, he really doesn't get the meaning or what they really feel like for ME. He apprears to be a messed up person, and so very lost. It's really such a shame He doesn't do the right thing for any length of time. I believe he could of, he's the one that gave up on himself and did what "feels" good for HIM. It's really his loss all round. He had someone in his corner that loved him the right way, was faithful to him, and stood by him with a sumpreme gift to offer, he just doesn't know how to value that and that's what's sad.



I am glad I see now how deep rooted his issues are and those issues aren't going anywhere anytime soon, unless he gets some serious help he can make all the promises he wants. I know I was right in my gut not to trust in him again, he did nothing to make that possible or make it that he wouldn't make these choices for himself again.



For him to make these choices at this time watching me bleed all over, all I can say is he's messed up or he never really loved me the right way.



Had he gained the undertanding of it all, and just lived this recovery he wouldn't have done what he did or find himself in the situation he did. He had all the tools right in front of him, I guess he figures he just doesn't have to use them when NO one is looking he could continue to do things his way and fullfill his needs to "feel" good at any cost.



I guess what he figured what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me, thats not what you do or how you treat someone you claim to love and care for. I don't deserve that, I don't deserve any of this.



I deserve to be with someone who values me, loves me and treats me with respect. Not with someone who keeps saying "I can't help it" "I'm messed up" "I wasn't thinking" and even when all the help, support and love is right in front of him!



I hurt and I have accepted I will for a LONG time, I had so many hopes for him, it sucks its all before the holidays, it's so hard to enjoy anything right now, I have to go day by day.



I hope in time I will get better and look at life different then I do sitting here now, that's my hope. It's going to be a hard long struggle filled with pain, pain I didn't ask for or deserve, all for trying to believe in someone I love.



How can someone profess over and over to love you and do this to you? what kind of love is that? What gives someone the permission to do this to another, what in the F do they have to tell themselves??



Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do, I don't have alot of options right now. I have to find a way to continue day by day without all the rage and anger, it does me no good, and just eats away at me.

keep me in your prayers, I don't know how much more I can take. This is just getting heavier and heavier on my heart as time goes along.



edited a gazillion times due to being so emotionally and physically exhausted, I can't put a thought together....

(((((((Cindy)))))))



Red flags are flying HIGH right now, and I know you see them! The fact hat he was on Craigslist "looking" for a casual encounter means he is not interested in working on the marriage. Looking for someone online and lying constantly are "actions". He may "say" he wants to work on the marriage but what does his "actions" say Cindy? A man willing to do whatever it takes does not have an email account you know nothing about, trolls for OW's online, and continues to lie, disrespect, and hurt you over and over again.



Eventually Cindy you will have to do more than just tell him his behavior is unacceptable, you will have to show him and teh sooner the better. You sense he is about ready to run if you dont give him a free pass, and he senses that he isnt going to get that free pass so he is looking at his options outside of the marriage and not working on the marriage. I do not want to upset you, but I think you do know what is going on here and that is why you are hurting. You know he is not capable/willing/able for whatever reason, but it's not about you. HE has issues..he needs to deal with them instead of constantly avoiding them. He is feeling forced to face himself. You cannot force someone to do anything, but you can change how you react to their in/actions. You deserve better than this Cindy. Stop putting up with it.



Your actions need to match your words. In order to do that you have to look inside of you Cindy. What are your personal boundaries? What are the consequences of your personal boundaries being crossed? What is and is not acceptable in your marriage, meaning what are the boundaries in your marriage? What are the consequences for the boundaries in the marriage being crossed? For example: His having responded to an ad on Craigslist. Do you consider that crossing a boundary, either personal in the marriage, or both? If so what should be the consequence of that boundary being crossed, especially after he has already cheated on you and has lied and has daid over and over again he wants the marriage but has only given you lip service and has done virtually nothing to prove he does? In fact, his actions have shown his disinterest in working on the marriage. So what now Cindy? The ball is in your court. If you stick up for yourself make sure you can follow through with it, cause if you give in before he shows true remorse he will continue to do the same things over and over again because you will have shown him that he can and your words lose all credability....that is why I say YOUR actions must also match YOUR words.



Me, personally, knowing what I know now and all that I have been through...his responding to an ad on Craigslist would be his ticket out the door...regardless of finances or anything else. If he is willing to lose everything to hookup with someone online, then guess what? Let him! The day I stood there holding that big bag of pot in my hand, demanding that my WH made a choice, was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, cause I knew deep down inside (because he could never keep his word, and if he did it wasnt for long) he was going to choose the pot. But when he picked it up and walked out the door the reality of it really hit me hard. At first I thought I made a mistake sticking up for myself like that and demanding respect and demanding he keep his word, and demanding he step up to the plate, but now I know I did what I had to do...the pot would always come first...he would always put his selfish WANTS (not needs...there is a huge difference) before me, the children, and the marriage. That is when I realized I was the only one woking on the marriage...I was alone, and had been for a very long time, and that it takes two...that a marriage needs to reciprocal. Cindy, your marriage does not seem reciprocal...no matter what he says, you are the only one working on the marriage. So after WH walked out the door with the pot I knew that I had been alone all this time...the only difference now was that he was no longer physically here. It has always been all about him and he showed me that day that it always will be. I need someone (not want) who is a willing partner in the marriage...not someone who is going to bail on me because I requested that they actually participate in the marriage. That's not a marriage...it's called being a doormat...being used until something/one easier comes along. The problem is they dont understand that every relationship takes two people and every relationship requires work. My guess is that like my WH he would have continued to claim to be working on the marriage until he was sure he had someone else lined up (which was why he was probably on Craigslist) and he was assured he would not be alone and suffer the consequences of his actions. I am not saying this is why he was there, but that it was a possibility...obviously he responded to an ad and that says alot about where his head is at in all of this. These are HIS ACTIONS. What are they telling you?

~ CAL

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cal,

I am on my way out to work, I will post later. I just wanted to thank you for responding to all my ramblings and taking the time out to respond.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted more then I can ever remember.
I don't have a battery in my back and I am only human, so this no sleeping and stress is doing a job on me.
I have to take care of "me" but it's so hard when you feel you can't even breathe.
I know in time I will feel better, it's just going to take ALONG time.
Thanks again.

Cindy,

I am sorry you are drained...unfortunately it si normal when your world has been turned upside down. The only other thing I can say is that when someone has one foot out the door, it means they are not invested in the relationship. He needs to have both firmly planted and step up to the plate. He's just not doing that.

((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cindy,

One of the hardests lessons learned for me was that the boundaries I make are mine and not my husbands. I cannot make his boundaries for him. When my boundaries are broken the consequence is not me crying,yelling at him, and demanding change, the consequences have to be mine to act in a way to protect myself from future broken boundaries. I cannot protect him from himself, but I can protect me from him.

He has boundaries, but they are not in-sinc with yours.

It has been said...That insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Your lastest post suggest you are undersanding this.

I'm sorry you are being hurt so much, you do not deserve this.

Ami