At almost 6 months now, I realize that I am still in denial about H's LTA. If anyone were to ask me "What do you want/need right now?" the answer comes in a nano second; I want to wake up and have this be the longest, most horrible nightmare ever. I'm stuck in the "How could you, how could you?" and I find myself staring and staring at him as if I can discover who this stranger is who looks like the H I loved with all my heart and soul. Yesterday, he was just a constant trigger and the day was interminable. He is trying, but right now I just hate him and want to punish or hurt him AND OW, the slimy little you-know-what; creepy low-lifes, the both of them.
Every day it's like I'm fighting, fighting against the knowledge that yes, this did happen and he robbed us of so many things - years and memories and so much more. He gave her EVERYTHING for those years, and there is nothing that can get any of that back. Oddly enough, for some reason right now, I cannot even cry. It's almost like I'm too sad to cry. I read somewhere that medication can keep you from crying. I think I need to, but I just can't.
Daisy, I know the legend about the silkies and I identify with all my heart. I, too am on kitchen strike, mostly because the thought of food makes me feel ill and most of the time, I just can't face cooking, which I used to love.
Again, thank you all for your loving responses. I fear that those around me are going to soon be saying to themselves that I should be handling things better by now, but they have no idea.
My H's A lasted over four years, so I understand about dealing with LTA. You are NOT in denial. You are in pain. Our H were the ones in denial when they lied to themselves that what we didn't know wouldn't hurt us and that they "deserved" their A.
Sad to say, six months out from DDay isn't really that long. Remember that Peggy Vaughan says we need at least two years to process and heal when both spouses are working on the marriage. For some of us, myself included, two years wasn't long enough. (Of course, my healing was set back when I found out on the anniversary of Dday that H had been lying to me for an entire year. Ugh.)
Your feelings are quite normal for the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up for hurting. Remember to treat yourself well: try to sleep, eat healthily, exercise, and love yourself. Nothing you did or said or didn't do or say caused your H to make his horrible choices. He did that all on his own. Now he needs to help by working on understanding how he could have given himself permission to cheat, working on healing the marriage, and doing what he can to help you heal.
I told my H that I would not leave before two years was up no matter how much I wanted to leave. He kept telling me that even if I did leave, the pain would go with me because I could not run far enough or fast enough to escape it. Of course he was right, so I stayed.
Our marriage is not the same. It is better now (September 26 makes five years from Dday.) But getting to this point took a great deal of hard work from both of us.
You are still in the hit-upside-the-head-with-a-brick stage. At six months' out, I believed all kinds of nonsense about OW and their relationship. From my perspective now (greatly aided by years of IC on both our parts, MC, reading books and articles, and aided by the fabulous, loving folks here at HH), I see the A for what it truly was: selfish, escapist, pathetic, juvenile attempts to feed each one's ego. I know some members of HH's WS did give OP material items. Of course that is enough to anger and sadden us. But really, what was given was not given in love; it was given in desperation, attempts to bribe another lost soul in exchange for ego-stroking.
When my H came all the way out of the fog, he was appalled at his actions and recognized their A for the lie it was. Nothing about that awful time in his life holds any happy memories for him. To me, knowing that he can see the truth is very important. I can not control what his OW thinks or feels. I do not have the right to control anyone but myself. But I know what he gave her was smoke and mirrors, and bad ones at that.
Just keep trying to figure out what you need and sharing your feelings with your H. Please remember that he is not a mind reader and can only try to meet the needs you share with him.
I am so sorry you are hurting. Please keep in your heart the knowledge that you CAN work your way to a happy life. Give yourself the gift of time. You are going through the usual steps for this situation. If those around you don't understand, and many don't, it's because they have no idea of what you are going through. Folks here do, so feel free to come here to share and read. This place and these people were a godsend to me in my dark despair.
Read over and over what FF said. She is so right. At six months, I was stil caught up in the story of the wonderful romance, the once in 50 years love, the person he could have spent his life with. I think I just couldn't believe that he could get involved with someone else, could destroy the foundations of my life, unless that story was real. Now, he says the whole time of the A was the unhappiest time of his life. If OW had ended it with dignity at any time he would have been relieved. He would have walked away and never spoken to her again. He never wanted to be with her.
The thing is it takes a long time for the WS to acknowledge this, and all that time is painful painful painful for the BS. In fact, the time the WS spends in the fog after D-day causes even more hurt, that feeling that you are second best, the consolation prize, and that he would be with OW if he could.
I now know this was a lie he was telling OW to keep her from seeing him as the bad guy. Problem was, he had me on hold: "I need to sort out OW and then I can make Liz happy; I am doing this for our marriage; I can't be happy with Liz until OW has let me go..." It took three years for him to be able to get beyond that and see that OW was not his responsibility.
We are two years from the final D-day and it is only now that I can look beyond the A and reclaim the memories. An important part of this has been H telling me everything (and I mean everything), over and over again, as often as I ask. A big part of affairs is the secrecy, the feeling that your H had a life in which you had no part. By getting him to tell me everything I can be part of that life. What's more, knowing the lies he told OW means that he and I share a secret, that we actually know more about that time than her. That helps.
Weather it out, give yourself deadlines, don't make any decisions this early. It will get better.
I remember those feelings of "I can't believe it". Accepting the reality is awful and made me feel ill. Even now my stomach turns and I feel sick at the reality. This is the nature of the betrayal - it is deep and profound and strikes at the very core of our existence.
Beyond this is a new perspective in which you see yourself and your partner and the affair in a bigger picture. Beyond where you are now is still a harsh reality but in a bigger space. I can now see myself more clearly as well as my wife and her 18 year affair. For me it is now almost 4 years since d-day and I still get triggered - yesterday I was with her and she reminded me of something she did on her days off from work (she has always worked part time) - It reminded me that it was on her days off that she was with her OM (as well as during worktime as he was her boss). As I sit here today I feel sick in my stomach. It still feels so bad.
I am not sure my response helps. But, yes, things do change. Reality is sometimes awful to see. But life, it seems to me now, is full of suffering.
Cathy,
Again, I related to so much of what you wrote. For me, like you, the constant refrain was "how could you?" and especially, "how could you do this to ME??" Over and over and over for years but with a little less force and a little more understanding of the answer over time.
The man I married had become a monster to me but at the same time, I was desperate to save our M. And, like you, I wanted to hurt the person whose love I wanted, hurt him so badly that he would know the depths of pain it was possible to feel. It was a crazy, insane world where nothing made sense....and yet, in the world of the betrayed, everything made sense.
You are so not alone in how you feel. I guarantee that, among us, there are people who know how you are feeling better than anyone in the world....better than our BS, even better than our IC and MC, I believe. There is no substitute for personal experience when it comes to understanding how it feels to be betrayed and cheated on by the person you trusted to take care of you....to make your life better, not to steal and distort it.
Every situation is a bit different. In my case, there was one long term A with a much younger OW that involved sex for the first year but lingered on and on. Then there was a ONS and several inappropriate flirtations. He was the disgusting stereotype of an older man in a position of power preying on the young stupid, immoral girls that worked for him, although often indirectly (He was CEO of the company - even worse).
And, alcohol played a big role in the cheating and sobriety played an even bigger role in our recovery. I thought I married an honorable, successful, charming man and instead, found myself with a lying, cheating alcoholic.
You will find people here who share your circumstances and hopefully, find comfort in talking about those shared experiences. But no matter what the specifics are, there is a bond here that is unbelievable! There is nothing you can say that will shock us - somebody has been there. Never feel that anything you feel is abnormal. Abnormal is our norm. What you feel now is not what you will feel tomorrow or even an hour from now. Hatred, love, rage and pain get all mixed up in a potion that is confusing,disorienting and intense.
I didn't think that anyone could sink as low as my H did...but we did climb out of the pit - it took a very, very, very long time. I think I clung to the pain and anger as a form of punishment and as a way to protect myself from future pain. But I gradually came to see my H and his OW as very sick, sad people. His willingness to look at his sickness and work on its cure allowed our M to survive. And, the insights and self awareness I got from IC allowed me to finally believe that it wasn't my fault.
Do I ever go back to the "how could he?" refrain? Yes, but it is different. I still can't quite believe it all really happened..but mostly, I can't believe that the man and woman we are today are the same ones that lived through all of it.
This has been as hard a week as I've had so far, but reading your compassionate, wise responses has steadied me a bit and given me the hope to keep going, although I may be making some decisions soon about spending some time away from my H. He is such a huge trigger and, of course, still doesn't "get it" except at moments, and I am struggling so hard with despair, grief and and rage. My IC is a rock of compassion and wisdom, without telling me exactly what to do, but helping me know that I am capable of deciding what is best for me right now. That is empowering for me!
I appreciate you all more than you can know, or then maybe you can, because you too have received help and encouragement.
