How can it be such an easy decision for her that we stay together and so tough for me. I have had a few storm outs and come home, she has talked me out of storming out at least a few times, and I think of leaving every day at least once. She has never mentioned me leaving. Even the night I found the text messages she said we could find a way to stay together. When I stormed out she was texting and calling saying she was sorry within ten minutes.
Maybe it is her confidence that I am staying that confuses me. She is very afraid (at least at first) of the world finding out what she did. I think by now if she wanted her freedom she would have spoken up. What was she looking for and how do I feel safe by continuing in the marriage. I have resolved to stay but the thoughts of leaving still come at least once a day. I had been telling myself for months she had the affair to force an end to the marriage because she couldn't end it. Now if she wanted out I have given her several opportunities and she she doesn't take them. Not once in these six months has she even suggested me leaving or a trial separation or anything of that nature.
I wonder if she could not say no when he took the relationship sexual. My wife is very obliging to a fault but I can't see this as just being obliging. She did something for their second meeting that got me looking for this. I found out before a third encounter. I wonder if she needed me to stop her because she could not stop herself, so she got me looking?
I have tried asking her why several times and she says she doesn't know why she did it. She says she loves me and wants me to stay but my thoughts of leaving keep coming back. I admit they are less often now. Just realizing she has never even thought of my leaving helps but it causes new questions of why she did it. I thought I had it figured out she wanted me to leave but if I discard that reason I have no reason left, and she can't provide me with one. Have any of you been through this question? I guess that's not a good question, of course you have. Will I find confidence in my decisions?

Hi Bill,
There are many possible reasons & things to sift through as to the "why" of a spouse/SO cheating. Like me, you are probably running through dozens of details & scenarios in your mind, trying to find explanations, hidden agendas, etc. It's only natural to do so.

The real reasons why someone--ANYONE-- cheats can usually be distilled down to some common denominators, in my humble opinion. The 3 basic elements needed are selfishness, opportunity, and willingness. As you've read here, it had very little or nothing to do with you. This is hard to accept! I bashed my head in (figuratively) before I finally could accept this, thanks to the wisdom I have read here on HH. Even when the cheater says it was all because you did or did not do this or that, it's just not true. Problems arise in any marriage/relationship. How the person who betrays chooses to deal with them is entirely THEIR issue, not yours. Your W may have never considered the idea that you might leave if her A was found out; some people are never found out. And some people cheat even when there are no serious problems in the relationship.

Eventually your mind will (hopefully) settle out like the ripples in a pond, and your way will become more clear--your confidence in whatever decisions you make will grow. Time is the key element with that.
BB

My WH never had any intention of leaving me nor did he ever think for one minute that I would leave him. He was in lalaland...and wanted both...his fantasy and his family. He never thought he would be caught either. So he never thought about the consequences.

And I believe as do most on HH...it isnt about you. The WS had choices in dealing with their issues and cheating was a choice! No one can make someone else cheat. It was nothing you did or didnt do! Any good IC/MC will tell you that. However, I know how hard it is to wrap your head around that one. It took me some time.



~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

EDITED TO ADD: Obliging or not, there are lines you do not cross if you wish to protect your marriage.

I thought this article from "How to Break Free From the Affair" website might help you Bill: Please note that "wounded spouse" means BS (betrayed spouse).


Here are areas of knowledge, that once studied, generate tremendous relief and hope.

1. There are many types of affairs. My research came up with 7 types of affairs. (My Marriage Made Me Do It, I Can't Say No, I Don't Want to Say No, I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love, I Want to Get Back at Him/Her, I Need to Prove my Desirability and I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy.

Each affair is unique. Each type of affairs serves a different purpose of the cheating husband or cheating wife.

2. The motives for the different types of affairs are different. One may be motivated by compulsion, another by strong personal needs for excitement, another for revenge, another to maintain distance in all relationships another to project blame onto someone or something else.

3. These motives derive not from the marital relationship or the wounded spouse, but from the personal coping patterns of the cheating spouse. As well, these motives, patterns and characteristics were well set before the marital couple met. The cheating spouse, at some level, needed to "play out" these patterns. Of course, most, if not all of this acting out, or the motives for acting out, are well beyond the awareness of the cheating husband or cheating wife.

Once the wounded spouse learns of these patterns, the complexity of the affair and the hidden agenda and motives for the cheating spouse - and other person as well - a flood of relief flows. The more one can make distinctions in a situation, the more refined those distinctions become, the less power that situation has to control the feelings and behavior of a person.

Knowledge is power because it now gives options.


~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha