Hello everyone, I haven't been out here since New Years, and I just wanted to say hello to my old friends.
If any of you recall, my d-day was 2 1/2 years ago, and my divorce was 2 years ago last week ...and guess what - I barely remembered it !
Although I would wish my past two years on no one, I am happy. When he (ex) married the OW on New Years Eve I think it allowed me to say "enough" - none of it really matters anymore....he (and the OW) are no longer a part of my life...
I've been seeing someone for the past 4 months that I met on vacation - ironically he lives across the country, but he is wonderful (yes I've ensured that he doesn't have someone else near him)....I've realized that I have to have faith again in love and he is helping me with that ....He also understands the pain I've experienced and allows me to snoop, pry, call, freak out ....he truly is a wonderful man, and I'm lucky that I found him ...that is also something I learned in the past two years - love is not to be taken for granted - it truly is a gift.
I still have moments of anger and fear, but i no longer ask why and wonder what could have been....it was not the life I was meant to have.
As someone said to me, this is just my journey to the top of my mountain - he (husband) was a path in error.....and some day I will reach the top ....
I wish everyone out here peace, and healing....and I hope you continue to find your path to the top of your mountain.
Thank you to all who saved my life when I was falling.....
{{{Cherish}}}
We have never met, but Im also divorced and Ex is living with OW, your posting gives all us hope for the future..I just wanted to congratulate you on your new life and new love...Im happy for you!
Wishing you all the best that life has to offer!!!
Jo
I thought specifically of you (and your reclaiming xH's former den/study in your house) on Saturday as I was trying to sort out some of the stuff in "our" desk that's clearly hers.
I came upon our wedding album, which I hadn't opened in at least 5 or 10 years.
It was something of a shock to see a picture of my mother at close to my age now (she was 49 then, and I'm coming up on 45) and my youngest sister (at 19 then, a year or so older than my older son now).
Of course it was just deadly to see how happy everyone looked, and I realized that in my mind, that is ALWAYS how my wife has looked to me and I can't reconcile that with the angry selfish person she has become.
I also remembered you posting about how hard it was for you to even look at that room for the longest time, and I wondered. But now I understand.
Glad to know that there is life on the other side of a divorce decree. I'll see it soon enough.
I'm also glad to see you doing so well. I am also going through a divorce now after finding out my H was still hiding things even after seeming so remorseful. I am looking forward to a much healthier relationship in the future. Glad you found a good guy.
Chris, I know this is very hard, but truly this is the starting point of your healing. You've been through so much - more than I was - at least my knife wound was deep but quick.
If the pictures bring you pain - just put them in a box and open it when you have healed more (I labled mine "wedding crap" - made me feel better). I only opened mine once in the past two years and that was because I had the only pictures of my grandmother before she diesd and we needed them....otherwise I expect that I will never open it again unless a similar situation occurs - that isn't my life anymore - those two people weren't us - or at least it wasn't him saying his vows. And I know what you mean about the happy faces - hell my husband was cheating less than two years later - smiles and happy faces are easy masks for some? But for those people - its all about the masks?
But I promise that after the years of pain that you've suffered, once you've accepted that this is it - its time to let go - you will feel a great sense of relief. Sorrow too - but also relief....its finally the first time in years that you only have yourself to focus on, yourself to wonder if you're being honest...no more asking why you've given up so much (dignity, respect, love) for somone who doesn't deserve it, appreciate it, or even want it.
Chris, I know how very hard this is, but I think you have to accept the fact that your wife left this marriage a long time ago (like mine) and now you have to too ....
And you will be fine and one day you will be good again...how long has it been since you felt GOOD ?? But you will be fine - just like all of the rest of us divorced people are (now that we're no longer shunned by society - lol). What did I always used to say? A little bruised - but I'm still good
And let me assure you that there is not only life after a divorce - but a wonderful life..if you choose it !
P.S. My new man is 43 (I'm 37) and I think he's great and sexy as hell ...so don't try to tell me anything about your age and stareting over !!
My life is just one day at a time right now, and I know in my heart it will get better.
I am in absolutely no condition to be trying to have a relationship with anyone I'm not already related to right now, but I know that will come in time.
The only thing I know for sure is, I'm not raising any more kids, so that rules out the under-40 crowd for me
I agree that you're not in a place to have any kind of new relationships...you are still very much in a healing state. And everyone is very different on how they heal. As you may recall I started dating immediately - and it worked for me - gave me a distration, increased my self-esteem, made me feel loved, made me realize that there are still good men out there -
And YES the man I dated when I seperated is still a great and dear friend....And I am ever grateful that he came into my life, even if he came as the result of an awful time ...
But you're right to just focus on each day.
Besides, as we've all learned - life has a way of deciding our plans for us anyway ....so planning and plotting our lives, in a sense, is a bit of a waste of time? I still fully believe in planning, having goals, knowing what you want....but then we have to accept that things are still out of our control...and that's not always a bad thing....many doors opened for me in the past years (some good some bad) that I would have never opened on my own.
I'm still reading a great book that talks about this realization (control) called The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie (two volumns). I'm not a real spiritual person so this is new for me...but it brings me great peace. It mentions that most things have a way of working themselves out one way or another in 6 months, so our worrying is a waste of valuable time and energy...interesting how true that can be? You may want to get the book - easy to pick up and just read a few pages - its merely her thoughts day by day. And if you think she doesn't know what she's talking about - she went through one husband's affair (and possibly two) and a child's death ...she knows pain!
Take each day as it comes, and when the day gets too difficult to deal with....just go to bed! Tomorrow is another day ...with other possibilities!
Cherish wrote >>[Melody Beattie] went through one husband's affair (and possibly two) and a child's death<< not to mention that she's recovering from alcoholism and other addictions. She's also the author of the blockbuster "Codependent No More" (4 million sold), which reminds me - I need to read that one again.
Anyway, I'm glad you stopped by for a visit, whoever you are.
And I'm also glad that you're doing well. It always helps to be reminded that there is life after divorce.
Make no mistake, Cherish. You are memorable. You're one of the "success stories" from these here boards. You're one of the ones who discovered your husband's affair, sussed out the situation, and said "Right, mate. Seems you've turned out to be a proper wanker - you're having a little to much trouble keeping the lad at home. Ta for nothing. Here's your fags and here's your titfer - don't let the Roger Moore hit you in the back."
congrats cherish! you sound wonderful and it's great that life has lifted you up and taken you somewhere better. I'm coming to indifference now and isn't it amazing to look back and see how far you've come! you are absoulutely right about giving up control or micro managing your life's outcome. you can put yourself on course but so much is out of our hands. it seems to go in cycles and while it's so very hard to experience life unravelling unexpectedly, great things often happen in the same way. none of us could make our spouses cheat or not, stay or not and I frequently remind myself that this has cleared the way for something wonderful.
