Neither my daughters nor my friends know about the pictures my husband took of his lover. It is "too much information" for my girls and I will never tell them, and I am ashamed for anyone else to know that I could be with a man who could do such awful things over such a long period of time. My therapist knows.
Dear Cathy,
As I sit here reading your post my eyes fill with tears. I know your heart only too well... we all do.
Welcome to our safe place of healing. You write " I am ashamed for anyone else to know that I could be with a man who could do such awful things over such a long period " I wish I had a penny for each of the times I have written or read those words!
That is why this is such a wonderful place. As you say your friends have a kind agenda. So do we. Our agenda is to share our pain with others who understand and to help one another find healing.
Ten years the love of my life finally admitted to basically a life long betryal. We were married four years when he first committed adultery. I suspected . He was on a 6 week business trip. On his last night he called and left a message " no matter what happens I will always love you". Of course I couldn't reach his hotel room and worried all night about what that cryptic message meant. I found out the truth 20 years later just before our 30th wedding anniversary.
He, my mother, my best friend all convinced me I was over reacting. Well over the years he learned what he could get away with all in the name of " just for sex". I was SOOOOO in love with him, I too never had a clue. He was a decent honorable loving man...
Well I finally figured it out. He confessed to it all on d day including that first business trip. There were four affairs. One lasted 7 years. Where was I??? Working, raising our children and being the best wife I could be to him.
You know all the feelings I had so I won't go into that.
What I do want to say however, is today we are together and very much in love. My H has been incredibly remorseful and has fought for our marraige harder than anything he has ever done in his life.
Your husband needs a therapist to help him understand how he could break not one but two sacred oaths. The WHY of it all must be understood.
Cathy dear, there are three kinds of healings here. The first is the most important. It is your healing, then there is his healing, followed by the healing of the marraige. You are only responsible for your healing. The first year of healing is hell. You must use all your energy to take care of you. Your husband must not only carry his burdens but yours as well. You are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Healing will take time and lots of hard work. Please read dearpeggy.com and also Dr. Shirley Glass' interview on her website, as well as all of their wonderful writings. I have read everything I could get my hands on, but these two brilliant and loving woman gave me the greatest healing.
There is so much to write, and much for you to learn. Most of all know NONE of this was your fault. It was your husband's beyond stupid choice that has hurt you to the core of your being. It IS your responsibility to do the healing work so that you can understand the roller coaster from hell that you are on. Your emotions will swing widely. Then one day you will find the valleys are not so deep, and you will learn that when you are down you will come back up, even if only for a minute, then five,and then you will have good days. Eventually you will NOT think about this the moment your eyes open, and all through every dream. In time you will learn that writing here is very healing because we all know just what you are feeling and that is why we old timers come back to lend a helping hand and loving hug. To share your burden and tell you we too thought we would never survive. Some of us with and some without our mates, but all of us are better stronger and wiser than we ever thought possible. Loving and healing happen in time.It just takes lots of reading, writing and talking. We are open 27 /7 and we never tire of hearing your pain because we are so grateful that someone was always here for us when we needed a friend. I have made life long friends here, and I will always be grateful. I thought I would never be a whole person again. Today I write to tell you I remember your pain but I no longer live it. Instead I am truly a wiser woman who still loves but no longer blindly. I have learned to trust my instincts rather than what someone else tells me. I have learned to believe in me again. In time you will feel safe and loved once again, because you will learn to trust your feelings and always believe in you.
Your reply was full of wisdom and compassion. I have printed out posts from this site for my H to read on occasion and some have been yours. My H and I are reading S. Glass's book off and on and talking some things through. I also have Peggy Vaughan's book but have not read it yet. Thanks again for keeping me company on a tough day.
Once again, EL nails it. Please listen to her. She has helped me -- and I'm sure many others -- over the last few years. This site saved my sanity. I hope it will do the same for you, Cathy.
