I have not been able to let go of this anger. In fact according to my MC, I am finally feeling anger and I have come of the initial "shock" of discovering my H's affair. She is right. I actually feel angry at my H. An anger I normally reserved for the OW. Now I point it at both of them.
It makes R very hard.
To top it off I still have not let go of hurting or humiliating the OW in some way that makes me feel as if I have one back my dignity. Though out this entire process I have tried to be civil about it, knowing that any thing I did do could get me in more trouble than it is worth. I did make some terrible mistakes. After I caught my H the second time, I insisted to prove to me that he was serious about ending his A with the OW, that he contact HR and let them know about the inappropriate relationship he was having. I even volunteered to get a babysitter and go with him when he did. He agreed and then about 7 hours later changed his mind, insisting they might just fire him on the spot.
I was enraged, but agreed to look into the employee policy handbook to see exactly what kind of consequences this A would have on his job. He hymned and hawed, first forgetting to even locate or request a handbook, but then even talking or making an appointment with HR. He was still involved with the OW that entire week or so and not long after I caught him the third time, by this time I was so enraged I wrote her a very angry email. Then later in a fit of incredible anger and desperation to get the truth about the sexual nature of their A from somewhere I broke into the OW email account. While I wish I could say I am sorry I did that, I am not. I discovered more lies that my H was telling me.
The OW went to HR. Naturally, she was feeling threatened since I sent the email and then broke into her yahoo account. My H was written up for the A and for the break-in and we think she was written up for the A as well.
My H was upset , but relieved he did not get outright fired. The bad news is he has been officially written up twice, a third time and he will be fired. Is job is "safe" for now, but on thin thin ice I am sure.
I was mostly just angry because if he had gone to HR when I asked him too, he and the OW would have gotten the slap on the wrist and it would have been the end. Not only that, I would have felt like he was siding with me and that would have helped me recover some of my dignity. ( my H and is OW spent a lot of time bashing me in their correspondence with one another and that has added insult to an already injurious A. Not to mention I am carrying this evil man's freaking BABY!!! sorry I am getting angry again)
Every other day I have to talk myself down from the ledge of revenge. I am mad that I have to protect me H's job, mainly because of our kids, who would suffer the most if we were suddenly destitute. Who was protecting me? Who was looking after my well being? I am mad that I have to push away this need to feel like I am someone after he took it all away from him with his callous behavior.
I thought seriously of sending the OW and her H a Christmas card that contained all the emails and her scantily clad photos she sent my H. I even questioned a lawyer friend of mine to find out what the real legal ramifications would be of making said emails and photos public.
I am just so angry about it. I know this is "normal" but it almost becomes uncontrollable at times.
How can I recover my dignity?
Thoughts of revenge are definately normal! I am the queen of revenge fantasies. I have thought up some revenge fantasies that would make you gasp. I would never act on the over the top ones. But I have made my share of phone calls and told the OWs H.
The truth is that revenge sucks you down. When I caught H in a contiued/2nd affair with the same OW, I started calling her constantly leaving her extremely nasty voice mails. It felt good to let off steam, but then I would feel crappy that I let her see how upset I was and it probably gave her satisfation. She had the police in her town (she now lives across the country from us) call me and tell me if I continues to harass her she would press charges against me. I then received a certified letter from her attorney stating I am not to have ANY type of contact with her. I was enraged. If she had been in front of me at that moment I probably would have physically attacked her. I was pissed. But I stopped calling her because I knew I was only going to cause myself and possibly my kids more pain. This was several months ago. I can now say receiving the phone call and the letter were probably good for me. Every time I called her I felt crappy about myself because I went off the deep end let her get the better of me.
You mentioned she is married, does her H know. You might want to contact him and let him know. If you do, do it with dignity. Don't send the Xmas card with her pictures in it. Call him and have a civilized discussion. You will feel so much better about yourself if you act with dignity and grace.
Revenge seems as if it will be sweet, but just make sure it doesn't cost you your own resepct. I wish it hadn't cost me some of mine.
Thank you for being so understanding. Usually when I tell people what I want to do they kinda make me feel like a fool. I even have one friend that will not talk to me about the A, because she is afraid that she will encourage me to do mean things. I understand her point, but it would be nice just to have someone listen. Still I appreciate her candor.
I have thought many many times of telling her H. Unfortunately, they have an unlisted number. I can probably pay to get a hold of it through a service, but I would rather not waste a dime on it. I did manage to find his Myspace page, but from the looks of it I am under the impression that they may in fact have some kind of open relationship. I remember my H even telling me once that the OW and her H have an understanding about their friendships with people of the opposite sex and that it is OK to spend time with them and talk with them anyway you please, just as long as it is not physical.
My fear is that he will not care, one way or another, what his wife has been up to and while that is none of my business, it upsets me that their choice of lifestyle or marriage should have such an impact on mine. No thanks to the OW or my very own H. I think their relationship is broken and dysfunctional enough and me telling him will have little or no impact. I do wish I could tell him though because I think it would help.
Still I am petrified of getting my H fired. Not for him but for our family and that is when I get really angry. That I have to once again be made a fool of for the sake of him.
As another BS, I can totally validate your desire for revenge. No, it won't get either of us anything other than an (IMHO) an immense
sense of satisfaction, but that is probably just my anger and hurt talking too.
I've avoided posting lately because the effects of the WS A have brought me to the very edge. I don't like myself anymore,
I'm withdrawn, angry, and seriously depressed. Frankly, I don't see the any sense in continuing my existence, but I'm not about to
let those rat b@st@rds win because I ejected.
Nothing would make me happier than to learn the OM has stage 4 cancer - or better yet, something I could help with, just so I could
tell him to rot in hell. And I've put my life on the line more times than I can count for total strangers... pulled people out of burning
cars, [literally] held them together until EMS arrived, been the stork, pulled teens out from the path of a train - you get the point.
My life sure feels like it has turned out to be a cruel joke at my expense. What gives anyone the chutzpah to believe they can just lie
and use the one person that has put it all on the line for them, hell in my case - even saved their life?
The holidays make all this worse. Spring can't come soon enough. If I'm lucky, I'll catch an assignment to afghanistan :-P
My view on revenge is this: Revenge feelings are normal, but taking action on the feelings is not. When it occurs, it is usually followed by negative consequences for the revenge taker, which adds insult to injury.
I also found that my anger, which was initially focused on the OM, eventually moved to my wife. Today I still feel some anger toward the OM (although much less). I'd was not at all disappointed to learn about his various life difficulties that occured in the time after the affair, from loosing his job, to bankruptcy and forclosure. However, I also found that the satisfaction is fleeting. It's probably better to find some kind of forgiveness for the OM even if it's minimal, just to let go of these desires.
I'm sure that any desires for revenge are prolonged by my continued contact with the OM, which is only indirect. I don't speak to him, but I see him often enough that its harder to put him in the past. I think anything that can be done to break any contact would help.
Don't give in to the temptation to gain revenge. It almost never works (as you've seen with the email break-in). Take the high road and know that no matter what it might seem like, you prove your class and character when you resist those temptations.
You are smack dab in the RAGE phase. I spent a good 6 months straight varying between smoldering and an all out blaze. My rage was mostly aimed at H and OW, but I had plenty to dole out to others who knew of the A and thought it was none of their business.
I convinced myself that no court in the world would convict me if I attacked the OW, I had no record, not even a ticket for at least 10 years, and it would have been a crime of passion. Totally understandable in my warped, betrayed brain. The only reason I did not do anything to her was that my mother and my best friend made me promise not to. How could I break a promise, that would make me like my H. Still I can not tell you how many times I flew out of the house like a whirl wind barely stopping to grab my keys after a bad question and answer session with H or from being bombarded with triggers. Always I found myself parked outside OWs apartment. One day months into it, I realized I was a stalker and slowly fought back the need to go there. It was years before I could pass the exit off the Highway that lead to her house with out triggering.
The best advise I can give you is to not be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are normal, but dont act on them. I often allowed my OW confrontation fantasies to play themselves out continuously until I got tired of thinking about it. Eventually, I know longer needed them. They had played their part in helping me to let go.
Time dear, and little tiny baby steps. You will get there.
I too believe the feeling of revenge is normal. How can you not want revenge when you have been so violated? It is our sense of justice. An eye for an eye. Unfortunately you will only feel better only briefly then guilt will set in and cause only more pain. The best revenge is living well and getting on with your life. I know that is a heck of a lot easier said than done. But do not beat yourself up for having these feelings and thoughts. They will pass eventually or at least not be so much in your forethoughts. The trick is to concentrate on YOU and put yourself first. The OW/OM is nothing...a nobody...they are not even human to me, and Im sure the OW saw me the same way. Had she not how could she have done what she did?
Right now I am going through a new anger phase myself but right now I am angry at WH for his lack of parenting and communication skills. I see how much his behavior is hurting the children and feel helpless to stop it, and I am helpless to stop it. I am angry too at the OW but not in the same way or with the same intensity. That's because I do know that if it wasn't her, it would have just been quite literally the next woman who walked in the door that was willing. I am angry that the women who become OW's, especially the ones who are mothers themselves dont give a crap that they are helping to hurt children by being with these men (nor do the men think tehy are hurting anyone). So I am more angry at OW's in general and the whole idea of what type of person allows themsleves to be the OW. And Im talking about OW's who are not in the dark...who know the man is still married and there are children involved and they dont care and they dont back off.
My WH, well, he is a lost cause. He never got any of this and never will. I mean, maybe one day, but it is too late for the marriage. I hope he does wake up for the chidlren's sake and becomes a better parent to them. Wishful thinking I suppose but what I have come to learn is never say never...people change when they hit bottom and the need arises and when they find the courage to do so! Maybe one day he wil find the courage..in the meantime I have to take care of myself and move on with my life and help my children through this.
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Dec 11, 2008 12:08 PM
Hey, thoughts of revenge are perfectly normal and expected. Boy do I have major revenge fantasies. I carry OW's home and work phone numbers in my diary. I thought of sabotaging OW's job, her marriage (as if she hadn't shot it in the foot already), her professional status. If there was a chance to do it without exposing H and me, I would. I rehearse the phrases I would use to damn her in colleagues eyes, that would give the message without implicating us ("I hear she had an affair with a married man; almost wrecked his marriage, but his wife took him back; I gather he was just using OW..."). I write letters to her in my head and on paper, explaining what a fool she was and the contempt I feel for her. I even created an e-mail account with a name that was based on one of their pet names for each other so I could send messages that might look like junk mail but would be meaningful to her. Never send anything but it helps me to know I could.
I think that is the key to revenge - fantasize about it, write, plan, think but don't do anything. Keep it in your head and on paper which can be destroyed. In the end I decided that anything I did which involved her, any contact I had, even if it was with her husband, any messages, phone calls, heavy breathing, whatever, were just giving in to her. Revenge wouldn't really satisfy me, but it would give her power over me. The best revenge is to shut her out of our lives altogether. Doesn't matter whether we stay or split up; I don't want her to know anything about us. She has too much brainspace in my head as it is; I don't want to risk increasing that by contacting her in some way for revenge.
Maintain your grace and dignity. You didn't do anything wrong and OW is actually way below you grovelling in the mud. Don't join her down there.
The night I found my wifes IM's I printed several copies to send to all her siblings. The sound of the printer woke my wife at three in the morning (I was supposed to go to work at 7:30 but had to call in sick because I was no no shape to do safety related job). She talked my down from anger quietly because our four kids were asleep.
I couldn't yell at the time and hat would have led to me storming out. Now 7 weeks later I wish I had sent her chats to her siblings. She won't confront what she's done. I am depressed and spend hours looking for help on the computer and we go to MC every other week. But she will not talk to me about it. She seems all happy around others because no one else knows and he is three states away and can't tell. But as soon as I walk in she puts up her walls because there is a problem and she doesn't deal with problems. I may have t tell the world to get the problem addressed but I know that would lead to divorce and I am not ready for that yet (but getting closer every day). I know I should not send the IM's to her family but it is still awfully tempting don't you think. She has always been Miss Goody Two Shoes. Wouldn't that be a shocker.