I know in some cases the affair is with a sister or relative. In my case it was probably the closest female friend I had. She was like a sister to me. If it were a sister, wouldn't there be a need to reconcile that relationship in some fashion? What about in my case? Since it was a friend, does that mean that you just lose them? Do you try to do anything? As I re-read this question, I'm aware that I'm leaving out all the part of "how could she". I feel all that. But I just wonder what to think about.
She happens to be moving far away. Even if she stayed in the area, nothing could be the same. Obviously she'll never stay at the house again... no late night camp-fire hang-outs with the family. But do I keep in touch? Is it ridiculous that I'm wondering about this?
You are probably in a bit of shock right now. I know you are concerned what to do about this friend, but I think at this point you might just want to pick one thing and focus on that, like healing your marriage.
I know you are wondering "how could she" about your friend, but I wonder if you have ever thought about how long you have been friends or if that friendship intensified while your husband and she were involved. Just like you will do to your marriage you will start to analyze the truth in your relationship with your friend.
If she is moving away I suggest you focus on your marriage. Just like you would do if the OW was a stranger. There will be time after you are in a more emotionally stable place to work on this relationship with your friend, if you choose to keep it.
I would say, that much like any other type of OW or OM complete and total ending of contact is a must.
Your ex-friend coveted your relationship and your life with your husband and she tried to take it away from you. She knew you and she knew your precious children. She used and manipulated your husband. She used, manipulated and betrayed you AND your children. She can't use the excuse that most OW's use that she didn't know anything about you and your husband's relationship to you and his children. She KNEW the people that were going to be devastated by her selfish actions and she cared more about herself than she did about you, your children and your husband.
I know you want to go back and find that place where you felt so secure and happy. If you were in high school and your best friend stole your boyfriend you could take the gamble of recovering your relationship with her because if she tried to take what was yours again, then only you would be the one to be hurt and devasted by her actions. BUT, you aren't just protecting yourself from this ex-friend, you are protecting the people you hold dearest, the people who matter most in your life - your husband and your chidren.
I don't want to demonize your friend, but she has a lot of BIG issues. A hug, a kiss and a I'm sorry from her and a I forgive you from you is not going to solve those issues. Your family has too much to deal with right now to take care of her and too much to lose to trust her again.
This message has been edited by Tamatha on Jan 23, 2009 8:01 PM
The "friend" broke your trust as did your H.. she doesn't deserve a place in your life..she is not your friend or a friend of your marriage.. let her go .. she doesn't deserve to be thought of as a friend.
Others who have deal with the" Best Friend" let the friend go.. there is no contact at all.. best for all.
You will find your way thru this...
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and ENDURE THE BETRAYAL OF FALSE FRIENDS;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
Obviously this is something that you will need to decide for yourself, even with the advice offered.
I can understand your desire to keep the relationship with your friend. Relationships that seem that close are not easy to develop and losing one is big emotional loss to you.
However, there are practical issues to consider. For example, do you believe that a resumption or continuation of the affair would be helped or hindered if the relationship continues? How does your husband respond to this question? Is his answer an honest answer?
Also, do you belive that you can confide in her like you once did knowing that she is capable of this betrayal?
Will choosing to end or continue the relationship enhance or hinder your reconcilation with your husband?
Many affair recovery forums recommend that a reconcilng couple follow the "No Contact Rule". This 'rule' calls for absolutely no contact between the wayward spouse and the OP. The reason behind it is that marriages where no contact rules are imposed seem more likely to recover and there is less anxiety for the betrayed spouse. However, sometimes this rule is interpreted to mean the that betrayed spouse may have contact with the OP so that betrayed spouses can get information about the affair that the wayward spouse is witholding.
However, another of school of thought is that any contact, even that by the betrayed spouse is damaging to the recovery process. The belief is that continued contact gives the OP emotional access to the marriage and often keeps them from letting go of the affair. It serves to keep the wayward spouse and other person from breaking their emotional ties.
In cases of an affair involving the betrayed spouse's brother or sister, the circuimstances of blood relatives "forces" some continuation of that relationship. The old saying, "you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your relatives" applies here.
Another situation where contact if forced to continue, at least for a temporary time after D-day, is where there is a work or other professional relationship. Usually the work relationship is only between the wayward spouse and the other person, but there are some cases where the betrayed spouse is involved.
The point is that sometimes circuimstances can prevent an absolute breakoff of any contact, but most recovering couples find it valuable to take steps to minimize or eliminate the contact, and many times it is discovered that continued contact is behind a failed reconcilation.
You don't have a requirement for contact that these situations impose. You are more free to choose how to handle the future of your relationship with your friend. For me personally, I would have not have contact with the friend for a long time after D-day, possibly even perminantely. Given that, at a minimum I would make it clear to the the friend that your relationship with her will be broken for the time being, and any future resumption of it is something that you can only decide at some point in the distant future.
I was also prompted by what Pat said about both WS and best friend OP betraying trust. I have struggled and struggled to reconcile myself with my WS wife - Sometimes it just seems easier to let go as I might best friend who has betrayed me with my spouse - But, what is the difference other than a decision to make the marriage work - Is that all this is about? After all, my WS wife has betrayed more than a good friend may have if he had been the OP - She betrayed my love, our children and so on. There is so much more, it feels like, to forgive in WS than OP.
It seems to me that this question clarifies to me that in taking a WS back we are trying to overcome so very much - And it makes me wonder why I have given so much to this over recent years. Is it just that I am clinging on to what I wanted in the first place ie the idea of the marriage and the love, all of which were my ideas of what was there when it clearly wasn't when set against the hateful actions of my wife, actions that were worse than any good friend. Are we really just fighting for our idealised fantasies of how we want things to be I wonder.
may you be safe and well, contented and happy
edited for typos and also asking any readers who are WS to respond in OPEN
This message has been edited by JerryBond on Jan 25, 2009 11:20 AM
The broken trust by both the WS and friend.. you can also say who do you chose S or BF.. or dump both..
Jerry In your situation I think that I would be exactly where you are.. 18 years with the same OM would devistate me..even more than what my H did.. lots of OW and a yr long A.. 33yrs of cheating..
I chose to stay with my H because he made the commitment to change.. yesterday I thought to my self eight yrs ago H wouldn't have said what he is saying to me or help me choose a dress .. it was nothing significant but just something that showed that he cared..change in attitude. My years with H have produced children, grandchildren.. besides A's he is a good person..he is nice, kind to animals.. my H wasn't emotionally invested in me.. he was invested in the family.. I had to weigh and see what he was doing.. watch his actions..there was the marriage to consider..how it affected everyone..what was best for ME..the working with a great IC.. MC for both of us.. the MC said to me .. if I felt that your H wasn't changing I would say to you leave.. but he saw the changes too, and worked with both of us.. still working with us.
I wouldn't choose a best friend because.. she broke trust.. she wasn't my friend.. she wasn't my marriages friend.. she hurt me there would be no reason to choose her to stay in my life ..if 50 yrs down the line if I saw her again.. I would morn the loss of friendship for a brief minute.. but recall she wasn't true to me..
I need fun, happy people around me.. people who boost me up thru tough times .. are true to me, support me and tell me when I am wrong....
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Lily,
I havent posted here in awhile; but I feel compelled to add what I know about an A with a close friend. My H also had an A with a close friend of ours. OW and her H were like family. We spent holidays together; our grown sons are best friends. The A was over by the time I discovered it 2 years ago; however it lasted for nearly 15 years. We had been friends for 20 years....or so I thought.
So...what about the best friend? Have you confronted her? Has she acknowledged her part in the affair? Is she remorseful? Has she apologized? Not that it matters in deciding what happens to your relationship with her in the future...the answer still is YES, YOU LOSE HER AS A FRIEND. She has shown her true colors. For me, the fact that OW was not remorseful and to this day has never said she was sorry, made it easier for me to see how much she disrespected me. In realty, you lost her as a friend when the A began. Is it ridiculous that you wonder about your future relationship with her? Absolutely not! I totally understand your feelings. I can tell by your question how much you value friendship. It is hard to feel that you are just throwing away a friend. But you are not abandoning her...SHE is the one who abandoned you and your friendship. When I first discovered the A, I just wanted my life back...back to normal. You may mourn the loss of your friendship, as I did. I realize now what a false friendship it was totally one sided. She was never the friend I thought she was.
For me, being betrayed by the OW was almost as painful as being betrayed by H. After 2 years, I still have not forgiven either one of them. Even though my relationship with H is good, I have only accepted what he has done. I may, in time, forgive him; but I don't think I will ever forgive her. I just don't have the desire to even think about that. I actually expressed more anger at OW than I did with H and I have no explanation why that is. I cant imagine letting her back into my life...ever. I dont want her to know anything about what is going on in my life; and I dont care what happens in hers. She could drop dead today and I would not shed a tear. She is already dead to me. In reality, I no longer want my life as it was then. I cant say Im completely over it, but there is a new normal and my life is much better now that she is out of it.
My advice to you would be to grieve your loss of friendship and focus on rebuilding your relationship with your H. You are so fortunate that she is moving away.
In some way I feel I have to learn to understand the OM - If I have to find my way back to my wife I have to see and understand her in some way - I have to do the same for him or I see that I am still in some kind of denial - I have to face it all or it will destroy what I may be able to build again with wife - I can't choose. I can know how strong I am though and I know I can only do so much at a time.
may you be safe and well, contented and happy - and I say the same for my wife and her OM too - I said this to myself this morning before I came here to read this posting - I say this every so often and over the time since d-day - It hurts and it is difficult at times - I feel somehow it is best to turn and face all the pain and not hide
Thanks to you all for your words. Some have provided comfort. Some scare me. I'm trying to focus on the things that are helpful without ignoring wise council that just sounds hard.
Tom- you rock. Thanks for taking so much time to respond in depth to my questions. It means the world to me.
Tulip- thanks so much for sharing. I feel as if I'm in another world or a bad dream and there is nobody to turn to. Hearing something similar helps ground me.
It has been so helpful for me to come here and ask the kinds of questions that you can't ask of your friends and family without ruining how they view my husband (and me).
I am trying to focus. And I plan on focusing just on reconciliation for now with my husband. Even with just that, there are so many times in a day when I feel alone. I want so bad to have a person that I can cry on their shoulder who would pat my back and tell me that they care. There are many many people in my life who have done that very thing when I've gone through other hard times or disappointments, but this is the big one. And this one- I know if I told anyone about it they would only see this failure when they looked at my husband. I just can't do that to him. To us. He is such a good man in all other respects and has truly been crushed by his own failure in this. I don't excuse it at all. I confront him honestly and he has taken any anger with care and answered any hard question I've asked. I'm not letting him off easy, but I just can't bear the thought that our friends and family would discount the other aspects of his life if they knew.
We've talked about going to a counselor. We probably will. But right now, that just sounds hard and scary. Not like a potential comfort at all. I'm still in "lick your wounds" stage. It's great to come here because I'm so confused that I think I would spin out of control without some outlet. But other than this, I still want it to be a private issue. Though I know I'll have to get some input from someone with skin on before too long.
What would a woman in my place have done years ago without this type of support? I think I would have gone a little mental by now.
Yes, you have to trust your own feelings in this. May be I was lucky in that my wifes other man was not so close to me. We are all different. Yet I feel the same comfort you do when I sense that deep down we are all the same in the most important ways. My heart goes out to your expression of need for support and understanding and the shoulder to cry on - that is lovely to feel from another and beautiful to receive - and so important a part of us humans that we can give and receive support like that to help heal our hearts.
may you be safe and well, contented and happy, if not now then some time soon
Lily, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now! I have been there also and know the utter devastation you feel. I am guessing that you aren't very long since D-day. I felt much like you did right at first after I found out about my husband's affair with my former-best friend. I couldn't imagine a life without acknowledging her as my friend. But, you have gotten some very good advice here. Give yourself some time and some grace. You will feel come to feel anger towards her, but you are not the one who is at fault here. She was the one who betrayed you. With time I have come to realize what several people have already said to you. She wasn't concerned with her relationship with me, she was only very selfishly concerned about herself. She didn't care about my children who she knew very well. She just wanted my husband. I don't need any friends like that.
I think you need someone to talk too. It has been three months since d-day for me so I'm no expert. We are also not telling anyone about my wifes A. We are seeing a MC and my wife is in IC. But being a man I certainly cannot talk to the guys at work. I have started going to meetings through BAN (beyond affair network). I see some faults with the system but it was help full to be able to talk to someone. Of course going and isn't going to solve my problem in an hour, but I do feel better after talking and getting feedback. I have been to two meetings so far and don't plan on going to a lot more. To me it is a step beyond posting on this site. It does help but you will then have to move beyond and keep going. I don't want to keep living this nightmare for years, so I don't want to keep bringing it up on this site and in meetings. I feel it somehow needs to be put behind us and both of us move on.
Counseling has also helped us because we definitely need help communicating. Our marriage needs help to survive. Where we will end up do not know. My wife has never been a very open person and this being a secret preserves her reputation. Sometimes I wonder if this is why she is working to save the marriage. Let me warn you I do worry about still living a lie and not having to face what she did. I do feel she is lying to the world and making me part of it.
My wife is a good woman in many other respects like your husband which I want to fix this marriage but I know at first my attitude was I must save my marriage. That lasted about six weeks and now I have to do what is right whatever it turns out that may be.
