I know I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. I am trying to stay away from this site for a while. It's kind of like picking at a scab for me.
I see myself in the same boat as Bud. I told my wife the other night I am getting better but I am not getting well. I can't put it behind me. I know it has only been six months since d-day but my expectations were to be much better by now. I know there is an issue with setting expectations and then not having them met. My wife said I worked myself up when she went away with one of the kids for vacation and to some extent she is right.
I told her I was giving up and how do we tell the kids we are splitting up. I also told her the word that set me off was "selfish". I think it was from a reply sent out a couple of weeks ago. I said that described her and now it will be my time. She has always had the freedom to travel to sports (even to New York without me), extra vacations when I can't get more time from work. weekends with the girls (she has another one planned). I told her I would move out and retire next year. I was going to work several more years till age 56 but that is for the family not for me. As for my needs they are very few. All I need is a condo and they are cheap now. (she wants a yard for our retirement home but has never done a bit of yard work) I told her I would go to Florida and she thought full time and never see the kids. I meant for an extended vacation in winter after retirement and the condo would be here in the northeast. (see we still don't communicate well)
All I have to do is start taking care of number 1? Bud and I are both at 23 years. Is it a magic time for wives? I'm tired of having to run my life for everyone else. Yes I have obligations but she gave me a chance to be free of them and I think I want to take it. I told her "he" can put the kids through college.
I feel strange saying I need "me" time because this is the same thing she said and she ended up making "them" time. Part of me feels I "deserve" my freedom.
For now she talked me into giving it more time. She said I told her six month before but that was after d-day so she hasn't got her six months yet. We agreed to another six months so that will be October but I am not optimistic. I find I don't want to work at fixing this anymore. She is pretty much over it from the way she acts. She says she hurts every day but I don't see it. She says I can talk whenever I need to but it is like picking at her scabs and it doesn't go well.
Am I just waiting six months for the inevitable???
Sorry, I haven't been following your posts and I don't usually read much on here anymore. Most of the time it's just too painful for me. But I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and saw your post. You were so nice to me on the single side. I sent a post back but the darn power went out and I lost it. Then I just gave up.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I know how you feel, wanting to give up.
There is a part of me that wishes my H wanted to still try. When I fell apart a couple of weeks ago I actually asked him if we could try again. He said he would consider it but things had to change. The biggest thing was that I had to agree to let him have relationships with other women. I was just too closed minded. He figured it was asking too much for me to accept him sleeping with them but that he needed to have other relationships and they would probably become emotional and I would have to be able to accept that.
I still can't believe he's serious but he is. So he is off fulfilling his desires.
What bothered me about your post is that your wife is still taking off without you. How are you supposed to build the trust back like that? One month after the first Dday, my H had to go to Seattle on a business trip. Guess where OW lived? He took me with him. And then he avoided business trips if at all possible. He didn't go on very many but those business trips killed me.
At least if she is with your kids, hopefully she wouldn't be messing around. A girl's weekend though? How could she even consider that? I don't blame you for being upset. Did you ask her not to go on those? If she wants to get away, why aren't the two of you going together? Build the romance back up.
At least she still wants to try, Bill. My H walked out of the house whistling.
The affair is still a secret. The kids, our families, my co-workers, and our friends don't know. I think she would expect questions if she didn't go. I didn't ask her not to go. I was kind of hoping it would just fizzle out. One friend said she shouldn't afford it and another couldn't get the week off, so two of the eight aren't going.
One of my fears is the AIM messages I found discussed this trip and he said what if he just happened to show up at the same hotel. He also discussed sneaking into her room without her friends knowing. The trip is now moved to renting a private home and she will have share a room and maybe a bed with one of her girlfriends since grade school. He wouldn't fit and she is too worried about her friends finding out. It's not the trip that scares me but I want some "me" time.
Since I found the messages she seems to have stopped all conatect with him. I have access to cell phone records but have already removed the keystroke logger on the computer. She is remorsefull and sorry and I don't think there is any contact at all. She knows it would be the end, and she fears exposure, maybe more than staying together. Maybe not more than staying together because she does seem to try hard at times. It seems when life gets busy as it always does with four kids something has to be left behind and it still seems to be the us time. The kids are definelitly important but if we fail they will get even less time.
It was actually my response to you that got me thinking. You said you couldn't get over it. I think I was lying to myself about getting over it. I need to take my own advice. I still love her but I can't forgive her. At least not yet. Forgiveness is not automatic. Yes I have to try but divorce is a risk she accepted when she went to that hotel room. She is not "owed" a second chance and at times I do not want to give her one.
She has stopped all contact and he is two states away. She tells me she is sorry and wants me to stay. But I still cannot find forgiveness. Parts of me feel I must find a suitable punishment. I know that is not the answer. There is no suitable punishment and what if I agree to something and she complies. Am I compelled to forgive her even if I don't feel right about it?
This confusion is what drives me crazy. I'm used to having the ability and tools to fix things. I find myself frustrated and angry when I can't fix things. I have had this feeling fixing cars and stuff but it never lasts this long. When I can't fix something I step back for a day and start with a better attitude a day later and find success. It's not working and I am getting impatient and frustrated.
As for your comment your too closed minded for your husbands demands. Don't ever compromise your needs. I've never met you and know that is not an acceptable solution.
Bill, you are only 6 months into this. Of course you can't forgive her yet. It's too soon. The time element frustrated the heck out of me. I read everything I could get my hands on. The earliest you can heal from this is 2 years. I found that so hard to believe but it is so true.
I know, who wants to wait for 2 years? And reality is, it is usually a lot longer.
It sounds like she is remorseful. My H never really was. My C says he was sorry that he got caught, not for having the A. He never tried to fix himself. He always thought I was just too emotional and that I should have been able to handle it like his 1st W. But she confessed to her 1st A before she knew that he had already had 2. Weird relationship, but it was in the 70's. My C says H is stuck in the 70's.
But that's why I could never get past it, could never forgive him. He was never really sorry. I think now by this time, if he was really sincere about it, I probably could have forgiven him. But I have been fighting him all this time. And fighting myself. I guess I wanted it to work so badly that I wouldn't let myself see anything other than that he was trying. And he tried a lot. He was very good at going through the motions. I had access to everything. All the passwords (that's how I caught him both times), charge cards, I could go through his stuff, even his office, which I did and found a picture of her in his desk.
What I'm trying to say is, don't let my not being able to forgive affect your being able to forgive. The circumstances are way different.
Time heals. It really does. We just have to be patient.
What does your gut say? It sounds to me like you believe she is sincere. If that's true, she is worth waiting for. Don't give up yet. You have a lot of good reasons to hang in there longer.
I think 6 months is good. Ride out the storm a little longer. Keep talking. Make time to be together. Go on dates. If you need to talk about the A, talk about it. Get your questions answered so you can get on with your life.
Then in 6 months, re-evaluate. Take a look at where you are. Are you stronger, are you closer, do you still feel that she is trying to the best of her ability?
Maybe give it one month and re-evaluate. You are making progress. Aim for that 2 yr mark. Step by step if you have to.
Do you realize what 2 years sounds like? It's already a lot beter than it was six months ago but another 18 months of pain sounds terrible. She is remorseful but she seems to be trying to restore the old relationship. Maybe this seems like a good idea for her but it is no longer a safe place for me. I was hurt very badly in that place. I can't go back there. I know I said it once at MC but maybe I need to repeat it.
Even though she is trying I feel like it is me that is going through the motions. I wonder if my heart is in it any more. I know when I found out I seemed to want to save my marriage more than anything but I seem to have lost that. Today's depression may come from talking to another parent at soccer today. She has just recently found a relationship while going through a divorce caused by her husbands affair. She is finding happiness and mentioned another couple we know who are getting divorced due to affair. She has also found some one after her husbands affair. Is this where happiness is for me?? Some one new?
I know I need to give it more time but what scares me is I've lost my optimism. It's going to take both of us working hard to fix this and I don't know if I can do it anymore.
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that recovery is generally a slow process and that you'll go though low points where it will seem hopeless. In addition, the first months of recovery have a much more disproportionate amount of low time that it can be very discouraging. Your experience seems familiar to me.
I'd also say that your wife needs to learn what her priorities are. I agree that she needs to curtail the traveling. She doesn't need to give reasons for canceling these trips, but she can be somewhat honest. Would there really be a problem if she just told people she wanted to spend more time with you and her family?
I wonder if one of the reasons you are struggling is because the reasons for her staying in the marriage seem to be more to avoid loosing face in the community rather than her commitment to you and who you are. If that's true, I think you should explain that to her, and allow her the opportunity to clarify her reasons. At your point in recovery, actions meant much more than any words my wife could offer. I needed to see her sacrific in ways that would make it obvious that she wasn't working toward reconcilation for what she gained from it, except for the chance to continue living a loving life with me. I came to see that reconcilation was meaningless to me without that commitment from her.
What if you did get divorced? And then you didn't find someone new? Just because those two women are seeing someone else, doesn't mean that YOU will find someone right away. You could easily wind up waiting the 2 years and then you could have healed that much farther in your marriage.
And do you really think it will be that easy? Are you going to trust the new woman? Are you going to be suspicious of her all the time because you haven't healed from this yet?
I'm not trying to talk you into staying, just some things to think about.
I think Tom has a point. Is she staying in the M to save face? I think that is what my H did with the first Dday. But that does not mean that your W is. But I think you need to know.
I think she really is trying to save the marriage. I asked her about a month ago if she was staying because she feared being on her own. She is fifty with no job and we have four kids. Two are over 18 but one of the over 18 is special needs. She said she did at first but now she loves me and wants me to stay. As far as trying to save her image to the world I have my suspicions but can never be sure. It is a reason to stay so I can find out.
My problem is I'm starting to feel like the people on single healing. I don't "need" her anymore. Getting over it is making me stronger and I don't fear being alone or starting over. This is scary to me and may kill the marriage.
Terry: To a certain extent I trust my wife more than starting over. I think the words truly remorseful fit and she is doing everything she can to help me feel safe. She says I can ask questions whenever I need to. Yes it is like picking at her scabs but as I write this I realize she is willing to go through it. I have been reluctant to cause more pain for us by asking questions but it may be necessary pain for both of us. In case you didn't notice this paragraph is written a couple of hours later and I am fueling much better. I realize just writing it that all hope is not lost here. I need help/time to put it behind me. I realize I need to stay longer to reach a conclusion. We have MC meeting this week and I think I need to hear from him that I need more time. I'm not the type for a lot of patience. This will be part of my recovery. I feel I am becoming a better person by going through recovery. It will be better for the kids and us even if it doesn't work, but I am more optimistic than I was late last night. This has been a problem for me all along. I can't grasp and keep the improvement when it comes. I should look on the bright side and realize I don't grasp the depressing times either.
Well I am feeling better for now. Thank You and this site for being here.
Let's hope I can stay away from this site a little longer each time. It's kind of like the meetings I went to with B A N. I went to two they were depressing but while I was there I needed some one to talk to and they helped.
I think that you are taking care of YOU... and that is the important aspect of recovery..I don't need my H to be happy I can only do that for my self. I enjoy spending time with him.. we have fun together now.... time is important in the healing.. heal self then the relationship.. 6 months and I wanted H gone.. but MC/IC and hard work helped us..we still have MC session every so often .. called tune-ups..because we both slip backwards at times..in our communication levels..
My H had his A's while traveling.. so I worry when he travels.. so most times we go together now..he is making the effort to be there for me..his actions speak to his changes.. going on a golf trip with the guys wasn't in the picture 6 yrs ago.. he went last year..trusted him..
Coming here to Heling Hearts saved me .. helped me.. we all feel sorry for ourselves, once that stops that is the change needed to move ahead.. life experience.. and deal with the actions that hurt us so badly..the A wasn't about ME.. it wasn't about YOU..once I realized that I was able to help my self..
sorry this is short .. but have limited internet..
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
<<My problem is I'm starting to feel like the people on single healing. I don't "need" her anymore. Getting over it is making me stronger and I don't fear being alone or starting over. This is scary to me and may kill the marriage.>>>
This is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. I don't want to be in a marriage because I feel I need my spouse. That's where I've been. I'd rather be in a marriage because I want to. It's freeing.
I agree with Teri's comment in her last post... that your feeling of not needing her, while I understand how troubling and uncomfortable that is, you should know that it was always the truth. The succuss of your marriage never depended on how much you needed her, or how much she needed you, but rather, that you chose to partner with each other to build a family, a home, and future.
You always had complete choice of working on that partnership or abandoning it, as did she. Unfortunately, during the affair she made choices that were not toward working on it. However, that was then, and this is now, and if you can believe that she is in this for the long haul, and that her motives are not self-serving, then it might be for the best to continue working on it. On the other hand, if she is motived out of selfishness and she is not working from a committed heart, then I would agree that your efforts are not well invested.
