I found out about my husband's affair on May 18th. After a long talk with me and with our priest, he agreed to end it. He actually continued it and sent me a text message on May 21st that he loved her and wanted a divorce. His friend had (what I call) a 'come to Jesus' talk with him on Friday, May 25. My husband later called and asked if he could talk with me that weekend (to which I agreed.) He told me he would do ANYTHING to save our marriage. I agreed to give him one more chance. I found that he was still talking to her (via Google Talk) as late as June 3rd. I believe that talking with her constituted a continuance of the affair. The last knowledge I have of any contact between the two of them was June 3rd.

He's been reading the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald M.S. I believe it is helping him make a difference.

Obviously, I have seriously abbreviated the events of all this but I have a question... On June 8, 2012, we would have been together 20 years. Our 10th wedding anniversary is October 20, 2012. How do you even count this? Are we starting out from year 1 again? If we do make it through this and are able to save our marriage, will we even really even have a 10th anniversary? As I see it, I am the only one who made it to 20 years. If I want to 'celebrate' (not right now) 20 years together, do I move the date to take out the time the affair lasted? I know this may seem trivial, but it's not to me. How do you deal with this?

Hi Susie, I am so sorry that you had to find this site..

I don't think that there are any rules to deal with anniversaries.. I have been married 43.. I celebrate the good stuff in my life my kids.. and that my H and I are working on our relationship.. I down play the anniversary. H cheated on and off for 32 years ( last 9 yrs he has been faithful.).. we go out for dinner and that is it.. I understand what you are saying .. it isn't trival at all.. I think that you find something that works for you and reevaluate the situation 3 or 5 years down the line..I am more forgiving now that I was 7 or 8 years ago.. each year is better..

There are some great books out there to help both you and your H heal.. come post often it helps so much..

hugs,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Susie: So sorry for your struggle. This is such a horrific thing to process. Glad you found this board. There is comfort here.

Your question means a lot to me. My 30th anniversary is this month. My Dday was in 10/10. The first year was a total wash for me. I also kicked back the year before as that was when the A was going on. But, this year, I have a new attitude. (or maybe I should say..I'm working on a new attitude)

I'm taking it day by day. My FWH is doing that, too. We have a little chicken chalk board in the kitchen. Today he made 12 slash marks on it and wrote, "Another Good Day". That basically means...another good day without me having a meltdown or back-sliding.

My point for you is this: Even though some of your time together is tainted, what marriage doesn't have bad days?? Granted, ours are REALLY bad days, but why ruin today if you don't have to. Who knows how many we have left.

Try to take it a day at a time. You are so fresh into the mess. Don't try to plan for what the day will be like. If your WH is doing all he can to make your life happy again, let him. It's gonna take a lot of time to heal the wounds, but why miss out on the potential happiness while your waiting?

I know. A lot of this is easier said than done. When I was just a few weeks /months into the trauma, I wouldn't have been able to follow this advice, but I promise you, it's worth the effort...it's worth the effort IF and only IF, your WH is doing what YOU ask to move forward.
I sure hope that is the case.

Take good care of yourself. You need to run the show now. It's all about you. Ask for all you need. Good luck.


Hope & Hugs,
Shawn
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/
Open for business with a few minor adjustments

Hi Susie,
I understand your struggle because I do the same. 5 years ago, my h. confessed to 33 years of adultery. He was with a woman a week before we were married and then 9 months later he was with another. So far he has confessed to 7 affairs. I also learned that when we were dating, he was cheating on me.

So yes, it has been a dilemma. Were we even married?

This is very very strange, but for reasons I didn't understand, I never liked our wedding anniversary. Truly, tho it didn't make any sense to me at the time, it never felt that it was an anniversary. It's hard to explain. Our anniversary just never felt "right". I was perfectly happy ignoring it - and this was for 33 years prior to knowing about the affairs. And don't misunderstand - I love celebrations, holidays, anniversaries, special events. So that always confounded me. Now of course I know why I felt the way I did.

So, yes, I understand. We were "married" in 1974. But he cheated for 33 years. So what is the answer? I don't know.

Blessings
naomi

Hi Susie

My H's affair started when we had been married for 24 years and extended through our 25th anniversary. At that point I didn't know about it, but I knew he was profoundly clinically depressed and was doing what I could to support him. The anniversary was quiet - he now says he loved it because it got him away from the pressure of OW for a while; I found it very tense because we had had a meltdown a few days before where he reiterated his depression and I was walking on eggshells the whole time. Fast forward 11 months and he confesses the affair - the memory of the anniversary became ashes in my mouth and I swore that I would no longer celebrate something that he had made meaningless.

Sadly his affair continued for another three years before he finally came out of the fog and took full responsibility for what he had done. Now he is desperate to celebrate our wedding anniversary but I prefer to commemmorate that day, nearly five years ago, that he became truly remorseful. I can't say I celebrate it, but it is a day to remember. The other day that has significance for me was earlier this year, when the affair had been over longer than it was on. That was a one-off, but it felt good to get beyond that day. However, I do quite like it when, on our anniversary, he will remind me of it and tell me once again how grateful he is that I stayed.

So I think you have to make your own significant days. If your H wants to do something for the anniversary, make it clear that it's for him, that he is celebrating that you did not kick him out! If there are other days, such as the end of the affair or the day you made the decision to stay, tell him that from now on that's what you want to commemmorate and you expect him to share it with you.

Good luck

Liz