Well, it has been a little over a week since I found out about the OM. I knew there was something different about my wife the last couple of months, but I just could not put my finger on it. Since my discovery I have been a mental wreck. We have been married for 23 years and I have treated her like a princess since day 1. I open doors for her, hold her hand, leave notes in her purse or car telling her how beautiful she is, take her out dancing, and do most of the laundry and cleaning because I don't want her to have to worry about that stuff. In short, I just love taking care of her. After finding out, I asked her if she thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence. Her reply was that the grass would never be greener, but would be different. I have no way of knowing what the hell that is suppose to mean. I have know way of figuring out what she is looking for. I have been operating in a fog since that day. My self esteem is shattered. I am searching to find out what is so inadequate about me. I have never said a hurtful word to her, I have always been there for her and her family no matter what, I have done whatever it takes for our family to live the life we have. Everything I have done since we met has been for her and the family. Hell, I don't even go shopping because I think of things her and the kids could have with that money. The funny thing is, is that I knew something was wrong and I couldn't get her to talk about it. When she finally told me, I could see how scared and nervous she was. I didn't yell or scream or even cry. I felt so bad for her because I could see how difficult it was for her. I saw it in her eyes and immediately started to try and make her feel better while at the same time my insides were being ripped out. I know who my wife is on the inside and the person that betrayed me was not her. I am not sure if that was denial or what. I am a shell of who I was a week or so ago. I know what I want....my wife and family. I love my wife with all my heart and reading the posts give me a great amount of encouragement. My wife is an amazing, beautiful, sexy, caring woman who has lost her way. Everybody makes mistakes and I hope that she won't make the same mistake again because I would have no choice but to leave. I could not take the torture that I am going through now again. I can not eat, sleep, or even focus. We have endured so much together. The loss of our 13 year old daughter (Ashley), her brother (way too young), both her parents. We have always been the couple everyone came to. Other couples wished they had what we have. We have been married for 23 years and until this we only had three arguments. We have stuck by each others side through thick and thin until this. I just can't get my mind around it. I am rambling. This is my first time really thinking about the whole thing and I guess I just don't know what the hell went wrong. I will end for now and wait until I am a little more composed before I try it again. Sorry to waste your time.
Very Respectfully,
Bill
This message has been edited by wdwyer112 on Jul 16, 2009 9:08 PM This message has been edited by wdwyer112 on Jul 16, 2009 9:03 PM This message has been edited by wdwyer112 on Jul 16, 2009 8:03 PM
You wasted nobodys time. Your in shock, that is to be expected, you need not apologize for anything. Take it slow, very slow. Be kind to yourself.
I can remember that first week like it was yesterday and it was over 7 years ago. It is a life altering event, but one that you can recover from. Please try to wrap your mind around the idea that this had nothing to do with you. You could have been the best or worst husband in the world and she still would have done this. People cheat because of something missing in themselves not their marriage or their spouse.
You probably are in a bit of denial, that is normal, so dont get down on yourself about it. What you are experiencing is similar to what people go through when they grieve the death of a loved one. I will bump up a post on the stages of grief for you.
Take your time, post again when you are ready. We will read and listen. We all know what you are going through, you are not alone.
Have been trying to wean myself from thinking so much about this stuff but saw your story, felt your pain, and felt compelled to respond. You definitely came to the right place. Wish I could have found this forum so soon after my own D-Day. That first week or two was hell.
Our stories are very similar. Married 25+ years. Four kids, one with cancer and another with autism. We faced lots of challenges over the years but always as a team and every challenge made us closer. I always considered my wife an angel incapable of infidelity. Our relationship was (or seemed to be) the envy of all who knew us (apparently including the OM). If you are curious about details you can click on my username and view more background.
I am certainly in no position to know why you wife did what she did. But it certainly was not because of some failing in you, as Ami pointed out. Others will tell you the same thing. But you may find it difficult to believe intellectually, and even more difficult to fully accept emotionally. Nevertheless, it is true. Your wife did what she did because of her own flaws and weaknesses, not because of any failing on your part. Even if she attempts to explain her actions as the result of something you did, something you didn't do, or something missing from the relationship, none of that is justification for what she did. If you are lucky, she will understand that and admit it early on, as my wife did. But even if she is slow to emerge from the fog and accept responsibility for her actions, the truth remains that she should have worked with you to fix the issues she perceived rather than betraying you.
Our D-Day was about eight months ago. So we still have a long time to go before we are healed to the point that life feels normal again. But I can tell you that things are much better than they were the first couple of weeks, and far far better than they were when I hit my second low point 2 or 3 months after d-day.
I have come to understand that my own wife strayed because of deep insecurities about her self worth that led her to seek validation and closure from an old boyfriend who had dumped her right after high school. She did not discuss her struggles with me because she feared that I would think less of her. And what ultimately became a physical affair started as a series of smaller steps down a slippery slope. Initially, she simply answered a phone call from a former boyfriend. But then she made a number of increasingly selfish decisions, never spending much time thinking about the risks or the wrongness of it all (or the fact that it was a betrayal regardless of whether I ever found out). Today she is dumbfounded and humiliated to think back on her own actions.
My most difficult struggle has been reconciling my wife's actions with the wonderful person I thought her to be. We have made a lot of progress in that regard. I have regained confidence that she is indeed a wonderful human being. And there is once again no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I just had to accept that she was, at least for the first half of our marriage, much weaker and more flawed than I thought. I also had to accept that our marriage wasn't quite the storybook-perfect happily-ever-after thing that I thought it was.
You should read as much as you can here and feel free to ask whatever questions you need to ask (of us and of her).
Take care of yourself and know that you can eventually get through this, and will ultimately be stronger and wiser for it.
Best of luck,
W1
P.S. I strongly suggest you print Joseph's Letter (see helpful links at upper left) and have your wife read it. You will have lots of questions that need answering and she needs to know how important it is to be truthful (and not to torture you by trickling the revelations out in spurts that each hurt like entirely new d-days).
Just noticed something in your post that I didn't see the first time:
"Everybody makes mistakes and I hope that she won't make the same mistake again because I would have no choice but to leave. I could not take the torture that I am going through now again."
I found myself getting all spun up with that kind of thinking after the initial shock wore off and we were coming down from a period of hysterical bonding. In my case, it was very clear that my wife had broken off the affair long before our D-Day. And after D-Day she was overwhelmed by the degree of damage she had done to me, our marriage, my image of her, and her own self esteem. So she was certainly not in any danger of going down that path again (not with that OM or any other). That means all my fretting about the possibility of future infidelity only succeeded in making me fearful and angry about imagined terrors at a time when I should have been focusing on recovery from the affair I knew.
If you have doubt about whether your wife has truly gone NC, I suggest you read up on "the fog" and help her out of it. In any case, I recommend you avoid ruminating about imagined affairs in the future. You have enough to deal with already.
Also, be aware that the truth may come out in bursts. A couple of weeks after our D-Day I learned that there had been two physical encounters prior the one I learned of on D-Day. That kind of "second installment" can feel a bit like an entirely new affair. But it would not be rational to treat an incremental confession the same as serial affairs. (Of course, the BS has a certain amount of license to get irrational from time to time.)
I would like to thank you for the amazing words of encouragement. My head is so messed up right now. I have no idea which way is up. I have no doubts who I want to spend the rest of my life with! I have always pictured my wife and I old and wrinkly together. I just can't stop thinking about the whole situation and what could I have done differently to try and head it off before it got to this point. I know you have said that I am not to blame, but blame myself I am. In some way I feel I am taking it out on myself by not eating, sleeping, and worrying myself to the point of insanity. I have been going to an IC who is pretty good, but only directs me to books that I should read instead of providing advice. I can't even focus at work, how the heck will I be able to sit down long enough to read a book. The last thing I want is drugs. I need to deal with this head-on and not drug myself into a drunken stooper until sometime in the future when I will have to deal with it anyway. I will continue to read the posts and try to make some sense of this whole thing. I am willing to work as hard as it takes to make this thing work, but I am not sure if my wife is up to the challenge. I hope she is! Time will tell. Thanks again for providing some insight into this mess I call my life.
First I want to welcome you to Healing Hearts.. I am so sorry that you are going thru all this..
you posted that you lost your daughter... I am so sorry. I can not begin to imagine that loss.. and saying that, could that be one of the underlying reasons your wife had the A? just to feel? because she is so numb..
The other issue is that the A really doesn't have anything to do about you.. you could be perfect and she could still seek out another OP..the A is about something inside her..
None of really know what happened to cause the A"s that our S's had.. we can look at many reasons..and say why.. wrong decision..flawed thinking..
You are NOT wasting our time, if I didn't have this board to come and vent to .. read, find people who undersood what I was going thru.. I would not have healed and gotten thru the process.. healing is slow..
Please take care of yourself..
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Anyone in your shoes would feel messed up in the head. Your most precious and fundamental beliefs have been shattered. The inconceivable has happened. And now you are trying to figure out who you really married, what kind of relationship you really had all these years, and whether it all came apart because of something you did. As I told my wife, her actions were such a shock to my belief systems that I no longer had faith in anything, especially myself and my ability to know what I could believe.
Again, you can't heal yourself or help heal the marriage (or your wife) if you allow yourself to believe that this happened because of you. I know that is hard to accept. You thought the relationship was great. You thought your wife was a wonderful person. Yet it happened. So you start questioning your assumptions. And it seems easier to blame yourself than to accept that the woman you love could be so much less than you thought, or that your marriage has been a lie. But self doubts are a distraction from the truth. If you stop blaming yourself, or listening to excuses that attempt to shift the blame to you, the truth will gradually emerge. I certainly don't think you will find it necessary to abandon everything you cherished in your wife or your marriage. You'll just have to accept that things were far more complicated than you realized. For example, if your wife now tells you that she experienced frustrations in the relationship, it does not mean that everything you loved about the relationship was a lie. (Of course, it does not justify her actions either.) The fact that your wife had an affair does not mean that everything you thought you knew about her was wrong either. In short, you don't have to let this affair define your wife, your marriage, or (especially) you. Nor do you have to completely abandon your belief systems. Instead, revise them as necessary to incorporate this new reality. It will seem impossible at first. But you will find a way in time. And you will eventually make peace with the revisions. You won't like some of them. But you will eventually come to accept them. And they don't have to overshadow the things you do like about your wife or your history.
I should mention that modern antidepressants do not do not "drug people into a drunken stupor" or make people feel happy. Instead, the purpose is to offset the damage that clinical depression does to brain chemistry. This experience may very well push you into clinical depression. And once there it can be very difficult to claw your way out. So I would not suggest ruling medications out if you and your doctor conclude that you need help repairing you mood mechanisms. My wife and two of my kids had to resort to antidepressants at one time or another. They did have to deal with minor side effects. But the side effects did not include malfunctions in their ability to think clearly. And the side effects were better than depression, debilitating anxiety, and (in one case) OCD.
Regardless of whether you resort to antidepressants, you absolutely must eat, sleep, and avoid alcohol. You need to have you brain functioning well to get through this.
As for your wife, this is one time you are going to have to think of yourself first. It is a bit like being in an airliner where they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. Observing your pain may actually help snap her out of the fog if she is still in it. In any case, it is too soon for you to worry about what your wife is capable of. She got herself into this mess without your help. For a while at least she will have to face the consequences without much help from you.
Hang in there,
W1
P.S. Like Pat, I want to offer belated condolences, to you and your wife, for the loss of your son and daughter. Clearly you two have been through far more than your share of heartaches.
Welcome to our site. I'm glad you found us and were willing to share your experience. I hope that we can be helpful to you.
First of all, I need to affirm what other have said. It will take you time to really believe it for yourself, but you need to hear it in the meantime. You did not cause your wife to have an affair. You can no more cause her to have an affair than she could cause you to have one. An affair is fundementally a personal choice, no matter what influences are compelling them toward one or away from one. Even if you explicitly gave her approval and encouragement to pursue an affair (which I highly doubt you did), she still had the power to choose another path for herself.
Second, there is nothing about you that warrented her to treat you in this manner. Even if you were an abusive husband (which your post clearly shows is not the truth), she still would have had other choices than to commit adultery. Don't allow yourself to believe that you are anything less than the type of man that any woman would be glad to have for a husband.
I took went through the period where I could not focus on my work. I did not seek medical treatment for it. I believe my work performance suffered greatly over an extended period as a result. I am still working my way out of the poor reputation that I built for myself during that time. I would advise you to listen to the advice and, if you find you are not able to gain control, then consult your physician.
One thing I can see in your post is that you are taking way to much responsiblity for your wife's happiness. Sure, domestic chores should be shared. Sure, you should think about your families needs before making a personal purchase. However, marriage is a partnership where both parties support and encourage each other.
People will advise you to take care of yourself first. If you're like me, then you will have trouble understanding that idea. All it means is that you need to make sure that you are taking care of your health, both mental and physical, that you're not doing things that your wife should do for herself, that you're not enabling her in any way, that you are making sure that you are "taking care of business" so that you are nothing less than you can be for your family.
It's likely that your wife will offer reasons for her infidelity that directly or indirectly put blame on you. I'd advise you to validate her complaints, but do challenge the assertion that this caused her affair. Generally these are the rationalizations that a wayward person uses to give themself permission for doing this wrong.
Finally, you asked what she meant when she said that the grass would never be greener, just different. I think this might mean that she wasn't looking to replace you, but she was only looking for a limited experience with another person. This was true for my wife. She never intended to end our marriage through the affair, but intead she used it to "feel good" through the OM's attention and complements. She also used it to satisfy her curiosity about sex with another person. It sounds as if you wife have been using the affair in a similar way.
I was fortunate enough to be in the middle of a quiet period with my work when my own D-Day arrived. So I am glad that Tom addressed that aspect of your crisis.
If you have the flexibility to take a few days off, whether as sick or vacation time, that might be preferable to showing up to work as a zombie. Of course, once you get through the worst of this you may actually find work therapeutic, in that it can take your mind off your troubles at home for a few hours each day.
You may also want to confide in your immediate supervisor if you have faith in him/her. You don't necesarily have to reveal all the gory details. It may be enough to explain that you and your wife are having some serious relationship issues and that you are not comfortable going into detail. Several times over the years I have had conversations like that with people under my supervision. I always appreciated it when they trusted me enough to confide in me. And the knowledge made it real easy to accept some temporary degradation in their work performance. Of course, not all supervisors are compassionate human beings. So you will have to figure out what works for your situation.
I also keep meaning to mention that, like you, I treated my wife with uncommon respect and affection at all times. Her OM, on the other hand, was abusive to her before we married, and not that much fun to be with during the affair. The learning point, once again, is that the affair was not about you. And it may not not have had that much to do with the OM's virtues either. In many cases, the WS seems to want something (maybe feeling they NEED something) so badly that they go looking for it elsewhere. In the case of my wife, she had deeply rooted doubts about her self worth that I could not fix, maybe because I did not create the doubts in the first place. (OM contributed by emotionally abusing her for years and then dumping her at a tender age before we met.) I also could not repair her self-esteem because my love and admiration eventually came to lack credibility. (After all, I was supposed to love her. In her mind that didn't mean she was really worthy of love in an objective sense.) So when the OM, who had once rejected her, once again offered his affection she pounced on the offer the way an addict pounces on a free fix.
I asked my wife why she did not communicate her issues to me before resorting to betrayal. That was not easy for her to answer, in that she did not fully understand everything behind her own actions (and feared that the answers would hurt me further). I concluded that she did not feel safe opening up to me about what was bothering her back then. She was embarrassed about her own feelings, afraid I would think less of her, and reluctant to hurt me. (How ironic that a WS would resist communicating out of fear that it will hurt BS, but then embark on an affair that is infinitely more hurtful.)
You will have to decide how much you want to know about your own wife's motives. Some folks seem to want to dig into that more than others. If you do pursue that line of questioning, recognize that your wife will likely be reluctant to answer that kind of question, in that she will fear hurting you further (and further damaging your opinion of her). And if her answers imply that she strayed because of something you did or didn't do, refer back to Rule #1: Nothing you did justified an affair. When a WS points a finger at the BS that is simply a repetition of the same flawed thinking they used to rationalize their own actions in the first place. The truth is she could have communicated and worked with you to fix the problem(s) within the marriage. An affair only makes things worse. If she hasn't figured that out yet, don't give up. Your wife sounds like the kind of person who will get it eventually.
Thanks again everybody for the kind, yet blunt, perspective on things. I took a mental day off today to spend with my grandson and clear my head. That kid can cheer me up like nobody's business. My wife is acting like nothing has happened since she dropped the bomb on me last week. I guess she feels that she told me and the weight is off her shoulders. Now I feel like all that weight and the success or failure of our marriage is on me. I tried to explain to her some of the emotions that I was going through and that we both needed to be active participants in the healing process. She just says that she is dealing with knowing how much she hurt me in her own way. That sounds to me like a bunch of crap. I see her eating, sleeping, and functioning like before and that kind of pisses me off (I bite my tongue so she doesn't notice I am upset). If I hurt her like she hurt me I would be kissing her ass trying to make it up to her or helping her deal with her emotions. What do I get, business as usual. Kind of weird to me. I have read on many posts that I can't look down the road, I have to look at today. But, I have always been a plan for the future, but live for today kind of guy. I run through the future in my mind and see my dumb ass old, wrinkly, and alone. Not the Norman Rockwell picture I have been painting in my mind for the last 23 years I don't know what to do to get through to her. She says that she is amazed I still want her, but I don't see the remorse I would have expected. I get the feeling that she is here until she thinks I can handle coming home from work one day and all her crap will be gone. I don't know what the heck is happening. Craziness is all I can say about what is going on. Well, I am going to close for now so that I can get back to my awesome grandson. Again thanks.
Your experience is all too familiar to me. Before D-day my wife was not eating well. She lost 10-20 lbs (about 10-20 % of her weight) over a four month period, part of which was during the affair. She has told me that she was not losing weight to impress the OM. Instead she was losing weight because she was unable to eat from the emotional stress she was under.
In addition, she was not sleeping during the affair. Most of the sexual activities she did with the OM occured after 9 or 10 pm, after our kids were in bed. I was not at home during those times due to my work situation. In addition, when the OM wasn't at the house, she was chatting on the computer with him, often till very late in the morning. She would sleep for a few hours then get up in the morning to help the kids get ready for school. My wife always had trouble staying up past 10 pm, so this was very unusual for her.
On D-day I stayed up the entire night, hurt and conerned about our future while she slept peacefully. For her the crisis was "over", for me it was just beginning. I didn't eat for several days, she at like she'd been starved (which she was). On many nights after d-day I'd stay up until very late while she slept. It was a point of anger that grew, and grew until I blew my top. I could understood the ability to eat, but not as much the inattention during the nights when I was in turmoil.
Again, I had to learn to seek my needs with her. I eventually decided that I would wake her up to talk if that's what I needed. It made the days harder for both of us, given the lack of sleep. I was obsessed with the affair, and I needed to talk about it extensively. It was very difficult on both of us, and it might have been better to find a way to limit how much I fed this obsession, but I found it uncontrolable.
It took a while for my wife to really understand how deeply this had hurt me. I'm not sure if there was one thing that finally drove the point home, or whether it was the cumulative experience over several months that gave her the insight, but it did come over time. I believe the same will be true for you, but the only way that she will understand is if you regularly allow her to see the depth of your hurt, however that is possible without physically abusing her.
Certainly the joy of children in your life is a helpful respite from the constant thoughts of the affair. I encourage you to find other positive outlets that will allow you to take rests from all this.
I don't know if I should be scared or if this will scare you. I have been here since December. My name is also Bill (I guess I will have to be old Bill on this site now), I have also been married 23 years, but I have 4 kids. I thought I was taking very good care of my wife as well. I will admit to faults. I am not a very emotional person at all. We are working on this.
As for you all you want to do is save your marriage. I was at that stage for about 2 months. The anger came right about Christmas. At your stage I was also a wreck. I did cry all day the first day. I stayed in our room ( sick leave from work) and she held me. She told the kids I was sick. I also went through the couldn't eat or sleep stage. For me sominex worked. DO NOT drink with it. I woke up on the bathroom floor with my wife cradling me one night from drinking with it. I did not want drugs either. I managed to get by without taking them but I know a lot of people on this site have used them with good results. I also did not take drugs because my wifes A has been kept a secret by us. If I take anti depressant I have to be transferred at work to a non safety related position. I am obligated by law to tell my employer of all drugs I take before retuning to work, and my brother is a boss, he would find out. Will it hurt going through this without drugs? yes Will it hurt with drugs? I suspect yes again. You and your counselor decide.
It sounds like you want to help your wife heal. You can't "heal" her. She has to heal herself. She can't "heal" you. The counselor can't "heal" you. Only you will heal you. It will take time. They certainly can help. Take the help. For now you need to eat and sleep. I couldn't heal at your stage anyway. I remember being hyper sensitive to her waking at night. She seemed the same about me. This concern for each other is good but neither gets a good nights sleep. Maybe sleep apart a couple of nights or go to sleep early without her.
This recovery will evolve over several months. I found for us the early part is just stay together so you are there when the other needs you. Don't expect recovery to come soon. I thought that and set my self up for disappointment. Be very careful about setting expectations. If you are like me you set expectations but don't put obligations on others. The others do not even know you have these expectation. If they are not met you go into depression/anger. How could they meet expectations they did not even know about.
My wife also had trouble dealing with what she had done. I don't know if we should call it denial or is avoidance a better word. When I first threatened to leave I told her I would tell what she had done. She said she couldn't deny it if I told everyone. That doesn't mean she want's to confront it. We've all done things we don't want to confront. Hopefully not something like this. You will both have times when you stop dealing with the A. My wife would talk to her sister about other stuff and take her mind off it. I would have work and family to take my mind off it. I definitely remember seeing her happy at least once while I was not and I felt the same as you. If I check my notes I could find the date because it got me so angry I wrote it down. You both have to have times to get away from it. They will not necessarily be at the same time. Your day with your grandson sounds good. Make times to get away from this problem. Actually make time to get away from all your problems for a while. (hours or a day not weeks) Your problems will still be here when you get back but you will see them in a better perspective.
You think you will come home to an empty house one day. I thought that too. I am just now starting to accept that she wants to stay with me. She has told me many times she is sorry and wants us to stay together. Your ego can't recover for a long time. Why did she do that and now she wants to stay together. I haven't found the answer to that yet. I am still looking myself, but it seems she wants us to stay together. Was she looking for something different? Probably . Mine too. Once they found it how could they return if they didn't like it. My marriage counselor said they are looking for something that is missing. The OP is not a complete package either. They may have more problems/faults than us but they complete us. I do think once they cross a certain point there is no turning back. It wasn't supposed to go this far but it got beyond a certain point and she lost control.
Now what do you do. For now you stay together. Your emotions/anger will probably come out in time. I stormed out a couple of times and almost told the kids once. You don't sound like the type to hurt her physically but you need to release some anger when it comes. I almost felt my wife expected it. I know I wrote in my notes it seemed like she expected consequences from what she had done. It may be part of her healing take her punishment. I don't mean hitting or scarlet letters, but dealing with your anger and pain.
GOOD LUCK
"OLD" BILL
from my experience just try to sleep. your not going to recover this week. it takes time
HaHaHa I totally see where you are coming from "Old" Bill. I really like what you said about keeping a journal. I will have to run out and get one tomorrow. I would like to keep a journal on-line because that would be a little safer than having a hard-copy journal around the house for someone to find, but I will make sure it is totally secure. You are correct, I would never say or do anything that would hurt my wife. I am bigger than that. I know I have been acting a little crazy of late. I am still trying to grasp the reality of it all. Some times are better than others. I found this forum to be of great comfort during those times I feel like I am sinking. I hate to say this and I hope no one takes it the wrong way, but it is nice to know I am not alone. I know who my wife is on the inside and I just want her to be at piece with herself regardless of whether we stay together or not. The behavior she displayed during the A really made me nervous. I knew that there was something going on, but I didn't expect this. She drank every day, all she wanted to do was go out and party, and she stopped talking to friends and family (something that was very unusual). I am concerned that she will not get the answers she needs to get her head straight before making another irrational choice. If that were to happen, I would worry myself sick about her putting herself into situations that would harm her physically or emotionally. After serving 21 years in the Army, I know I will survive this long and bumpy journey that is before me. Some days are better than others, but I know I can come here and receive solid advice and direction. The deal my wife and I had was that she would follow me while I was in the Army and when I retire I follow her. True to my word, when I retired I followed her to Reynoldsburg, Ohio (close to her home). I have only been here a short time (2 years or so). I have no family (other than hers, who love me by the way), and no friends (man, I have to work on that). I think that is why I am having such a hard time dealing with the whole situation. I am not the type that would go to her family functions, even though I have known them for nearly a quarter century, if we were divorced. I would feel uncomfortable and I know she would. My son enters the Army in October (following in dads footsteps). My daughter and her two boys (Gabe-4 and Colton-20 months) live with us. If my wife left, I would have my daughter and two grand kids here in Ohio. Even though I am a great dad and grandfather, I think my daughter would get tired of dad hanging out with her Understandable. Well, as you can tell, the piece and quiet of the evening has calmed me down. My wife is at a church retreat for the evening, so I have some quiet time to reflect. I can not thank everyone for their encouragement and insight today. I am sure I will be back on tomorrow as crazy as ever I hope everyone has a great night. Thanks again.
Reading the other posts makes me realize how fortunate I was that my wife was extremely remorseful from the start, and seemed to grasp immediately how much pain she had caused me. That got me pretty quickly through the initial shock and into hysterical bonding for a month or two. Then around the 3 month mark some serious resentment started building when the pain came back in spades and I started to doubt whether my wife really did understand how wrong her actions were, and how much pain they were still causing me. So I had to regress to more interrogations and expressions of anger and resentment. It was very hard on my wife to go back to all that anger and guilt just when she thought we had recovered fully. But I found that it was necessary.
What I took away from all this was the conclusion that I had to communicate fully with my wife any pain, anger, resentment, or anxiety that her actions, however long ago, were now causing me. Trying to bury it only made it fester and build until I exploded.
It sounds like you are as inclined to protect your wife as I was. That is one reflex I believe the BS has to set aside in order to heal. You are not doing your wife or your relationship any favors by concealing the damage her actions have done to you. In fact, communicating your feelings may ultimately shock your wife into doing some very necessary soul searching. Hopefully it will also inspire some appropriate remorse. IMHO, serious WS remorse is one of the most important ingredients for BS healing and marital reconciliation.
One tactic I found useful was trying to keep the sessions with my wife focused on getting answers to my questions or communicating my pain and resentment regarding her actions, rather than angry or threatening outbursts that might turn me into the villain (in her mind) or provoke excessive defensiveness in her. That is not to say I never exercised my right to express rage over what she had done. But I did not want that to become the dominant form of interaction between us. It has worked much better for both of us to stay as calm as the conversation topic would allow, but without ever holding back in expressing our feelings.
Good luck,
W1
P.S. Like Old Bill, I have 4 kids and my d-day was about the same time as his. Like you, I am retired military. Been married just slightly longer than both of you. Spooky. Glad my name isn't also Bill. That would be too weird.
Sorry about this post, but I need to correct my last post. The last sentence should have read " I can not THANK YOU enough". Have a great night everybody. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I will try not to screw it up
If she wanted out she probably would not be there now. She didn't run to him, she stayed with you. If he had what she wants/needs she would be there. It took me a long time of waiting for her to leave. I even told her twice that he wins and I was leaving. Once was five days before Christmas. I told her she could have him here as a Christmas present and I started packing. She talked me into staying both times. This doesn't mean you can't drive her out or leave yourself. As long as you are together neither one has given up.
I don't know how you found out but my wife made a "mistake" that I was sure to notice. Did your wife want you to stop her. I do believe once they cross a line they can't stop. They need us to stop them.
At about five months I realized I was staying. I had already started the anger phase and kept telling myself I would decide weather to stay or not. After months I realized I was still here so who was I kidding. I was not deciding, I was staying. Apparenty she is too because things are getting better.
Don't even think of trying to make decisions yet. There is plenty of time for that later, and you may not like the decisions you make now. You probably won't like the options at six months either.
Get ready for a roller coaster ride. Your emotion will get better for a while then plummet. The good times will eventually get better and last longer. I still have lows at 8 months. MC says some of this is self inflicted and we start working on this Monday.
My MC recommended a vacation for just us. It did help. We almost always have kids with us. I wasn't to deal with the A. It became a bonding experience.
I know all you want to do is fix this all the time. It got to the point where my wife feared when I walked into a room with her and no one else because that is where I always went. You need to make some good times with her now as well as deal with this.
Just get through today and leave the healing for later
Bill,
So sorry to hear about the pain I know you are feeling. My wound is less than 2 weeks old and I also have found that my wife of 23 years who I trusted and cared for has made the choice to look elsewhere.
This is my first post here. I can't really bear to write about the betrayal I'm experiencing. But I want you to know that loving and taking care of someone is a blessing to the person it is bestowed on and it is the rare, strong, loving human being that can do that through all the tribulations you have been through.
I have read, and have been told that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It is all too new and painful to me as I know it is to you. But a man with a heart like yours will get through this to find something new, uplifting and loving in his life. Any way I see it now, the road leads to a new kind of love. Most importantly we must love ourselves.
I could go on, but I'd only be rambling.
Right now I don't know how to heal, myself. I only know how to hurt. But I also know that somehow this will get better.
Thank you for posting. It's strange how the internet can reach out to a total stranger with reassurance that he's not alone. For what it's worth, you're not alone. And I thank you for reminding me that I'm not either.
Well, here is a question that I must ask - I sat my wife down last night and told her just how much I hurt and how strange it was for me to see her without remorse for what she had done. I truly believe I caught her at the very beginning of the A because it was with her marketing professor whom she did not not prior to the class. She said that she had been unhappy with the direction our marriage was heading ever since I took my new job. I was walking into a situation where everyone in the budget office was fired and I was basically rebuilding the shop from the ground up while going through a national audit. It was high stress and 15 or 16 hour days for about a year. There was a period I worked 79 days straight. I looked at it as what needed to be done for the family. We talked often and I would express my situation and the stress I was under. She looked at it as me not wanting her or the family. What I did not realize was that I never really mourned my daughter's death because I had to be the strong one for the family. Little did I know, the combination of my daughter's death and the stress of the new job would throw me into a deep depression (according to my IC). I guess that is why I was working so much. Well, when my wife told me she wanted to move out on April 24th that snapped my ass right out of the depression and immediately into a panic thinking I was losing everything I worked so hard for. It was a series of events between April 24th and July 6th that made me suspicious something was going on. When I finally figured it out and was told about the A on Jul 6th, I wish I hadn't. Now, back to the events of last night Sorry about that. My wife said that she was confused and that was why her emotions are not what I would expect. She said that me and the family are exactly what she wants (I believe her because she is still here), but that her head has her on-the-fence about staying or leaving. She said she feels she is missing something. She said she considers me her best friend, but is not sure if the chemistry is still there to think of me as a husband or a lover. She said she can only picture her and I old and wrinkly together, but her head is thinking about other crazy things that she has never thought of before. She tells me how deeply she loves me all the time, but also uses the I am just not sure if I am "IN" love with you. She used to be heavy and underwent gastric bypass about 6 years ago. During her heavy period I would always tell her how much I loved her and how beautiful she was. The decision for the surgery was completely hers. I told her it did not matter to me either way. I married her for what she was on the inside and I was not concerned with her outward appearance, but I knew the surgery would help her with her self esteem. She had the surgery and I nursed her back to health. She looks great, but always has in my eyes. I told her not to make any rash decisions or act on any of the crazy primal thoughts going through her head at this point and we will start seeing IC so we can both work on our own issues. Once that is done we can start seeing a MC. I told her it would be a long journey and I could not be able to put a time frame on it. I told her it could take a year or could take 5 years and if she didn't think she could handle the journey then we should look at calling it quits now. She said she didn't want anything more than to try and get her head straight and for us to get back to being US. Is this normal (you know what I mean)? I know my wife better than anyone and I can see that she wants this to work, but I can also see a side of her that feels she needs to soil her wild oats before it is too late (her family has a history of dying young...our daughter at 13, her brother at 47, and her mom at 50...my wife just turned 44). I have lost 26 pounds since Apr 24th. A great weight loss program, but I wouldn't recommend it I do however almost have a six pack from working out like a mad man (something my IC recommended to keep my mind off the situation). I am just not sure if she has already gone past the marriage or is this something that can be saved. Last night I caught myself thinking about what I would do after the divorce. Not a pretty picture for me. I started looking at the finances and planning what needed to be done so that when she left me we would not be financially ruined. I am not sure if my body or mind will allow me to make it much longer. I have definitely been punishing it since this ordeal began. Man, how the hell did we get here? Sorry to ramble, but I only got about 2 hours of broken sleep last night and I haven't had my morning pot of coffee. I hope everyone has a wonderful day and thanks so much for all your words of encouragement and advice.
I see we are both morning people too. Your 6:30 post has be beat easily.
Give your wife time to come pit of the fog. It's human nature to avoid facing bad consequences. She knows she must but wait a few more days. I don't want her to think she can avoid it, but get over the shock first.
I think you know now your obligations are to your family and not work. It sounds like you are good at accepting responsibility and getting the job done, but work let you take on way too much at the expense of family. If losing Ashley and losing you to depression left her feeling alone, she may also want to fix things now. My marriage counselor called some affairs a "wake up call" to the other spouse. We get so wrapped up in our day to day lives something has to give. We don't intentionally drift away from our spouse but unfortunately it is the easy place to steal time. We all tell ourselves we will make up for it later but more obstacles keep stealing more time and we ignore them more. I know my wife caved to the attention he gave her. He's single and lives in an apartment. No house to take care of, no yard work, no kids needing attention. Part of my recovery is to clean out junk at the house and simplify my life.
You mentioned your wifes weight loss. My wife lost 60 pounds she had been carrying since the children. I do feel part of her reason was self esteem. I did not compliment her or even acknowledge it. Granted, we think we are doing good by taking care of the house and cars, paying bills, coaching kids teams, etc, but there are things they need that we all need to improve. He could be very complimentary. To the point you could never shut the a@#hole up.
As for our own weight loss. I am down 45 pound and starting to see abs too. Only two though. Must be your military background. I wonder if part of this is we are sub-consciously getting ready to join the dating scene again. It doesn't mean we will join.
You found yourself wondering about divorce. I think this is normal. I know I go through this. I still do at 8 months. The first time I stormed out I took cloths. The second time I packed the financial documents instead of cloths. Maybe men are more business like.
You don't know how much longer your body and mind will hold up. You will make it. We all did. 2 hours of broken sleep sounds about right.
You will start to get more sleep soon. 3 then 4 hours will come. Don't think you will sleep a solid 8 for a month or more but you will see improvement. As you start to sleep more you can make better decisions. The big decisions are sill months away.
For now deal with responsibilities. Take care of the kids/grandkids, pay bills,work etc. These other things can't be settled now. Has your MC told you decisions need to made down the road. For now they are not decisions. They are WORRIES. They build huge amounts of anxiety and consume tremendous amounts of time but can't be answered. If you both decide today to stay together do you think it's a binding decision. If you both decide to split today do you think it's a binding decision.
It's an all consuming issue at this time but try to put it aside for a bit. Let your mind take a small break. Even for an hour or so. Go see a movie. Preferably with your wife. You don't need to talk yet but just go hold hands. If you try to talk it may get back to the A. If you can't go with her yet take the grandkids to a kid movie. This problem will not go away while you take an hour off.
It is taking everything I have to give my wife time to process what she has done. I am trying to control my thoughts and bite my tongue. She is still acting like she has not done anything wrong. Additionally, she is still here. I am not sure how long I should wait before I pull the rip cord on this relationship. I am almost treating her like she is ill. I would never leave her if she was sick and I think I am convincing myself to pretend she is sick so I will stay. Kind of weird. I read some of the posts where it takes months before the WS comes out of the fog. I am not sure I have that in me. I feel like I am just barely hanging on now and need my WS to show something. I guess the fact that she is still here should be good enough, but it is not. Thanks for listening
I assume that you are confident that your wife has gone completely NC and that the fog you refer to is about her lack of remorse.
In either case, I worry a bit about these two sentences:
"I am trying to control my thoughts and bite my tongue. She is still acting like she has not done anything wrong."
It sounds like you are bottling up thoughts and feelings that your wife needs to know about. Your own calm is likely to be a pleasant surprise to her. From where she sits, the sooner things get back to normal, the better. If you appear to be calm and ready to move on with life, she is likely to anxiously accept that and try to put the whole episode behind her.
Would your wife be surprised to know the feelings that you expressed in your posts? If so, doesn't she need to know that her marriage is hanging by a thread so she can try to save it by showing that she cares, and hopefully by showing some appropriate remorse?
I am not suggesting you go postal or scare the hell out of her by switching abruptly from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. But I would think you need to communicate your feelings before they fester past the point of no return.
One more thing I should mention is that I have seen people exhibit a kind of emotional numbness when in a crisis (or a relationship) that gets too scary and/or painful. So be aware that your wife may withdraw (further?) from the relationship or from her own feelings when the going gets tough. That does not mean you should avoid communicating your feelings. It just means you should not necessarily interpret a poker-faced reaction as apathy.
Good luck,
W1
This message has been edited by wounded1 on Jul 21, 2009 3:07 PM
Greetings New Bill,
I haven't posted on HH in a while, but I have read your recent posts. My Dday was almost five years ago. This site and the incredible, giving folks here were a godsend to me. I credit them with making a huge difference in my life.
Sad to say, many WS stay in the fog for a while, and even as they are coming out of their A-fog, they often cling to their delusions. Facing up to the magnitude of their horrible choices and the damage they did is extremely difficult. I am by no means excusing the behaviors of WS, just explaining.
If you have not yet printed out a copy of Joseph's letter for your wife, I strongly urge you to do so. Some HH members printed out copies for their WS more than once, as some WS need to see the message multiple times for it to register completely.
In addition to giving your WS a copy of Joseph's letter, I urge you to read as much as you can about A. I found dearpeggy.com, Glass' book "Not JUST Friends," and Spring's book "After The Affair" particularly helpful. I still refer to these resources from time to time as needed.
The counsel to give yourself time, time, and more time is so wise and so true. Peggy Vaughan cautions against making a decision too soon, as her experience, both personally and professionally, is that most BS need a minimum of a couple of years to recover. Some of us needed even more time. During treatment for my A-induced depression, I was diagnosed as having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Let me tell you that having OCD made my recovery even more difficult. (I wouldn't wish this disorder on ANYONE--ok, maybe on my H's OW--bwah-ha-ha!)
So what can you do? Believe it or not, you have a great deal more power than you might think. IC and MC gave me tremendous insights, not only about A, but about life itself. Remember that while you can not control anyone but yourself (and indeed, none of us have the right to control anyone else), you do have the power and right to set boundaries for yourself.
You can NOT set boundaries for your wife, but you can set boundaries for what is acceptable and what is not, and you can share these boundaries with her, making very clear to her what the consequences of violating your boundaries will be. But you must uphold whatever boundaries you set; otherwise, she will not respect your boundaries and not take you or them seriously. For instance, you haven't discussed this, but one of your boundaries could be that she can not keep any passwords secret from you and must share all of them with you. One boundary could be that she must go with you to MC. You get the picture.
I know at this early stage, you may be able to intellectually understand and accept that the A was all her doing and nothing at all to do with you, but emotionally, you are lower than low. Time, IC, MC, and loads of thinking, reading, journaling, and posting here will help you to accept that you could be hunky Gerard Butler, and your W would still have cheated because of HER issues and her issues alone.
While WS are in the A fog, they spew a whole lot of garbage out of their mouths. It is the BS' job to refuse to accept their garbage. Truly remorseful WS own their garbage and are horrified by the damage they did to everyone involved.
Know that you can choose NOT to make a choice now. You can choose to wait to decide what your plan of action will be. I told my H that I would not make a choice about whether or not to divorce until two years had passed after Dday. He set me back a whole year by lying to me about his A for an entire year until I told him I had emailed OW for answers he wouldn't give me. I tell you this not to discourage you, but just to illustrate that WS can wander about in that fog for a long time. Eventually, he came to see that he was deluding himself--he was not protecting me; rather, he was protecting himself. He was terrified that if I knew the whole story, I would leave him, and that is not at all what he wanted.
Was our marriage perfect prior to my H's A? No, but it wasn't awful, either. My H's issues, like your W's, were what let him give himself permission to have an A. When we BS can accept that fact, we free ourselves from the burden of feeling guilty for our WS' A.
Good luck and hang in there. As the others told you, try to rest, eat right, and exercise. Be kind to yourself. If you need to, talk to your doctor about meds. They definitely helped me.
I do have to admit that I am responding to your initial post without reading the rest. I just want to say that I am sorry you find yourself here. One good thing that I got from your initial post is that you still love her very much. That is a good thing and is needed for healing. I'm sure someone around here mentioned that the affair had nothing to do with you. It really doesn't and you need to believe that. I know we question ourselves and what we did to make them have the affair. But in reality? It was their own choice.
I am three and a half years past Dday and there are still those days of disbelief. However, they are not as intense as they use to be. One can only take it a day at a time, and with each passing day it becomes further away from the future. Don't know if that makes sense. Hang in there.
I can't express just how much your advice and support has meant to me. I am slowly relaxing and trying to spend more time taking care of myself than obsessing over the situation. The past few days I have focused more on what life will be once she leaves me and I must say, it looks like crap for me. I have stopped worrying about the A and now have turned towards getting my financial house in order. Last night my wife started talking about a consolidation loan. It struck me as odd because she has not been involved in the bill side of our marriage for quite some time. She was talking about which bills she wanted to roll-up into the consolidation loan, which is completely normal, but there was a couple thousand that she did not account for. My wife is very intelligent so the fact that there was a couple thousand unaccounted-for is not a mistake. She also knew balances and interest rates so there was research done. I can only wonder if she is expecting to use that money to pay for an apartment or whatever. I am not sure when and why she started hating me or thinking I was a complete fool without feelings or emotions. She is still here so I am continuing to try and take it a day at a time. Time will tell. I hope everyone has a great day
Have you openly discussed your concerns with your wife???
You mentioned that it looks like she is carving out a couple of thousand dollars for an apartment but you did not mention your wife's response to that accusation. Even if that is her intent, it may be driven by the expectation that you will kick her out (or leave yourself) rather than by any desire on her part to end the marriage. Some folks on this forum have described situations where the WS felt fatalistic; like there was no way the BS would accept them back and they had no right to even ask.
I have the same concern about your previous description of your wife's lack of remorse. She may be responding to your outward calm by concealing her own remorse, and by cooperating in what she perceives to be an effort on your part to put the affair behind you. The only way to find out is to ask. Hearing you express your feelings may also inspire her to do more of the same.
Open and honest communication is always important in a marriage, but doubly so while attempting to recover from an affair. If you are like I was early in recovery (and probably like any other BS soon after d-day), you now have serious doubts about your ability to predict what is going on in your wife's head. In fact, for a while after d-day the belief systems of a BS are so shaken that it is hard to take anything at face value.
Even if after openly communicating with your wife it becomes clear that she does indeed think the marriage is over, it seems way too soon after d-day for either one of you to make such a momentous decision considering all you have been through together.
Did you say that you are in both IC and MC?
Good luck,
W1
This message has been edited by wounded1 on Jul 22, 2009 1:26 PM
In general I agree that open communication is important for effective affair recovery. However, I would temper that advice with the understanding that a big unknown (as you've suggested) is exactly what intentions the wayward spouse has for the future. There are plenty of examples where one of the spouses is faithfully working on recovery while the other one is scheming their exit from the marraige, either with property, with custody of the children, simply with a place to go when the moment is "right".
In fact, I watched my neighbor (a betrayed spouse) scheme and take advantage of moments when they could make claims of abuse, mental instability, and other issues against their spouse as means to claim as much marital property for themself and obtain primary custody of the children. Similar schemes have been experienced by those on this forum as well.
It is important to look, listen, and learn exactly what your spouse's real intentions are for the future. To be as certain as possible, some betrayed have gone as far as demanding that the wayward spouse sign a "post nuptual" agreement that predetermines the terms of a divorce in exchange for a commitment to work on reconcilation. For example, one person's wayward husband agreed to forfeit any rights to his wife's retirement funds in exchange for his wife's willingness to work on reconcilation. She was the primary bread winner in the family, so this was a significant marital asset that he was forfeiting. While this might seem very cold, I believe it helped the betrayed wife know that her husband was staying in the marriage for the right reasons.
You may not want to go this route, but regardless you should be on guard for the potential for your wife to use this time to do harm to the marraige and your finacial health rather than working on reconcilation.
I agree that for any BS a certain amount of suspicion is prudent. But then, suspicion came pretty easily to me as a newly betrayed spouse. The hard part was balancing that with a willingness to give reconciliation a fair try. It sounds like Bill and his wife have been through enough together that he can probably figure out the score once the dialogue gets going. But reconciliation seems to me impossible if both parties follow their knee-jerk instincts by withdrawing to their separate corners and guessing about each other's intentions.
I certainly could be wrong, but Bill sounds like the strong silent type. And if his wife is like mine, the silent part doesn't work out so well sometimes.
I'll shut up now. Maybe this whole BS thing has me communicating too much now.
Yesterday was a real breakthrough for my wife and I. I have told her since the beginning of this journey that I would leave my computer without passwords if she ever felt like she wanted to know how I was truly feeling. She said, at the time, she wanted no part of it. We have, for the most part, had open communications since this journey began and that is why I love her so much. Well, yesterday she was off work and decided to take a look. She called me at work and wanted to talk. We had a great talk where we laid everything on the table. For the first time in a long time I feel confident that we will make it. During our discussion yesterday I truly remembered just how much I love her and how hard she is trying. She expressed that she had thought about calling the OM during our rocky period but did not because she wasn't going to take the easy way out. She assured me that she has had NC since D-Day. She also discussed the consolidation loan and her intentions. She saw that the financial side of the house was put on the back burner since this whole thing began on April 24th and she wanted to sit down with me and discuss our game plan, but did not want to without knowing where we were at. She is going to start IC tomorrow and wants to go to MC, as well. We went out for dinner and a drink last night after our finals and just talked about anything except the A. It was great. We held hands across the table and just talked. It was nice. We agreed to take it a day at a time and I am sure that with each passing day it will get easier. I can not thank everyone enough for all your advice and insight. My wife and I are just beginning this journey, but I have a really good feeling that we are on the right track. We have definitely become closer as a result of this and realize just how much we mean to each other. We will not take another day together for granted. Time will tell, but the sun looks like it is coming up.
I Love All of You for Helping Me in My Time of Need!
Congratulation's on starting the journey toward recovery. I am starting to remember the fear I suffered at your stage. You seem to be getting over the initial shock. It is till a long road ahead. One warning. You will have a lot of bad days. Since you sound a lot like me the hard part was losing progress. I would start to feel better and feel some confidence we can work it out, and then my fears would push me back down. I felt I couldn't grasp the progress once I had it. It feels terrible to lose progress but it has always come back. Each time it is better and lasts longer.
You mentioned making an electronic journal. I use a Sandisk U3 thumb drive. The U3 part runs programs from the drive instead of the computer. I have Firefox browser and Edit Pad Lite on my drive. The browser keeps my history on the drive instead of the computer and Edit Pad keeps my journal. It is also password protected in case I drop the drive at work. When I walk away from a computer I take my journal and history with me. I have told my wife she can see it any time she wants. I doesn't need to be secret from her but the kids also use our computer.
It is good to hear you are talking to your wife. This site is great when you need to talk to some one and feel listened to. Just remember our answers are at home for all of us.
That is great news. I strongly agree with what Old Bill had to say. You are certain to have more rough periods interspersed with the good times. My wife and I started some serious dating after the initial shock and interrogation sessions subsided. It helped us re-bond and reminded us why we married in the first place. But there were also some intense, and unpleasant, affair-related discussion interspersed in there. It sometimes felt like we were taking two steps backwards for every three forward. Fortunately, over time the rough times became less frequent and the dating more natural.
Thank you so much for all the support and advice. My wife had her first IC on Friday. We talked afterwards and she has decided to start using the same IC that I am. We are also going to use him as our MC. We think that using the same IC as our MC may be better because he will have an understanding of both our concerns and will be able to guide us in the right direction during our journey. I have noticed the positive changes in my wife since she told me about the A. It is weird because I find that I love her even more now than I did before. Of course, unbeknownst to me, I was dealing with severe depression issues, so I didn't feel a whole lot of anything She is still here so I am trying to take it one day at a time. I want this to work more than anything. I have been doing a lot of reading and trying to get myself straight. I read a great article in one of the magazines in my shrinks office about jealousy. It was very informative and provided me with a lot information. In short, it is my insecurities that make me jealous or paranoid. I am working on getting comfortable with myself and the jealousy will subside. My wife is very beautiful, but if I don't get my confidence back it will only drive her away. Man, some days I feel like a complete nut case I am trying to work on myself everyday. What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger. If the aforementioned is true, I should be strong as hell by the time this is over
"Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it....So ought men love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church." (Eph. 5:25, 28, 29)
My H and I also used the same C for IC and MC.. I asked my H that C be able to communicate between both of us.. ie.. no secrets.. all I have to say is that he did and continues to do a wonderful job helping me ...Us.. we still seek him out for tuneups every so often..
The C alos assured me if he felt it would be in my best interest to leave the marriage he would tell me..made me fell more secure.
There are some who will say not a good idea.. and I can understand that also..
take care,
pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I don't know what to do to get through to her. She says that she is amazed I still want her, but I don't see the remorse I would have expected. I get the feeling that she is here until she thinks I can handle coming home from work one day and all her crap will be gone. I don't know what the heck is happening. Craziness is all I can say about what is going on. Well, I am going to close for now so that I can get back to my awesome grandson. Again thanks.
