It has been a week and a day since my husband came to me to admit an ended affair. It had been over for at least 4 months. It was with a dear friend. Like a sister to me and an aunt to my two small boys. She longed for a fulfulling relationship and he acted selfishly (by his own admission). He is disgusted with himself and remorseful. He admits to using alcohol to enable that to happen. It was immediately agreed that he does not drink anymore. He wants to build our relationship and work toward life-changes that are all healthy. It all sounds great. At times it almost feels like something in the past, but then I realize how fresh it is.
I'm really struggling with the loss of my friend. I know it's not really possible, but I wish that I could heal that relationship. But I'm pretty sure that's just me not facing facts- that I'm wanting things to be like they were before.
And I don't know what to do as far as my relationship with my husband. It's like everything all got apologized for, explained and a new plan put in place before I ever got to understand it all. I wouldn't ultimately want to do anything differently I guess, but is it wrong that I feel like I never got to go through all the turmoil? I don't want to leave. I wouldn't want to let him leave even if he wanted to. What's my problem here?
Are there some basic stages that you go through here? Like the 6 stages of grief or something? Can we make it through without going to a counselor? How do I find comfort when I've lost the only friend I ever tended to go to with deep stuff? Those were the two people who I would always go to and now it's just screwed up.
Also, I forgot to mention in the post above... I figured that once you found out that your spouse was unfaithful that it would take a long time before you would want to be intimate with them again. The first night after learning I was upset and couldn't sleep and didn't want to talk. But since then, I have initiated or we have mutually initiated sex way more frequently than before. Is this strange or normal?
I am sorry that you have to be here and for the confusion you are feeling. My H had an affair with a co-worker and while it has been over for 6 months, I am still just as confused as you are. He too was my best friend and we have just moved to a state where I am miles and miles from family or close old friends. He is all I have and he has betrayed me, so when desperately need someone to talk too and talking to him only breaks my heart further, I turn here. I hope that posting here will help you and your H recover.
I am not that great at giving advice in this area, but there are others who are. It is all still too fresh for me to have any real perspective. I will say that the intimacy you and your husband are sharing is totally normal, at least it was for me and my H. After d-day I just wanted to be close to him. I would initiate sex and so would he. It was not until months later that things started to sink in that all of that quickly went downhill. I think at first we BS are in shock. We just want to feel loved and close despite our sadness and we flip between the too. At some point the shock will wear off and you will find it hard to let your H touch you or you will not find the same comfort in it.
If your H is committed to recovery and shares with you the details and helps you in all the ways he can and should to understand the A, then I am sure you will be OK. It sounds like from your post that he is truly sorry and remorseful. I wish the two of you the best.
I think a lot of people go through the strong or even extreem need for physical contact. I think it stems from the insecurity both spouses feel after the affair is revealed. There is comfort and reassurance in the sexual contact.
I think my experience was very much like yours, not wanting intimacy at first (I felt sick when we tried), then later wanting it all the time, to an unusual degree. However, despite those feelings, I still often felt an emptiness after intimacy. Instead of feeling closer, I often felt more aware of the emotional disconnection between us as a result of the affair.
I agree that you probably want things to go back to how they were before the affair. You've lost a lot due to your move away from familiar surrounds, the connections to family, and the loss of the ideals of what kind of marriage you thought you had. Add to that the loss of your close friend and you start trying to hold on to something, just for some stability in your life.
We also moved around the time of D-day, which was one of the enabling AND motivating factors in my wife's affair. It was with someone we both knew, although not a close friend, but someone who lived close by in our neighborhood.
We were already going through the stress of moving to a new place, far from our "home", far from family. I was also going through the stress of starting a new job, and working in a new city. Due to factors beyond our control, my wife also lost the support of my family during this transition time. After the affair was discovered, there was a lot of hardship due to the compounding of all these situations, and I also found that I wanted to hold on to something familiar.
Finally, the feelings that you mentioned that it seems almost surreal, is something I remember too. I would go from times of almost not believing that it happened (as if it was a dream), to periods of panic as I realized that it was all to real, that it really happened. I had to learn to calm myself down in those moments of panic and yet to not fall into a fantasy where the affair wasn't real. There were long periods of 'numbness' where I was going through life in a near catatonic state, not really aware of much around be but the essentials.
I think it's very common for people involved in affairs (both BS and WS) to find themselves in a state of emotional depression, unable to fully function as they once did. Eventually this passes, but it can last a significant period of time. Some seek out counselors and doctors for help through this period.
I also believe that most wayward spouses engage in affairs because (among other things) they fail to access the severe cost of the affair while they still are in a position to easiliy control the path they are on. In addition, once the costs start to become apparent they are unable to muster the courage (or conviction) to reject their affair partner in order to minimize the damage. At least this is what I've observed from learning about my wife's affair. Affairs involve betrayal on many levels: Adultery (of course), deception (lying to their spouse), theft (misuse of marital assets), taking another person's spouse (often), using people for selfish gratification, threating to breakup families (thereby harming children)... When you stop to think of the consequences of an affair, both real and potential, you quickly realize that the attitude of a person involved in one must be to throw caution to the wind. As a result, I think it's very important for a wayward spouse to spend significant time in counseling (with the right couselor who will confront them with the truth) to work through all this.
In addition, there is very normal tendancy of many waywards (including my wife) to avoid revealing the information that the betrayed spouse wants, which I believe increases the risk of divorce. However, many, many waywards will work very hard and push their marriages to the brink before giving up on their stonewalling, and even some accepting the divorce rather than yeild.
While I think a person could come to understand the need for total and complete honesty, for answering all questions the betrayed asks without resistance, for demonstrating without question their loyalty to the marriage, my wife needed the help of a counselor to work through that. However, it wasn't her first or second, or even her third counselor who lead her in that direction. Only after our situation reached a breaking point and she sought a counselor who would help her with being honest to me did she finally make progress in reconciling our relationship. I don't know if you're getting stonewalled... it sounds as if you might feel that you are from your post.
I would add that this is your decision to make, how much information you want and need for reconcilation. Some what everything, down to the graphic details. Others just want an overview. However, the point is that whatever YOU want, your husband should be willing to provide it without resistance.
Finally, always, always remember that the affair is not your fault. You did not cause it in anyway. Your husband always had the choice, if it was in his character, to avoid the affair. You in no way deserved this to happen to you, even if you had been having your own affair. Affairs are never justified for any reason, even though probably all wayward spouses have justified their affair.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm a year away from Dday. I live on the other side of the world and was separated from my friends and family. I couldn't bring myself to call any of them and make them worry about me. My husband was my best friend. I think I felt really close to how you feel right now. This board was my lifeline because I could come here anytime and put down in words just how I felt. I never had to worry that someone was going to treat me like I was just pathetic or crazy. I didn't agree with what everyone here told me, but they always gave me a lot of things to think about and it helped me find a way to work through it all.
What you are feeling is normal. How you react to everything might be different from how another person reacts, but you have to handle this all in the way that is right for you and it will probably take you a while to figure out what is right for you. Right now you are shell-shocked and confused by it all and that is 100% normal. You might agree with the plan for recovery that your husband and ex-friend worked out without you, but it's ok for you to change the plan as it goes along to suit YOUR needs. What you find acceptable right now, you might not agree with a month from now.
My husband and I never went to a counselor, but that is not something I necessarily recommend. The main reason we didn't go is because we do live in a country overseas where we weren't confident in the health care system and my husband didn't want to turn our lives over to someone who might not be qualified to counsel us. I also didn't want to give any control to anyone else over my life because, at first, that was one of the things that upset me most about the affair - my husband and the OW had been making decisions and controlling my life without my knowledge for months. If nothing else, I wanted to be in full control of my life again.
If you do choose not to go to a counselor then I urge you to follow the links section here and read everything you can find on infidelity. You will find stuff that you think is not useful for your situation and approaches that you don't agree with, but keep reading because there is a lot of useful information out there that can help you make a plan for recovery that feels right to you.
On the sexual intimacy issue, my husband and I had passionate sex the first night after he told me and have pretty much clung to each other ever since. Even though I sometimes thought of them having sex while we were making love (and that was very painful), I never got turned off by my husband's touch. At first I was probably just trying to restake my claim on my territory, but I did realize that I had taken sexual intimacy with my husband for granted and I never want to do that again.
My biggest advice to you is to make sure in the next few months that you take care of yourself. Most of us walked around like zombies in the first months and neglected our basic health. Get a bottle of multi-vitamins. Force yourself to eat something and drink plenty of water. I lost 20 lbs the first month, my nails started peeling and my hair turned dull and started falling out in clumps. Not good. Don't let that happen to you.
((((Hugs)))))
I echo the previous posts.... good advice here..Find a way to talk to your H, to work thru your feelings, and not to sweep them under the rug or let them get glossed over....even if on the surface you guys seem to be doing all of the right things, those feelings will come up...I am 2 years and a couple of months down the road from D-day..My H some times explains, and sometimes he clams up.but he always justifies what he did....H has never given me what I felt like I needed, an apology from the heart, for the damage he has caused. leaving me little hope for R...I would say definitely find a way to take care of yourself..friends that can support you.. and find a way to release pent up anger.....getting rid of anger, and not lashing out or getting depressed, has been my biggest problem...A good IC may help you with the deep stuff until you get a good support system in place...For me finding the friends for support system is taking a lot of time( months-years), but that is what I need, to feel strong enough to move on..
Let me give you another unfortunate welcome to the club. It has only been 3 months since d-day for me about my wifes affair. You talk about wanting more intimacy after finding out and I wanted that too. I'm not qualified to give advice but in my opinion I may be showing a willingness to fight for my marriage. If you give up and leave there may be no marriage to fight for. I have read in several sites not to compete sexually with the affair because it is a different set of circumstances without the problems of real life, but if you are going to fight for your marriage the bedroom is one of the battlefields. I do feel my wifes affair was an escape from reality. Even tough am starting to understand it I am no where near being able to accept it. If it were decision time to stay or go today I would have to leave. I hope through counseling we can get over this and rebuild our marriage. It cannot return to normal though because that was not working and we both know it. It's confusing not knowing when decision time about the marriage will be. It is worth waiting to me see if the marriage can be saved but that is everyone's personal decision.
My wife is also sorry and remorse full but will not talk about it. It sounds like your husband will talk but you may still need a counselor with some experience at this. Hopefully even though we are all here we shouldn't have a lot of experience at repairing our marriages after affairs.
As far as having a plan set in front of you it will have to be your option as to do you want it. This plan is to help you and even if they made it with you in mind I suspect it also makes things easier for them. You need to look out for yourself and protect yourself. If this plan needs to be modified or completely thrown out you need to speak up. This is not a time to let you husband manage your life. That he presented a plan leads me to believes this is his role in the relationship. If you want or need something else he gets no say after what has happened.
Good luck and expect a long road. Everything I read tells me at least a year maybe two to recover if it works. At your stage my emotions changes so many times a day I had no idea what to expect next. I will say as much as showed so many emotions over the day now that I look back all of the emotions were present all of the time (even LOVE). Even at anger my emotions could be pushed in another direction with some help from my wife. If she had only known that. Try to do something to change your anger or hurt. After a few months it's easier than it was. At your stage it's hard (probably impossible) to not dwell on the affair. It does not help the relationship if all you do is fight . Make some good times too. You need them maybe even more than he does. You will also have your individual times to be happy. I can warn you it hurts to see the WS happy at times when you are so sad. You will not always have your happy times together. Make some of your own happy times without him to compensate. It is not worth getting more upset over even if it is hard.
It wasn't a friend in my case. But, I can just say that its taken all of my energy to deal with my relationship with my husband and my relationship with myself. I'm not sure I could handle a third party. I continue to let my H know when I'm in turmoil, even after almost two years I have days, moments, that I just fall apart and I make sure to let him know. I don't banter him with the daily conversations that still roll through my head. But, I do let him know when I'm falling apart, that I need more comforting and reassurance. I give him a role to play and a way to help me through it. I let him know that its the extra hours at work, the dog dying and making more sensitive, or whatever that is bringing it all up again. Give him a frame of reference for why its coming up. He responds well to that and it does help me get through the muck. Friends get tired of hearing the venting, seeing your pain, and wondering why the heck he's so worth it. So, a few months of going through all this and I made it his problem to fix and spared my friends and mom the agony of the mess he made.
We went to a counselor once, I think she made it worse. He went to a counselor who said he was doing all the right things. That didn't help either. Well, not me anyway. I wanted him to have some homework, but no one would give it to him. So, we basically did it without a counselor. I got one for myself. I realized that my H wanted so badly to fix things on his own and figure it out without help. It somehow would have been less meaningful of a recovery for him if someone else fixed it. And, he was no stellar superstar through this but now that I look back on it, I can appreciate the efforts he made.
You don't need other people to go to for the deep stuff. Look into your own heart, write journals, puzzle things out for yourself and you'll come up with much better answers that way. Believe in yourself, trust your gut.
