this is the 1st time for me posting anything about this topic. my wife disclosed to me that she had an affair with a man severeal years ago and rekindled it 4-5 years ago and ended it about 2 years ago. it has been several months since d-day but less than a year and i am still stunned at times. we have three small children and are reconciling. to be honest with you i don't think i would even be trying to reconcile if it wasn't for our children. we have experienced a lot of intimacy the past few months, much more that in our previous years before disclosure. i often wonder if i have the strength for this. we had a lot of problems in our marriage and i caused many of them. i was emotionally unavailable most of the time, and i had an opportunity to have an affair with a woman i was greatly attracted to and she to me. In fact she was pursueing me and i wanted to go there but i never did because i was worried about what it would do to her children, marriage as well as my children and marriage. so i just didn't go there but unbenounced to me, my wife was going there during this time and i had no idea. there is a side of me that wishes i would have gone there and then we would be even. but something tells me that that is probably not the way it would work out. this is really devastating, but it is my hope that god will heal my wounds. they seem really deep and almost always hurt. i wish this never would have happened,but there is no way to erase this one. i feel like i am stained for life.

EOS,

I know it hurts really bad right now, but it is possible to heal. I was once exactly where you are. 7 years ago I learned about my husbands 9 month affair with a much younger co-worker. My whole world fell apart. I contemplated suicide, and even convinced myself to do it, but talked myself out of it in a very long and painful suicide note. My husband's betrayal is the worst trauma in my life todate. Even with as bad as the pain is, there is hope and you most hold onto it. If your W is truly remorseful and willing to do the hardwork necessary, you can make it. I and my husband successfully reconciled. The affair, with it's x-rated video clips that played in my head for so long, all the triggers, and the obsessing constantly about it all are a thing of the past. I have reclaimed myself and I have found peace with what he did.

Do not blame yourself for her affair, no matter what issues and problems you brought to the marriage, nothing justifies infidelity, nothing.

Take it slow, be kind to yourself. Read all you can about affairs and search for a good marriage counselor.

Welcome, you have found a place where everyone knows exactly what you are talking about and feeling.

Ami

AMI,

Thank you for your kindness and words of encouragement. I am so full of fear and sadness right now that it is hard to see a way out. I do believe it will get better - it already has gotten a little better at times and then I seem to be right back were i started. i feel so vulnerable and sensitive. fear has been a constant companion of mine in life.

thank you ami,

eos

Hello EOS,



I just wanted to say welcome and that I am sorry for what you are going through. Your feelings are normal. But as Ami has said...nothing you did or did not do in the marriage is reason to have an affair.



((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

~ CAL

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! It brings sadness to us when someone new joins our group because that means an affair has happened. On a good note, I'm glad that you found us. This is a great place to land to feel safe and have some great ears to listen to you.

I know the difficulties in figuring out what to do. Take your time and read some books. The Helpful Links on the left has some great books listed there that I read. The one I read first and appreciated was After the Affair.

Take care and post!

Denise

Thank you AMI, Socalgal, and Denise for your responses to my post. This is the first time i have ever participated in something like this in cyberspace. For some reason I feel safe here writing about my feelings. This is such a long road to travel, isn't it. I am feeling things I have never felt in my life. I feel so vulnerable and sad about this betrayal. I just finished reading "not just friends" that is a good book. How do i get past these visual thoughts and images i have of them together. It is torture and saps all the life and joy out of me. I feel so broken. I know my wife is broken too. I am actually several months into R and my feelings seem to be getting more intense and my heart just feels like its going jump out of my chest.

It is encouraging AMI when you mentioned that you have completed forgiven your husband and that 7 years ago you were where I am now. I wish I was where you are now. I don't know how I am ever going to get to that place. I know I want to get there now. But i feel so far away and i am almost always hurting. I am so different now. Its like I have eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and now I am aware of what has happened. Do the videos ever stop playing?

This is really a long drawn out process isn't it. My wife and I had an argument last night and I called her some nasty names and the whole bit about "and they lived happily ever after" is really escaping me now. The fairy tale really is just that isn't it. Look at all the movies and books that carry that story line. We all thought we were getting that on our wedding day, but now I feel so pathetic and taken it. It's not like I was a grand prize either. God knows I have been hard to live with, but maybe tomorrow the sun will shine.

EOS

EOS,

Yes it is a long drawn out process. The average healing time is said to be about 2.5 years. Took me 3 until I felt like myself again. We call it the roller coaster from He11 because your emotions dip and rise violently with out warning, and your stomach is always tied in knots. I wouldn't dream of every saying the things I said to my H when I was on a rant and hurting to my very soul. I would try to hurt him with my words in the hopes that it would stop the hurting in me just a little, but it never worked.

Yes, the happily ever after is just a myth. Infidelity whips those rose colored glasses fright off a BS's face. In the beginning it is really hard to see the good that was in the marriage, but it is there, so is the love. Hold on to the love for dear life. It is what got me through to the otherside. That and the belief that it was possible.

Ami

AMI,

Do you feel safe in your marriage now? Do you trust your spouse? Is it possible to trust them again? Do you ever feel at risk of this happening again? I just couldn't handle this happening again. I could never go through this again. My wife has assured me she will never do it again, but how do I really know that. How does that part of you ever really heal?

EOS

Hi EOS,

I am 6 yrs past D-day 2.. There are a few of us here who are working on our marriages.. there is no Yes or No answer for you.. lots of hard work and rebuilding the trust.. each person is responsible for their actions..my H's actions are telling me that he is working on our relationship and isn't cheating.. you watch your wife and do her actions match her words.. if they do then you begin to trust a bit..as you begin to trust the hurt fades a bit.. little by little..

I am so sorry that you are going thru this..

take care,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

EOS,

Do you feel safe in your marriage now? Do you trust your spouse?

Now these are questions I havent asked myself in a long time. If I am honest with myself, I have to say that I feel safer now then I did pre Affair. Before the affair my H exhibited many red flags which my rose colored glasses and my stead fast blind faith caused me to ignore, but a part of me couldnt which caused anxiety and guilt. This lead to issues of physical intimacy for me in the marriage, which lead to problems for my H and the marry go round that most couples find themselves stuck in. So with that old fairy tale gone Poof, the anxiety is gone as well as the guilt. I see things for what they are. I trust because the man work his a$$ off to earn trust instead of me just blindly giving it to him. When warning bells go off in my head about his behavior I do not faithfully ignore them and try to make myself feel safe in some other way, I confront the things that are causing me alarm. H knows I will no longer ignore things or try to reason them away. So now he has to think more about what he is doing. Again are behaviors are tied together in a circle, but this one is much more functional.

Also, for me there are no more 2^nd chances. That is it. I have been very blunt about this. In order to heal, I had to face the naked truth that my husband was capable of getting naked with some twit and doing the nasty with her without protection. This is my reality. I trust that he is working hard not to let that happen again, but I also no painfully well that there are no guarantees. I accept this. If I had left my husband and started a new relationship with someone else I feel the risk would be higher for infidelity, because this new man would not know the consequences of infidelity as intimately as my husband does now. So I actually think that he is the safer choice because he does accept the consequences and he took all the crap that went with them.

Is it possible to trust them again? Trust comes really slowly for a BS. You will find yourself a place where you will just have to take a leap of faith. It is probably too soon right now. Anyway once you take that leap, you will immediately jump right back to the safety of not trusting. See trust is tied very closely to vulnerability, and being vulnerable to a person who could have an affair is not easy at all. So after that first jump you will find that you jump back and forth many times. But the jumps get easier and you stay on the trusting side longer each time.

Do you ever feel at risk of this happening again? As I said, there are no guarantees. It is too early for you to accept this, but one day you must. Long ago when I was a raw BS. I watched a Dr Phil show where he had on a couple that was trying to reconcile from the husbands affair. He told the BS that she shouldnt reconcile unless she was willing to face the pain of his betrayal again. That sounded insane to me, but after awhile it made sense. See you have to look to your own strength to over come. And if you cant face the pain, then you cant heal. I said to myself that I would be capable of recovering from the pain again, but it would be the end of my marriage. It was a promise I made to myself first and my H 2^nd.

I just couldn't handle this happening again. I could never go through this again. My wife has assured me she will never do it again, but how do I really know that. How does that part of you ever really heal? Again, you are very new to the pain, and it seems insurmountable right now, but as you process this you will realize that you have the power to overcome it. Healing is about personal growth and self awareness. A BS is for ever changed from their spouses infidelity, something is lost that can never be regained. But that doesnt me that happiness and peace is not possible. I look at it like the survivors of the holocaust to some degree. Now in respect of the horrors those valiant people endured I understand the suffering from a partners infidelity is much less, but the theory is the same. They had to face the reality of what had happened, with the knowledge that it can happen again, this is why they make it a point never to forget. It is the same for a BS. I do not forget, I never will. But I work hard to prevent myself from ignoring the warning signs in my relationship and do what I can from my end. This is enough for me.

When I was where you are I needed to believe in the possibility of that better than before marriage. There were those for me then, who were years down the healing road who provided it for me. Now I give back and provide it for those who are newly hurting and a bright future seems impossible. EOS all those things that seem impossible really arent but they are not easy either. Take baby steps.

Ami

AMI,

Thanks for your thoughtful answers. There are no easy roads are there. This is so hard to deal with. To walk away from this, along with my 3, 5, and 8 year old to start new with someone else seems so difficult too. I try to believe you people when you say it gets better. It is incredibly slow though, isn't it. Nothing is really as it seems is it. I know a woman who I have been sharing with because I feel like my wife can't enter into my pain with me. That feels like another betrayal all by itself. My counselor says she is just too immature to help me with my pain, but she is making good progress in she own struggle toward healing. Thanks for listening.

EOS

EOS,

No, there are no easy roads. And really when you think about the high level a trauma that this is, your realize that it shouldnt be easy.

You wrote:

I know a woman who I have been sharing with because I feel like my wife can't enter into my pain with me. That feels like another betrayal all by itself. My counselor says she is just too immature to help me with my pain, but she is making good progress in she own struggle toward healing. Thanks for listening.

I think it is very risky for you to be sharing with a woman. Pain is very intimate, and you are at an extremely vulnerable place. This is fertile ground for inappropriate feelings to develop. We are all human, and we do not necessarily have control over all our feelings. This is why people say affairs just happen. In reality they dont, people just put themselves in positions where it is possible. They dont have firm boundaries to protect themselves and their spouses from it happening. Unless this woman is a blood relative or your therapist, I think you would be better off not leaning on her. Your W is the one that needs to do this for you, this is what makes healing the relationship posible.

There is an Ebook you can download for a small fee. Go to www.aftertheaffair.net This book is for the W, it is not for you. Its purpose is to help the WS help the BS. This might break through to your W. It is a betrayal that your W is not there for you after she hurt you so deeply.

Emotional immaturity is definitely one of the reasons a WS wont face the pain they caused. But at the same time it is also selfishness. If they really see what they did, then they have to let go of the justifications they have for allowing themselves to have an affair in the first place. She needs to see your pain. I would work with your counselor to get you and her to this point. It seems to me that you are protecting her. Take it slow, but acknowledgement of the pain caused is something that reconciliation is difficult to attain without. Look into this program, www.retrouvaille.org this is program for troubled married couples to learn to share their pain and feelings in a constructive way.

Ami

EOS


Please keep us informed because I need to know what to expect. I know every case is different, but I seem to be right behind you. 7 weeks ago I found my wife was having an affair with with a 22 year old friend of our sons. I knew she was getting too close with him for years but I did not care about the emotional contact(if I knew then). After 22 years of marriage and 4 kids 22 20 15 11, one with special needs I wasn't looking for an affair. She actually shaved for HIM and tried not to explain it to me. Did she think I wouldn't notice. I found the IM chat where he told her to do so and a couple of other IM's. The stuff she said to him was unbelievable. I found out on a Tuesday and we met
with a MC Friday(my birthday some present). She is not one anyone would think would have an affair so I am trying to work to fix the Marriage. He is three states away and she doesn't go near the computer because she knows I can recall what she does. She tells me she feels trapped, And I tell her I don't care. It is the price for me staying but I feel she is staying together to keep the affair from becoming public and ruing her reputation as Miss Perfect. She will not discuss the affair or the relationship with me yet. I have ambushed her a couple of times to force discussion but she ends up in tears. It's worth it to me to get some discussion. It sounds like you cannot discuss it either if you have to find someone else to talk to. we see the MC 1 hour every other week. I agree with the other post about be very care full having an opposite sex confidante, it could blossom. As for your emotions mine are all over the road. It seems they are all there(anger frustration fear and yes even love) but which one is showing varies. They are all just under the surface of the one that is showing and with adjustment and time can we get the good ones to show more. I am terribly frustrated with the lack of progress because I spend hours on the computer looking for ways to fix this and she appears to be doing nothing. I am thinking of trying to force the issue by a trial separation after Christmas but if we separate everyone will will wonder WHY. Some will probably figure out why and her secret will be out. It would probably end the marriage but parts of me are ready for that. Another part of me wants to know what is the appropriate reprisal to what she has done. Parts of me feel she is expecting a punishment. She may need this to get closure but it is way to soon. She has not addressed the issue yet. Of course parts of me want to "get Even" and I know two wrongs don't make a right. I Have never considered what an appropriate punishment would be if she needs one, does anyone have ideas. I wish you well with your situation and hopefully both of our situations will work out for the best(whatever that may be).

"Emotional immaturity is definitely one of the reasons a WS wont face the pain they caused. But at the same time it is also selfishness. If they really see what they did, then they have to let go of the justifications they have for allowing themselves to have an affair in the first place. She needs to see your pain. I would work with your counselor to get you and her to this point. It seems to me that you are protecting her. Take it slow, but acknowledgement of the pain caused is something that reconciliation is difficult to attain without."

Ami is so right on this one. I protected my WS a lot! All it did was hurt me more and allow him not to have to face what he did. There are several reasons why a BS does this. You will have to discover why you do this, as we are all individuals. For me it meant I would have to face my WH's addictions headon and stop accepting the unacceptable. And I avoided this as much as I could...even though I did blame his addictions for most fo what happened, and not the man himself. And that was the problem. regardless of his childhood issues, his addcitions, or whatever other justification he used to do what he did, he knew right from wrong and chose to have the A. Nothing made him cheat...he allowed hismelf to do this....he made a choice. That was very difficult for me to accept. I also knew that my WH could not face his addictions and once I put my foot down and demanded he do so, cause there was no way to move forward unless he did, I knew he would be out the door, and he was. As soon as I gave him the choice (and meant it) the addictions or your family, he chose his addictions and walked out the door. But you have to understand that prior to giving him that choice he said he wanted the marriage and would do whatever it took...even went to IC, and swore to me he had stopped doing things behind my back. But his WORDS did not match his ACTIONS, as Pat said. I knew something wasn't right. I caught him several more times before I told him he had to make a real choice and that I wasnt going to put up with teh lies and going behind my back any longer. And I knew as long as he chose to self-medicate with his addictions he was never going to really see my pain because he was incapable. So words really do need to match their actions and tehy really do need to see your pain...these are vital part of reconciliation. But we as a BS have to do our part as well. We have to let them know how much they hurt us. W e have to stop worrying how the WS will react to our pain. Afterall, they caused this pain..had they not cheated we would not be experiencing this pain. So, what Im trying to say it is not your reposnibility to protect your WS from it...it is their responsibility to deal with teh pain they caused.

I wish you all of the best...

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you AMI, Bill, and Cal for your responses here. You said a mouthful. Bill: I think the big thing with you is that your wife needs to assure you that the affair is over before you can make a decision about anything. It still may be too early to make a decision. Your emotions are too raw and everything is such a blur and shocking. I read that book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I guess I take her stance, especially when there are children involved. Her stance is that trying to heal the marriage is the best 1st choice, then if it doesn't work out you can say you did your best to try to heal the marraige. However, every situation is different and some marriages shouldn't be saved. I guess that is the hard part, trying to figure out what to do.

My wife has assured me that the affair is over. She quit her job, hasn't seen him in a year, and actually told me about the affair without me having a clue about it. It was a long road of deception, but she said she wanted to come clean and really try to save and work on our marriage. My pastor told me shortly after I found out that there are no easy roads from here on out. No matter what you choose it will be difficult. My emotional and thought life has been so eratic. I have really been unstable. One minute I want to be close to my wife, the next I have anger toward her, and the next I feel sad and depressed.

I am thinking I just need to slow down and take baby steps like Cal said. It is so true. Thanks so much AMI and Cal for your insights. Bill - you need to hang on the best you can and just survive each day for awhile. The last two days I have had have been almost good.