Hi Im new here. I hope I can join you all here.
________________________________________
So a few months back my DP of 3½ years is in a terrible midlife "crisis". He had cut of all contact with his parents and brother almost one year ago - they are really abusive and toxic. He is turning 40 and has always suffered from anxiety - health anxiety. He is sometimes afraid of specific diseases and he is in general afraid of getting older and eventually dying.

We have been talking about having a child and living together for a long time. He is afraid of having another child as he was quite anxious when his first son was born, afraid of all the common child diseases etc. He changed his mind about having a child and we started to fight more - I felt he had been lying to me because he was the one to want a baby for the first 2½ years and planted the idea in my mind so to speak.

And so he creates an online dating profile. He emails with 3-4 women but he doesn't want to meet up (because he doesn't want to break up with me). They write a few emails to each other non-flirting that is. That is "all" that happened. I don't think he has the emails. He deleted them but I absolutely believe him when he says they weren't flirting or planning to meet up. He was feeling awful at the time because of the situation with his parents, and other kinds of stress in his life. I think he was merely looking because it was too hard to deal with the situation he was in with me. He felt like I was blaming him all the time - which I was because he wasnt being very nice at the time due to his personal crisis - and he felt the need to create a distance by trying to make him self believe that he could move on with someone else.

I found out and broke up with him. After two weeks with no contact he contacts me and we decide to get back together and it's been really great these last two months. He has changed his mind about living together and having a baby and he is being very loving and doing everything he can to show me how much he wants us to stay together. We are living together half of the time and it feels great for everyone involved.

BUT then a week ago I started to feel really intense anger. I'm angry about the fact that he lied/didn't tell me. I'm angry that the naive and beautiful trust I always had in him has been broken. I don't want sex (it's affected by trust I think)- I normally want to DTD daily. I sometimes lash out at him and say something really mean or low. My self esteem has been badly affected. I feel ashamed thinking that I wasn't enough for him. I'm so God damn angry and I'm shocked that those feelings are so powerful. We have talked about it I've written him a long list of everything that saddens or angers me and we had a great talk.

I just don't know how to process the anger or sadness when it comes. I want to forgive him eventually but can I? Is it possible to have a good relationship and not forgive? I really don't doubt that I want to be with him.

I want to do counseling - starting with individual counseling but I feel really ashamed and embarrassed that it even happened. My self esteem has been crushed and I hate to admit that too.

During the last few days I have been feeling worse and worse. I need to ask you all how bad what he did to me is??? It's not that I doubt my right to these feelings but I'm so filled with rage and sorrow ("blaming" him and bringing it up several times a day by email, phone or texts on friday and saturday) I feel like I'm drowning. I really need to know if this degree of rage is "justified" and "normal"?

Oh yes. I feel so stupid and weak for "accepting his behavior". Probably even more so because I'm a psychologist myself. I feel like I should be wiser and have a better relationship. (All though I know it didn't have much to do with me at all). I guess that is another thing I feel ashamed of, that I did take him back, and it causes so much doubt which again is not exactly facilitating healing and rebuilding of the relationship. I feel like I go back and forth between feeling like he is a wonderful partner and that he is awful and I need to leave him. Of course it affects our interactions too.

We both do want it to work. What have been hard the last month is that we cycle up and down having a four or five wonderful days and then two or three really awful days. I think we both really want peace and love because we both had our sense of security broken. We have always been best friends and it makes the fear of loosing each other even worse.

He is taking responsibility for it and I do know it won't happen again. He is just as shocked by his own actions as I am. He has been great and very caring and I would love to pay back by letting my actions come from a place of love and trust in our future. It's just so hard whenever something triggers these feelings. And it actually feels like any other kind of trauma where memories get triggered by some kind of external or internal stimuli. It's hard because I feel like I have little to no control. So right now we are talking about how I can express anger and sorrow in acceptable ways. I have been too hard on him a couple of times and it does no good. I'd much rather be loving towards him and just deal with the negative stuff on my own.

Sorry that was long! Thank you if you made it so far!

Hi and just want to welcome you

What you experienced is absolutly hurtful and does affect you as you mentioned.

Can you get past it ... YES... as you wrote it sounds as if your partner is showing you that he is remorseful and working on your relationship.
His actions are what you need to look at.. he is working and showing you he is sorry..

The triggers will deminish with time.. and time is the healing element.. and as you begin to trust a bit again.. tell him when you are having a trigger.. let him hug you when you feel the pain.. as a child cries when hurt a hug does wonders.. same for you ..

Communication between both of you.. ask him the why and really listen to what his mind thought was when he set up the dating profile Please don't intrupt him or put a different spin on what he is saying... the possible A was all about him ... had nothing to do with you.. once you realize that it helps with the triggers and helps to heal.. healing, forgiveness all takes time..

sorry this is short but babysitting..

((((Hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."