It's been two years since Dday and if you read my post in deeper healing from February 16th, I could barely think about walking on a pier of any sort. Well, I did it a few weeks ago. I walked on that Darned Pier. I walked into the restaurant where they ate and looked over the place where I spent years of my life competing. They looked over MY beach. They walked on that pier and looked over the end which is where I practiced my sport. And we hugged the pier on foggy days so we wouldn't get lost. And, I walked that pier and I made those views mine again. And with each step, I regained ownership and with each step I rebuilt the wonderful days and experiences I had around that pier that I allowed to be destroyed by one simple act of betrayal. I let all that shxt sit on my beach for far too long. And, now I've cleaned it up and tossed it out. And, I own that pier again. It's mine again. Finally.

To top it off I toured the hotel that they stayed in and saw three of the different styled rooms available to clients. It crushed me to see the elegance. The last time I had been to that hotel I put my parents up and it was before the remodel. It was nice, but not this nice. And, it hurt. It hurt to see the nice tub. He told me that he never shared a bath with her. He must have been lying, I thought, there is no way he would pass up getting in this tub. Not a chance. When I asked him about it after I got home, he said he really didn't take a bath with her. He has no reason to lie now, so probably he didn't do it. Or he didn't remember doing it because it was no big deal to him at the time. Because really he proved already that NOTHING was sacred! I mean, really, who cares if he took a bath with her, for gods sake he slept with her! He slept with her on the night our dog died leaving me at home to grieve alone! And, I'm worried about whether or not he took a bath with her?! So anyways, I'm over the hotel, I'm over the bathtub thing. That's also why I stopped asking for details because really, leaving me alone to be with her when our beloved dog died was just a defining line for me. Really, there could be nothing worse than that. That was so bad to me that in perspective nothing else even mattered. It just showed me how TOTALLY out of it he really was.

I digress. I put this post on Healing, though it probably fits better on open or deeper, because I wanted you, who have just started on this journey, to know that it might take a while, but whatever your worst trigger is, you can conquer it. I really did not believe that I ever could, or possibly ever would be able to really, really face that darned pier and absorb it. I was just about ready to accept moving away, staying away, and not doing it as the healthiest option for me. But, I did do it and you deserve to know that given whatever time you need, you will be able to do it to. It would have been a disaster if I had tried to do it any earlier than I did it. I had some other work I had to do before I could face this particular demon. So, my advice would be to do it when you are ready...or mostly ready anyway.

Well done, and well said.

thank you - your posting really lifted me

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Good for you - what a tough walk out the end and back. Was it somewhat peaceful or was your head just spinning?

My H's affair did not rob me of any of 'my' places (and I am forever thankful she never crossed the threshold of our home) I did eventually go to 'their' places and sit, look around, touch the walls, gaze at the views and came to accept it wasn't about those places... they'd have met and flirted and talked and dated at any diner, coffee house, pizza place, office parking lot...

It was nice for me when those 'places' lost the "IN THERE" anger they invoked - but it took me a good year or so before I could think clearly enough to process the idea that it wasn't 'this place' or 'that coffee shop' and that he'd have followed her back under any rock.

-Susan

That's the best way I can explain it. Zombie-ish. I think I walked there with all shields up. Determined not to have a break down. You see, I thought I was going to have to drive down the long road of hotels to the town where he dallied most, its about a two hour drive and I generally cry the whole way...or sleep if that is at all possible. This time however I would be driving it alone to visit a friend who's mother was in the final stages of passing away. You know this whole A business just wasn't going to stop me from providing a shoulder to cry on for my friend. So, ready or not, I had to take the first step of walking the pier. I knew if I could do that I had some hope of making the drive and staying for an extended period of time within minutes of where he went.

I know logically that it could have been anywhere, but emotionally the places were still huge triggers and major offenses. In a way, the location was as close to my heart or even closer than our own bed because the general location was a place I spent many hours for 13 years of my life. So the place is very symbolic to me, though it was a meaningless location to him.

So it was shields up but eyes wide open. Watching couples in front of me holding hands and experiencing the walk as he must have with the OW. While I walked behind them just looking and then reclaiming my space. Repeating over and over, its just wood and nails and water. It's just a place. When I was done, I was numb. I've been melting ever since. In a way, I was struggling with being stuck somewhere in the recovery process and this experience knocked something loose and put me into high gear again. I'm processing, going to therapy again, making decisions, shifting my focus, reframing issues into something that makes sense again.

I took pictures of the views and the pier so I can look at it again when the mood strikes me. I've scanned for other pictures on my camera and seen them and its just a pier.

I didn't have to do the drive as my friend's mom passed before I could get down there. I'm sure I'll be doing it within a couple of months. Thanks stillkickin. It was your coaching on the Feb 16th post that stuck in my head, gave me courage, and helped me get to the end of the pier. I'm glad you wrote here, you are part of the healing cycle. Thank you and others for your support.

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-TomJ