My wife of 29 years had a 3 year affair with her married plastic surgeon (10 yr patient).Wife is one of seven children, only daughter. Father died and she was very depressed, she was daddy's little girl. He called her to say how sorry he was and said he was here if she needed someone to talk to and gave her his cell phone number. He called her constantly to talk and invited her to dinner in NYC. She accepted and ended up at his apparment and had sex. the relationship continued once a week for three years. Once confronted he gave her a seperate phone to contact him and they continued to meet 3 months when I was away on business I filed a claim with the state medical board and several hospitals. He has lost his hospital prividgels and may lose his medical license for having sex with a patient. He dumped her telling his wife he only told her what she wanted to here to get sex. Post 2years, I still have horrible dreams, every morning I wake up it is the first thig I think about, probably 10 times a day and before I go to bed. My children and I have forgiven my wife, sex is great, but I consantly look at her lying in bed and feel as though I am the OM looking at her and is this how she acted with him. I also feel inadaquate because of his position in life he is said to be one of the best plastic surgeons in the world. My psychiatrists says I can't forgive myself. Is it wrong to take his medical license due to the affair.
Welcome to our site. A lot of what you've described are feelings that I've experienced too. What you're experiencing seems to be a common human reaction to adultery.
You asked the question, "Is is wrong to take his medical license..". I don't think you did anything wrong. The medical board won't take his license if he has not violated the medical ethical code. If he violated the medical code of ethics, then he authorities need to be informed to make a proper judgement and determination. There are reasons that doctors are not to have relationships with patients. First, patients are emotionally vulnerable and your wife was even more so given the other circuimstances in her life. A person who takes advantage of emotionally vulnerable people is a predator. Second, doctors who are emotionally involved with their patients have less objective medical judgement when treating them. A parallel question may be would you and your wife be comfortable seeking treatment from a doctor who had a history like this doctor?
Also, while I'm not and expert in these matters, it seems possible, even very likely, that his punishment will be less severe that a perminant ban from praticing medicine.
This message has been edited by tomj76 on Oct 25, 2010 11:39 AM
I am so sorry you are hurting. I completely agree with Tom's post. That doctor took advantage of your wife, a patient of his. He knew doing was unacceptable, and yet he did so anyway. Some people think they are above the rules; perhaps this man is one of those people.
At two years out from DDay #2, I was still in a great deal of pain and uncertain whether or not I wanted to stay married to my H. It wasn't until he found a new IC who helped him dig much deeper into his issues than the first therapist he saw that I felt safe to stay in the marriage. Has your wife had therapy to help her figure out how she was able to give herself permission to cheat? Until she figures out why, tells you the complete truth, is genuinely remorseful, and takes complete responsibility for her actions will you feel safe to stay in your marriage.
BS often feel guilt associated with an A. If you are like me, you feel too much responsibility for what happens to others. That is falacious thinking as we can only control ourselves. The doctor CHOSE to cheat with your wife, and now he is facing what my therapist calls natural consequences. This man knew what the rules were as well as the consequences. Getting caught meant his wife found out about the A (because like you, she was a BS), and now she has a chance to make decisions about her life, something she couldn't do before because she was ignorant of his behaviors. In addition, other patients and their families may be spared the pain you and your family have been through.
A book about forgiveness that helped me immensely is Janis Abrahm Spring's book, "How Can I Forgive You?" Perhaps it will help you forgive yourself because even though you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong, you have feelings that are troubling you.
Last night my wife attempted suicide and is in intensive care. The next 24 hrs are critical. Can't sleep, never have felt this bad in my life. Ironically the Medical Board called today and informed me they notified the doctor's attorney that the board would accept nothing short of license revocation. What good is this victory if my wife does not make it. Her note to me said she is so sorry for what she has done to me, she never stopped loving me and can no longer face me, family or friends. I am a good man and did not deserve this. I am sorry I was so tough on her, but it just hurts so much.
Tomand FF, thanks for your kind words, please keep her in your prayers.
I am saddened to learn of your wife's suicide attempt. She must be in tremendous pain and feeling overwhelmed with guilt. I daresay she was or is depressed which would only increase her feelings of hopelessness.
While my H didn't attempt suicide, he admits that the thoughts occurred to him because he didn't want to face the magnitude of his actions. I can't imagine the pain and fear you are going through right now; however, my youngest brother committed suicide in 1994 at the age of 24, so I do know how awful dealing with suicide can be.
Work with your therapist to help you not feel guilty about her choices. In most cases, I believe suicide is a choice people make when they feel so overwhelmed with pain and so hopeless about the future that they can no longer deal with their anxiety. I am sorry your wife is in such pain, but the good news is that she CAN get better, as can you and your marriage.
I hope she is doing better.
Please remember what my therapist told me: my H loved me, but he had huge issues of his own that he was able to give himself permission to cheat. His cheating didn't mean he didn't love me. It meant he didn't love himself.
I am so sorry for ALL you are going through. But you must believe YOU did not cause any of this. As much as you love her, she did this, not you. I know it is hard to not feel guilt, but these were not your choices no matter how hard you were on her. She simply lacks the skills to deal with HER issues. This is something she has to learn (with the help of a skilled therapist) and you cannot do it for her. As was said, she can get better. Also, as was said, affairs have nothing to do with love...
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I'm sorry that your wife chose to deal with this situation by making matters worse. I will pray that she recovers from this, not only that she'd recover her health, but that she will recover emotionally as well. From watching my wife and other wayward spouses, I understand on some level the deep guilt feelings. Just so you know, this situation has occured before with someone who was posting on this forum.
I'd caution you to not feel guilty for her decision and her actions. You can't take responsiblity for her choices. The pain you expressed is real, and part of the consequences of adultery. Choosing to solve the problem in this manner does not help anyone involved.
Instead, there is hope to be found. Miracles of healed marriages do occur. When both spouses are willing to deal with their own feelings after the adultery is disclosed, when there is repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation, the relationship is healed. Sure, there will be reminants of the wound, and hearts will occasionally ache over that past injury. However, the relationship can be restored, the trust rebuilt, and acts of heartful love can be given.
My heart goes out to you and your wife. I truly hope that she will be better soon.
I unfortunately have more experience with suicide than I would like. My best friend since High School has attempted suicide five times that I know of. It is not an easy thing to deal with. My feelings have ranged from terror for her, to blame on myself, to extreme anger for putting her children through all of this turmoil. It took me along time to get past what her problems have done to her kids. However, today I have reached a point of acceptance with her mental disorder.
My friend is prone to depression, it is beyond her control to stop this without help. I know this. It is most likely that your wife is also prone to depression. The last time my friend tried suicide I did some heavy research to make sure she got the best care possible. She chose not to go to the best facility I found, saying that it was too far. It was a bit further, but not that bad. After she completed the in-house program she promised to faithfully attend the bi-weekly group counseling sessions for the next several months. She attended the first and a couple here and there afterwards, but that was about it. She did meet with a counselor outside of the program for about 4 to 5 months, but she no longer does that either. I am not sure whether she is still on her meds or not, I am not her mother I am her friend so I dont pry too much for fear that I will push her away. People with mental disorders such as this are usually their own worst enemy. I have reached the point where I know there is a good possibility that I will loose her to this problem, and while I am not happy about it, I am certain that I am powerless to stop it.
You are absolutely positively not at fault for her decision to take such drastic measures. You have not been too hard on her, her actions caused her distress, and her decision to not get help when her depression spun out of control, is in her hands not yours. It is so easy for her to relinquish control, particularly when you are so willing to take it. This is not helping her, but hurting her. You cannot cure her. It is likely her depression is one of the reasons she allowed herself to enter an affair in the first place. Just as you could not have stopped the affair you could not have stopped her attempt on her life.
My advise to you, is to make sure she gets in the best possible in-house program; do your research. Then make sure she gets a counselor that she likes and that is experienced with people with your wifes disorder. The most effective treatment is a combination of medication, individual, and family counseling.
David, many of us going through affair recovery whether BS or WS have suicidal thoughts that can get to the point where we are at deaths door, most of us are able to back off at the last minute. I know I was there and was able to come back because of fear of what my actions would do to my kids. Those who cannot back off have, as I have said above, a mental disorder. This was totally out of your hands.
I never thought my life would come to this. My wife finally sat up and said a few words to me " sorry I embarresed you again" then she just started to cry and becane extreemly emotional. Doctors asked me to leave so she could calm down. Two other doctors arrived to examine her and spent over an hour talking to her. finally the doctors came out of the room to speak with me. They said my wife is very depressed and still a threat to herself. They have petitioned the court and received a verbal commitment order for 5 days until the judge can read her medical reports. The doctors are psychiatrists from the Crisis Management Center. They said they will be able to get a 30 day commitment from the judge once he reads the report. She will not be able to see any visitors for the first week, she needs to consentrate on getting well before she can take the stress of seeing her family. I will be able to talk to her twice a day. What the hell! I just don't know what the future holds for her.
I took a walk and took a seat in the family waiting room. Her mother sat next to me and with a tone of voice I had never heard from her, she asked what did I do to her daughter that made her act this way. I looked at her for a moment and wanted to just let it all out, instead I just said I have loved her more than anything I have on this earth, if thats a crime then I'm guilty and I'll have to pay the price. I walked into the hall and was met by two of her brothers, they gave me a big hug and thanked me for not getting into an argument with their mother. They said they know how much I love their sister.
I am truly sorry for the pain you are in and for finding yourself in such a place. I know this is not easy. No one here doubts your love for your wife, we all love our spouses even when they hurt us so bad.
Please find some help for yourself also. This is not easy and you need someone to talk to about this that can help you cope.
Again, I am so sorry this is happening. But It sounds like your wife is in the right place to get help. That is very good.
I stayed at the hospital last night trying to sleep in a chair in the waiting room; hardly slept. A doctor woke me up around 5:AM,identified herself as a neuropsychologist. she told me she had a special place in her heart for my wife and had asked the crisis management doctors for permission to speak with my wife. It was obviously granted;she spent two hours talking to my wife last night.She told me she understood my wife and quickly connected with her. She went on to tell me that after 17 years of marriage she comitted adultry and attempted suicide. I was dumfounded that she would tell me such personnel information. The crisis team knows her past and thought an intervention from her would be helpful. She only does this when someone has a serious problem. She did not give me any details and said your wife wants to talk to you. she left me with this thought. Most husbands feel that this a time in their marriage when their wife least deserves their love,the husbands that realize that its a time when she needs it the most can recover from this and go on to have a stronger marriage. I walked in to her room and it was as if I had just fallen in love with her again. I don't think she will need the 30 days. Thanks doctor!
My wife seems to be doing much better, at least when she sees me she has a smile on her face instead of crying. She has befriended her neurophysiologist and I can see a strong bond developing. All I know is that when that doctor leaves my wife, she leaves her in an incredible state of mind. After her last visit, my wife said she wanted to talk to me,(she has refused to talk in detail about the affair)and made the following statement. First I want you to understand that I love you and want to make this marriage work. Second the reason I'm in the hospital has nothing to do with you.It was a selfish way to escape from the problems I caused instead of facing them. You have been a great husband, great father and most of all my best friend. I guess your wondering why I had the affair? Sometimes I don't completely know myself, but I am willing to talk to you about it when I complete therapy.I hope you will give a chance, I promise to answer any question you have if you wait until I am able to cope with the situation first. Could I say anything but yes?
When I was leaving the hospital, I saw her doctor who was having a conversation with another doctor. She ask him if they could continue their conversation later and was motioning me to come to her office. She asked me if my wife had a conversation with me tonight. I said she completely caught me off guard with her thoughts. I asked how did she come so far in such a short time? She said the journey is far from over, so be supportive and you will be able to rebuild your marriage like I did. She said that doctor I was talking to is my husband. Her beeper went off so she had to go, but left me with these words; there is no man who can feel her pain or know how she feels and there will never be, because are men, and no women will understand unless she has walked a mile in your wife's guilt ridden shoes. This doctor is amazing!
The doctor sounds like a person who has genuine compassion and a desire to help others heal--excellent traits in a physician.
I think men can feel the same kinds of pain as women. I have no doubts whatsoever that the pain you feel as a BS is akin to the pain I and every other BS feel. Gender isn't what matters. Pain is pain. That said, your wife is smart to focus on her healing first. When she feels stronger, she will be able to help you and your marriage heal.
I so looked forward to get my life back in order, but I guess I'll have to waite a little longer. My wife did not have a good day today it was like groundhog day again. She slipped back into her depressed mood. She was transported to the crisis center this afternoon. The psych doctor said he would rather have her deal with her problems for now and requested I not contact her for a few days. I don't know why, I just have these crazy visions of these type of hospitals from television growing up and they are not pleasant. I know she is in good hands, I guess its just the stress playing games with my head. I hope she will be able to come home for Thanksgiving, I have three children seeking answers, they are all out of state attending college. They have no knowledge of the affair and I really do not know how to handle it. I want to be honest with them, but her brothers tell me it will only comlicate matters. Her mother and brothers are the only people who have knowledge of the affair. The two Psych doctors said it would be better if the children did not know and just leave it as depression.. The neuropsychologists said I should talk to my children and make them part of the solution, not part of the problem.
My IC told me to tell the children what is appropriate for their age but not to lie. You say your children are in college, then they are adults and deserve the truth of the matter so they can deal with it as well. I am no doctor though and you have to do what you feel is best. My daughter, who is 16 got more upset with me for covering for her father because she felt we were both deceiving her at that point. So I don't know exactly what to tell you. But unless she has had suicidal tendencies in the past and I'm not sure that mere depression is going to suffice. This is their mom, not a distant relative and it seems so vague. Again, your call, you know them better than anyone.
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Cal, thanks for your response. My IC said I should treat the children as adults, its part of life and they need to understand that. The cat is out of the bag on this one, face it now or face it later. Later will much harder once they know you lied to them. I really feel that I did not do anything to justify my wife's affair, but somehow I feel guilty she is in the hospital and I actually fear talking to my children, its as though we let them down as parents. The kids will be here tomorrow, I don't know how they will react. All three are very close to their mom. She has been the educator of the family and the reason all are on scholarships. My IC said to only answer questions about who, when and how long at this time. The kids will want to know why, just tell them their mother will address that when she completes therapy. Its easy for him to say that, I feel that my son who is 22 is going to have the hardest time accepting this, several friends of his parents are divorced because of affairs and he has developed a real distain for anyone involved in an affair. He is very vocal and not affraid to let someone know how he feels. Hope all goes well
More than 10 years ago I learned that my husband of 30 years had betrayed me. Today we are together and the healing of that nightmare is finally behind us. I am grateful he earned the right to a second chance. My husband is truly remorseful for the horror he caused in our life and the lives of our children.
One year after I learned the truth WE told our college aged children. We told them together. Each child separately.
Their reactions were not what I expected. They love their father. They are a part of each other. Today years later it is for my children, as if none of this has happened.
For me it is in our past. The pain is a memory. It no longer devours my every thought. It is kind of like having an operation. You remember the fear, the terror, but are grateful it is in the past.
Your wife's guilt is not your fault. She has to learn to live with the horrible choice she made, and you need to learn to live with the pain of all you have endured. Your children do deserve to know the truth, but not necessarily immediately.
Please check out dearpeggy.com She has loads of valuable information including telling the children. Her basic advice is always in affair recovery heading towards the truth for all hurt parties.
I told the kids Daddy and I were having problems. They found me hiding in various rooms of our home crying hysterically. Eventually we told them what had happened.
My middle son held each of our hands and said " you are my mother, you are my father, I love you both and hope you can work this out". It was the single greatest healing factor for me. His love for each of us allowed my cold heart to feel again.
My oldest sat with his hands folded across his chest and said nothing. Hate spewing from his eyes, to me it felt as if the hate was directed at BOTH of us... words were never spoken.
My youngest cursed her father out. All three were college students at the time. Today all three adore their father.
If at all possible having your wife involved in the conversation would be best... but your situation is delicate. Perhaps simply telling the kids their mother is depressed has made unwise choices and she will tell them when she is better able to might be sufficient for now. I would never lie, just be as honest as possible and say this is something better told to them when their mother is better.
Please know that healing IS possible. There are three types of healing. Hers, yours, and the marraige. Each requires lots of hard work and love. There are wonderful sources of help available in our helpful links to the left. Lots of wonderful healing books and therapy are what helped me survive the worst nightmare of my life. Today I am grateful I allowed my husband to EARN a second chance. He has done everything to prove his actions are honorable and this was the worst mistake of his life. I wish you and your family all the best.
This is a wonderful place of healing. The friends I have made here have saved my life and sanity. You will get the best advice from loving friends here who truly know your pain.
Unfortunately your wife will have to face the consequences of her actions regarding the children as well at some point. They will feel a wide range of emotions, just as you did on D-day. They will be confused and they will feel their world is falling apart and they will not understand how their mother could do this. Then there are those who are angry and do not understand affairs and will blame the betrayed parent. Be prepared, it happens sometimes, even though you did nothing wrong.
Another approach is to take them to your IC and have a family session. He/she can help them deal with the emotions and help them understand while you answer their questions. If you are scared your IC can help you through this and be there for support as you tell them. I originally did that on D-Day 2 because I kicked WH out and my children were ages 5, 10, and 15 and I had no support and I was so scared to tell them the wrong thing because I didn't want to make things worse for them. I felt i just couldn't do it by myself...
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha