Another plea for advice... H and I are doing well, really working on repairing and strengthening our marriage. I am really working on developing trust again, but I'm having a sticking point. I have a suspicion, probably unfounded - but still there, that he is using his work e-mail to contact someone - not the OW - but another potential problem person. I've become a little 'obsessed' with this. I've asked him and he insists that he hasn't; that when he does e-mail her, it will be with me there to okay what is written.
I have a hard time believing this, because this was a person he had major feelings for many years ago. She just came back into his life about the time of the 'event', and he was very happy to connect with her again. Now, it has been almost a week since she has e-mailed him, and he has not responded. (at least not that I know of)
Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I becoming too obsessive? I have to 'trust' that he is not contacting her - I have no way to know otherwise. How do I let this go so I can move forward?
Again, any advice, words or whatever is greatly appreciated. I've gotten so much out of the posts and responses on this board.
You sound as if you've told him how you feel, but have you asked him for his password? Or have the two of you come up with another way for you to not feel like he is hiding something, other than you having to accept him at his word? Pretty hard to accept someone at their word who has betrayed you,a nd who has not fully regained your trust. If you trusted him you would not feel teh way you do. OK...I am believer in gut instincts. If you "feel" something is not right chances are somethings not right. Sounds like you are trying to dismiss your own feelings. Sure, you may be over reacting, there is that chance given what you've been through. And that is exactly why he should be giving you direct access to his work email and you should be allowed to check it whenever and as often as you need to. He should be trying to prove to you he isnt up to anything because of what you have been through. And you should not dismiss your own feelings because of what you've been through. If there is nothing there then he just got some points on the trust scale! This is exactly how trust is rebuilt....by being an open book! And that means in all aspects of his life. There is no longer a given "right" to privacy...he violated that and now has to rebuild that trust, and that takes time, patience, and being a 100% open book....FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES...not how long he feels it should take. Not even how long YOU feel it should take. It takes as long as it takes, usually years. So...unless it's a case of national defense or sensative information pertaining to the privacy laws of your state I see no reason why you should not have access to his work email.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 16, 2009 6:24 PM
My H works with the OW. They work in the same building but on different floors. I was always being told how busy he was working and so when I would IM him at work he would say he was too busy to talk.
Now I know that while he was too busy to talk to me, he was not too busy to talk to OW all day.
It is really really hard for me not to think he is still talking to OW. His job was like is sanctuary for the A. After D-day #1 everything moved to work. I only caught him because one weekend I asked him to log into his work email and let me look through it. To this day he can not tell me why he did it, knowing that there was an entire folder full of letters too and from OW. My H completely obliterated any trust I had for him. If it had not been for our kids and the fact that I was 5 months pregnant, I would have filed for divorce that Monday. But when I told H that was my plan he cried.. and I had never seen him do that before about anything, so, I reluctantly decided to stay and give him a chance to fix things. Here I am.
I can not tell you how to get through this. Even as I am writing this I can feel the anxiety that I feel when my H is setting red flags off for me.
Since you can not control what your H does, it is all about you. I think this is the boundary thing...Just take the time to think about what you will do if you ever find out he is indeed being inappropriate with this old friend.
Can you contact the friend? Is there any reason why she is just his friend and not a friend of your marriage. If you are in MC you might bring that up and express to you H that (especially now after an A) opposite sex friends that are not friends of the marriage, make you uncomfortable.
If there is a way he can show you his emails from work, then ask him to do so randomly.
As for that you can do while he is at work and you are on your own to deal with your nerves. I am not sure what to tell you. I try to stay busy and when I can not I write or visit here. I am finding the "letting things take their course" bit after an A, the hardest part. I am so on guard about everything. I know if my H cheats again or continues to cheat with OW, I will feel like the biggest fool again times 2! I do not want that. I want to trust my H and I am sure you want to trust yours.
Empower yourself by taking care of yourself. Set your boundaries. Then jump in. The water is cold and uncomfortable at first, but I guess the old timers will tell us.. it eventually gets better.
If he doesn't need to be in contact with her for a business reason (personal or work), then he should send her an reply that kindly declines the opportunity to reconnect. He can do this "directly" by telling her outright, or he can do it "indirectly" by sending a message that is not confrontational, but leads her understand that he's not very much interested in rekindling a relationship on any level.
Thanks for the advice. DH and I had a good talk about it the other night and I told him again the fear that I had about work e-mail. He is in a position that he can't access e-mail from home, and I can't really 'drop by the office' to look at it. SO, in that regard, I have to believe that he's doing the right thing. I was able to point out to him some major warning signs I was feeling from the other potential problem person as well (she had been talking about me in derogatory terms to another person we knew; she was e-mailing me friendly e-mails from one account under her married name and e-mailing him seperately from another account under her maiden name; she was assuring me that I should not see her as a 'threat' - I'm not sure where that came from as she did not know about the situation) Anyway, he took all that into consideration and said that there is no way that an old friendship will again come between he and I. So, we sit down and write the e-mail together, kindly saying that while it was nice to see her again, that is where it ends.
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This message has been edited by tomj76 on Jun 30, 2009 11:52 AM
In the age of Blackberries, VPN access, wireless networks and laptop computers I find it slightly unusual that access to work email from a home computer is not possible.
It's possible of course that his company doesn't have this, but it is widespread technology.. it's possible, just odd.
Do you know any spouses or anyone in a similiar position? A simple, "Does your H or W spend alot of time on work emails from home?" is an innocent enough question in these busy times to see if you are getting a straight story.
My dh works in an area that is classified - for him to have outside access to work e-mail would mean jumping through quite a few hoops and having a legit reason to access e-mail outside of work. At this point, I am satisfied that he is being honest. And actually, if he is not, right now there are other areas that trump this. If it comes down to it, he has said he'll see what it takes. I'm focusing on other areas at the moment.
It may help you to know that most workplaces handling classified material are pretty aggressive about monitoring e-mail traffic (to prevent leakage of classified material to people not authorized to see it). In fact, even companies that don't handle classified material often monitor employee e-mail (to prevent leakage of proprietary info and/or misuse of IT). So in that kind of environment, an employee would have to be awfully wreckless to use an official e-mail account for inappropriate communications (even if the OP were also an employee).
Of course, anyone can create a GMAIL or HOTMAIL account. So you'll want to remain alert and follow up on your instincts. Every BS has a right to seek peace of mind by following a "trust, but verify" approach. And no FWS has a right to act offended when asked to prove that they are truly out of the fog.
I work for the federal government in Canada, and because the information I deal with is protected, I cannot access it from elsewhere, including a personal computer.
I realize with technology today it is unlikely, but it is also possible.
