Do those of you who are no longer in your relationships still punishing yourself (like I tend to do) with information about the EX?
Case in point: "Heard" today that the ex has purchased his grandmother's house. Bought from his uncle. Has a contractor going over to do some remodeling so that 'they' can move in.
Who in the hell is "they" and why in the hell do I even care?
Is it because of that notion (as noted in another thread) that the ultimate humiliation is that our ex's will do for someone else what they wouldn't do for us?
Is it because the more I learn, the more resolved I am at the decisions that have been made?
Do I continue to let him engage me in conversations (where he will STILL tell me that no matter what happens, or where he is, or who he is with- he's still going to be there for me) because I can't let go of the connection, or is it because I am not ready to be 'out of the loop'?
Makes me feel weak and stupid.
This house stuff made me have that burn from head to toe. I haven't had THAT feeling in a LONG LONG time. I want to know if the OW is moving in. I want to know if she's on the loan. I want to know if she's given a 30 notice at her apt complex. I want to know. More specifically, this is something he has not mentioned to me AT ALL. Not at all- that he was even CONSIDERING buying this house.
Tracie:
I was like you were for a very long time..wondering what they were doing, how did they buy that when he keeps telling kids he has no money, yes all the questions over and over again....and now i can say I don't care what he does and if i hear anything i might still ask questions, but the answers do not bother me any longer...I have no more feelings for EX....not even any kind of love for him...i do not even want him as a friend... He and OW deserve each other and are meant for each other ...two selfish people who are going to make it together in this life...but no life I want part of. I do not have any bitterness towards him, I just have NO FEELINGS AT ALL FOR HIM HE IS A STRANGER TO ME,and if and when we have to talk about kids(which he doesn't care either way) i will be pleasant to the man, because of my kids that is all!! I was Divorced June 2003...and now probably for a month have felt this way, but it was a very long and hard road to go down, but im here..and i hope i stay here!! Tracie give it time, keep yourself busy and keep saying that you are a wonderful person and you will survive without him..and a better life you shall have. Im so sorry you are still hurting...
I still have low self esteem issues Im dealing with...but planning to go back to counseling at the end of this month....THIS TIME IM GOING FOR ME!!
take care
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Jo
This message has been edited by jf254jo on May 5, 2004 4:54 PM This message has been edited by jf254jo on May 5, 2004 2:52 PM
In general, I think if it still burns, it means you still care.
But I can't begin to tell anyone how to stop caring.
I'm trying to start with not acting as if I care, letting the connection wither and die; someday I won't care (feelings follow behavior theory).
The tough part is, as long as my son is spending time with her, I have a right to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is safe.
What I wrestle with is my feelings about his safety with (say) a man around that I don't know anything about. It will look to her like "control" if I try to find out about anyone who's hanging around with her, even when it's really about assurance. Since I think that her judgement about boundaries in relationships is flawed, any new relationship will raise the "safety" issue with me.
So as much as I would like to say "I can't have her in my life at all" and make it stick, it won't be possible...and I'm where you are some of the time.
No solutions here, just some sympathy for what you're going through.
(((Tracie))). I think lots of us can be "territorial" when it comes to prior long-term relationships. Sometimes I feel like that about my exH - even though I was the one to leave him!
As Chris says, when there are children involved, you have to monitor your ex-partner's life, even if you don't particularly want anything to do with them.
If I were you, Tracie, I'd probably make up bizarre stories in my head - like OW loaned/gave him the money to be able to buy the house because that's the only way she could keep him! That the place is being remodelled because she wants to remove any memory of you from it (even though I know it was the grandmother's house - you were still part of that family FIRST) because she's insecure. That buying the house is typical of his behaviour - won't make a clean break and stand alone, has to have somebody or something familiar to fall back on first..............
I don't think it's because you care about HIM, it is just a habitual territorial thing that will eventually fade.
FR
On a lighter note, financial stresses and remodelling are major causes or relationship difficulties, teehee. And the two usually go hand in hand. EVERYTHING is always more than you budgeted for...........
"What I wrestle with is my feelings about his safety with (say) a man around that I don't know anything about... Since I think that her judgement about boundaries in relationships is flawed, any new relationship will raise the "safety" issue with me
That is exactly what my counselor and I talked about today. I stressed my worry over him having women spend the night with my boys there. I'm not sure we got anywhere with that conversation. I guess the only way you could enforce that was to catch them in it and go to court--a costly process.
This message has been edited by hurt288 on May 5, 2004 9:17 PM
chris wrote, "In general, I think if it still burns, it means you still care."
AARRRGGGHH!!! lol!
hi tracieh, I hear ya on that one as my ex too said he will always be there for me (wtf -he's with ow!!) which makes it harder to break free. thankfully, it's slowly dimming down and when I meet someone else, the 'thinking about them' time will have somewhere more positive to go. when you have been rejected and instantly replaced, it's only natural to peer and wonder if that's what you'd be doing, etc as we were left at a sudden standstill. while my life is moving on, it's at a slower pace as I've had to start over from scratch. always remind yourself that when looking in, things often seem better than the reality. they are two deceitful people who are building a life on the back of someone else's pain and heartbreak. personally, I couldn't stand that and believe the journey is more important than the destination.
This was an issue of contention when I wrote a first draft separation agreement before she ever moved out. I was somewhat suspicious of an affair, and I didn't want the boys seeing her with other men in her apartment while she was still legally married to me. I also was concerned about safety.
She took it as "controlling".
In the absence of an agreement, I made it clear to my younger son that if he ever arrived at her apartment and there was a man he didn't know present, he was to call me immediately and I'd come to get him...that it was flat out against my rules for him to be there under those circumstances.
I'm going to loosen up in the face of divorce, but I think I will still stress that if he feels uncomfortable or unsafe he can call me and I'll come get him immediately.
My H and I still live together so it makes it especially difficult to not react to what is going on in his life.
We agreed at the end of January of this year that we would no longer work on our marriage and that we would separate as soon as was feasible financially and logistically for the kids. So, basically, he's been free to do whatever the heck he wants and he has withdrawn from me considerably except where it applies to something to do with the kids or paying some bills.
And yet, I cannot resist the impulse now and again to check his cell phone usage on the sly. He'll be in the shower or something and I'll see his phone on a table and I'll cruise through his incoming and outgoing phone call logs and text messages.
Invariably I will find one or two lengthy calls from the numbers I recognize as the OW's and then a bunch of numbers I don't know. Once or twice I've seen messages from a woman as well.
It burns me up and yet I still do it. It's like picking away at a wound, or your tongue touching that sore gum or tooth, or pressing a bruise on your arm -- it hurts like heck and yet you still do it for some stupid reason!!!
I think I read somewhere about these young girls who practice self-mutilation and when they asked one girl why she does it she says because at least when she's hurting herself she "feels something". Pain is better than nothingness.
"I'm going to loosen up in the face of divorce, but I think I will still stress that if he feels uncomfortable or unsafe he can call me and I'll come get him immediately."
Chris
Your right, we probably will have to loosen our attitudes on this because I'm sure my STBX will also view it as controlling as well. It would give them one more excuse to justify what they are doing and we don't want that lol! I think I might use your idea that if they feel uncomfortable with some other woman there to call me. At least my little one can tell me. I'm really concerned about the OW coming back into the picture. I don't care if she and H are together (they are made for each other and I have no doubt they would be miserable with each other after a bit) but I am concerned about my children being around her. She called me and basically threatened me via e-mail that she would be taking care of my children for me. Little does she know how many people think I'm a great mom and would stand up in court for me. She also doesn't know some other stuff that would keep my H from seeing them if I wanted to use it. Anyway, I think he will be a better dad now than he ever was before simply because he will have them one-on-one without my help and will be forced to pay more attention to them. They may actually see more of him.
I appreciate it that y'all don't think I'm crazy for feeling like this.
You know, it's a good thing he and I do not have children together- ours was a blended family- my kids, and his kids.
So at least my kids won't have to deal with the OW.
He came by my house yesterday to drop off a box of stuff that I had packed for him, that had some of my things in it as well.
Well, so while going through it, I find three 'gambling cards' (the kind you get when you go to the casinos) with the OW name on them.
Knowing him like I do, he didn't put them there. They either fell in there somehow, or SHE did it. Amazingly, I didn't get the 'burn' from that. I have no idea why.
But this house thing- yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if she (if she's the one moving over there) has somehow financed this- or plans to. The OW I've dealt with is one of those who buys and spends massive amounts of money to 'keep a man' and it's a well known thing- not just with my ex, but with any man she can somehow get ahold of.
It's just a process I suppose. A longer one than I would have hoped.
Yes, Lapin, when you are left and instantly replaced - it's tough. It's tough to want to think you were cared about all that time- but how could we have been? Since we were so easy to leave, afterall. I keep thinking that if I ever meet someone else, it would be easier. But what if I never do?
