Knowing that my husband's actions were enabled by drinking to the point where inhibitions were gone, I've come to really dislike the stuff. When I found out about everything, I said 'you no longer drink'. Period. It's only been a little over three months since d-day and 7 months since the affair ended. Beer is already creeping back. A couple of weeks ago it was 'can I have some wine with dinner' after a stressful day. This week he's had lots of work stress. Asked about having it with one meal and the next day had two while I was out. Not trying to hide it. Not getting drunk. But I can't stand to think of it. When he has a drink, the only thing I can think of is the affair. And wonder to myself how long it would be before it creeps back into being a problem. I've never been opposed to an occasional drink, but I don't feel in control of this. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

Sometimes there would be issues that would come up as triggers for me. And, while they seemed irrational to my H they were issues for me. And, during those times I would just communicate with him that my trust is building up in some areas. For example, I didn't realize that he was not moving away from his desk at work so that he would be there to answer my calls, because he knew that I needed to know he was at work when he said he was at work - even though the A did not occur at work, except for e-mails and such. As far as I know he never told me he was at the office when he was actually with the OW. Once I realized he was chained to his desk, I told him that it was ok if he just called me back when he got back to the desk.

And then I would tell him about the trigger at issue and let him know it was still an issue. So, even now I will give him status or reminders like - I still can't hear the name of that town without feeling ill, now I can say her name without breaking down and crying, now I can hear your blackberry e-mail message tone and not worry about who the message is from, etc.

For the bigger ones I would just say, I really thought I was ready to watch that show with an A subplot, but I'm not would you mind watching something else. Or, I know your trying to treat me special and take me to a nice hotel, but that one looks like what I think the room you stayed in with OW looked like. Could you find another place or shall we do something else.

And finally, I'd reassure him again that we have had some progress and it gives me hope and I truly believe that if we keep working on it, then I will eventually be able to get over this thing being a trigger too. But, I'm just not ready today. For the beer thing, you might just give him a time span. It sounds like a pretty strong reaction you are having so maybe ask him to revisit it with you in two months.

My H was truly remorseful but he stumbled along, as did I, and I was able to communicate with him. There's always a worry that he's going to get mad that he needs his space, things he wants, wants to get back to the way it was, etc. But, he gave that up by making bad decisions. So, if he's truly remorseful, he'll follow your lead on what you need to recover. But, he can't read your mind and he may easily translate we survived one glass of wine to that means I'm free to drink whenever I want. Just reset the boundary with him without accusing him of intentionally being insensitive to your trigger.

I don't know your situation so just try on this approach, see if it fits. If not toss it. Sometimes knowing what isn't going to work is a start to figuring out your best approach.