Susie: So sorry for your struggle. This is such a horrific thing to process. Glad you found this board. There is comfort here.
Your question means a lot to me. My 30th anniversary is this month. My Dday was in 10/10. The first year was a total wash for me. I also kicked back the year before as that was when the A was going on. But, this year, I have a new attitude. (or maybe I should say..I'm working on a new attitude)
I'm taking it day by day. My FWH is doing that, too. We have a little chicken chalk board in the kitchen. Today he made 12 slash marks on it and wrote, "Another Good Day". That basically means...another good day without me having a meltdown or back-sliding.
My point for you is this: Even though some of your time together is tainted, what marriage doesn't have bad days?? Granted, ours are REALLY bad days, but why ruin today if you don't have to. Who knows how many we have left.
Try to take it a day at a time. You are so fresh into the mess. Don't try to plan for what the day will be like. If your WH is doing all he can to make your life happy again, let him. It's gonna take a lot of time to heal the wounds, but why miss out on the potential happiness while your waiting?
I know. A lot of this is easier said than done. When I was just a few weeks /months into the trauma, I wouldn't have been able to follow this advice, but I promise you, it's worth the effort...it's worth the effort IF and only IF, your WH is doing what YOU ask to move forward.
I sure hope that is the case.
Take good care of yourself. You need to run the show now. It's all about you. Ask for all you need. Good luck.
Hope & Hugs,
Open for business with a few minor adjustments