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Can I trust her again? (kind of long)

December 30 2008 at 1:37 PM
  (Login bujwazay)

Hello all --

I am new to this site and arrived here through the "not just friends" book website. I am in a different situation than most on the site here as I am not married but dating. my GF and i have been dating for almost 5 years and living together for 4 of the five years. I knew getting into the relationship that she had cheated on every BF that she has ever had but i was convinced that i was going to treat her so well that she would never even think about it. I followed through with my promise and treated her like a queen for the time we were together often making personal sacrifices to make her happier or to make things easier for her. everyone we knew would always remark that she was so lucky yo have someone like me and that i truly was a one of a kind BF. all of her girl friends were so jealous of her that she had me because i did things that thier BF's would never do in a million years. her parents and family told me how they had never seen her so happy with someone and were constantly pushing for us to get engaged. I had decided that i wanted to get married and began the process of picking out the ring. i had a very special proposal plan set up that would have blown her mind. i told of her closest friends about it and she began to cry immediately saying that it was the most thoughtful proposal she had ever heard of. needless to say things have not turned out so well recently as i found out about her infidelities.
When we first started dating she worked in a marketing department for an accounting firm and went out to a wine tasting that was a networking event. a few days afterwords i found out that someone "tried to kiss" her in the parking lot as they were leaving. she said that she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid that i would get mad but she did because it was the right thing to do. she claims she did not accept the kiss and nothing happened.
About a year after that we were hanging out with another couple that we knew through her job at the accounting firm. we had gone out for a birthday party and were all pretty intoxicated. I found out in the morning that somehow she had ended up in their bed and the couple started getting frisky with her and there was some intimate touching that occured. she claims that she didn't do anything, got uncomfortable and left and slept on the couch beside the one i was sleeping on. i was obviously upset but let it go and we did not spend much time with that coulple afterwords.
This summer i find out that she had gotten drunk at a bar and kissed a coworker but claimed that she was really drunk and that it may not have even happened. she said that either way it was a bad decision and that she loves me and only wants to be with me. at this point i had asked her if there was anything else that i needed to know to which she swore that that nothing else had happened.
I now have found out through an "honest moment" confession that she had cheated on me last summer with someone that she worked with. she claims that after the company softball games they were at the bar and kissed on a few different occasions, and on one night she went back to his place and had sex. she said that she was so, so, so sorry and that she felt terrible and had to tell me since she thought that i might be proposing soon and she could not live with that guilt. in addition to all of this she kept the guy around and tried to force a friendship between me and this guy because i did not have a lot of guy friends and it would not have been fair to me to lose a "friend" over this. this appaled me to say the least. I forgave her because i still after all of this loved her and was willing to have us make changes to fix the problem. she has since changed jobs and enrolled in a master's program to make a career change.
this brings us to now. A couple of weeks ago she went to a party with her new coworkers and said that it was a reunion (they all worked at a summer camp) and that only camp people would be there. she told me she would be home late but i was surprised when she got home at 6:30am. the next morning i asked her what time she got home and she shakily replied, "I don't know...some time around 4:00am". this set me off and i began doing some investigative work and found some emails in which she was talking to one of her new coworkers in which she said that she can't stop thinking about sat.'s not fair that i feel this way about you....i don't think that i could ever see you be with someone else. I confronted her about all of this but she claims that he said that he had feelings for her and she knew that it would complicate their friendship and that she was only talking about thier friendship. she claims that nothing happened between them however i am not convinced that i know the whole story. I also found an email to another friend which said that the only reason why she told me about the sex with the coworker was because others found out and threatened to tell me and that was the only thing that would come out and none of the other "mistakes" that she had made would and that if she told me all of these things then our relationship would have no chance of working.
I don't know if i can trust her again and it is tearing me apart. she says that she is telling me everything but i just don't believe it and short of making her take a polygraph test i don't think that i will ever know. can she actually change or is this just hard-wired in to who she is as a person. I question her character so much and it hurts to see this ugly side of someone who you thought was so pure and would never hurt you. any suggestions?!

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(Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator

Re: Can I trust her again? (kind of long)

December 30 2008, 2:33 PM 


Welcome to the Healing Heart Community, where we all know the pain you feel. I am very sorry you are having to deal with the betrayal of the person you love.

Please understand that her inability to be faithful is about her and not you. No matter what you do, you cannot make her be faithful. People cheat because of a flaw inside them and not because of what happens around them or to them. You cannot make her faithful, you cannot make her unfaithful.

You ask if you can trust her. Go back and read what you wrote several times. If this were someone elses words, would you tell them they should trust their GF?

Can people change? Yes, they can, but they have to want to and recognize the problem is within themselves. Your GF always has some excuse why she engages in inappropriate behavior to down right infidelity, repeatedly. If drinking is her problem then she shouldnt drink. I know that my husband would purposefully get drunk before meeting with OW so that he could blame the liquor. Being drunk is not a reasonable or valid excuse, and should not be excepted as one.

When we love someone, we all make excuses for behavior we know we shouldnt. We want so much to believe that things are not as bad as they seem. We love/trust blindly, because we think this is one of the ways to be faithful to our partner. Loving/trusting blindly is a form of denial. After a loved one has been unfaithful we have to learn that we have to find a new way of loving and trusting, with out blinders on. You have to see your GF for who she is. It is not pleasant, I know I had to see my Husband for who he was. If your GF is sincerely remorseful she will be completely transparent, she will willingly go for a lie detector test if you ask, (I do know people who have done this), she will be accountable indefinitely, and not claim that she has a right to privacy. She will seek help through a therapist and learn why she has treated herself and you so badly. The list goes on. Then after a couple of years of constant changed behavior you will find you begin to trust again.

Now this is just my opinion but I think it would be a good idea to put off marriage plans for a couple of years until she has constantly proven her fidelity and gotten professional help. Things get more difficult after marriage and children.



(Login TomcatPZ)

Re: Can i trust her again?

January 1 2009, 8:45 PM 

Hi Tom,

First, let me say I'm sorry you're in this situation. As a BS I understand your pain and confusion.
Second, I am a BS, so some might say my opinion is negative, colored, skewed, - you get my drift.

The bottom line, IMHO, is what are you willing to live with? You have to do some very serious soul searching. Do NOT let anyone else
put their spin on what's right for you. I wish I had had someone with the experience I have now to sit and talk with me before I married the
first time. To hell with what others think - you are the one that has to live with your decision for the rest of your life.

Do you know the truth? Will you ever know the truth to your satisfaction / comfort level? These are hard questions - it's even harder to live with the side effects. Let me illustrate from my experience - and I'm only going to touch on the edges.

Look down the road with me - a marriage that seems fine to all from the outside, but on the inside, whenever they grow close,
the wife picks a fight - over anything - to keep him at bay - because the guilt she feels over what she's kept from him.
She's afraid if he get's too close he'll sense her secrets. Does he care about the past - not really - only that it's keeping them apart.
He pleads with her to just spit out whatever it is or get help. She denies and denies, buries it. The cycle repeats with spaces in between for years and years. They have built a home and are raising children, but the pressures of life take their toll. When he needs to count on her, she buckles, her self esteem eaten away from the inside. It finally ends in divorce, leaving him feeling used and her bitter, worst of all, there's
kids that lost a home. That's a very simplistic view of a tragedy - but it happened. If the two of you can't be truthful with each other now - the
future is shot to hell.

If I've thrown cold water at you I regret the shock - but I wish someone had been kind enough to do so for me.



(Login JerryBond)

Re: Can I trust her again? (kind of long)

January 4 2009, 7:08 PM 

Hello and welcome - My feeling is that you are telling us you want her and the idea of her but you are not seeing her as she is - What anyone wants in a relationship is to be seen and known - including the less attractive bits.  It sounds to me like you are just determined that you want this to be fine and this determination may even scare her.  Love and marriage is about feeling things and just wanting to be true to your lover - And love and sexual attraction are just not thinking things and in the head - There is some chemistry that happens.  If she wants you she will be true to you. 

I say all this and speak plainly and directly as I relate to your being a good boyfriend - I have been a very good husband, probably too good, when I should have been feeling passionate and knowing inside the whole of me what was good and what I wanted.  I am sat here wondering what you FEEL about all this.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

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