Dday was just over 8 months ago, July 2. At the time, we had plans to move in together mid-August and we continued with those plans as I wanted to believe that we'd be ok and he had promised to give me all the information and answers I needed to get past this.  I since have learned that he is of the mindset that it's the past and it didn't mean anything, so it's not important, and he has consistently put off and resisted giving me any answers.  I also learned it was easier (in the short term anyway) to just try to box it up, put it away, and forget it all, but that hasn't fixed anything and we are now in the middle of a huge blowup. 

I told him point blank on Friday that I need the answers I've been asking for or I cannot continue this relationship.  He told me he would write up a timeline for me "by the end of the weekend."  It didn't happen.  I have kept pushing, we have kept arguing every night, and he finally wrote it and emailed it to me before he went to work this morning.  I appreciate that he is at least finally trying.  He insists that he loves me and wants to get through this together and will "do whatever it takes."  The problem is that he is still completely minimizing, generalizing, and every other "izing" that I can't think of that removes the blame from him.  Additionally, he just called and then texted me, trying to dump this whole situation back on me, trying to make me take the blame for the state our relationship is in right now!  ("Why is this coming up now? Why did you agree to move in together if you couldn't get past it?")  Dammit! We are here because HE cheated on me, not because of anything I did!!!  I haven't been able to get past it because he has done nothing to help m get past it! How do I get him to understand and own that???

 

"How Do I get WP to own this??"

The first thing you have to do is own your own boundaries. But before you do that you have to decide what your boundaries are. We all make the mistake of forming boundaries that we think are for our partner. The truth is we can only make boundaries for ourselves, and then we are the ones that get the consequences when they are broken. You made a boundary that you would move in with your BF on the understanding that he would be up front with you about the A. That boundary was broken, what is your consequence for yourself. If you don't uphold your boundaries you can't expect him to.

There is no way to make someone do something they don't want to do. Upholding ones own boudaries does work some of the time. You have enabled your BF to glide through this, and now that you are upholding your boundaries he is pushing back. He is used to you enabling him.

I'm sorry, none of this is fun or easy.

Ami

The message was removed due to a violation of our site Policy, which prohibits posts that are "designed to solicit business or interviews from forum members". Because the same message has been repeated on a large number of threads and is unnecessarily intrusive, we have concluded that these messages are not intended to further the stated purposes of The Healing Heart.

Doris,

It is very unusual for someone to post an email without a story. Please tell us yours.

Members, I would warn you against emailing someone we all no nothing about.

Ami