I am starting to wonder if I am in the eye of the hurricane. I feel as if I’ve been to hell and come back. Things seem almost strangely calm. Oh, I do have my moments, a lot of them I guess. But compared to those first few months after Dday, this is great. Maybe it just feels great to move past that unbearable, never-ending pain.

I am finding that I get past triggers very quickly now. I am starting to trust H a whole lot more. I hesitate to use that word though; there are many times I feel like a naive idiot to even consider trusting him again. But I have to move on. It feels like it’s time.

H has been consistent for 8 mos now. Like a rock. It has allowed me to grow and gain an inner strength that I didn’t even know existed. Oh, I still have a heck of a long way to go, but boy have I come a loooonnnnng way.

I feel like now, if it ends up that we separate, that everything will be just fine. I feel like he is here because I enjoy his company, not because I am afraid to make it on my own. I don’t feel a need to prove myself to him or anyone else, well, with the exception of myself. It’s like a healthy drive to allow myself to grow, and find out about all of the wonderful things hidden deep down inside of me that have been waiting all of this time to come out. At 44 yrs old, I am just now discovering who I really am. And I like what I am seeing. I am finding that I am strong and capable and good.

I feel an overwhelming calmness.

The eye of the hurricane?

The 2yr posts have me a little concerned. So many of you, at 2 yrs have slipped backwards. Or maybe it’s not backwards, but forward into another reality. I like THIS reality. I want it to grow. But I also want to be prepared for what is to come. That will give me the power to overcome it.

The question of whether to tell or not to tell, for me anyway, has become one of personal preference. I know for me, had I NOT known, I would not have been able to achieve this personal growth. It was a huge slap in the face, a wake up call. Yes the A was painful as hell, and I wish this hell upon no one (well, maybe one), but it has opened up a bunch of doors. Doors that I have now chosen to walk through. Had I not found out, this opportunity for growth would never have happened for me. Maybe it’s all about what we choose to do with that pain. And maybe it is because this is the second painful experience I’ve had to deal with in my life. I obviously didn’t walk through those open doors the first time. And maybe, it is being HERE that is lessening my fears and helping me to grow.

OW called last week. I had a moment of panic. But now I feel calm and in control. And I also feel like something new is taking shape. We both know she will call back and have discussed how to handle it. It occurred to me that now ‘The Secret’ is between H and I. SHE doesn’t know that I know. And H is the one who is uncomfortably anxious about coming face to face with her (or phone to phone), not me. HE is the one feeling anger towards her now. (Not that I've lost mine) I knew this time would come. I’ve been waiting for it, afraid of it. But now that it is here, I am ready. I am ready to move forward with or without him and I’m actually looking forward to better things no matter how it turns out.

I do wonder about the eye of the hurricane. The calm before the storm, the break in the middle. But I like this feeling so I think I’ll keep it.

Teri

Your story sounds a whole lot more like the success stories, the ones that get mutual positive reinforcement going.

I also think you are processing your anger and hurt and anxiety very well.

Way to go.

And never underestimate the value of your H "getting it".
Another year or so of him being consistently "good" and you reinforcing it ought to leave you with very little to be angry and hurt over.

Good luck.

Chris.

Its good to see that you are making progress Teri.

Calmness is good. I didnt reach any state that I could describe as calmness until sometime last fall, around a year and a half from Dday. This was after 9 months or so of my wife being consistant and strong. I think it takes a good amount of time with the WS being totally supportive, to reach calmness in a marriage after an affair. It is such a ....relief, I guess is the best word, to reach some state other than the really crappy one you tend to end up in after Dday.

"The 2yr posts have me a little concerned. So many of you, at 2 yrs have slipped backwards. Or maybe it’s not backwards, but forward into another reality. I like THIS reality. "

That is a very realistic way to look at it - it is a new reality that we are living in. I havent yet come to the conclusion that I like my new reality. So maybe you have a leg up on some of us two-year verterans.

Thanks for the encouragement guys. I would love to think that this is the end of the hell, but reality has slapped me too many times in life so I will just enjoy the peace while I have it. Realistically though, I expect to be like everyone else at 2 yrs. If not, I'll count my blessings big time.

Kenny, did you notice the 9 months for you and 8 months for me? Interesting.

Teri

Teri,
You wrote, "I feel like he is here because I enjoy his company, not because I am afraid to make it on my own". I feel the same way, and I also feel that he is here because he enjoys my company too. I invited him to leave a month ago, I was done working on this marriage alone. He wanted to sweep the A under the carpet and go on. Meanwhile, I was having anxiety attacks which started 7 months after d-day, I think because he wasn't working "with " me.
Now things are turning around and I'm starting to feel like we are a team. We'll make this work as long as he does his part too. He's aware that it will be hard work and there will be ups and downs, but I keep telling him this is all part of the process. I've learned so much at this forum. It has truly been the source of my strength.
Keep up the good work, it sounds like you and your H are doing a great job.
Sue

Please tell me more about your story. I have enjoyed reading your posts. I am confused though. I thought I read on another post that you have been here for a couple years, but then you said that your H's A ended in May (just like mine). So, I am behind and would like to know more, if that's OK. I think I found this site in November. Thank God!!

Teri

edited to add

ok Now I know what is confusing me. There are Sue and Susan.

Yes, there is a Sue and a Susan. My H had a 6 month long A which I discovered in April 2003. The last "fling" took place in May 2003. All of this is news to me so I feel like d-day all over again. I thought it was a one night stand with a "friend" from work. Some info I found out on my own, but most has been told to me by H answering my questions honestly. We are working together to save this marriage, he says he'll do whatever it takes, but sometimes I think he is still "in a fog". The contact between them as "friends" ended about a month ago. Now I'm dealing with her pathetic e-mails, text message and voice mails. He's doing the right thing so I need to be patient, but it is so hard!
So there you have it, that's my story. Thanks again for your reply on my post. It REALLY helps.
Sue

Dear Teri,
CALM is good!!!!...Hurricanes are not good...LOL....I think that there will always be some Very small storms ...that will occur because of triggers or behaviors that scare us reminding us of their behavior before D-Day....When those occur we have to evaluate H's behavior since D-day...as long as we are feeling secure and a part of a team that is working together the storms won't occur or be bad..it is a momentary blip on the radar screen....
You have come a long way...Your H is doing his best to make you happy....remember to let him know how much it means to you....I am basing this on my H's insecurity...He needs to know that I appreciate his efforts to change his behaviors...when I tell him ...he now is trying even harder to make me feel better...since I have been in Las Vegas he has left me messages that he misses me and loves me....sure makes me happy.
Pat