Do I need some type of a spark to relight the flame. After 23 years of marriage we had drifted apart. Then my wife had the a. We are trying to heal together but I can't get over it. It has been 8 months. I want to stay but I cannot find my feelings for her again.
She is doing her part now so I think I am the problem. She immediately went to no contact and I believe she has had not contact since goodbye/don't call the day after d-day. She has bought lingerie and we have taken a few vacations without the kids. I and the marriage counselor feel she is trying to do things to keep me happy and keep from upsetting me. She finds this difficult because of my mood changes. I don't think I'm as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but we all know this roller coaster. I don't like it either but it's getting better.
The problem is the fire in our hearts is out. When I started recovery I was determined to make us like newlyweds again. I now have to be realistic. With four kids and work and a house that always needs something that id not realistic. We seem to have a tenseness between us. We are fine around other people but when we get together the tension shows. We go for walks of about 5 miles by the lake with our dog some days and things seem to be better then I wonder if that is because the family pressure goes away at the lake. Around the house there is always at least one child needing attention or phone calls or bills or laundry.
What has worked for other people. Is it too soon. I know the tension is justified but will it go away. We have another vacation planned in a couple of weeks. that one will be 5 days without the kids. As I type this I wonder if cutting back the complications could help. My wife had piles of laundry the last couple of days. Do the kids really need all these cloths. We have 5 computers which have made me the repairman. I need to clean out another computer and restore this week. Three cars means one always needs something. We seem to be at wits end with everything and that explains why my wife tried to find an escape. I was vulnerable too but she did it.
I have determined getting days together is very difficult more than every few months. We have to make due with a couple of hours together. This will be more difficult when school gets out.
I do have to be care full of her being selfish. It was a couple of months ago in one of these posts where some one mentioned the WS being selfish and I have fixated on it. On Mothers Day she got cards and flowers but I did not shop for gifts. For Father's day i got the usual two outfits and cards. The difference was she gave me a negligee Saturday night before Father's day. YES it was appreciated but Sunday she mentioned twice that she didn't get anything for Mother's day. At the time I was in depression and anger and didn't feel like rewarding her with gifts. She will remember this for some time.
As Hope said to Wide Awake we need to learn to fight as part of recovery. We can't be afraid to turn to each other even if it means a battle. Battles are a necessary part of a relationship as is making up. I don't want them often but we can't turn to some one else for comfort.
Is this a normal recovery (if there is one). Why can't I get my head into the recovery. After reading at this site for several months I realize this is a common problem. I want to stay.

Bill I know this is hard. I have been where you are. Go easier on yourself, don't take it all on your shoulders. 8 months is very new yet, as much as I know you hate hearing me say that. I remember fighting like heck to hold on for dear life to any loving feelings I had for my husband. Hold on to the love and hold tight, and give yourself and your relationship time to hurt, grieve and then begin the process of healing. The first year is simply about surviving. That is not just an expression it is the unvarnished truth.

Ami

3.5 years out from d-day my learning is that the early passion of falling in love is an illusion of nature played on our hearts and minds - all hormones and designed to help us get together.  Of course there is nothing wrong with this but the real basis of relationship is not about falling at all, it is more about standing up.  The truth about life is that it is full of things that cause us  pain and suffering - the question in relationship for me is whether my spouse helps me reach a more spiritual place where I can live to learn the wisdom from the suffering - the wisdom that brings patience, acceptance and self-less caring for others.

So, my advice to you and to myself is to not expect it to be easy and full of the madness of early passion - but to seek something deeper.  I also do not expect my wife to do this for me but know that my own happiness comes from sorting this out from within myself - I cannot make her anything different - I cannot change what has happened - I cannot change the world - But I can try to change my habitual reactions - I can be more aware of my responses - I can find a deeper and more spiritual love - I can find a place in which even infidelity is seen as something that I can learn from - learn to know that a bigger love is possible.

I know that this journey is not easy.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Bill,

Like you I have not been posting long. I am one year out from Dday #1 on July 10th. I can not offer any good advice, but like you I am having a hard time finding love for my FWH. The crazy thing is I want so badly to be in love to feel that rush and security. To feel special and wanted. My H and I have been struggling with this. It's like a cycle that has us spiraling down instead of up.
I know this sounds cheesy, but I remember from my youth watching Dawson's Creek. One of the characters told Dawson, that forgiveness is something you have to do everyday. That is all I have to go on at this point. No matter what good advice you get, no matter how supported or unsupported you feel. If you choose to stay, you just have to recommit each and every day to finding that love, if it means just laying back a bit and waiting for it to come to you.
It's hard to do and I frequently fall off that wagon. I worry sometimes that my H killed that part of me that loved him. He told me one night recently, that he would never desert me and I know he desperately wanted that to be some wonderfully romantic moment, but all I could do was think and what I ultimately said to him was " You already did."

I often wonder if we seem as crazy to our spouses as we do to ourselves. He knows I want to be loved because I have told him, but he also knows that one out of every five things he may do to show me love just slides off me.

I don't know how to feel better really a most of the time I know the only reason I stay is because I can't bear the thought of divorce and the effect it will have on my three young children. So all I have is my selfless desire to keep a stable home for them, even if it means only being a friend my husband, not his best friend or his lover.
But I hope... and I think hope is all we BS have, in the end... and when that is gone, well... you know it's over.