Well here is my story. My WH has had 4 EA that I am aware of. He continues to show little or no remorse. I have given up trying to make him understand what effect his EA have had one me as well as our marriage. The last EA we agreeded that he would not have his personal email account. This was in December. I recently found out that he has set up a new email account, his exscuse was it is for work only ( he says noone knows what an underscore is, therefore he needed something more simplier. May I also say he continues to get emails from work to our email address and none to his private account. He did relucantly give me his password, I suspect he has another email account. We have not attended any counseling yet. He thinks that if we just ignore the problem, it will somehow magically go away. He doesnt seem to understand severity of his actions because it was not physical affair. I also have found that he is viewing pornography online, he makes the excuse that someone at work used his computer. Our home is in Az, but he works as a FF in Cal. He has oppourtunity while at work. He is only home on the weekends. I just dont know if there is any hope for us, as he continues these behaviors. I continue to hold onto hope, but this past week it has been hard. I recently went to MD to visit my daughter, I asked him that he take me to the airport, instead he spent all day in Ca when he was suppose to be driving home, helping a friend move. This I do not beleive and when I tried to tell him my feelings were hurt, he started acting like a victim. We have not spoken for the past week. He has text me though. He feels as though as his wife I should of understood. It made me feels like I was not important to him, which opens up all the other pain. Its hard always living with suspicion. Iam really lost as what to do, he was suppose to be home today but sent me a text saying he had to work over and another text tonite that he will not be home tonight. I feel he lives two different lives. Im so lost as what to do.
Emotional affairs are a kind of emotional abuse. He does not acknowledge that he is abusive, and given that, he is also understandably unrepentant.
I believe he will only change his approach when he comes to understand that his behavior is abusive. I don't know how he will learn that. If a person is being abused, they should take steps to protect themselves from that abuse. How that is done depends on many things, so I don't presume to know exactly what steps you should take. However, if there are things that you can do to help him come to understand the seriousness of his actions, what affect they have on you, and how they will eventually affect his life as well, then you're probably on the right path to dealing with this.
Im so sorry that you had a need to come here, but you have found a great avenue of support. Please remember that your feelings deserve validation, you have every reason in the world to hurt.
EAs are hard. On one hand there is a sense of relief that there was no physical contact, but then at the same time it hurts terribly to know that the heart that was given to you is freely being given to others with out your knowledge. Often people with spouses that had a PA will say it was just sex and find comfort from that. I dont know, not sure it really matters in the end, you will still be betrayed no matter how you slice it and that hurts an emotionally physical hurt.
No one can tell you when it is time to give up on a relationship. That is a very personal choice. Still, set yourself a reasonable time table for how long you will put up with his behaviours, they are abusive to you, and at some point you become an enabler.
I suggest MC, with someone who is experienced with infidelity. This is very important. Often counselor just try to fix the marriage and ignore the problems that infidelity has brought. A BS needs validation for their pain and a good counselor should work towards them getting it. Interview them by phone before you bring your H.
Also look into Retrouvaille. This is a marriage encounter w/e for couples with troubled marriages. They will help you both to learn good communication skills.
You pretty much have the permission of the entire world to give up whenever you want when your husband is treating you so disrespectfully that it is considered to be abuse. And, most people are wondering why the heck you are tolerating so much bad treatment in your life. So, the reality is that you don't really need to ask anyone the question. Yet, we still ask it. You asked it, I asked it. I asked it of myself multiple times a day. Over and over and over.
I used to have a boss that had this spinny thing. It had options on it, like "Decide tomorrow", "Do it absolutely", "Don't do it". And, when we had a really hard decision and we were going in circles as to how to proceed, to break our thinking pattern we'd spin the dang thing until we liked the answer. You can do the same thing by writing multiple options on a piece of paper and throwing them in a box. Keep drawing them until one of the answers makes you feel like "Ok, that's what I'm going to do today". What it did for me is it just helped me tune into what my gut instincts were telling me rather than trying to logic my way through to the perfect answer. There isn't always a perfect answer. Sometimes we just need to take a non-perfect action or we just have to wait for more information.
Unfortunately, I didn't think of applying this to my own healing experience so I can't tell you if it was helpful in this extremely intense situation. What I started doing, and still do, and apply now to work situations that disturb me is give myself a window of time to make the decision. "I will put up with this level of pain and irritation for another 3 months and then I'll reassess and make the decision again. But, unless he has continued with the A, or starts a new one, I will not leave for this period of time." I also made a rule for myself that I would never make a decision to leave in a fit of rage, that I could only make that decision when I was calm and centered.
I'm sorry you are in this position and wish you the best. Remember that not making a decision is a decision. And, in this situation, there is no decision that will relieve your pain which is what your mind is so frantically trying to do. Leaving = loss = pain, Staying = present abuse = pain, Waiting = staying = pain, Separating = pain. This is a journey for you, for him, and for your relationship. Believe in yourself and trust yourself to make the right decision at the right time. And, know that you will learn a lot about yourself through all of this and it will make you a better, stronger person in the end.
Without knowing more about your specific situation, it is difficult to give more than general suggestions. And, as others have said, only you will know when, or if, it's time to call it quits.
I do have a couple of observations. You are entirely correct-- as are those who responded-- the fact that it may have "only" been an EA or multiple EAs is irrelevant. The pain is no less than had you confirmed a physical A.
That said, one thing that stood out is your statement that "We have not attended any counseling yet." I do not know if the "yet" means that you expect to do so in the near future. I hope so. And if you do go to a MC, I hope you find one who understands that an EA is just as devastating to the BS as an A that is physical.
But if you do not pursue MC with your H, I urge you to consider pursuing individual counseling (IC) for yourself. With the right counselor, you will likely gain help in understanding what is the best decision for you down the road.
Finally, if you haven't already done so, I very strongly urge you to get a copy of the "bible" for those affected by an EA-- the book "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. You will gain a lot of insight from this book and, if your H reads it, he, too should better understand the impact of his actions and hopefully see the harm that continuing his behavior will have on you and on your marriage.
