I never thought that I would be in a place like this. My husband, whom I thought loved me, had an EA with some physical touching (I'm just not sure how physical) with a person almost half his age. He's 53, the OW is 27.
We've been together almost 20 years. Last year, we went on a trip, visited our daughter, and visited this OW on our way home. He kissed her goodbye - from what I hear, right on the lips. I guess that's where it started.
From there, they talked on the phone - one month, I counted over 300 phone calls! He would talk to her on the way to work, during work, and on the way home from work. When I saw the cell phone bill, I flipped out! I really got mad when I realized that he was calling her on business trips late at night and not me. Sometimes, I wanted to call him while I was home alone, but figured that I would let him sleep. Well, come to find out, she was calling him in the middle of the night, and he called her too! I asked him what in the world was going on. Of course, I got what I now recognize as WS speak - 'we're just friends'. We went to counseling for that, but with his work schedule and the counselor's schedule, didn't really get too far.
Next thing I know, she's coming out to visit us. One morning, I woke up early, and they were in the kitchen. It was dark, and when I called out, all of a sudden, she came scurrying out like a cockroach trying to get out of the light. Stupid me! I thought it was strange, but naw - my husband couldn't be cheating on me. Especially with her. While she may be much younger than me, she is homely! She is also religious, and so I thought, naw, she wouldn't do anything like that. Besides, I'm like her mother, she's told me that many times. She loves me. He loves me.
Oh - another incident happened at church. We have a prayer time, and during this time, he hugged her front to front - and I - HIS WIFE - was standing out to the side. It was like a complete role reversal - like she was his wife and I was just the friend. I was never so humiliated and embarrased in my whole life, I mean, I broke down crying at the hurt of it all. It felt like the whole church saw that (I don't think many people even noticed). But that's an example of what I'm talking about - his boundaries have been askew for quite some time.
Of course, anytime I would raise any questions about their relationship, I would get the classic WS speak "You're just being paranoid. I'm not cheating on you. We're just friends".
So fast forward a few months. The phone calls calmed right down, so I thought that maybe I was being paranoid. I had been in the habit of snooping because I haven't trusted my husband in a long time. He seemed not to know about boundaries in the past - we had many discussions about what is appropriate and inappropriate with other females. I could never get him on the same page as me - and he didn't really care how I felt, because after all, he grew up to be loving to others. I just basically had to deal with it. Even though it made me uncomfortable, he hugged and kissed (on the cheek) other women. I was the one with the problem.
Anyway, on January 17, I snooped on his phone. I found an email from her telling him how much she loves him with some other very sexual explicit talk. He had been up almost all night with our son watching tv. I asked him what in the world was going on, and of course, I got all the classic WS talk. "I don't know what you are talking about." I asked him if he had sent her any sexually explicit emails, and of course, he hadn't. So while he went out to get gas and call our pastor (this time, I was not going to allow him to get away with anything - he had alot of 'splaining to do, and with someone else other than me), I went digging. Since I had the email address (one that he had set up unbeknownst to me), I played around until I was able to change the password.
Well, lo and behold! What do you know? There were MANY sexually explicit emails from him to her. I printed one off as evidence since he lied to me, right to my face.
Then I called our pastor. My husband buzzed in, so our pastor took his call. After they hung up, the pastor called me back to tell me that they had made arrangements to have coffee together. When my husband came home, I confronted him about the email he said didn't exist. He was mad at me for printing it out. He left to go talk to the pastor.
We went over and spoke to the pastor and his wife, me with email in hand. They read it before my husband got there. They were shocked, as was I. Anyway, it came out that he had had an emotional affair with this twit because of me. Because he didn't want drama in his life (hello?) and that I was difficult sometimes because I complained about stuff. Like who doesn't. Anyway, I was livid because he never said anything like that to me before. And chose to say it in front of my pastor and his wife.
So we went home and wrote a No Contact email to her. We copied in our pastor so she would know that she had been 'outed'. (She's met our pastor on her two visits to our city). Our letter said that I found out about the disgusting affair and not to contact us in any way, shape or form. So what does the stupid woman do? Thirty minutes later, she emails us back!!! To say that she was "sorry". Yes, in quotes - she wrote "I am sorry". What does that mean? She also said that she understands why the relationship has to be broken off, and she will respect our wishes of no contact, but she will be there if we ever want to be reconciled. (Not a chance in he-double hockeysticks, sweetheart).
We've been trying to pick up the pieces ever since. There's been no further contact (at least none that I know of). My husband has said that he has no interest in contacting her. This affair really has turned his world upside down. He had been given some responsibility within the church and that was all yanked away from him when this broke.
I've been on this roller coaster ride of being angry, depressed, disgusted ever since. I want our marriage to work, I really do, but sometimes it is so difficult. There are triggers that I don't even realize and when I get angry, then my husband and I get into a fight. Sometimes, after a fight, he'll say, "I'm sorry for such and such, are you going to say you're sorry too?" That makes me angry - like trying to control what I feel and don't feel - which in a way is a trigger for me - "You shouldn't feel this way, she's just a friend." I'm so tired of being told how to feel I could scream. I'm sorry, but I don't think my husband has any change in his pocket whatsoever to tell me how I should feel, respond, or anything.
Another trigger for me, is that a bunch of my friends, our pastor and our son are on a trip that had been planned for over a year now. My husband was supposed to be the leader of the group, but because of this affair, he cancelled out. Which, was good - because, she is also on the trip. In fact, before the affair was found out, I was uneasy about them being together on the trip - at that time I had found out that I was unable to go. Sure enough, they (or at least she) had been making plans to "get together" during the trip so they could express their love to each other.
Well, they all left yesterday. I find myself angry today that I'm not on that trip. I find myself angry that she's with people that I love, my friends, my son, my pastor. Granted, I think she's miserable because she hasn't said a word to my son or my pastor (before all this, she thought of our son as her little brother, and they got along well).
I don't think she has any sense of remorse over what she has done, she told a friend that the affair broke off because I was a jealous woman and would not understand their relationship. Hello? No woman in America would understand her husband carrying on an adulterous relationship.
I am humiliated - I feel like she used confidential information against me to paint me as a dysfunctional wife. I've lost at least one mutual friend - this friend decided to believe the OW's story and has since dumped me.
I am so mad at her. The anger for her has not subsided since d-day. The anger for my husband has diminished somewhat - mostly because I can see how he is remorseful and repentant. He is really trying as much as he can - but some things he just doesn't get understand as noted above.
So - does it get any better? Sometimes, I think like I want this to work out - and other times, I'm not sure if I will ever get past this. Today, I've been feeling like such an idiot - there were signs right there, and I ignored them - did I not see them? Is there such as thing as BS fog - where things like what I've described don't register? I feel like a complete fool.
I so want to send her an email telling her what I really think of her. I fear for other married couples that she might get close to - with perhaps the idea of seducing the husband?
Thanks for reading, I just had to get all this out - I haven't really had the opportunity to do so since it all started.
I don't have time to respond to all, but I just wanted to let you know your post was read, and that people understand exactly what you are going through. You are not alone. 7 years ago I learned of my husbands EA/PA with a much younger woman, we survived the whole mess together, but it took a long time, and alot of work on both our parts. One thing that concerns me is that your husband is not owning the cause of your pain and the triggers you are having. He needs to understand that you are reacting as would be expected of someone who has suffered a major life altering event and that is the betrayal of the one person in the world that definately should not have. There is an ebook that you can download for him to read that may help. go to www.aftertheaffair.net
K, we all had huge red flags blaring in front of us, but we did what we thought we were suppose to do, and the was blindly trust our spouses. He did this, and he needs to start owning it.
As to the OW. As hard as it is to do, try to let her go. Don't contact her, it will only set you back, and you won't be able to get through to her anyway. That doesn't mean she is right, cause she isn't, she is dead wrong.
You are not alone. You are not crazy, and little tiny baby steps at a time it does get better.
Hello and welcome. Not that any of us are happy to be here, but it is good that you have come to a place were you can get support.
D-day (discovery day) for me was 7 months ago. I know just how you are feeling. Especially everything you said about your feelings toward the OW. No contact is very important. I was told that contacting OW was a bad idea and much like a lot people here will tell you, still did it and I was very sorry. Saying what is on your mind, will not change how she feels about the affair and her responds will very likely make you more angry. Hearing how OW feels reflected very badly on my H. It really changed the way I think about him. How could he make someone else feel that way? How could he lead OW on and make her think such terrible things about our marriage? Needless to say...contacting OW only further damaged any repair my H and I were making. So please, if you have cut off things it is really really important not to contact her. Try writing a letter to her that you do not send. Burn it or mail it back to yourself or to your H and let him see how all of this has made you feel, in writing.
It is important for you to focus on you and your H (husband). WS (wayward spouses) are in a fog after they break off an A. They say they are sorry, but just like you they are shell shocked from the discovery.
My H gave me the same story when I asked him why. Why did he have the A? Because he was depressed and I was always arguing and making life complicated for him. OW was easy and fun. It is an infuriating reason. You want to smack them upside the head for ruining their marriage for something so petty.
I wish I had some other advice to give you, but as you can see from my other posts. I am stumbling through this just like you are. But, I am glad you are here and I hope that posting here will help you.
Welcome to our forum. I hope that you will find help here as you travel through the reconcilation and recovery process. As Ami mentioned, our group has walked in your shoes, or at least similar shoes, and we understand the depth of pain that you've experienced.
As for your question, I believe you're right that BS also experience "foggy" thinking. Not only as you described, in waking up to the truth that the signs around them point to adultery in their marriage are what they are, but also in the aftermath, from recognizing the difference between a remorseful spouse (verses one who truely has turned the corner) to truly knowing that there are personal shortcomings that can cause our wayward spouse into having an affair.
I wanted to assure you that (because of the strong role church plays in your life) it's too common for church members, even "devoted" ones, to become involved in adultery. For example, my wife was a church leader prior to her affair, and she was participating in a women's Bible study at the time of the affair. She even went straight from her Bible study to lunch dates with the OM. She lived as a hypocrit. In addition, a very devout friend of ours (who even homeschooled her children as part of her desire to insure they received a balanced education) had one affair many years before we knew her and another recent one. I know of at least two pastors who have been dismissed from their charges because of adulterous relationships with women in their church. A widely known national church leader, Gorden MacDonald, was caught in an affair and has written a helpful book on the recovery of their marraige.
The point of these examples, is that you are not alone in your experience. I agree with the actions of your pastor to dismiss your husband from his responsibilities, and I think it was wise to not attend the trip that you mentioned. I think that it's important the you insure as much as possible that there is absolutely no contact with the OW, either you or your husband. It would also be good if there was a way for your son's contact with her to end, although I understand how that might be difficult to manage.
I believe that affair partners are not 'chosen' because they are more attractive (in any way) than the spouse. I've heard of too many situations where the wayward spouse chose someone relatively unattractive. My wife has said many times (both before and after the affair) that she is not attracted to the OM. There are many aspects of attraction that he did not fulfill for her. However, he was "in the right place at the right time" for her, and he told her things that she wanted to hear. For her, the attraction to him was the ego stroking that he gave her. This doesn't mean that I wasn't also doing things that should have stroked her ego. It was my wife's mindset that my words and deeds were "requirements of marriage" and not sincere, but the OM's were more volunetary and therefor sincere. Of course, the truth is a complete reversal of that logic. The OM was interested in drawing her into a sexual relationship and likely doing things for her and telling her things to win her over. My only motivation was to appreciate her and encourage her, and it was more likely to be sincere than his comments, since I had nothing personally to gain from it (other than to love my wife).
I wouldn't be surprised if there was some similar dynamic going on with your husband. He might have chosen the OW simply because she was available and she was young. The fact that she is not attractive might have been part of the attraction in that felt like she was less likely to reject him. That's only one possiblity, there are hundreds that could apply.
Since it's been about two months since you've learned of the affair, I'm sure they you've experienced much heartache already, and you maybe at a very low point right now. It is key that you work to maintain your physical and emotional health. This experience is very draining on a person, and we tend to loose our appetites and our motivation for doing the daily chores of life. You need to be deliberate about making sure that you do things such as eat right, exercise, pray, and do things to help you rest from the emotional trauma.
It takes time for the WS to learn the primary leason of remorse... that they alone are responsible for their behavior, and that the truest sign of their remorse is that they humbly take responsiblity for easing the pain that their actions have caused. My wife needed my help to learn this. It took her a fairly long time to learn this completely, because she too was blaming other people and circiumstances for her behavior. It only when she fully admited her fault and fully accepted responsiblity that our healing could really start to progress. I hope that your husband will learn this leason quickly.
Again, I hope that you'll find the help you need here on The Healing Heart forum.
Thanks for all the responses. My husband just asked me why I am reading all this stuff. I told him because he cannot understand how I feel. And, this is the first time that I've told my full story to anyone. I don't have alot of support - emails that I've sent to my pastor's wife have not been responded to. Others who know of the affair, don't know ALL of the details...so I pretty much feel alone at this point.
Thank goodness, the OW lives in another state - some 2,000 miles away. After this trip, there should be no more contact between anyone in my family and her. She had signed up and paid for this trip long in advance, along with her 2 friends. My son took my husband's place (he got to go for free) - and he was a bit apprehensive about going. (He's 19, by the way). My husband did tell him about the affair on d-day, so he is aware of it. I'm also thankful that our pastor knows about it and is keeping our son close to him during the trip. My son is in a leadership position in our church (he's in training for the ministry).
Oh this is great. My husband just told me that he can't deal with this kind of "meltdown" that I had today for another 2 months. So, let's see after 4 months, I'm supposed to be totally over this betrayal - that he did. I can't have bad days, or triggers. I can't be upset when he tells me to "lighten up" or that I am "over-reacting". I just have to get with the program and move on.
I don't know if I can get past this, especially with my husband being this way.
Please know that none of this is your fault. I know it seems like your whole world is falling down around you and you don't know how to cope. Just take it one minute or one second at a time. Be kind to yourself, and take care of you. I found it very helpful during the early months to read all that I could find on affairs. I was like a sponge. Understanding helped me cope.
K - It may really help if you can get your H to read one book on As. You may very well read many but the WS is probably only likely to read one. The book Ami mentioned is very good - but given your Hs frequent refrain you may want to try "Not Just Friends" - it's an excellent book. Either of the books will help your H see why it takes longer for you to process and heal from this trauma than either of you anticipate - they both also provide good information for him about what he needs to face in himself and in you and what actions he can take to help you, himself and the marriage. If you and your H are involved in pastoral counselling, the pastor's wife may not be responding to you because she is in a conflict of interest. Many of us have participated in this forum for years. It is really helpful for support. We all have variations on your experience. Some will be feeling raw pain just like you - many of us are further down the road. We're imperfect and not a replacement for therapy but in some ways the forum is the face of reality. It's a long journey but you can recover if he is truly remoreseful and you are both able to support each other through this process. MM
>My husband just told me that he can't deal with this kind of "meltdown" that I had today for another 2 months.
Although this type of commment is something I've heard as well (not exactly the same), it's a sign of his desire to but this behind.
It fails to understand how deep the emotional trauma is, and how lengthy the recovery process is.
He might consider the alternative question... if he can't control this and the time it takes is longer, what options does he have? Is he really in a position to make such demands?
My wife got angry at me when I tried to use a calendar to assemble a timeline of the affair. She thought I was making it harder than it had to be. I somehow explained that I was in control of my recovery and if she wanted to show her love for me then she would be willing to help.
I think we got through that. Both of us understand now that sometimes we say things in the heat of the anger that we don't mean. We're both trying to not say things that we will regret.
I guess one thing that I wish he would understand is the amount of anger that I feel towards him, more so her, and the situation in general. We have lost so much - because of his selfish behavior. There were so many warnings to him to stop - sermons heard, close calls of being caught, and yet - he continued on.
I don't think he understands that I don't trust him. When he says "I love you" I don't know whether to believe him or not. He said that to me all during the time that he was carrying on with this other person. He was involved in church, and yet hid this secret life very well. This has affected our relationships with people at church - most do not know, but the ones who do - well, I think they are shocked, and angry that he could so easily live a double life. He snowed us - there are just no other words to describe it.
My fear is that if he did it once, how do I know if he's telling me the truth now? I'm pretty certain that he's not in contact with this person, but there could be another. He could be emailing someone - and this time, just going deeper underground to make sure he doesn't get caught. Of course, I could never express that to him, because he probably would leave. He doesn't understand that this distrust is a natural consequence of what he has done - what he chose to do.
The only thing that keeps me going most times is my faith in God. And even that sometimes seems shaky. I know that God brought this out in the open now - and before the trip - so that the affair didn't get any more physical than what it was.
But his unwillingness at times (it's not like this all the time), is going to be the deal breaker for me. He just wants it over with so he can get back to life before the affair. I'm afraid for me that life will never be the same. Perhaps it will be better - but from what I've read, that takes a lot more time than what he thinks or wants.
Your fear is real, honesty, understandable, and practical.
The only way a person can "know" if the behavior will be repeated is to look for real remorse in the offender, and look to see if it is lasting or only temporary. There should be real changes in the offender's attitude. Are they humble? Do they understand that their misdeed requires them to accept the consequences? Do they demand that forgiveness and mercy take the form THEY want, or do they accept forgiveness however it is given and are they thankful for whatever mercy is shown? Do they try to comfort the pain they have caused? How often do they react in anger when seeing that pain reminds of their wrongdoing? I believe it really comes down to their humility.
This doesn't give the offended the right to be abusive, or take advantage of the humbled spouse. The truth is that both spouses will need to react to the infidelity in very humble ways in order to recover the marriage. However, the most situation that seems most common is that the offender needs to do much work to move to a point of true remorse. It took my wife several years to reach this point, even though she immediately said she wanted to work on reconcilation.
If your husband is concerned about a long recovery time, I would advise him to immediately get to work on humbling himself and truly seeking your forgiveness. In addition, since he seems to be deeply involved in church, I would also advise him to fully understand the depth of this sin in the eyes of God. Adultery is an act of a person who is not submitted to God, but instead believes that they are their own god and can make their own rules for themself. The sooner he deals with his pride and arrogance, the sooner he can start to show you his remorse, changed heart, and renewed commitment.
It has been a long time since I have posted here. I remember finding this sight just after D-day and coming across an 'estimate' of how long it takes to heal from betrayal. I remember telling my H that this could take up to a year! Although I cannot remember his exact response, I remember him disregarding my statement, and implying that if it took that long then obviously I'd be milking it to punish him.... and just because other people said that, doesn't mean it has to take me that long.....like anyone would prolong this pain by CHOICE... puleease.
But, alas, I was not the norm, it took closer to 3 1/2 years to be at a place where I can say I felt 'healed'. This really is NOT about time passing, altho time is a great healer, but it is more about consistant, healing behaviors demonstrated over and over by your H. I think it takes years of this to undo the lying/hiding demonstrated during an A. I must stress the word consistant! Altho I do believe it can take some time for them to get there as they emerge from the 'fog', eventually it must become consistant. Or trust will be very hard to re-establish within the relationship.
As I know hope was so very important to me just after D day.... My H and I are 4 1/2 years out now, we are happy, have built a better relationship (thanks to counseling, Retrouvaille, etc) and in the process are modeling to our kids how to work thru relationship difficulties. Although I know there will always be a (healed) crack in our foundation, I am truly happier now with our relationship than I was in much of our pre-d day marriage due to issues we addressed post d day. I share this because it was so helpful and provided much needed hope to me to hear other folks success stories....
It was a mountain worth climbing. Many times I wanted to give up (especially in the first year +) it was so painful. But thanks to God and my faith, we made it thru. I pray for you and your husband to have successful healing, and that he is able to take the steps needed to help you heal from this.
Ruth
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This message has been edited by tomj76 on Jun 30, 2009 11:53 AM
