Hello,

I found this site a few months ago and finally signed up to post. I am not sure if I am even in the right Board as the most recent D day way just over a month ago but the big d day was over 2 years ago. Needless to say its been hell. I have taken lots of comfort reading other BS reactions and feelings as mine have all been similar. Especially going from wanting more than anything else to stay together to wanting to run like the wind. Here is the whole situation:
My H and I have been married for 17 years and have 2 kids. Lots of the usual stresses including renovating a house and his business going south. Looking back he had lost total direction in life. An opportunity to join our daycare board opened up and he took it. I thought it would make him more involved with our kids. Well the whole other members and the supervisor of our centre are women and I knew they frequently socialized. Fool as I was I also knew that the supervisor was in a horrible common law marriage. Well I found the emails stating that he loved her and realized he was meant to be with her. I left for the weekend(which was already pre-planned) and when I returned he stated that he wanted to work things out. However, over the course of the past two years with very little MC or IC for him he kept going from wanting to stay to saying our marriage had run its course. All the while I felt trapped that he was holding all the cards. The OW was the best friend he kept turning to and ofcourse her advice was for him to be happy. Well finally this past feb we started MC and the C diagnosed sever depression and advise 6 weeks of meds before we acted on anything. Then come home from a business trip in May and see the OW had actually called my home (THE GULL of some people-supposedly an chance encounter where she disclosed the death of a loved one- so Mr. white horse had to continue conversation via phone). So ultimatum time happened and back to MC again-Kids now out of Daycare and switched schools to avoid all contact.
SO here I am-honestly I am almost afraid to snoop-then I feel I have to finally pull the plug. He is reassuring but as most WH wants to put everything behind us. I have printed Josephs letter and am going to suggest retrovaille. But overall am just feeling really tired and afraid. Love him and still see the man I married-Just dont know if there is any hope and if I have to keep pushing -is it worth it??
Thanks to all for listening!
JJ

Chance encounter? There's no such thing when it comes to OW's there's no "chance" involved. No contact is NO contact.

You will push as long and as hard as you need to push and he'll get back on track or he won't. And, you will stay as long as you need to stay. What usually helped me was to have some milestone where I had to wait to make the decision. For you it might be the 6 weeks on anti-depressants. No decisions until after that. Then pick a new one. It's been two years and I still give myself permission to leave, but I also have an reason to stay. Until the money is sorted out, until I have a new job, until we move out of state. I've never wanted to be in a relationship where I had constant permission to leave but that seems to be what it is right now and I stay. I still get mad from time to time and just want to walk. But, I know walking out or making a decision when I'm mad is not a good time to be making a decision. I committed to myself that if I walked out it would be because I made a well thought out, calm, logical, unemotional decision to leave and I would not leave under any other circumstance than that.

Is it worth it? For me it has been and I expect it will be. This is my second marriage and I have realized that even with this issue, I can say I am in a better place, more true to myself, and enjoy my relationship more in this marriage than what I had in the first. As much as I hate the bad places that the A brought both of us, I also know it forced some issue to the forefront that might not have been handled otherwise, especially my own personal issues.

It's been two years. If she called right now and he spent more than the 1 second it would take to identify her voice and hang up on her, it would be like another dday. In fact, this happened in a different way about 6 months ago and I decided to trust him. He had done enough work that despite the overwhelming evidence that there was an issue, I went with my gut and believed him. Foolish, maybe. But, I ignored my gut before when I knew there was a problem. I am more clear on my intuition vs my state of denial now than I have ever been. So, I went with my gut.

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-TomJ