For the last few days I have become thinking of a revenge affair way too much. I did not have these feelings before so it is adding to the already too much confusion.
I think it may be a stage in the recovery. I am now at 5 months since d-day. At first I was overwhelmed and would do anything to save my marriage. Could that be the shock part. That lasted for a couple of months and then I went through a stage of why would I stay with someone that would do that to me. I stormed out a couple of times and one night stayed at a hotel. I think that was the anger stage. Now I am accepting staying but am getting these feelings of wanting to get revenge.
I am not the type to act on these feeling and I certainly understand two wrongs don't make a right. Is this a stage that will pass with time. I am not ready to commit to the marriage YET but feel I will. The marriage is getting better but we are certainly not at a point where I can stay. We still have a lot of work to do.
The reason I feel it could be a stage in the recovery is that my desire to leave is diminishing. I even had thoughts of forgiveness last week. The feelings did not last but I am getting used getting feelings of improvement that I am unable to grasp tight enough to hold on to. These feelings of improvement have got better and come more often over time.
The feelings of acceptance and staying were few and far between a month ago. I think I am starting to get a grasp on acceptance and maybe it will not slip away again. Even if the acceptance does slip away a few more times I know it keeps staying longer each time.
I guess I want to hear the feelings of revenge will go away in time. This is not something where revenge or punishment seem to work. I have to accept and move with my wife or not accept move on without her. If I have to build a new relationship I want to try with my wife first, but I have gained the strength to speak up if the marriage does not get good enough to justify staying. She is sorry and this is totally out of character for her so it will let me feel safe again in time.
Another thought before I end this is are my thoughts altered because she is out of the country for 5 days. She will not have an opportunity to see him because she is traveling with about 25 relatives including three of our children. It is a very structured trip with very little free time and I can't see any reason for OM to be in that country at all never mind at this time.
Talk about reminders. As part of my trust issues I keep tabs on the computers in the house. Since she communicated with him by computer I watch all in case she uses a different computer than ours. While I had time this weekend I searched all the computers. My 21 year old son now has an account on Ashley Maddison seeking older women.
I thought about having a revenge affair about 5 months after Dday and even looked at the slippery slope, sat at the top of it, shimmied a little down it and then stopped it. Or maybe it stopped itself. I can't remember. I thought about it alot and realized that I had gone about 5 months of being so hurt and betrayed I just needed to taste some undamaged acceptance, interest, and feel pretty and attractive. I remember telling my husband, "I am going to talk to this person because there are just some emotional gapping holes that you are in no position to fill right now!" I had set myself up in a rented room at a friends house to get some space from all the drama and triggers. Before that I did stay at a hotel for a couple of nights as well.
It sounds to me that you are just finding your way down the path. Maybe since your wife is away you're feeling even more emotionally unfulfilled than normal. It is difficult to be separated, especially by an ocean, for any length of time in your first months.
I know I had times where I thought "How could he do this to me, I would NEVER do that to him." And there I was thinking about it, and then I could develop some compassion for him to see how easy it was to turn in another direction for fulfillment. And, then I had to think about what I needed to do to find the fulfillment within myself rather than outside my marriage.
Looking back on it I can easily see how it wouldn't have resolved anything. It would only have made it worse and more confusing. I'm glad nothing happened. No one deserves to be cheated on, not even a cheater. And, worse it will only hurt you and make you disrespect yourself that you didn't have the strength to see it through. I feel like a wimpy assed shXt for having even turned in that direction. Save yourself and stick to the path of healing and resolution.
I know there is/was this constant battle of feeling like I wished he would have just decided to leave, what can I do to make it his decision instead of mine, I would do anything to make life as it was change, just so the pain would be different or go away. If you are feeling any of that then the slippery slope can be an appealing. Also running my car off the freeway into a tree so that I would be in the hospital and feeling physical pain was another potential solution.
It's been almost 2 years since Dday and I do from time to time think about having an A. It's more of a fleeting thought than a serious consideration. I think it is a thing I do to find my weaknesses so I can build my strength and keep my marriage intact and on the right path. It is not a fixation or focus which is what I think you are most concerned about.
My recommendation is to "Shift your Focus" - my mantra when I start sliding into A depression. Take some time to think about doing something really nice and romantic when your wife returns. If you're anything like my husband, it will be hard has heck, but write her at leaset a one page letter. Include some of your sweetest memories of your wedding day, your funnest days together, recognize how you both got through some other challenge together, and write down all of the things that you appreciate that she does. Do not write anything about the A, even if it is positive -like "I appreciate how hard you have worked to be honest, remorseful, and recover from the A". Because she is going to keep this letter forever and ever and you don't want her to reread it in 10 years and have it marred by the one thing that she did wrong (huge as it is). She'll remember anyway, but it will be fleeting, instead of in her face.
Keep the faith in your marriage, its what you would have wanted your W to do. Do not lower yourself to being an OM - ewwww! After 2 years, I can tell you its TOTALLY worth it.
This message has been edited by forgandforg on Mar 8, 2009 7:42 PM
Yep, I thought about a revenge A too. I think that it crosses most BSs mind. I even discussed it with my husband. He said that he wished that I would, said he deserved nothing less. But that just hurt more because if I were to have a revenge A his pain wouldnt be the same pain that I had. Because he didnt have the blind trust that I did. He wouldnt be gas lighted for nearly a year. He wouldnt be treated like crap and always wondering why something just didnt feel right. He wouldnt have to suspect that his spouse was seeing someone else and then feel guilty for it. He wouldnt have to force himself to snoop because he couldnt take the not knowing anymore. Had I had a revenge A it wouldnt be like it was for me with his A. The reason for wanting a revenge A, was just that, revenge. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and the only way that could happen was if he was in a position of trust and completely blindsided by it. So, for me the revenge A would have been useless. The other end of it was, it just isnt in me to do that. Plus the one thing I had to hold on to when my world was falling apart was that I knew I had been loyal even when things were really bad.
I think I am like Ami in that I don't think it is in me to do it either. The thoughts are apparently normal. I kind of look at it as a stage that I will get beyond. Since I think my last stage was anger I do find this as a tremendous improvement. I know I can deal with this and not do the revenge affair but I want to know how long it will last. I don't know it it is the time apart letting me think or if this next stage would have happened anyway, but I feel much better about staying. The thoughts of revenge as bad as they may be seem better to me than the anger I have been feeling for months. Usually in this alone time I get myself worked into an emotional mess ready to explode but I feel fine now. Maybe this is progress (hopefully real progress as opposed to perceived).
Hope I'm not much of a letter writer. Actually this would be the first in almost 23 years of marriage, but let me give it a try. It will keep me busy and if i don't like the letter when it's done I don't have to give it to her.
Tom The feelings are directed toward my wife now that you mention it. Reading your question made me realize how little I think about him now. I think I'll take that as a sign of further progress.
We still need to repair our marriage from what it was that allowed this to happen so the road still has a way to go.
