I'm really not good at writing but I'm going to try.
DDay was June 28. Through phone records I caught my wife of 28 years cheating. It had been going on for at least 3 years but she couldn't be sure because they have worked together for 6 or 7 years and it "grew" from that, (while it grew I withered and died).
When I figured out what was going on I was on a business trip in another country (brand new job after being laid off for 3 months). For the last 3 years I have been on multiple anti-depressants and didn't understand why I have been unable to shake this feeling of gloom. When all of my fears were confirmed on July 3 I attempted S. Not because of her but because I just couldn't hurt anymore and really didn't want to go on. My kids worked tirelessly to keep the pills from having their effect and through there efforts I finally came to realize they need me and I gave up the idea of S and came home.
Since then we have been in MC with Pastor and his wife. Can't afford professional MC and will not run up more debt going anywhere (retrouvaille) because that is one reasons she cited for the A. We are literally living paycheck to paycheck.
When I discovered the A it was after they were unable to have easy access to each other. They have worked 3rd shift together for years (so my wife could be home for the kids!!!) and the company they worked for closed down. They live pretty far apart and there was no longer an easy way to get together. My WS said she really wanted it to be over and was just waiting out the layoff so she didn't have to confront OM. She didn't want to hurt him! She also told me she was to much of a coward to tell me. She wanted to but had no plans of doing it. She was sure I would D her. After they were both laid off the really long phone calls started. That is how I figured it out.
Now I can't quit thinking about several things.
1. Is there any reason I should believe she wanted out when she was not going to tell me and she was still spending hours on the phone with OM?
2. In MC and other things I've read they want you to "put the past behind you and move on". Well she had 3 years to put the past in front of me and why do I continually feel guilty for not just "getting past it" in 2 months? Is there something wrong with me?
3. Some days I really want to R but there are many other days (like today) that all I want to do is disappear from the world and never come back. I hurt so bad and it feels like no one wants to let me grieve. They make me feel like my pain should be put aside and I should be over this by now. My WS just avoids asking me what's wrong when she knows I'm feeling this way. She doesn't want to be reminded of her "mistakes". I feel so alone that I could scream but all that would do is assure them that I am crazy and I'm the one with the problem.
I just want a few days when I can quit thinking about all of this and feel like there is a reason to go on with life. My oldest kids have no idea what I'm going through and just tell me to "suck it up" and get over it. I feel so helpless and I really don't want to even think about any future good, bad, with WS or without WS. I even feel guilty for writing this. I just want to know when or if I will ever feel maybe not normal but at least out of so much pain.
You're not helpless, the very fact you are on this forum proves the opposite.
Here you're amongst friends and survivors and you will survive. And your kids need you to survive and flourish, they sound great, your kids.
Is it possible to accept that what you're feeling now is very very "normal"? You're only 2 months in, and you're on the roller-coaster now, perhaps it is possible to accept that there is no way of getting of it so there might even be a way of benefiting from it? Live the life to its fullest no matter how tough it gets? Its hard I know only too well, surges of adrenalin sapping the energy, others telling you to get over it, sheer frustration of feelings "seemingly" beyond one's control and ken.
Your wife may need a lot of help from you understanding what it is that you need now. For example, have you shown her wife Joseph's letter? It's gut-wrenching that WS don't instinctively know what they need to do; it's hard to tell them, ask, demand, but it helps both "muddle through" the current fog - stop apologising for how you're feeling, you didn't cause it but you for sure are the main architect of getting better.
Do you know what you need now? Can you have a few days quiting thinking about it? Its very difficult at 2 months to achieve this, but maybe there is some activity you can immerse yourself in?
The 3-year feeling of gloom may be a reactive depression due to all sorts of converging external circumstances; can you do anything about any of those? Singly or otherwise?
Thanks for the optimism. I've given her Joseph's letter and about 100 other things to read. She is the type who likes to not think about things. I've explained and shown her that is what got her into this mess. She keeps telling me she has never had to think this much and it's really hard for her. I just cannot feel sympathy for her right now.
The reason I mentioned being on the pills for 3 years is the time I had to start them coincides exactly with when she started the A and began withdrawing from me.
She isn't really fighting me on anything as much as just hoping it will go away. I feel guilty for writing because all of the people saying I should get over it are making me feel like there is something wrong with me. When I break down and cry or get upset I might as well be a leper. Everyone seems to know what to do although none of them have been through this. My pastor (our MC) keeps telling my WS that she has to tolerate my constant questions because of my personality type. He told me he wouldn't want to know any details and can't understand why I do. I feel like there is no one in my world that really gives a crap about how I'm feeling, they all just want to give advice, aka fix it, and walk away. I really need someone to sit down and cry with and vent to. I can't do that with my WS because she doesn't like to cry or show weakness in front of me (that is a whole other issue). I just started this job and they gave me a month off after DDay to help me get going. I can't afford any more time off even if I could get it. I have to go home in a few minutes and I'm dreading it. I have to go and pretend that everything is OK or that I'm not to upset so we can take care of all of the other stupid business right now. We are also in a financial counseling 13 week course at our church. Timing couldn't be worse but I have to get my finances in order to move forward in any direction. Now on top of everything else we get to sit and make a budget and cash flow analysis (can you see a fight coming here) and have it done in 6 days. I have made budget after budget for 28 years and she has steadfastly refused to follow any of them but now it's "different". I am just having trouble accepting that suddenly she has changed everything in her life, ie., she now supposedly resents and dislikes the OM. She is finally ready after 28 years to live on a budget. She loves me more than anything (that is the one I have the hardest time believing). I want to believe her in the worst way but I just don't have it in me. I
I just am hoping against hope for a some peace and understanding by all of those around me. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I have pretty much decided that I can't live with the ongoing pain of D and after 3 years of this hell and if I can't live with her that doesn't leave many options.
Go over to survivinginfidelity.com Get on the Just found Out discussion board. You will find out step by step how to deal with this. This is a BIG job and requires 110% committment from both of you. The Pastor (MC) is UNQUALIFIED to deal with your situation. There will be more pain for you and your wife as you start the healing process.She needs to be completely transparent and 100% truthful no matter how much it hurts. (You to find out and her to admit) Think of it as having an infected wood sliver in your thumb. Digging it out is going to hurt a lot but later it'll feel a lot better. I'm serious about going over to S.I.com.
I remember your pain... so well..It has been almost 10 years for me since I discovered the unimaginable. My husband was the love of my life.
I remember d day as if it were yesterday. I remember ALL the feelings you know so well.
All of us do, that is why we "old timers" are still here reaching out a loving hand. We want you to know healing happens it just takes time.. more time than 2 months dear Jollum.
There are lots of things you can do to help the healing process.
The first is get those feelings out. For me writing here CONSTANTLY was a huge help. You need to talk to people who understand that NO you should not be " over it" in a few months. My best friend told me at 6 months to " get over it already " I guess she was tired of hearing about my agony. Fortunately my beloved friends here understood and listened and listened and listened for as long as I needed to talk about my pain.
Please check out our healing links on the left. There are lots of wonderful FREE books that you can get at your local library. The first one to read is by Peggy Vaughan called The Monogamy Myth. Also read every word on her website dearpeggy.com
She is a betrayed wife and a counselor. She not only knows your pain but how to help you heal. She is our best friend.
Also Dr. Shirley Glass has a wonderful website with wonderful healing advice.
Write here often we all understand.
Healing happens if you get the poison out. You have children who love and need you. Their love will keep you on the healing path.
There are three types of healing. YOURS, hers, and the marraige. YOU are totally responsible for your healing. You do the necessary work by reading and learning. This is Post Traumatic Stress that you are suffering from, and we all know it so well. It takes time to heal. However, I am here to tell you that healing DOES happen. We old timers write here to tell you we are proof of that. With or without your spouse YOU will get stronger than you ever thought possible.
Lots of us hang out in Open. If you want to check out that board please know it is for FORMER betrayers who write to help us learn and heal from the tragic mistake they made. They write because they want to help us heal and learn. They had no idea the pain they would cause, but because they are truly remorseful they write to help us heal as well as themselves. They share their new found learnings with us and together we grow and help each other.
This is a loving place full of healing. Just be patient with yourself. Eat, exercise, read and write here. You will heal if you read all the healing literature and know you are not alone.
Thank you so much for your kindness. I am feeling much better these last 2 days and reading your note helped me feel a lot less stress. You are right that reading these forums and posting is helping. Just knowing that someone else understands has been a real blessing and the knowledge I've gained is immeasurable.
Truly this sounds like my situation in a nut shell. D Day for me was Sept. 29 I was blown away. He seemed at the time like he wanted to work it out, yet now he tells me that he is not sure he wants to be married. He acts like its my fault and that I should just drop it. We are starting MC but I am not sure what this all means. I never stop him from doing anything so the best I can figure is that he wants multi sex partners. I also feel like people just want me to get over it. The sadness is extreme. I hope all things work out for you. Keep your chin up and remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!
Current Topic - when (if ever) will I feel normal again
