This morning I went to my wife's nightgown drawer to make sure all nities were home while she is on her trip. They are here. I don't think she is with him but i trust but verify. What I did find was a soccer shirt he gave her. She doesn't wear it but she must know it it's there. I think she kept a momento. Should I throw it away before she gets home or wait to discuss it. We don't communicate well. I think I am giving up anyway but haven't left yet.What have others done. She won't be home till tommorrow night so I have time to think about my action. It just ads to the anxiety while she is away.
One thing I have learned in all this, for me, is how incredibly important verbal intimacy is for me to feel attracted to my H. I don't know if "verbal" is the right word but talking about deep stuff. Getting into our heads.
When you said you don't "communicate well" I wondered, is that now? Or is that all the time? Are there ways you could change your approach and facilitate better communication?
One thing I am having to learn is to listen better. One book says, when recovering, the talks can be so threatening that emotions take over. It says pretend you are a mirror. Don't interrupt. TRY to hear them.
There was a story about a man who was not socially successful (excuse that word, it's not quite the right one). He was sent to Japan on business where he did not know the language so he basically just had to sit there listening. But he was fascinated by everything around him and paid close attention to the people and surroundings. The strange thing that happened was....he became very popular on this trip.
I did NOT tell that story well. But the gist is there I think. This is actually a true story.
You are already likely a good listener and fantastic communicator but maybe you could approach this like an experiment. Don't throw the shirt away but acknowledge calmly that you found it and you wonder what it's significance is and then listen.
I'm trying this w/my WS and it is helping as I otherwise ..."start" and can't seem to stop in my upsetness.
And again, watch Mens brains womens brains on u-tube to get "inside" a womans' head. Very informative and entertaining it's a psychologist who uses humor to get his points across. You might even show your W. Good luck, Deb
I am learning the importance of verbal communications to my wife. I had always been the silent type. The OM never shut up. I hated him before the A too. We don't talk about deep stuff but that may be because I always go to the A. Let me try getting deep in another area this week.
I'm willing to try anything. I don't have much to lose. I've pretty much given up but I'm willing try during the time I have left.
The bad communication has been for a long time. I was expecting some progress through MC be it has been very ineffective. We did spend about a half hour on the phone this morning. I caught myself wanting to do other things. I would have passed the call to the kids in 5 minutes before. I am trying. As for the mirror part I do catch myself interrupting and stop myself. Sometimes too late but I will say I am making progress. Even if recovery doesn't work I am a much better person from it. I am getting better but sometimes I wonder if it is for her.
I was terrible yesterday but feel much better today. I knew this trip would be tough on me. I think part of it is we are approaching the one year mark. Maybe we all have recovery expectations for 1 year and find we are not there. I know I am not where I expected to be in a year. It is depressing and frustrating. The surviving infidelity web site mentions sobbing again at twelve months. It says 14 months is better so I have something to look forward too.
I can try the experiment approach this week when she gets home. I did watch mens brains/womens brains and got a good laugh. I needed that, What I am still looking for is the operating manual my wife came with. If some one has an extra I really need to copy one.
Personally, I would discuss it with your wife, and have HER throw it away...and in front of you. I think without the discussion it just gets swept under the rug. That is not a good thing especially when it comes to A's. Me and my WH did not make it...why? For one, he did not want to discuss anything and always felt I would throw the A in his face for the rest of his life...that's notbhow he should have been looking at it...that is a purely selfish standpoint to take. And whether you end up staying together or not...this is about you... you have a right to know why she kept it and you have a right to tell her how you feel about it. It is better to get it out than to keep it inside and let it fester. Just my opinion for what it's worth.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
We have always had a relationship where we divide and conquer problems. I handle the money,cars,and maintenance and she handle kids schedule, birthdays, family events and such. We have never been able to handle conflict. The marriage counselor is making no progress on that. I don't think he's addressing it. If the discussion consists of one of us suggesting something and the other agreeing all is well. But if the other does not agree it gets left for one to decide based on who's category it falls into. I have felt a lack of influence in my marriage but upon reflection I have all the influence in some areas. I'm sure my wife feels the same way about areas she has no influence on. Maybe part of what led to this was we are both not aggressive personalities. Whenever one of us would ask for the others opinion it was usually just "whatever". I think we stopped asking or what the other wanted.
As for the shirt no one says just throw it out and I questioned that action too. That's why I asked for advice. I won't do it when she first gets home but in a couple of days. I'm thinking of moving to the top of the drawer so she sees it when she puts her stuff away after the trip. Maybe that is a cheap way to get her to address it. If I want it addressed I should address it myself though.
Deb I thought about the mens brains video some more. I think I could argue we are role reversed in my house. My wife sits with the remote. She can spend hours on the computer playing bejeweled. It used to be pogo games. She would stay up till 2 or 3 AM and if OM popped on AIM they would chat. Part of me thinks she stayed up hoping he would go online. She still plays games for a while but not at night.
Another problem for my marriage counselor. I was in bed this morning unable to sleep. There's been a lot of that this week. I was thinking of what I need changed so I can stay. In my case I want my wife to get a job and get a new Marriage counselor. The job is so she can have something rewarding to look forward to each day. I think she still has an emptiness to her. The job is for me in that I see her contributing to the household and use the money for vacations or home improvements she wants done. The new Marriage counselor is so that I can see "SHE" is involved in the recovery. I feel I have done all the work so far while she just sits there and watches. I have told her this MC is not working for me and I need a new one. I have sworn at the MC to address my issues. It's not working. She doesn't want to change. I was getting some IC from our MC but because of his ineffectiveness I have gotten a new IC which is helping.
What do we do when our needs conflict with trying to run spouses lives. I realize it's not my place to tell my wife she needs a job. I can't demand that. I relate it to the other posts where one spouse wants the other to stop pot smoking or pornography. We can't run their lives, but what if their action/inactions conflict with our needs? I remember the post where the only needs are food and shelter, but I think we all get to the point where we are ready to split over this stuff. I know a lot of this is communication but it seems like we are not making progress. Anybody got ideas that have worked. Actually even ideas that didn't work could be helpful so I don't make the same mistakes.
After reading the surviving infideilty site I have decided to give things more time. Surviving infidelity says in it's time line you get sobbing and disappointment at twelve months. I've certainly got it. It also says at 14 months "you are able to have a heartfelt happy moment". I really need that. I would hate to think I went through a year of this and bailed just before things get better.
You seem like such a nice considerate guy, I am so sorry you are going through this. In the end we all have to do this in a way that our morals and personality traits allow us to. It is so hard getting out of comfort zones and straying too far is not something most of us can do. So just try to explore the outer limits of your comfort zone in dealing with this issue.
I am not crazy about moving the shirt to the top. Your description of your W is that she is passive aggressive and she may just put the shirt in a safer place and not say anything and this issue needs to be address. Perhaps you should move the shirt to the top of the drawer but also pin a note to it that she cannot possible miss. In the note explain in "I" statements how finding the shirt made you feel, perhaps you could find something that she could relate to that would have brought about the same feelings in her. Also in the letter state that you feel that it would be a good idea to discuss this issue. I think that would be in your comfort zone and still be directly addressing the issue. Would it not?
BTW if it were me. I would have probably burned the shirt and called my husband while it was in flames and told him what I did and why. I was not one to wait on something that was bothering me, this is something I have learned to change somewhat. I choose my battles more carefully now and how they are addressed also. This change has worked better for me, but it has been a long road to get here.
For better communication and conflict resolution skills do the Retrouvialle program. www.retrouvaille.org
Also I have some great articles on this type of things that I have posted before I will try to find them and bump theum up for you.
It could be just me, but am I seeing some new thoughts? ie; some growth?
Bill, I feel like you are pinpointing things about your W and yourself that are really thoughtful and positive. Like you are seeing some of her challenges that are with herself, not just w/you.
I thought I read between the lines that your W has an emptiness in her life/self that could have to do w/her age and/or childrearing etc...
You could have been talking about me! It's incredibly challenging and my H and myself started a similar pattern of "categories" and in our own way "whatevers" befor the A. Which really wasn't a friendly sort of thing.
One thing I THOUGHT I told him clearly was that I needed personal time (we home schooled) and I THOUGHT I said it a million ways. But he never understood. He was trying so hard and caring so much yet my anger and frustration built up until our marriage exploded. And all that time I thought I was perfectly clear and that it was perfectly simple. All that goes back to the listening thing I think. And I was the one not listening more than half of the time.
That misunderstanding is one of the things we've talked a lot about after his A.
So, is this an idea? Shake up the responsibilities. Or maybe shake up who you are. Rediscover cheap or free activities that used to thrill you like ...riding bikes? (if that's a dumb idea I just mean it as a thought process) sounds like money's tight. Also, address the budget thing. On NPR this morning they said rates are now at an all time low which they had NOT predicted. Refinance? shake things up?
Please remember when I write this I'm talking to me too. I feel like I see some similarities here. And I feel that sadness too. Last night in bed I said, "I don't really feel happy. I feel empty." That is the gift of the A. And I cry a lot still. It will be 14 months mid October. As they say "the gift that keeps on giving".
But another gift that I think I'm beginning to recognize is change. I was very resistant to changing and now I feel like I have no choice. I keep trying to figure out how to survive this. My belief has become that the BS suffers a much greater loss than the WS or the OP. But do we also experience much greater growth?
Trying, it's easier in the morning, Good luck, Deb
Bill,
I feel for you. I know where you're coming from on the reminder issue and have mixed feelings on that. Of course it is better to discuss it rationally and tell your wife how the shirt hurts you. However if she doesn't seem to get it or refuses to throw it away or hides it, then what do you do? I had read somewhere that if someone is hitting you with a stick, you don't have to attack them, but also have the option of taking the stick away. Or the shirt away in this case. My wife had communicated with the other man via instant messaging and bought a webcam for the purpose of communicating also. She admitted that she bought it for that reason, but refused to get rid of it. She took it off the top of the computer and put it sort of behind the monitor. Finally after about 1 month of looking at it and being angry, I threw it away myself. I had told my wife later that it really bothered me. I think I had told her that earlier on also. Then she talked about getting another one, for the kids. Huh!? She had received some gifts from him, including a necklace that I saw her wearing once. Very hurtful. Then when contact ended in Apr, I asked her to get rid of the gifts. She said she removed them from the house, but woundn't tell me what she did with them. Finally I told her I couldn't tolerate her keeping the gifts, even if they were out of the house. She understood that she had to get rid of the gifts or our marriage was over. 3 wks after contact ended in Apr, she finally sent the gifts back to him (though she only told me that she did this and did not send them in front of me). I guess my point is that I had almost wished that I would have just taken the necklace and another gift that she had kept in her purse for months and thrown them away myself, rather than begging her to do it. It turned out she had put his gifts into a safety deposit box in the 3 wks before sending them back. The problem is that your wife could refuse to throw out the shirt and hide it somewhere. But then I'm only speaking from my own experience. I would say the more mature thing to do, if you and your wife can do it, is to discuss it, rather than unilaterally getting rid of it. It's frustrating, Bill, when you know what your wife should be doing and you feel like it should be obvious to them, but they just don't do it. I know what you're doing through. It's not fun. Take care and hang in there. Joe
Ami
I like the idea of putting a note on the shirt to bring it up. I am debating if it should be a big note because I sometimes get side tracked in discussions. I have decided it won't be tonight. She shouldn't walk back into am ambush. I have been good to her all week even though I feel bad. Let's continue the kindness approach. Instead I have the laundry done, kitchen clean and fresh flowers waiting for her.
Deb
You are seeing some hope from me. I promised her a year and that is not till the end of October. As long as I am here I will continue to try. Your experiment comment. I will try splitting the roses. 11 in the vase and one on her pillow with a welcome home note. Now the part about you don't know me. With my luck she will come to bed without turning the light on and get stuck with a thorn in the cheek or the eye. If I'm back here at 2 in the morning posting about what "IDIOT" would put a rose on her pillow when it's dark I will never forgive you. She said she needed time as you did but I did not respond. If we can get a decent marriage counselor maybe we can address some issues. I know the emptiness feeling now. I think she had this before. I think my issue is she needs to be more involved in this recovery. I see this a s a common problem, the WS does not want to confront what they have done. I'd like to think it's not she doesn't want to but doesn't know how to. Another issue for a decent MC.
Joe
My wife has not done anything as flagrant as what yours has. I think my wife is trying in many ways. Joe, about your comment of we know what our wives should be doing and it should be obvious to them. Flagrant stuff yes but I have made expectations in my mind for some stuff that is not obvious. Be careful about that because if these expectations are not met it causes us tremendous pain. For your wifes case she needs to get out of the fog and commit to you or let you go. The pain she is putting you through is too much. I wish I had an answer for you because I have followed your posts but unfortunately I don't. All I can do is wish you luck in getting what you want out of this. None of have complete control of where this recovery will go but you seem to have less than I do.
I"ll check back tonight because I should have left for work 15 minutes ago.
I forgot the part about her not doing her part. It seems like we have all the same issues! I feel that way about H. But slowly I am realizing, it is really embarrassing to him. Really horrible. He can hardly face it. Really WANTS it to get better but cannot delve in it a lot. His whole participation in the healing is to "take it" when I have to vent etc.. It's VERY frustrating.
They don't know what it's like. I really believe that. The horror of this "thing" growing in my world and my being entirely unaware of it. The absolute surrealness of it. The nightmare quality. He didn't experience that and I've tried to express it but I really don't think you can say it. You only FEEL it. I never had a clue when I heard about other couples before. Now I would put it at the level of a death.
I don't know if that helps but at least a kindred thing. And my H is a very loving person. He's willing. I think it's almost too painful for him sometimes. (Poor thing)
My first reaction would be to think what I would do in such a situation - and I think that probably (lets say its OWs negligee for example) what I would do would be to don it one night, and slink and simper around in it - this might sound sick (passive aggressive, Ami?) but I THINK I would be using cognitive dissonance techniques through that absurdity and role play to do a full-in-your-face demonstration of the horror of the A and the horror of that thing being in my home.
But everyone is different and I think your situation needs some delicacy.
I remember one of the things that hit me straight away on D-day (wake-up call) was that I longed for a room of my own; not a bedroom of my own, but a space of my own, in which I was not mother, wife, and **** (Job-title) compounded, but simply Daisy - somewhere that I could leave my books open, or my drawings half-finished, somewhere without childrens scribblings, dirty laundry, or household paperwork. An independent-ish rather than private place, not because I have secrets, but because otherwise I just feel porous. Your wife may feel the same, if the only place for just her is her nightgown drawer.
And its an identity thing, not a privacy thing. Roles and tasks do not define identity, but they can limit it.
If her sense of identity was being subsumed by these roles, then the A was one way - yes, we all know, WRONG - way to try to fix that.
And as you already have some sympathy for that possibility of identity crisis at this point in her life, and as you two have already exchanged nice messages and flowers etc. whilst she is away, I am wondering if it would be good to capitalise on those feelings and that work? Move things forward in a life-giving way?
For example, the fall semester will be offering all sorts of classes at local colleges etc - might you two go along to an open evening what classes interest you, either together or individually? So that you can both find ways to develop separate identities through shared and separate interests - and doing things together that dont involve children or home? Look through the classified job listings together - taking flights of fancy with both of your identities?
I may be shot down here for suggesting a more softly, softly approach, but it seems like an opportunity to welcome her home because youre pleased to see her and to build upon some positive aspects of the last few days.
I completely agree that the shirt has no place whatsoever in your home. An aboimination, a foreign and soiled object that offends deeply on a number of levels. But it is better that it be disposed of her own volition and understanding of what is acceptable behaviour. I am wondering if it is possible - and I dont suggest this as entrapment, but rather empowerment - to find the appropriate, perhaps quiet, moment to ask her if there are any A/ OM-related miscellany in the house, and to explain how hurtful and disrespectful that would be to you. To give her the chance to prove herself to you.
This might be difficult if you are feeling very angry.
Stick with and and not but.
Hoping you and she have a nice homecoming.
Daisy
"Women are still getting concussion from hitting our heads on the glass ceiling, plus we're expected to windex it whilse we're up there". (Kathy Lette)
For Joe
I was thinking on my way to work. In your situation, is the cell phone in your name and do you control the bill. With verizon I can go online and see one year of old bills. You can't see what was said or texted but you know the numbers she called and texted. And who called her. It will be tough if he only used a cell phone but I would guess he used the house phone when he felt safe. If you study her bill you will recognize most numbers as friends and family. There should be one or two you can't explain and they would be a lot of long calls and at strange times. Google the numbers. It may come back just cell phone but if he used his home phone sometimes and it's in directory assistance it should show on Google.
Deb
You sound like you are starting to see some forgiveness. I think I have seen very brief periods of forgiveness. It's kind of like the the first few times the severe pain would leave for a few minutes. You want to grasp the good feeling and not let it get away. You can't maintain your grasp at the beginning. You are right at the 14 month mark I mentioned from surviving infidelity. I hope the feelings keep getting better and last longer each time. Like your husband my wife is also a very loving person. If we didn't think this way we wouldn't be putting ourselves through this.
Daisy Field
I know I have issues but as we start down this road to recovery I sometimes feel my wife is left behind. The MC has spent almost all his time working on why my actions cause my wife to be unhappy. I know she felt unappreciated. Yes, I am sorry for that. I will not accept it as justification for her actions. It could be from guilt or shame but my wife does not want to get very involved in the MC sessions. That could be why the MC works with me. I am trying to be less involved on purpose so he will talk with her. It has led to some awkward silence at times. As for courses she won't do it. I have suggested cooking, dance or she can tell me what she wants. She says she doesn't have time. I have had soccer night for a couple of years and I think I will do a cooking class without her. I have never been a dancer and would like to take a dance course but that would not be appropriate without her. Her place is she is a baseball fan. We have tickets for 14 home games and try to take a road trip each year. It has always been HER thing without me. I might go to 1 or 2 home games if there is a ticket going unused and I go on the road trip as a family vacation. The trouble with that is my soccer is only 3 hours one night a week for 4 months. Baseball is every night for 5 months. I was definitely feeling like she was walling me out. This year she has invited me to every game, and some nights we cuddle on the bed during the game. Not that I'm that into the game but there is no where else I'd rather be. This summer what we have been doing is walks at the lake. She won't go anymore now that she found out it's hunting season anyway.
Thanks for listening. Communication does feel better even if it is with people I have never met.
Forgive me if I am treading into none-of-my-business territory here, and no criticism or judgement should be inferred - but I couldnt help noting in a previous thread that you Paid for her baseball tickets and gave her money for food.
I am in the luxurious position of earning my own keep and more as actually previously supported my husband financially - but even if I werent I would still completely baulk at not having a (little) money to spend how and when I please, and would feel like I was on a leash. Maybe its just my ignorance of how much baseball tickets might cost - I guess they cost a fortune, and so its no small matter when money is tight, but I know I would hate being dependent on largesse.
Anyway this is just me, and what my personal reaction would be, but I just wondered if it there was something in the identity issues previously aired so thought Id mention it given its something you have already commented on because as you say, you would like to encourage your wife to get a job for the benefits of financial independence and self regard.
Daisy
"Women are still getting concussion from hitting our heads on the glass ceiling, plus we're expected to windex it whilse we're up there". (Kathy Lette)
Daisy
Don't feel bad about asking for an explanation. Trying to help with out understanding the problem can be difficult and frustrating.
My wife is far from on a financial leash. She has credit cards and a checkbook that I don't question. She never sees the bills, and it has been years since I told her funds were a little low so be frugal till the next check comes in. In the chats I found she located a hotel for a good price but couldn't put it on our card. That would seem to be the only limit on her spending. I don't question any bills. If the kids need hair appointments, cloths, gifts for parties, of what she spends on nieces and nephews. She even has a store card in her name only from before we were married that she doesn't open the bill. She leaves it for me since I do all the bill paying.
I am very lucky in the job department. Money has not been an issue. I want her to get a job for the personal pride and self respect issues. I think these are issues that led to the affair and am looking for ways to help her. I know these are her issues to work on but if I don't feel they have been successfully addressed how can I stay.
Baseball is very expensive because we go to one of the more expensive teams but it is not a burden. The 14 home games run about $3300 plus we have gotten a playoff game which will run about another $500 with parking and food. The road trip this year including staying at the same hotel as the team ran about $3000 but it counted as a family vacation. So we are pushing $7000 total.
You nay want to be careful before you start feeling sorry for her. Most people that know us are jealous of her situation. So far this year she has been to the Bahamas, Panama, Florida twice, Baltimore and Myrtle Beach.
She did babysit about 10 years ago and enjoyed having her own money she felt control over. I didn't get involved with what she did. She eventually banked it because she didn't need it for daily expenses and finally put in hardwood flooring she wanted. I know this was a house expense but she has no real expenses. I think it's a perception thing. She doesn't need the money but it gives a feeling of purpose and independence. Ironically these are the same reasons my special needs daughter works.
If communication problems are a major issue, then I think you should seriously consider attending a Retrovaille http://www.retrouvaille.org/) seminar. Other's have attended them, and I know there is a focus on imporoving marital communication, especially in marriages that are on the brink of divorce. I don't know if this has already been suggested to you, but it is something that many will attest to.
I attended something very similar, and it cleared up many misconceptions that my wife and I had regarding communications, and it gave us new insight into how to have difficult conversations without them getting out of control.
The Bahamas, Panama, Florida twice, Baltimore and Myrtle Beach---can I come and be your wife?!? AND I dont like baseball so thats $7000 saved immediately!
More seriously, I was anxious about my post in case it felt like an attack or criticism and put you on the defensive. I didnt word it very well and Im truly sorry if it felt like that.
Please believe me, I do not feel sorry for your wife. If she is feeling a (mid-life?) emptiness, then there are plenty of ways other than an affair she could have begun to fill it with - voluntary work, political causes, creative writing or painting - a whole series of personal goals, accomplishments and achievements that would incrementally open a whole series of other doors of interest and opportunity.
But maybe she is currently stuck in the same place as Joes wife - counting her woes carefully as justification rather than focusing on her blessings.
Daisy
"LIve life like you will die tomorrow; dream as if you will live forever" (old Polish saying)
Further apologies from me - on reflection I guess its just MY issue, this one - I am perhaps overly sensitive to, and exercised about, any possible hints of patriarchal tendency. For example, I remember being gobsmacked when my father-in-law (a socialist, wonderfully kind, very perceptive and intelligent professor) announced some years ago that he had made his last mortgage payment so their house was finally HIS, without any trace of irony. This may sound like it was an innocent enough, unthinking remark - but somehow it wasnt, he clearly regarded the money as HIS money and the house as HIS house, and managed both to convey idea of MIL as chattel and not partner and dismiss her equal contribution to the life enterprise of house and family.
Sorry again for my left foot.
Daisy
"LIve life like you will die tomorrow; dream as if you will live forever" (old Polish saying)
Bill and everyone, I know I refer to my books and articles prob. way too often but it replaces the counselor as I feel I can sift through and pick what rings true for me.
I recall something, about possible sources of vulnerability to an A.
"Inequity"
"...a common belief is that a person having an affair may not be "getting enough"
at home. But the reality is that he or she may not be GIVING enough.
The partner who has invested time and energy in the relationship is like someone who has just put new tires and brakes on their car. When the transmission blows up the think, "I've got too much invested to junk it now." etc..
That is from Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass, Ph.D. Maybe not earth shaking but it came to my mind as I read your story. And it struck me months ago w/my own situation. Just thinkin' Deb
Tom
I am going to ask for retrouvaille at next weeks meeting. I am not making progress at recovery. I think it is because the MC won't deal with her or the A. I think it's time for a new MC. I have told my wife before that this is not working and I need a new MC. She said she couldn't start over again. If one way doesn't work don't keep trying what doesn't work I will try a new way. I will tell the MC he is not working for me and tell him I need a new MC. If he is any good at all and the cleint says it's not working he has to support a new MC.
Daisy
The MC and my IC have been trying to find reasons for the A. To me they seem to be offering me ways to accept it such as mid life, lack of attention etc. I know I have to find a way to accept it but can't grasp one. I think I need to hear from her which means get her involved in the counseling more. I can see me in the mortgage story. About a month ago my 15 year old daughter needed money for something and my daughter said "now I can pay for it". I said "who payed for it" and she "you and Mom paid for it" and wrongfully I said again "who paid for it" and she said "you paid for it". My wife went into the bathroom for half and hour to be by herself. As part of my improvement I did realize something was wrong and asked if it was something I did. She told me she has no input into things. It's all mine as the husband. I admit I was wrong and have found a problem and am working on it. Another one is when she books travel and says she has found a deal before we book I would always go online and see if I can find a better deal. I no longer do that. If she is handling the travel let her do it. I wasn't finding a better deal, only second guessing her and causing bad feelings. I know I am becoming a better husband through recovery. I sometimes wonder for who?? I do realize even if things don't work out I am becoming a better person by going through recovery. I need to "see" her become a better person through recovery as well. Her IC pronounced her healed after about 5 sessions. This was 4 months into recovery. I have my doubts. We still have issues. And the budget I want her on is to free up money for college saving, and to give her a feeling of involvement. I am thinking of an allocations for travel and entertainment that she would run. I would still handle the mortgage and bills but she would have responsibility for some stuff.
Deb
I definitely see I need to get her more involved in parts. As I said before we each have areas that are totally our own that the other fells kept out of. I am now going to baseball games (it was cold last night) and I Take our special needs daughter to a lot of stuff. I need her to get involved in my stuff as well. I have offered and she says she doesn't have time for anything I offer or request. This may become a deal breaker for me. She has hours to spend on facebook etc. and doesn't miss a 4 hour baseball game but if I say let's do something 2 hours per week she's too busy. I shouldn't be that critical because we do go for 4 or 5 mile walks a couple of times per week I need to recognize what she is doing and communicate my wants better. See just typing this helps.
Time to go to soccer. This one is coaching the kids not mine.
Thanks for listening
Bill
PS Daisy, I see you are going on a trip. Try to leave your problems at home and enjoy for a while. The problems will still be here when you get back. If you do end up bringing your problems on the trip try to forget to bring them home. ENJOY YOURSELF
This message has been edited by caniforgiveher on Oct 1, 2009 8:21 PM This message has been edited by caniforgiveher on Oct 1, 2009 8:21 PM
