I found this article from "How to break free from the affair" website very helpful and I wanted to share with some of the newer BS's (Bill and others):




Overcoming Infidelity: The affair is not your fault
The chances for infidelity healing and the possibilities for stopping the affair and overcoming infidelity are greatly enhanced once it sinks into your heart and soul that you are not at fault for the affair. You are not defective. You did not cause him/her to jump into the arms of another person. You are not to be blamed for the infidelity.

Overcoming Infidelity means coming to this awareness and strong belief that you are not at fault or to blame for his/her actions. This infidelity healing liberates you from the debilitating feelings and thoughts and sets you on a new course of action and healing. As well, the capacity for you to intervene in the life of the affair in a highly effective manner is magnified.

So, the question becomes, "How to you truly reach this point in overcoming infidelity?" Most, when confronted by the infidelity are grabbed, held and immobilized by this sense of defectiveness and personal responsibility for his/her actions.

Here are 4 ways of shifting your thinking that will acclereate the infidelity healing and bring relief from the sense of blame and fault.

1. O.K. Accept the fact that in your relationships you made mistakes. Yes, you did. Some of them were maybe fairly large. But, who in a relationship of investment doesn't make mistakes; some of them silly, some of them large? Could you have done something differently? Of course! We all could have. Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

"Mistakes" in a marriage are often fertile grounds for learning and growing. Did s/he use your mistakes as a springboard for learning and change? Did s/he come to you and say, "Hey, I don't like this. Things need to change. Let's work it out?"

And even if you made NO mistakes, how boring and predictable would that be? Yawn.....

2. come to the realization that the decision to enter into an affair is his/her personal decision. A rather poor decision, but his/her decision nonetheless.

You see, affairs have nothing to do with love (although you probably believe or s/he says s/he fell out of love with you and loves someone else) but more with three different factors.

Affairs may arise out of deep unmet personal needs (such as the affair type, "I Fell out of Love..and just love being in love.") One become attached to another seeking to fill that emptiness or deep chasm. (Little does s/he realize that another person cannot make me "complete" - sorry Tom Cruise.)

Someone may choose an affair as a result of a character disorder ("I Don't Want to Say NO').

Or, s/he chooses an affair as an attempt to deal with a dysfunction life-long coping pattern ("I Can't Say No").

Infidelity is a blind attempt to manage one's inner ghosts.

3. In conjunction with the realization of his/her personal ghosts is the relief you experience once you dig into learning about the characteristics of someone who would enter a specific kind of affair.

I outline 7 distinct types of affairs in my ebook, Break Free From the Affair. A person is likely to choose or act out a particular kind of affair depending on his/her personal characteristics. I list in detail the characteristics of a person likely to choose that type of affair.

I've received hundreds of emails from the wounded spouse exclaiming his/her relief once reading over the lists. Such comments as, "This is him/her to a "T." Wow! this is right on! Now, they have a handle, a different handle on what they are facing. It makes sense. There is a pattern. Their sense of personal chaos is diminished.

4. Another significant shift in the "fault" game occurs when you discover that the OP (other person) is not "better" than you.

You may realize someday that you truly or worthy and have value as a person, and you need not compare yourself to the other person. Or as you begin to understand the dynamics of infidelity you discover that health and saneness is on your side.

My theory (hatched in over 25 years of clinical practice, research and my conclusions about the nature of humanity) tells me that eventually those who benefit MOST from infidelity are the wounded spouses. Why? They typically become the ones who in their pain, confront themselves, learn, make shifts in their thinking and feelings and redesign themselves in ways that are more harmonious with whom they truly are.

The cheating spouse? Well, s/he misguidedly throws him/herself more and more into his/her personal neediness, character disorder or coping pattern dysfunction. His/her emotions, values and behavior goes down the tubes, although s/he at that moment of infidelity and attachment to the other person may deny so.

That's why the divorce and unhappiness stats for those who have an affair, divorce and marry another are exceedingly high. No learning, no personal evolution has emerged. At some point s/he may discover that s/he has taken him/her self with him/her... and that is the problem.

These shifts in your thinking are indispensable in getting on the path of health, well-being and as that happens welcome your new found personal power to shape your life, perhaps the path of the infidelity and perhaps the path and direction of your marriage or relationship.



~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

So does the author discuss continuing to live with the ws? I have been coping for over a year since the last phone contact, almost 2 years since the last face to face. I still feel like the person I married almost 23 years ago is now a person of poor character and suseptible of repeat actions. She saw a therapist for almost a year, but has stopped due to being all better, nothing to talk about because she is on the right track. Although she cannot deal with feelings and conversations with me all that well. But that goes on to other off-topic conversations.

So, how do I love this person who is remorsefull, but cheated?

Bud

Bud,

No matter what, learning to live with and love someone that cheated on you is no easy task. It is not something that just happens, but something that happens a little bit over much time. Mostly you dont see it happening until you can look back over a couple of years. Even at your point of being 1 year past the last contact you should see some improvement in your view of her even though things are far from good for you.

Remorseful is a very powerful word for the betrayed, it means more then the ws being sorry the affair happened and swearing with heart and soul it will never happen again. Remorseful means they are completely devastated by their actions and as blown over by what they have done as the BS is. They want to discover what about themselves could allow them to do such a thing, and they do not consider anything the BS may have done as justification anymore. A Remorseful WS knows that it isnt just about them anymore as it was during the affair. A Remorseful WS hurts to their core but needs more to help their BS heal and make amends for the damage they have done for as long as it takes. A Remorseful WS is willing to listen when ever the BS needs to discuss the affair and its aftermath no matter how much it will pain them to do so. They will work their darndest to answer any and all questions having anything remotely to do with the affair. They are completely willing to be an open book for the rest of their lives. Is this what you get from your wife?

Ami

Hi Ami,

I first wanted to say that I already felt better after finding some comfort in the original post by Cal, and by posting myself. Just getting things down and out are helpful. But, the post also left the question originally posted.

You ask hard questions. I have considered your questions and reread them. I say yes, I do get that support from my wife. Except, I'm not sure about "they do not consider anything the BS may have done as justification anymore". I had asked that many times, but I have not asked for a long time since the answer always was so disappointing. The answer today may surprise me, either way. I also don't know if "They are completely willing to be an open book for the rest of their lives." applies, but I think so.

I reviewed her cell activity the other day and found absolutely nothing concerning. All numbers and texts were good. I believe she is in a good place. I am the one in the way of my healing. I trusted her so fully, and was betrayed so awfully. I, for some reason, said for many years that if anything ever happened with me and my wife, that I would never trust again. Because she was one who could never do something like that, and if she did, anyone could. So, from my history of affair intolerance (in movies, acquaintances, friends, etc.), my set up of distrust, and the awful deed, I don't know if I will ever trust. What kind of life is that? We hear to love like we've never been hurt before. That may work, but is difficult to get to. I know that if I did, I would be more relaxed. And if this ever happened again, I would be done with my marriage. So, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Right?

Bud

Hi Bud,

I think you need the answers to both questions that are still left open for you, they are very important. There are never any justifications for an affair and a ws needs to accept this fully to heal themselves and their marriage. Plus the BS needs to let go of the idea that their actions, and I know there can be some bad action on the part of the BS, had anything to do with their spouses ability to commit infidelity. Once we let go of the control we think we had over our spouses fidelity we can learn to find power in ourselves and to let go of some of those insecurities. Also, the open book thing is a biggy. I think all committed partners should be an open book, when there is nothing to hide there is nothing to be defensive about. I am as open as my husband now is, I could not ask something of my husband I was not willing to give myself. It is a 2 way street.

I was and am as radically against infidelity as you have described. We all think that our spouse would never be the one, and yes we all have the potential in us to some degree. But I do not think that any one can cross those lines. Many people have strong boundaries and do not put themselves in positions for an affair to happen. The ability to let the lines blur and keep crossing them to the point that you are naked with someone you shouldnft be, takes an ability for self denial, and self destruction, to mention a few, that not all people have. I also think that our culture plays a huge roll in this, but that is going off in a whole other direction.

I found that the trust issue had more to do with myself and the way I trusted than with what my husband did or didn't do. That is not to say he didn't work his butt off to earn back the trust and that that wasn't needed, only that I had to trust myself again first before he could even crack the surface of me trusting him.

Bud, my H and I are over 7 years past the day I learned of his affair. We have love, we have intimacy, we have trust. The affair is now a past part of our marriage. We went through he11 to get here, but I can honestly say it was so worth the effort. I don't love like I have never been hurt; I love like I know I can be hurt again and survive. I have great pride in what I personally have accomplished with myself since infidelity crashed into my world. I could have been perfectly happy with out it, but since it did happen I am pleased to see that I and my husband had the ability to live through it and face it head on.

I guess you could say nothing ventured, nothing gained, but I saw it more as I deserved this chance to make it work if I was lucky enough to have a cheating man willing to face his dark side and change.

You are not the one holding the healing of your marriage back. You just aren't done healing yet and that is not out of the norm at all. Relax some of that pressure you are putting on yourself.

Ami