I am feeling really really lost.
It seems like a few days ago I was starting to feel like things might actually take a turn for the better, but then everything feel to pieces again.
My H still has not disclosed everything. I gave him Joseph's letter and he even attended a session of IC with our MC. I was hoping between the two he would come back and open up to me, but he did not. He says that everything is still in a fog for him. He had deleted the old emails, so he asked me to send them to him so he could read them more and try to remember.
So far he has not had the time, but in putting them together for him I have had plenty of time to look at them and see in indiscrepancies between what he has been telling me and what I see written. Now I feel like I have been lied to all over again. That by dropping my pursuit to have questions answered from the emails I have let him mislead me or I have mislead myself. Now all the comfort and trust I had for him are gone. I find I am just hardened to him, he says he needs me but all I can think about how he laughed and joked about getting rid of me with the OW. He says he loves me, but he goes on and on about all his doubts about me to the OW. Worst of all he admits that his behavior during the affair was the reason for the bad times between us, but he continued to blame them on me, to my face and to the OW. Who actually had the nerve to email me one time and tell me I was horrible for making my H choice between his marriage and his friends (i.e. Her)

It all seems so hopeless to me. I just do not feel I can forgive. I have had so many tragedies to work through over the past few years. My father cheated on my mom and even though they were married he just moved to another room in the house and continued his relationship with the OW. 7 years my mom lived with that. Then two years ago this Sept. he died when a 16 year -old girl with a new license driving an SUV full of her friends slammed into him while he was stopped for a bus dropping off students. He would have lived, but he was in a motorcycle, he was thrown from the bike and then run over by the SUV. The girl got off with 6 months probation. She wasn't even sorry. She used to post on her Myspace page about how lucky she and her friends where that they were wearing their seat-belts... not one word about how they had taken a man's life because they were not paying attention. Now this A. I feel like all I can do is hold grudges at this point. I have turned every cheek on my body.
I feel bad that my H did not marry a more forgiving person.
The other day I said I did not feel like I could go on with this R and he had the nerve to tell me I could, because I was stronger than he was. I guess he meant it to be a compliment, but I am insulted that he is leaning on me when I am the one who desperately needs something to lean on.

I am due in three weeks. Christmas is coming so for my kids sake I have been trying to hold it together and be civil. I just want to leave as soon as this new baby is born. MC is not helping, I feel like we are both just stuck and it is all due to me.

Louise,

you wrote: "MC is not helping, I feel like we are both just stuck and it is all due to me."

It is so not all do to you. If this were true then every single BS could be blamed similarly. Depression gets the better of us all. I was not only depressed, I could be called a crazy, raving _itch. That first year and a half I didn't know which end was up. I obsessed so much about the OW when I was making copies at work and my mind could wonder to those awful affairs thoughts, that the copy machine actually became a trigger. Everytime I went into that room for years after I would think of her. I still do, but at least now I don't trigger and I can instantly brush the thought away.

My point is, this is no easy business. I feel that for the first year at least, the repsoncibility is mostly on the WS because the BS is so destroyed. If this does not happen recovery is much more difficult. Even with the lopsided carrying of the load I felt I was doing way more than my H simply staying with him and trying not to throw up when he walked in the door.

I am so sorry you are going through this while carrying a precious baby. That has got to be making the rollercoaster ride even wilder. But don't blame yourself Louise, please don't, none of this is your fault.

Ami

((((Louise))))  " I feel like we are both just stuck and it is all due to me." 

IT IS NOT due to you.  YOU are the one who has been traumatized by his actions.  You are not stuck, you are trying to move forward but you have an anchor tied around you in the name of your WS who seems to still be "in the fog" of self-deception. 

One of my mantras early on was Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

You are strong, you are holding it together under a number of tremendous burdens.  I cannot even imagine what it would be like to go through this kind of betrayal whilst pregnant!  You need to take care of you and your kids......HE needs to take care of you and your kids.  HE needs to be a husband and a father and be the strong one right now.  The last thing you need at this moment is to try to be bolstering him up and holding him together too.

Let me qualify my statements with I decided to divorce my WS because he would not step up to the plate and do what needed to be done to save our M.  Essentially he made a choice by not making a choice or taking any action.  I came to the end of my rope and let go of the anchor. 

You said "My father cheated on my mom and even though they were married he just moved to another room in the house and continued his relationship with the OW. 7 years my mom lived with that."

There is an old adage, something about at some point realizing that we have become our mother/father.  Don't become your mother and let your H know that you are NOT your mother.  One thing I learned in the past year was that I was the wife that my mother was and always supported him and backed him up with whatever and whenever.  In the past year I have noted a change in my "kids" (21 and 17 now) and our relationship.  Now that I am standing up for myself (and them) they feel empowered to stand up for themselves.  They are becoming the person I always should have been and am now becoming.  This has been a good thing for all of us. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time.  I have no doubt that you are strong enough to land on your feet and survive this.  Realize that it is up to your H as to whether you survive it together or apart.  HE needs to be the one taking action and doing whatever it takes to put everything together because HE is the one who made the choices that tore it all apart.  NONE of this is due to you.

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~

I agree with Ami & Chris...it is not due to you. Had he not put you BOTH in this position you would not be where you are at. As long as the MC is not giving the WS a free pass because you (the BS)is currently struggling then I would continue with MC. And I feel like Ami, they are the ones who created this mess I feel it is more their job to get us out of it and od the work....just hanging in there is more than any WS should expect at this point. None of this is easy and please dont blame yourself because it isnt.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

So what should I do? I mean, currently, I have expressed these feelings to my H more than once. That I am slowly, but surely, losing my ability and patience with R.
For example this weekend. Unfortunately at the moment he is working two jobs to help get us through the holidays, so once we get the kids to bed he has to get ready for work. We really do not have time to talk. He gets home around 11 or midnight and it is too late to talk then, he tries, but usually ends up falling asleep.

He just seems to clueless as to what to do. We wake up and immediately go about the business of taking care of our kids and doing what it takes to run the household. It's all so "normal" but the entire day it is always on my mind, there just never seems to be time to talk about it. When we do find the time it is almost always to late that he gets exhausted. Another problem, even when we do talk, he never knows what to say, only that he does not want me to quit, but never has a solution. He says that he get so flustered at the idea of my leaving him that his thoughts just get scattered.
I know we have not been R for very long, just 5 months, but I feel like I have been the one calling all the shots.
I organized all the email conversations by date so he could go through them to help him remember. I start every conversation we have about the A. I have given him easy "assignments" to help him explain himself to me, I give him a week to complete them... but currently none of them have been completed.
I try to be nice to him, but I feel like he just takes advantage. If I get mad he has anxiety and it blocks him, if I just try to be kind and patient he goes about things like "normal" and all my requests get pushed down some invisible cue. It is infuriating and his lack of action takes away from his worthless words that he does not want me to leave. As I write this I feel like I am being taken completely for granted.
He knows I am in no position to leave and he is milking it for all the time he needs. When i get really fed up I snap. One day we had a big fight and our oldest, who is only 4, was around for it. He got mad at me for being a bitch in front of her and told me he was done if this is what it was going to be like until we R. This was the second "big" fight we had and both times he has told me he was done and wanted out, later retracting it saying he was just speaking out of anger.

This is why I say I am lost. If I do things on his time table, I feel like there is no more R. He will just happily sail on and expect me to keep up. If I comply for the sake of the R then I just get fed up and do something rash or we end up fighting.