My thoughts have been everywhere lately, so hopefully this will make sense to those of you who read it.
The year marker for DDay#1 is approaching. The second weekend in July I caught my FWH having an EA with a secretary in the office he works in. When he was first caught he said they were "just friends" he called her in front of me and told her they could no longer talk. OW was very complacent and agreed. I was actually convinced they were just friends. My H told me he hid it because he thought I would be jealous he had a friend that was female, this seemed odd to me and I was upset, but was so convinced that I started to feel bad I had chased his new friend away. ( We are new to town so making and meeting new friends was important) I even told him I would contact the OW and apologize and perhaps if she could explain her side, things would be fine. We could all be friends. Still, I asked him not to talk to her and vacillated between taking that back and keeping that rule in place until things between he and I felt better. He insisted I was more important and promised he would not talk to her, that giving her up was no big deal. However, the next week after telling me he promised he was no longer talking to her, his phone buzzed and and email alert appeared. I grabbed the phone and checked and low and behold, the email was from her. It was her email address, but she signed the email with some "pet" name. I was devastated. I actually let him convince me it was a mistake and she must have meant that email for someone else. He went to work and while he was there I started doing some spy work and found out he had a yahoo account. I broke in by changing the password and found a treasure trove of emails exchanged between them. I was so upset that I messaged him and told him I found them and was upset, so before I could read any of them really, he logged in and deleted them. This made me even more furious. Still, we have three kids and I did not want to divorce. He returned home right away and I told him that I wanted to witness a conversation between them. I asked him to go to HR and tell them he had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker. I wanted to know everything.
He said he would do all these things, but then later that night he changed his mind about HR. I know I sound nuts, but I waited all weekend on his Yahoo account to IM her pretending to be him, he was there too, but kept saying he was tired. When she did appear at midnight he laid there pretending to sleep.. when i would ask him to help out talking to her he would get irritated and angry..telling me I should log off and we could talk to her another night.
Of course, the conversation seemed off to her. So the next day she emailed him a list of questions with answers only he would know and until they were answered she would not talk to him online anymore. My H answered the questions, on Monday he said he would go to work and smooth things over, so I could witness the truth of their relationship. He returned home that night and told me she was avoiding him. This story went on all week until finally I just gave up asking if he talked to her. I decided she was gone from our lives and that was fine.
The weekend was nice. Things were edgy but my H was different than he had been. He would sit and talk with me but he would get irritated if I ever asked about OW. If I ever wanted to know more or have things explained.
Sunday he went to run some errands and left his phone. I started searching through it and found a bunch of pictures of her, some of her wedding pictures etc and videos he made of her, following her around the office. I was disgusted. He got home and I wanted to thrown the phone at him. I angrily asked him to log me into his work email and there I found out they were still talking. That the Monday she was supposedly avoiding him, he had in fact gone to work and told her that I was the one on IM talking to her. They exchanged emails insulting me and calling me nuts. He talked about how he and I were starting MC and OW said she hoped the MC put me on meds since I was nuts. She said she hoped the MC would put me in my place etc. Which of course made me realize my H was not just lying to me but to our MC whom we had started seeing the 2nd time I caught him.
My H suggested she write a letter to "him" knowing I would read it, pretending to swear off of him and essentially break up with him and make me feel like things were over.
I was furious beyond belief. We stayed up all night talking/ arguing and by morning I was determined to leave him. He asked me not but also said he would not ask me to stay because he knew he had really messed up.
Needless to say. I did not leave. We have been working on things since that day and while OW was out of our lives after that because we both wrote her a NC letter, I still had to discover he was lying still. There was talk between them like something physical had happened. My H insisted it had not. In one email she mentioned some pictures she sent him that she was worried I had scene when I found his yahoo account. He assured her that the pictures were safely hidden on his computer on some passworded drive and that he had deleted everything in the yahoo account before I had had a chance to read it. I repeatedly told him that I need the truth no matter how bad it was. I asked him to tell me what was so bad about the deleted pictures. He said it was of her in a bathrobe, I did not believe him. No one freaks out about bathrobe pictures. He said he deleted the pictures and the drive no longer existed.
I did stupid thing number two and broke into her yahoo account. I found more emails, replies to the ones he deleted and the pictures. They were of course of her in various lingerie posing in her bedroom.
I have nothing to go on. Even letting him tell me the truth or having MC tell him how the complete truth and openness does not get him to tell me. I had to discover it myself.
That was all a year ago almost. He is still at his job with OW. He keeps in constant contact with me though out the day so I don't worry. He knows I want him to get a new job away from OW, he looks but so far nothing. No matter what he tells me I can not get past the fact I still don't know whether he had a PA or just an really intense EA. It stops me at every turn. We spend more time together and I believe he is finally really remorseful.
I feel like I am the one keeping us apart. I cant let the possible PA thing go. I get so angry at the littlest reminder. Things I used to just accept in him I now get so annoyed and frustrated that I don't want to be around him. I don't feel like I know him. He tried telling me he loves me and I just say "yeah right" and not to be mean or throw it in his face. I honestly believe that he is back because he feels bad for what he did not because he wants to be.
I told him I can't get over that it has almost been a year and I don't feel the intensity that he felt for OW. How given the chance to come clean with me he lied, given the chance to come clean with her he confessed all. He has never pushed to win back my affection the way you would think someone in love and anxious to hold on to it would.
Now I feel like so much time is past all there is is anger , I dont believe he loves me and in turn I am losing love him him fast.
Our MC told me it might be that my prickly attitude is stopping him from feeling like his loving overtures have any effect and thus it discourages him. I do my best to show him I want to be loved,including when things were first over in August last year, writing him poems, love letters, making mix cds of songs special to us, cuddling with him, sex despite my fears he had a PA. All the while I would ask him why he never would return those feelings, why I would have to ask before I got a poem in return, why he managed to tell OW everyday how beautiful she was and I could not get the same treatment.
Here was are, nearly a year in , and I feel like it is all too little too late for me. First his repeated DDays made me believe he loved her more than he admitted. His lies make it hard for me to believe ANYTHING he says. My repeated begging for signs of affection have made it hard for me to accept the ones he does give as genuine. I have no trust, no love, no security. I thought these things would get better but they just seem like they are getting worse.
I have three kids who I am trying so hard for. I don't want to end this marriage, but I cant see how it can survive.
Go easier on yourself. I dont know anyone that wasnt still a mess only one year out. The first year is about survival and just trying to make it through the next minute. It is ok that you are still hurting and still mad. You have reason to be.
I am concerned about your therapist not being more educated in infidelity recovery. So I would suggest you educate yourself a bit. There are some excellent books out there on the subject. To the left of the page there are links, click on Helpful Links There you will find links to books, articles and other websites. I found that understanding as much as I could about infidelity empowered me and helped me to heal. It also helped me to see what I needed from my husband.
I will be honest with you, if I were you I would doubt my husbands sincerity about the affair not being physical. He hasnt given you reason to believe him, and the evidence would suggest otherwise. Trust yourself, believe what your gut is telling you even though it isnt what you want to hear. It isnt so much that a PA is worse than an EA though, they both cut you to the core, it is more about the continued lies. What a BS needs most is the truth, the whole truth, and for most of us the gory details. It hurts to get it, but it also cleans the wound and helps to build a foundation for which we can begin to rebuild our lives.
Im sorry you hurt. Coming here and writing will help you get it out. And we are all great listeners. I am 7 years from the day I learned of my Hs EA/PA. It was not a fun process, but I have found myself again and I am happy again. All in all, I would say it took me a good 3 years to feel healed.
Thank you Tinx - Your story has so much that I can resonate with - I have nothing to say other than I hear you and I know where you are with this.
I am getting towards 4 years after my d-day now and it still hurts and I still feel some of what you feel. There is something that keeps me holding on to the possibility of a marriage renewal - I am not really sure what and how this will go - I just do the next step each time, one foot in front of the other - and I am open to what may come along
I agree with what Ami wrote. Trust your common sense, what you know about relationships, and what you know about your husband. He has shown that he will not think twice of taking advantage of your trust in him to lie or deflect the truth.
I also agree that the therapist is putting too much responsibility on you for having a "prickly attitude". I don't see it that way, but rather, I see a person who has been seriously abused and who does not yet trust the abuser to not repeat that behavior. If your husband had broken your arm instead of your heart, he would have still just as severly broken your trust. If he broke your arm on more than one occasion and taken steps to evade the truth as he's done with your heart, would you still be accused of having a "prickly attitude"?
In my view, after the betrayal is discovered, the remorseful betrayer is being "tested" to see if they can be taken at their word. Part of that "test" is to see if they will confess willingly and without being "forced", without being caught by evidence. Another part is to see if they will take resonsibility for comforting the one they've hurt. Also, they should take steps to prevent any futher abusive acts (such as breaking all contact with the OP). These are all things they should do out of their awareness of the hurt they have caused and a heartfelt desire to make right that which they have damaged and broken.
If you husband is already doing this, then I encourage you to find ways to encourage him. However, it sounds as though he has some way to go to properly caring for you. In that case you should encourage him take more responsiblity for the damage he has caused. When he does, he will be the better man for it.
