Hello, I am new to this group and I found 2 months ago about my DH Facebook letters on internet. We have been married for 15 years and I was so sure in my husband that he would never cheat or betray me. When I shared stories of my friend's husband infedelity, he was so understanding and seemed that he would never do anything like that to hurt me. He met this girl at work when she came for a week visit from Mexico. She was jnto him and gave a lot of attention about his wisdom, cultureness and etc. So I noticed changes in him, like he would stay too long on his work computer on week ends saying that he had lots of work to do. So one day I realized that something was really wrong when I got home after work and he didnt even look at me to meet me and was laying on a couch listening to music. So I went to his hotmail account and I saw Facebook messages linked to his email account. At first I didn't quite understand, because he was saying like " my friend",and then I saw that how he could never say good bye to her, because he was truly in love with her. I started shaking , and everything seemed so unreal. I went to him and asked that if he was in love with a girl, he said he didnt plan on it. I made him open his Facebook account to see all the rest messages, and what I saw it made even worse. There were 500 messages between them within 4 day duration. He shared all his hopes and dreams he had for himself and his family, ( im not sure which family he meant ) he said things like how he was in a coma for 15 years, and how someone took his hand from the darkness and led him to the light. How he has been around the world and no one swept him off of his feet ( i am from a differnt country as well). I saw lots of poems written to her, and he never wrote anything like that. After more digging on his facebook archived mesages I found correspondence with another female friend where he was asking her for help on how to act about his feelings towards the girl he met. And to my surprise that friend was saying to go for it, to write her. I felt like I didn't know who my husband was. He never flirted with other women, he was such a family guy and we could to talk forever about everything.
He says he is sorry and he loves me. According to him, it wasn't love. But I don't beleive him. We have been to MC for 6 times ever since but don't seem to help me or take away the pain. Even though he never cheated on me physically, I felt that something shifted in me. I feel like I lost my best friend, I lost a sense of being special to him, I feel betrayed. Some days are good and some days I feel so
depressed. I hope it gets better, but I feel like I could never forgive him.
Thank you for your support!
This message has been edited by Dinabro on Aug 20, 2012 11:00 PM This message has been edited by Dinabro on Aug 20, 2012 10:59 PM
I am so sorry and glad you are here. Sorry, because no one wants to be betrayed so horribly and glad because I know here you will find lots of advice and insight.
I understand how you feel right now and it is all normal. Only 2 months in you are still in shock and your H is most likely still in the affair fog. Meaning he still has blinders on to the extent of his responsibility in the A. He may still view the OW as his "savior"
He will see your need for understanding and support as "needy or over-reacting" and sadly he is in the position to easily fall back in to the A if contact with the OW does not end.
My H had a two year A and there were 5 ddays . Before he cheated, my H did not flirt with other women. In fact it is like he did not even notice them. I felt incredibly special and important. I was in love and he was my best friend.
During the A, he was so cold and I annoyed him. I lost my friend. He never wanted to talk to me and never wanted to spend time with me. To say it is confusing and upsetting is an understatement, it is enough to make you crazy.
Like your H, he told the OW that he couldn't believe he had to move across the country to meet the love of his life and how he wished he had not married me years earlier and just waited for the OW.
We are 3 or maybe 4 years into recovery and it has been a hard road with lots of pit stops. The feeling that you have that things have changed will probably never go away. Like you I lost my best friend when my H betrayed me. The entire dynamic of our relationship has changed and I feel like I am having to relearn who he is and who I am and how we work in a relationship. OUr old relationship has been torn down and we are working to rebuild this new one, better and stronger and A proof. And if you and your H both want that, it can happen. So that the next time your H starts having feelings for someone, or even if you do, you will feel safe talking to one another about those feelings. Because feelings like that are normal, but what makes your relationship truly special is your ability to really be open and honest with one another and still be in love.
I know it is hard now, so very hard and painful. I have come this far and I still mourn the end to what I felt was the perfect relationship, but then I look forward.
Take care of yourself. Keep going to MC or even IC and educate yourself here and using the resource section on affairs.
Thanks Louise for your support and understanding. I really hope things will get better between us, and I will find peace within myself some day. My H says that we need put everything behind and move forward, but it is not that easy for me.
There is a fallacy in using the statement "put everything behind you and move on" I do think there is a time and a place when you will do that, but it is definitely not 2 months after dday.
WS often try to push the BS into "moving on" and it seems sensible but really it is them bullying you into diminishing what they have done. YOU decide when you are ready to let things go and when you are comfortable putting things behind you. NOT YOUR H.
When he is truly sorry for his actions he will be patient and respect that you need to make your own way through these issues and he will help you the entire way.
I do think that there are certain topics you may never get through. It takes a long time to stop obsessing and comparing yourself to the OW. You may ask questions about the A and get answers and then re-ask them months later and your H will have to respect that. With any luck and time and work, one day you will make it an entire day with your thinking of the A and that is when you have moved on.
Please do not let your H push you. YOu move on when you are ready.
I always respond the same way to the newbies here - I'm very very sorry that you are having to post here. Adultery is something that none of us should ever have to go thru.
Something about your post struck me. You said that when you talked to your h. about your friend and her husband's infidelity, that your h. was understanding and it seemed that he would not do that. My h. was the same way. 5 years ago I learned that my husband of 33 years had always been cheating on me. Always. We were married in 74. In 1988, his brother left his wife because he had found another woman. H. counseled his brother - even tho he himself had already been involved with 4 women - that I know of. Fast forward to 2005. By now he has added 3 more women and is involved with a woman from his workplace and who goes to our church. A speaker comes to talk at our church about infidelity. Afterwards h. talks to him about a friend of his who committed adultery. This speaker gives my h. a video to give to his friend. Interesting huh? Just goes to prove you can't trust anything.
I never thought my h. would cheat either. I knew him inside and out. I could tell you what he was going to say even before the thought entered his mind. I was his soul mate, the other side of him. I was his DNA. I knew that I knew that I knew these things.
Talk about shock. How can you be with someone for 33 years and not know?
What your husband had was an emotional affair and for women, an emotional affair is far worse than a physical. We know that men act in the physical. We have been told that men can have sex with absolutely no emotional strings attached. I'm not saying a physical affair isn't as bad as an emotional one, but we know that men can operate that way and still love their wives. It was just physical! So they say. Emotional affairs are different tho cause they cut to the heart of a woman. We are emotional, that's our DNA. Men operate in the physical, women operate in the emotional. That's why, for many, an emotional affair is so much worse.
Louise has given good advise. You can't just move forward, putting this behind you. That's what the WS want. That way they don't have to deal with what they have done. But that is not going to bring healing. Right now the focus needs to be on you, your healing, rebuilding trust, understanding why this happened. He has to be an open book, ready to do anything, say anything that will help you heal. To do anything less, is not right.
Thank you Louise, Naomi for your support. It must be difficult to know that your H has been cheating on you all the time. I can't imagine how you deal with it all these years. But yes, it is true, emotional cheating is far worse than physical. I dont think I would react the same if he had a one night stand with a girl he doesn't care, but to be "in love " with someone and write to her hundred times is far worse. My H says that it wasnt love, it was his escaping the reality and his mid life crisis, he says that he doesnt think about her at all. But how can I trust him ? i dont know what goes through his mind. So i heard in this forum about the book "the power of now", and I am reading it in order to keep my thoughts and emotions healthy and stable. I know we have a lot of therapies to go and it will take many years to heal and forgive. But I am constantly on guards checking his phone, emails.
This message has been edited by Dinabro on Aug 22, 2012 10:07 PM
Dina: 2 months is just the harsh beginning. This is a very long marathon, not a sprint. Actually, it is life altering. I know that my life with my FWH will never be what is was before, but that's OK. Something I share with new people here is that after nearly two years post DDay, my marriage is better. When I was where you are, I would never have believed it possible, but here I am.
That said...the whole "Put it behind us" attitude. Let's just say...that dog don't hunt! You don't sweep infidelity under the rug, you take the rug outside, beat the crap out of it and then you still gotta let that sucker air out for a long damn time!
Is that too cryptic? Sorry. What I mean is, you NEED to work THROUGH it, not avoid it or "get past it". You gotta deal with it and YOU get to decide what that means, not HIM.
Be kind to yourself. This is hard on the soul. Don't expect any big changes anytime soon. Time is your friend and you be happy again.
Like everyone else, I am so sorry you are going through this. I've been there, as has everyone on this helpful site. None of us want to be here, so we understand.
You are so new into this and it's a long, hard road and you will get much help by coming here and reading what others write or asking your own questions. I went through 5 yrs. of counseling 25 yrs. ago and feel like I've learned more on here in the past yr. than those 5 yrs. I only wish it had been available back then when I found out that my WH cheated on me after 25 yrs. of marriage. I like so many others on here, loved my H so much and did so much for him, thought we had the perfect, loving marriage. I was so wrong and it took a flirting woman, a 40 yr. old man, if I can call him that, to pursue her for 3 yrs. I never suspected anything, as he was always home, etc.
My main point that I want to make is this: Don't let your WH use the line, that we need to get past this and move on. My WH would never answer my questions, lied to me and it took a yr. to get most of the truth and 25 yrs. later, I still don't think I know everything I need to know. I asked the questions back then, he would get angry or lie to me, until I started checking bank statements and found out things and confronted him. He would get so angry and defensive with my questions, wasn't remorseful, which I still don't understand and was of no support to me for what he had done. I was in a state of shock for many months, had two major surgeries and then had panic attacks and depression for yrs. I even have them now and it's been 25 yrs. later.
I can't stress enough that you find out all that you need to know, so that your WH can't claim that he doesn't remember, which is what my WH is claiming now. I started reevaluating my marriage 2 yrs. ago as my H wasn't paying attention to me and was being mean again, like he did during the A. Back then, I thought it was due to his work, now I know all the signs of an A. He wasn't having one again, he was just drinking his 2 drinks every night, wasn't happy with my back issues and his selfishness came through. I then wondered, why did I stay with this man who has never given me emotional support for most of our 50 yr. marriage.
Now when I am finally trying to ask about the A, as everything is coming back to me, the betrayal, the lying, everything that happens during an A is hurting ;me like it just happened yesterday. He says he doesn't remember, it wasn't that important, he doesn't know why he did what he did and wish's he hadn't. He never said any of that 25 yrs. ago. Now the questions that I need answers to, I can't seem to get and I am stuck, yes stuck in a life due to questions not asked when the A happened. I don't know if I'm going to stay in the marriage or not, as I feel that he has killed what love I had left for him.
Please keep all this in mind, when your WH ask's you to move on. Tell him, you have the right to ask any question you want, even if it's over and over again, that's the least he can do for you after what he has done. Don't give in, please, you take the power and don't do what I did.
Please take care of yourself, read the books that are suggested, like Peggy Vaughn's and other's under the Link on the side of this site. They are invaluable, as are the people who are on here to help you.
I wish you the best and hope that something I've said will be of help to you.