Eight-month anniversary of D-day is tomorrow (also my daughter and son-in-law's 16th wedding anniversary ( -: ) My 1st post here was this past August on the 5 month anniversary where I wrote a few details of the A.
The" trapped" part is about not wanting to divorce or be alone or lose what WAS a pretty good marriage and make a big mess in the family, etc. Also, my H/WS is a therapist and could lose his business if he is divorced which would mean a huge change for my (our) financial future. However, the bottom line is that I still love him and I also believe in the vows I took, and just because HE broke them, doesn't mean that I can, or want to do so.
The "scared" part is that it was an ugly LTA in which I was basically abandoned as a wife and woman, and used as cook, housekeeper, secretary and sometime companion and conversationalist. The jealousy, shattered self-esteem, grief, shock, denial (still), RAGE are tearing me to pieces and I'm just not sure that I can move past it, even if time does soften the pain. It's just TOO MUCH. I was so ROBBED during those years and NOW I am robbed as I try to deal with this huge blow to my life. I keep finding out more ugly stuff they did and places he took her that were special to us. I still feel like an alien out in public, as if there is something wrong with me - I am so shamed by his behavior even though I do know that it had nothing to do with me, ALL his choice, but he used some resentments he had to "justify" his adultery. This again had much more to do with his immaturity than with me. I was a prime enabler, but did have "a life" outside of his high-maintenance demands on me and he resented that.
The "tiny ray of hope" is that he is TRYING, sometimes not very well, but he will listen to what I tell him I need and then do it as best he can. He says over and over that he doesn't want to lose me and loves me. We are in therapy, together and separately and he admits that he totally lost himself in selfishness and entitlement and self-indulgence and lust. But can I live with someone who could do those things? By the time I may possibly get to a better place, I will almost be an old lady. Can I keep my self-respect and stay with him? I don't (maybe can't) know the answers to any of these questions.
Thank you for listening and caring. I read and re-read posts and print them out for my notebook. I am also attending Al-Anon which is very comforting and helpful. Maybe I need to go to more than one meeting a week.
I feel that little ray of hope, but then black despair sweeps over me and I just can't seem to pull out of it.
TO A FRIEND WHO IS NOWHERE NEAR BEING AN OLD LADY AND WHO I HOPE WILL GROW OLD DISGRACEFULLY SOMETIME - LIKE ME
Right at the beginning of all this, I told my husband that he needed to sort out his self-esteem issues PRONTO (by himself, for himself) or he would end up a very sad and lonely old man. (I actually suggested a LONG walk in the Hindu Kush)
Your husband too.
Perhaps the sense of entitlement you refer to was somehow bound up with an impending sense of mortality?
And he has to do more than just sort out his issues - hes got to win you back. And fight very very hard to keep you. And you are so worth fighting for. And he knows this. He made a very poor choice the way he chose to make himself feel better about himself. Your independence and life outside had nothing to do with it beyond him feeling too little to manage these things for himself. And he needs to replenish all the things you have been robbed off. (except for loss of innocence which he can do nothing about, its gone now)
The great thing is - you DO have independence and a life outside AND now you no longer need to be cook, housekeeper or secretary, or anything else you dont want to be. Hurray!
YOU can now become high maintenance - of yourself, FOR yourself. And he needs to be reminded that you are first and foremost a woman (and not a cook, housekeeper or secretary) and have a womans needs. He has been too concerned with misinterpreting his own needs for the past five years and not thinking about yours at all. That is the way of it, and as we often read - it is not about GETTING enough, it is about GIVING enough. If he can only just get that bit, then he will do better than just trying.
It is not you who has lost, or is in danger of losing, your self-respect (in fact, it sounds the opposite, as if you are gaining in self-respect) - it is HE who has lost self-respect AND your respect, and he needs to sort that out with a huge amount of humble self-examination and work and gain back both.
The statistics for affairs are very very high, and of those, 70% of marriages stay together and mend. That means a huge number of people asking precisely the same question as you (and me) - can we live with someone who could do these things?
And therefore with 70% there are many people answering in the affirmative - for many multi-layered and complex reasons.
Not least, starting over together - hard, yes, but what an adventure it could be, but then I guess the best adventures are always hard, because otherwise they wouldnt be an adventure.
Daisy x
"LIve life like you will die tomorrow; dream as if you will live forever" (old Polish saying)
Bless you Daisy for making me smile and for your to-the-point and wise comments. I WAS going to finish the laundry and then work on the checkbook, but instead I'm going to go for a walk and then go get my nails done!
I know you are right about the adventure. I guess I'm afraid I won't have the courage, but then it can only be done "one day at a time". I remember someone here at HH who wrote that in the first months or even years after D day, you just have to "walk the walk and see where it gets you". So I think I can walk the walk of a woman who is going to stay married, but for whom many things will be different, maybe even better.
Cathy , you can stay and regain yourself.. keep the marriage..
the first part is that your H is doing what he needs to do.. that is the plus..
I know you are hurting, and will never forget.. the but is that there is LIFE after an A and you can have a great relationship with your H..
there are quite a few of us who are still with our S's following A's.. lots of hard work was done is still being done but it is one day at a time..learning from the past and moving on..
Post often and let the rage out.. hels the healing..
sorry this is short but traveling..
(((hugs)))
pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
8 months is not very long. I have read that the longer the A...the longer and harder the road of R. If it was a LTA, it is going to take a LONG time. There's no way around it. No short-cuts. LTA's are the hardest to overcome for so many reasons which I am sure are obvious to you as you are living it right now. The damage is complex and so far reaching.
But, that is not to say that it cannot be done. It can.
Your H's WILLINGNESS to do whatever he can to make amends and his participation in IC/MC are very encouraging signs.
Maybe yours will be a 'success' story:-)
On the flip side to that, maybe it will become more apparent, over time, that his LTA is a deal-breaker afterall.
And, THAT is OK, too.
You may find that you are simply unable to accept and incorporate his betrayal into your life in an emotionally managable way. Some hurts are just too deep.
Either way this turns out, you will have no regrets for trying your heart out to R and for giving your WH a 2nd chance.
Your self-respect and dignity will be retored either way....because your H will DO what it takes OR you will be done.
(((((Cathy))))
"It's a mad mission, under difficult conditions. Not everybody makes it to the loving cup. It's a mad mission, but I got the ambition. It's a mad, mad Mission. Sign me up." -Patty Griffin
My H's A lasted for about 4 1/3 years. I found out about it the first time about 1 month into the A. I saw a HORRIBLE IC who was useless and added to the problem, as her solution was that my H promised NC and I didn't want a divorce, so end of problem. Not surprisingly, my H simply took his A to work, and I wanted desperately to believe he was being honest, so I didn't make the demands I would make today.
DDay #2 was about 1 1/2 years after his A had ended. When it ends doesn't change the pain a BS feels. I'm not sure that the length of an A makes that much difference in the time needed for healing. What I believe is more important is what the WS does. My H lied for an entire year after DDay #2. When I finally got the rest of the story, healing could begin, but his lying set me back at least a good six months.
After MANY years of IC and multiple months of MC, I have gotten to the point of understanding, accepting, and BELIEVING that my H's A was truly all about him and his problems in coping with life. OW could have been any woman willing to have an A with him. Believe me, she was nothing special.
When my H and I married, I already knew my family was major screwed up (I didn't find out just how much until years later, but that's another story!); however, my H refused to see or accept that his FOO was very troubled, too. His refusal even to consider that his family was messed up added to his problems.
After DDay #3 (after the year of lying), my H began working on himself in earnest. The harder he worked to understand how he could have given himself permission to have an A, the safer I felt. We saw a different IC individually and for MC. She was WONDERFUL, and I give her huge credit for making the breakthroughs that helped heal our marriage. But without our doing the hard work, her work would have been wasted. It takes all three.
My H accepted full responsibility for his choices, showed me tremendous remorse, put in place boundaries, and decided he hated the man he had been during his A and never wanted to be that man again. I can not control him; only he can. The only was I could feel safe enough to stay in the marriage was to see that my H had changed for HIS sake, not for mine. Sure, I benefit from the changes, but more importantly, he liked the way he became. He felt good about the changes because he made them for himself.
My H still has OCPD, but when it flares, now he listens to me when I tell him that his OCPD is showing. He seldom gets angry, and when he does, he maintains infinitely better control of himself. He takes responsibility for his behavior in ways he NEVER did prior to the IC and MC we had.
We have been through the fire together in dealing with his A, our teen daughter's pregnancy (we now have an adorable one-year-old grandson), our older daughter's depression, and our own health issues. But we have tools for dealing with these problems that we did not have before.
We are very much in love with each other today. If you had asked me even three years ago (our Dday #2 was five years ago) if our marriage would survive, I would not have been certain. Today I am confident in saying yes.
Please remember that our WS didn't take a day to get into the A, and they won't take a day to get their brains clear. They need time to understand their behaviors and time to change them. As long as you see that your WS is making positive changes and taking 100% responsibility for his A, then it's OK to feel even a tiny bit positive. Our WS need us to tell them we see positive changes and that we aren't giving up on them and giving them time to grow and change.
Hang in there.
ff
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