It has been three months since d-day. My wife was contacting OM through AIM late at night after I went to sleep. I work at 6:30 AM, wife does not work outside the home. She has since stopped using AIM at all even though she did communicate with family a lot. She has always had access to our 15 year old daughters facebook account to keep an eye on her activities. In the last week she has commented on her brother, his wife, and some adult neighbors all having facebook. This morning she commented (the tone sounded like complaining) the she is the only one who can't have facebook. I have not told her she can't and she has not asked for permission, so I think she realizes I will have trouble with this. I am not ready to give her this freedom yet. I think she will get defensive if I want to put boundaries on her but I need them. She will complain if I know her password because she is already complaining she can't have anything or any time to herself. When I reminded her what she did with her self time (the A)she got mad and depressed. She still won't deal with the A. What have others done about boundaries and how has it worked?

Bill,

Your wife knows the boundries.. being upset is not showing you that she understands your feelings.. again the A and her current actions are all about her.

Is your W doing any IC or has you both seen a MC..

I think that a truly remorseful WS is acountable for their time and acrtions.. they want the BS to feel that they are truly working to understand why they strayed from the marriage.. broke trust.. hurt their partner.

MY MC told me I can only control my actions.. not those of my H.. he had to want to do the right thing.. he is acountable, open now .. but I don't check up on what he does when he is not with me.. I trust that he is telling me the truth..it has taken 6 yrs to get here.. I didn't want to be a detective 24/7. I refused to live checking up on him so. He has to want to do the honorable thing when there is no one there to question him.. but my H also know that that 3 strikes he is out..we have had 2 D-days..he has a lot to lose.. and I think he finally realized that about 3 yrs ago when he had continued to lie to me about a question I had asked him about his A.. my gut told me that he was lying and he finally told me the truth... that lie cost him a lot.. both emotionally and fiancially..because a lot of decisions we were based on that lie..

Take care,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Bill,

I'm with Pat. Your wife seems to have flipped and reversed the source of the limitations. Is she limited because you don't allow her to do these things, or is she limited because she doesn't allow herself to do them out of her desire to ease your pain and her concern for you?

After D-day my wife (who also did not work outside the home) chose to always make sure that she informed me when she was going anywhere and, when possible, she made sure that she was accompanied by someone, most often one of our kids.

I didn't impose that on her, but she did it to save me from my fears and to be accountable as much as possible. She didn't want internet access, which was probably helpful since her affair was mostly carried out through online communication. After about a year we got back online at my choice.

If you're reading your wife correctly and she really is complaining about her limitations (especially as if you've imposed them on her, or that they are some how punitive in nature), then she is showing a sign of selfishness and concern for herself over you. Obviously this is an area for you and her to discuss, to get a better understanding of each of your feelings and thoughts as you progress through this recovery.

TomJ

My wife is trying to be accountable. She does not go on the computer at all when I am around and never on AIM. She knows I can find anything she does on the computer so she limits herself to appropriate sites even when I'm not around. Like Tom's wife she does check in often and usually takes one of the children with her when she goes out. At times I felt she is testing what the boundaries will be. She is in IC and we are doing MC.
I don't intend to be a detective 24/7either. I need to for now but if the trust can't be rebuilt there is no future.
Apparently Pat gives three strikes. I am still surprised I gave one. She better realize there won't be two. She will be left with four kids(one with special needs), no job, and a house and bills to take care of. I know OM doesn't want the real life that goes with her. At times I wonder why I do.
Like tom's wife she put these limitations on her self. She does seem to be filled with guilt and punishing herself.
I really don't know how to read her yet. The A is a big secret. The kids don't know and she confides this in no-one. She talks to the counselors and a little with me. She has trouble dealing with the A, and is depressed after I discuss it with her. To me she is still living a lie. I don't know if it is because the A is still a big secret or she she holding back info on me.

Bill,

Just an FYI.. first D-day was about 24 yrs ago.. H told me he had an STD.. Blamed me for straying and told me wasn't in love with me.. I bent over backward to be the perfect wife.. this was before the internet and lots of books on the subject of A's .. in those days the wife was the guilty party .. whispers of she could NOT keep her man happy so he strayed were the norm... NOW ..life has changed.. MY H continued to stray traved a lot and picked up women at bars. when he was on the road. so there wasn't an emotional A to deal so there were no signs.. until his last A D-Day 2 6 yrs ago.... this one that lasted a yr was very emotional he loved her etc.. when I found out I told him to leave.. shocked him and he wanted to stay.. this time I demanded MC and IC.. he went NC with OW. with in 3 days... Lots of MC and IC in the past 6 yrs.. so if there were a next time .. he is gone..







"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I remember at the start that my H was really freaked out that he would have to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and he was really afraid that I would trap him and not let him have any private space. I told him that if we had to live that way forever then that wasn't going to make me happy. That I wouldn't enjoy being a relationship where my husband had to do every little thing I said or asked for out of some sense of obligation for making it up to me. I wanted him to do it because he wanted to do it. I was really offended that he thought that I would somehow enjoy belittling him and managing him to the nth degree. And, I told him that if this was going to work he was going to have to respect how deeply he hurt me and that he did have to do things to make me feel safe again and I would let him know what he needed to do to make me feel safe. And, if there was ever something that he didn't want to do he was just going to have to let me know and we'd have to figure it out. He's never really had a problem with creating a private space for himself since then. Just last night I looked at his mail on his Blackberry and asked him why some woman was reminding him about a meeting at 11pm. It was spam, I knew it, but I asked him about it anyway. He's ok with me checking. By him being ok with me looking, he's inviting me into his space and making me feel safe. By me rarely ever looking, I'm acknowledging the hard work he's done to make me feel safe.

We decided since most of her siblings and nephews and nieces have facebook she can have it. I will have access to her password. I felt the other day she would complain if I wanted her password, but she agreed with no fuss at all. It does seem to be progress that we discussed this with out a big argument and both gave in some. We used to dig in our heals if the other did not agree with us.

Hope I like the way your handling privacy and maybe in time I won't have to check her account often.

Hello. I haven't looked in here in maybe a year, but the first post I read was this one and boy did it bring some things back. My wife used her LiveJournal account plus email to share sweet nothings etc. with her OW and locked me out by making it friends only (NOT me) and changing her password.

So when she faced up to what she had done and asked me what she needed to do to come back, one of the things that was non-negotiable for me was that I wanted all her passwords to her various accounts, plus the freedom to take a look whenever I felt that I wanted to. No secrets. No private little worlds for her and someone else to cosy themselves up in. It was not a boundary for her, it was a boundary for me - one that I was not prepared to cross, and I let her know it. Boundaries are not about your WS, they are about you and how far you are prepared to let yourself and your trust be abused. It took me a long and painful journey to rediscover my boundaries, the ones I let my FWS shred as she pleased. So for what it is worth, I feel that you should insist in passwords for her accounts - THAT is transparency. It is not that you want to check up on her all the time, but it is a reassurance that she has nothing to hide and is happy for you to look at any time. I now trust my wife 100%, she has Facebook, and I am perfectly happy for her to befriend whomever she wishes, because I can be sure that she has earned my trust again by her actions. HER actions, mind, not mine.

Your wife needs to do the same, mate.

And YOU, must not slide over your boundaries.

All the best,
Dave

Dave

I do have my wifes passwords and she knows I can find anything on the computers and cell phones. Things are getting better as time goes on. I think my initial phase was do anything to save my marriage. Then I went to anger for a couple of months. Now at 5 months I feel a need for getting even. I won't follow through because two wrongs don't make a right, and I am not the type.
She seems genuinely remorseful but I find t hard to give myself back into the marriage to prevent being hurt again. I think my marriage will survive but it takes longer than I thought for forgive. I am just starting to accept what happened now after 5 months. The thought of acceptance started about a month ago and seem to co-inside with the get even feelings. I know these are not good but to some extent they are better than anger. I consider this progress. These feeling of acceptance came briefly at first and would not stay long. They seem to stay longer every time and now are here most of the time with less frequent feelings of anger.
Forgiveness even showed up very briefly and has not resurfaced. I don't know how long this will take but if I must start over I am willing to make the first try with my wife. Some parts of improving the marriage we had before the affair are not making the progress I feel we need. If we don't make it this may be the cause, but maybe I expect too much too soon. I am learning how long recovery takes. My wife seems to trying but I expect we will have some mistakes along the way. She knows the big mistake will end it all in no uncertain terms. This is not baseball so don't expect three strikes. I am still surprised I allowed one.
I now have the strength to end the marriage if it doesn't work for me. This is tremendous change from d-day. We both seem to have the desire to make it work now.


Good luck to you and all who need this site to find what is best for you.

Bill

"My wife seems to trying but I expect we will have some mistakes along the way. She knows the big mistake will end it all in no uncertain terms. This is not baseball so don't expect three strikes. I am still surprised I allowed one.
I now have the strength to end the marriage if it doesn't work for me. This is tremendous change from d-day. We both seem to have the desire to make it work now."

I believe that you have the right attitude...honestly I do. If your WS feels they can continue to get away with bad behavior they will. You have to be willing and able to walk away...no one deserves to be treated the way we have been and showing that you will not allow it is BIG! And it takes two no matter what...no matter how much you want to work things out if the other person does not step up to the plate it isn't possible! I found that out the hard way. SO I feel you are on the right path...and the rest, well, only time will tell. I dont believe in just forgiving someone...I think it takes time, maybe years with this type of betrayal (when you're ready) and I think the WS needs to earn it, that it doesnt just happen.

I wish you all teh best...


~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Bill,

The recovery process takes time... baby steps.. forgiveness is a gift you give yourself..my MC mentioned to me I was on the forgiveness path because I stayed and was willing to work on the relationship.. after the first D-day I totally blamed myself for my H's infidelity.. he promised he wouldn't stray and I believed him.. there was no accountability.. the next D-day 25 yrs. later ..I was stronger.. found IC.. MC, healing heart, all tools that have helped me ..

Progress is slow, change is slow.. but you can look back to when you found out about the A and your relationship before you found out.. and measure that change with what you see today.. you see actions, better communications with your wife.. that is work in progress. All the changes you need take time.. the first year is hard, second yr., a bit better, 3rd yr. way better..

The wanting to get even is a normal response.. there have been a few people here in the past who did have a revenge ONS.. it didn't make them feel any better if anything hurt them more. The old adage two wrongs don't make a right is so true..

Take care,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."