Well I told them. It wasn't at all how I had planned, but then I am finding that in this horrid thing called adultery, nothing goes as planned.
H. and I had a fight this afternoon overheard by our youngest. Later he called to ask me to tell the other two and I told him I would. He told me that I didn't have to do it then, but maybe in a few days when I had time to think about it. However, about 10 minutes later, my oldest calls me cause the youngest texted him telling him I had something to tell him. So there you go.
I didn't get to talk long with my oldest as he was out and about. But he basically knows what is going on and we agreed to talk about it later when he has more time.
I then proceeded to call my daughter. She was very kind and understanding. It was as all of you have said - she knows that I spent 5 years trying to make it work, but it didn't work out and now it is time to move on. She assured me that I had not ruined her life or anything like that.
I'm very thankful that at least this is over with. I don't have it weighing on me now.
Thanks for all your help and advise. It's still a work in process, but at least right now, it seems to be headed down the right path.
" The best laid plans of mice and men..." I suppose. Glad that it is finally out there and you are feeling the pressure lifted.
I hope nothing but good things for your family from here on out and good for you for being so brave.
I can't tell you how happy I am that this secret that has been weighing on your mind worked itself out on it's own. Like, we talked about, God always is in control, not us, but Him. Your faith is so strong and that's the reason you've been able to hold on as long as you have and I'm sure your children see that and will help them understand how hard you have tried to make it work.
Your son hearing the argument started things in motion and it went from there. I know their will still be more talking to go through, but it's nice to know that your daughter understands. What a wonderful thing for you to know that she's there for you. That is so important, I don't know what I would have done without my own Mom, being there for me. She had been through it 3 times, bless her heart and I would give anything to have her here with me now.
It's amazing how much of a role your children play in things like this. My daughter told me to leave her Dad, the stress was more than she could bare and she saw how it was affecting my life also. She moved out at 18, so thanks to her Dad, I missed out on her senior prom, etc. She begged me during the year before to leave, but I didn't listen. I sure wish I had, as things are so bad right now.
The one thing that I wanted to share with you is how both of my daughters now blame me for messing up their Dad's life, as now he is depressed and un-happy. The way he is acting is how she should have responded 27 yrs. ago. But now, my mood is one of un-happiness which is affecting him. After the A, I either was crying, arguing, depressed, hurt, etc. plus he was at work so wasn't around it 24/7. So welcome to my world, like I told him.
I got another lecture from this same youngest daughter yesterday, you had told me to leave him years ago, that I needed to exercise, get out of the house, etc. Not to live in the past and enjoy the future as who knows how much time we have left. She has no idea what I have dealt with, except the A and she has seen some of the drinking, but not to the extent that he has done. The meanness and lying, control that she is not aware of.
She told us to get in the car, go on some trips, etc., we can't even be in the same room sometimes, as we are both so stressed and we have nothing to say to each other. So, put us in that car and it's not a good situation.
I'm sorry this was so long, I just wanted to make the point that you had a good response from your children, which was great and I agree with you, you never know how your children are going to respond to an A. I only wish my children wouldn't take sides and realize that their Dad isn't always the person that they think he is and would have some idea what I've been through with him in the 50 yrs. we've been married.
Hugs to you and happiness that at least this part of your worry is past for right now.
This message has been edited by Memories23 on May 1, 2012 11:00 PM
Well apparently it didn't go as well as I thought. My oldest said he couldn't talk at the moment cause he wasn't at home. He told me that when I needed to talk more, to give him a call. So I thought everything went well. However, contrary to not being able to talk to me, he called his brother to tell him that I am just doing this for attention and that I will majorly jeporadize our finances as a result of this. My youngest was quite upset at what his brother said. I sent a text to my oldest telling him to let me know when it would be a good time for the two of us to talk, but as of yet I have not heard back from him.
Pray that this goes well better than I expect and that God intervenes and opens his eyes to the truth.
Do call your son and set a time to talk to him.. he is using scare tactics with your youngest son.. doing the what ifs'.. and that is unfair.. or he is looking at the possibilities that when you leave your H.. your then XH will remarry and therefore his inheritance will decrease.. sad to say that there are some adult children out there that are counting on a payoff from their parents..
one good friends tells her children when she and her H plans a trip that she is using their future inheritance to fund their trip.. we all laugh, but it is so true.. she and her H have worked hard and they are enjoying some fun trips now.
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I'm sorry things aren't going as well as you thought. It does sound like some selfishness going on, that is, the part of your oldest son. Why aren't you more important than finances and you sure shouldn't be taken the blame for something you didn't do. It's also so un-fair that the youngest son is being put in the middle, maybe your daughter can intervene on your behalf with your oldest son.
I have talked before with my IC concerning my oldest. He said that this is his way of dealing with the affairs. He is basically choosing not to deal with them, unfortunately.
As for my daughter, I don't think she would make any progress with my oldest. She already knows how he is and she knows that he is not going to listen to her.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he will begin to understand. I know that this isn't easy. But honestly, I don't know what this is like for them because I never had to go thru this. Infact, even in my extended family, there were very very few relatives that divorced.
He did send me a message back and we are to talk tomorrow night since I am going to be gone tonight. So continue the prayers. The thing I don't want to do is give my son examples of his father's bad behaviors and choices. I just want him to respect my judgement, not judge me or condemn me. I don't expect him to feel right about this. I just don't want to be condemned by him and I don't want for this to further distance him from me.
I'm glad that your son is going to get in touch with you so that you can talk. That's a good first step for both of you. I will be saying a prayer that everything goes as you want it to and that he doesn't condemn or judge you in anyway, as he really shouldn't. You've bent over backwards to keep your family together and also your marriage and he should know that when you talk to him.
God, will be there with you, He already is or else, your son wouldn't have agreed to meet with you.