Why am I having fantasies now. It is bad enough having lived through hers but now I am fantasizing. I know there is no beautiful rich supermodel out there waiting for me to move on. But part of me wants to end this like it will be happily ever after.
I know there is no fairy tale ending to this, just a different reality with a different set of problems. It is getting better as I keep telling myself there is no fantasy. For a couple of weeks at least I have been fantasizing about leaving and living happily ever after.
Is this a stage in the healing process? Have others gone through this?
Yes, I think it is a phase. We want to escape to someone who wants US and desires US. Our egos are beaten down and we feel unwanted and unloved. But do your best to resist because it won't be helpful. Realize that the affair had nothing to do with YOU.
I went through something like that. Ironically I did not seriously consider leaving early on. But the idea started to seem appealing later on, when the work of reconciliation started getting real painful for both of us. (I knew that I wasnt interested in a revenge affair. I could see the guilt and misery my wife was feeling and didnt want any part of that. Nor did I want to let her off the hook in any way by sinking to her level.)
In addition to representing escape from the pain and hard work of reconciliation, I believe on some level my fantasies were about seeking retribution.
We all know that we would be justified to walk out on the betrayer. And that sometimes feels like the only way for the betrayer to fully understand the depth of our pain and anger. If you are having these fantasies it may be that on some level you feel your WS does not yet know how wrong her actions were, or how badly they hurt you. I found it necessary to go back and do some more venting to my wife in order to calm those fantasies (and to ease my primal fears that she might betray me again in the future). I did not mention the thoughts of leaving, both because they were not real plans and because it would only serve to panic her and prolong our recovery. Nevertheless, it was very hard on my wife to regress back to the recrimination phase.
I believe that once again (more calmly this time) expressing my hurt and anger to my wife helped me move past the fantasies. Apparently I needed to see more tears in order to be sure she really understood how wrong her actions were. I am not proud of that. But I am not ashamed of it either.
It happens from time to time. We have been apart for a couple of weeks and its happening to me. But as Wounded says, when I talk to him it goes away. When I see him again, I'll be fine. I did get distracted a few months after the cell phone bills and credit card bills showed me the detail of his A activity and how different it was from what he had lead me to believe. I really just needed the emotional attachment and understanding from someone because it was very difficult to turn to my husband who I didn't trust and who had hurt me so deeply. Now and even through the first year, when those thoughts of escape occur I realize that my own insecurities and issues that this whole thing brought to surface will just follow me. My lack of trust will be transferred from him to anyone I would end up dating. So leaving doesn't give me a fairy tale ending. Just like you said "a new set of problems". The possibility of a fairy tale marriage is completely lost on me forever. That's ok. This is more real and forces me to live in the present.
As I look back I think it is my EGO that is stopping me. I think I desperately need for her to try to rebuild my Ego. I am trying but I need some help. I told her so a couple of nights ago. I can't forget the e-mails of her telling him how great he was. I need some of that. I even told her if I don't get if from her I will have to start searching for it. I know this is a two way street and I work on complimenting her every day. I feel that is part of what she was looking for.
I wonder if the EGO part is a stage. I remember shock, anger and failure. Is this the next stage. Will it pass? Where does forgiveness hide? I think this could be an obstacle to saving our marriage. I keep telling myself if I don't find happiness here I will leave and search elsewhere. I won't start a search while married, but I will separate legally. It is such a strong issue with me I told her I would skip the family vacation next week. We cried in each others arms again ( we hadn't done that for a while) and now I am going but I can't put this behind me.
I told her I would decide at one year and I still have 3 months to go. I feel it is important to air my issues now so we have time to work on them. It wouldn't be right to announce I am leaving at the one year mark having not told her why. At times I feel I won't be ready to make a decision at one year.
There are times I feel this is not working for me. Any ideas that can help?
I think every BS takes a severe beating in both ego and happiness departments. But I don't think a FWS can really repair that. Sure, it helps if the spouse expresses copious remorse and affection during reconciliation. But ultimately it is the BS who must repair the internal damage, partly by truly accepting (not just giving lip service to the idea) that it was a malfunction in the WS that drove the affair, not flaws in the BS.
It may be that your wife, like mine, has difficulty expressing affection verbally. If so, she may be more comfortable communicating her feelings in writing, or through small gestures in everyday life. You just have to be alert to those gestures, however subtle, and recognize them for what they are. Also, recognize that her decision to stay with you and do the hard work of reconciliation is an indication that she sees something in you worth staying and fighting for.
I should also mention that many wandering spouses seem to stray in a vain attempt to seek validation or happiness from others when they decide they cannot find it at home. But that approach is like seeking happiness or ego gratification in a bottle. It doesn't work. In fact, both self respect and happiness usually take a beating when people look outside themselves for validation and happiness, especially if they compromise their principles in the process.
Ultimately I think you will find out what your wife must also be learning by now, that happiness is not waiting for you out there in some other person. It is a potential that already exists in you, and in your current relationship.
This is an idea. Rather than make a year the time where you decide to stay or go, just make it the time where you decide if you are going to stay another year. Its like if your leg was crushed instead of your heart and you said, well if I cant walk after a year then Im just going to stop trying.
I was able to do this because my husband was remorseful and transparent. He followed most of my instructions, but sometimes he didn't do it right away - like going to counseling. Yah, I wanted to be walking after 3 months too, but that wasn't realistic, neither was 6 months, and I'm finding that while I've become highly functional again at 2 years, I am still suffering in some areas. Some days are harder than others.
I hope you can look back to Dday and see enough progression to have faith that there will be enough or more progress in the future that staying is the best way to go. Because from your earlier posts, one of the messages I see is "I want to stay". So, I want that for you to.
This is about the 'work' your WW must do to help YOU and the M to heal.
Her A sent you certain 'messages.'
Part of her 'work' is to UNDO these messages.
Messages of the A:
*you are not good enough
*you are not special
*we have nothing special together
*I do not want you
*you are not desireable
*you are disposable
*I prefer OM
*OM was/is 'it' for me
*etc, etc
This is the 'short list.' There are SO MANY obvious and subtle messages which your WW must work to undo, or you will NEVER believe that she is staying becasue of YOU...and not because OM is no longer an option, to save face for herself, to see the kids everyday, to avoid financial struggles, or because staying just makes HER life easier.
You will believe that the feelings she expressed in e-mail to OM continue to be TRUE, unless she convinces you otherwise.
She needs to consistantly show you in words and actions that YOU are who she wants, YOU are her only love, YOU are wonderful and special, YOU are irreplacable, etc, etc.
You need genuine consistant affirmation and assurance from her.
And, this has NOTHING to do with ego.
You cannot reconcile with your WW as long as you feel 2nd best, 2nd choice, not good enough, etc. It will bother you...eat away at you...and it hurts like hell.
Please explain this to your WW to help her 'get it.'
She may, in fact, feel MORE for you than she ever felt for OM.
But, if she does not find the words/actions to convey this to you, you will be left to believe OM is still secretly the one.
She CAN do this.
She has demonstrated through her ability to give it to OM, that she CAN do this.
She is capable.
And, she needs to do it.
She needs to give at least equal or more to YOU, than she did to OM.
It's the only way you will be convinced that your WW has truely, genuinely returned to you.
