I just found this site last night. i have looked before for someone to talk to, with no luck. It has been one year, as I stated last night. After the shock, hurt, losing 25 pounds, crying, now I am really angry. There are still so many things I need to work out, but my H doesn't want to talk about anything. I pretend that I'm ok, but the anger is brewing inside of me, mostly because he pretty much blamed me for his needing another woman. He has admitted what he did was wrong.

I guess I'm just rambling.

Hi Michelle,

The anger is a normal part of the process. I felt that my anger was more of a rage that consumed me for more than 6 months, before it simmered down into just normal anger. Id say you have darn good reason to be angry. You have been treated very badly, and then your feelings on the matter have been completely invalidated by your husbands ridiculous conclusion that you drove him to the OW.

Its been more than 7 years for me, and I am for the most part healed. It is my opinion that in order to recover and feel comfortable in a marriage that has been devastated by infidelity, that a couple needs to talk the affair to death. I think it is also integral to the process that the BSs feelings be validated by the WS, and the WS own the affair as their terrible choice alone.

Many years ago my husband came to me and confessed a nasty cocaine habit. There is allot about drug addictions and affairs that are very similar. He was sorry, he quit using, but he never acknowledge the damage his problem caused me, our marriage, or our children. He was angry with me for not having more compassion for him, since he was the one that suffered in his mind, not me. He also blamed me for him needing the escape of the drug. At the time my children were young, we had just bought our first house, and he was the bread winner in the family. I was in no position to leave, and I didn't have it in me to tell my sons that Mommy and Daddy were getting divorced. So I stuffed my feelings about what my husband had done and believed I had moved on.

Unfortunately, feelings dont take kindly to being stuffed. They come out in all sorts of unpleasant ways. I became obsessed with being good, and doing everything right. I felt I had to over compensate for my husbands short comings and be a better role model for our kids. The resentment I felt for him, became harder and harder to stuff down, and our sex life suffered greatly. This made me feel horrible about myself which only made it worse. By the time my husband met the OW our marriage was in pretty sad shape. I learned the hard way that toughing it up and taking crap I shouldn't of doesn't help anyone, least of all me.

Ami

Michelle,

I've lived believing I was to blame for ALL my H's A's, ONS, because he told me I was to blame 24 + yrs ago first D-day...I bought into that.. alway believed that one partner caused the other to have an A.. stupid me! .. then it was almost 7 years ago that I found that my H was involved with OW .. yr long A.. very emotional.. they loved each other he wasn't going to give her up .. etc..I asked him to leave.. the tune changed, and so we began MC and individual counceling .. best thing we ever did.. the C told me that I was NOT to accept the blame.. for H's many A's... it was all his to own.. he made the decision.. I didn't give him permission.. our communication was not the best.. but that wasn't an excuse.. the issues were all my H's.. once I believed that .. and H took the responsibility.. and changed his behavior.. I was able to move on.. admitting that he was responsible is the beginning. We talked about the A's, why they happened.. what happened with his long term A.. talking and communicating .. listening and not criticizing helped get the facts out so I could heal..

The anger, rage you feel is so normal.. venting is healthy.. you have to get the poisons out of your system and talking about what you feel is the only way to heal.. keeping the hurt locked up inside of you leads to illness.. because the stress builds up leaving you weak,, and your body is not functioning as it should..pressure builds and you blow..( volcano idea) for you it can be stress related illnesses, dealing with your heart, stomach, ...

I lived pretending all was OK.. and it did affect my health.

Tell your H that you are still hurting.. seek MC and hopefully you can find an IC who will work with you and help you heal..

Please visit the site http://www.dearpeggy.com

there are some suggestions for MC's .. and recomendations for some. I found her site very helpful.. and I still check it out often.

Please come here and vent.. we all know what you are feeling..

(((hugs))))

Pat


"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."