That old emotional rollercoaster is still with me even almost 20 months post d-day. Sure, the ups and downs don't come as often or as close together as they used to but, its amazing to me how every single day this affair has stuck with me and continues to affect my happiness and well-being.
Lately I have just been on a downward spiral experiencing the deep blues again. I've been lower than low to the point where lately my sleep has been affected as has been my ability to concentrate and get things done. If it weren't for my kids and my ever-demanding career I'd have nothing to spur me to get up in the morning. The pressing needs and deadlines around me force me out of inertia.
There are so many days I just want to give up -- to tell everyone to just go **** themselves and leave me alone. But I don't.
It seems that this blue period has finally hit a wall because I got my first remark from someone today asking me if "everything was alright."
Oh well. My plans for tonight are to go home, get into some very comfy clothing, wash off my makeup, lie on the couch and just vegetate. For a change I am even too low to eat -- that's when I know I'm hitting rock bottom.
You are in never..never.. land. Just hold on until you can leave,, You are in a holding pattern.not in a downward spiral ...once you make your move you will be fine....your time will come and your kids will keep your spirits up...
right now you need a chocolate fix...helps boost your spirits.LOL...
Take care of your self tonight...vegetate...order pizza for the kids use paperplates...lessen your workload...
Pat
>>>>>have one of my chocolate martinis - sip slowly and enjoy. When you get to the chunk of chocolate at the bottom, picture OP's head as you bite and chew! LOL
This message has been edited by cutetrixie on May 17, 2004 8:26 PM
thirty months and I was just thinking that my brain has been working pretty well lately,
That is until I went on the Atkins diet. Now, I'm not thinking as clearly. That could also be because of my H who has checked out and dwells in the land of the depressed. It's difficult to see him, the WS, in so much pain. Then again, it's difficult to see him like that and say WTF? What has he done for me since this nightmare began?
It does get better, but it takes so long, and is so hard when you're doing it by yourself.
The job is sometimes a good way to immerse yourself in something that momentarily takes away some of the pain.
Jane, I think it's normal that you're still feeling this way, because in many ways your situation is still the same?
You will know when the time is right...and I'm not sure about many things in life anymore....but I am sure that you will feel a great sense of relief and burden lifted, when you finally decide to move on and start a normal, fucntional life...whatever that may be
I am very tired. I am tired physically and emotionally.
I have had periods of depression before. Sometimes they've lasted a few months but it has been a few years since I've experienced this dense fog in my head.
Chocolate martinis sound good but part of my getting out of this has to be getting back to eating better -- I've fallen off my healthy eating wagon this past month and I'm starting to feel it. No...I have to go back to what worked for me before ie lots of sleep, reading, eating well, exercise and occasionally telling people to go **** themselves.
As for a "normal" life, Cherish, what the heck is that? Never had one so I don't know what it is -- even pre D-Day. I'm done with the illusion that such a thing even exists. The difference is that no matter how nuts my life got I always thought I had one thing I could count on -- the love and support of my husband. Its been very had seeing that disappaear before my eyes and admitting that too was an illusion.
My life has changed and so has my situation. I have no hope for a reconciliation. Everything I do is geared towards "someday having to be on my own". My focus is entirely different. We may not be logistically and geographically separated but we are emotionally. And who am I kidding that if we were apart I wouldn't have to deal with him? We have two young kids, I'm stuck with him for alot of years to come, like it or not. He comes and goes as he pleases and so do I. All that's left for me to do is to just allow myself to move on as well.
Depression NOUN: 1a. The act of depressing. b. The condition of being depressed. 2. An area that is sunk below its surroundings; a hollow. 3. The condition of feeling sad or despondent. 4. Psychology A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. 5a. A reduction in activity or force. b. A reduction in physiological vigor or activity: a depression in respiration. c. A lowering in amount, degree, or position.
D-Day December 2, 2002. 533 days ago as of today. So much in my life has changed to such a vast degree that I hardly recognize my life anymore.
I feel as though I have learned a great deal (out of necessity) and that much growth has resulted. I continue to feel a great sense of loss. Some days more than others.
When the depression sets in, I must concentrate on what remains of my life, not what was lost. My sons remain. I remain. All other lost items pale by comparison.
I understand the "blueness"...I am almost 5 mos past d-day #2 and it isn't getting any better. I was up at 5 am this morning because I just can't sleep. I've had some bad dreams lately of the OW taking my kids from me....this is a repetitive dream and it is making me crazy.
Between dealing with H and the A....my friends moving to another state (my biggest support system) and this support group I belong to as a mom....I have had enough. I too want to tell them all to go f*&% themselves and just leave me alone. I thought of just dropping my duties in my club and letting them figure it out on their own; but that is not me. So, I continue...barely.
I am going to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss antidepressants....I've been holding out doing it because when I was on Paxil for PPD...it was horrible....but I can't continue riding this coaster and make everyone around miserable too.
Let's ride this coaster together!
My blueness is slowly subsiding but I still have bad dreams and manic mood swings -- it's all part of the process. I've thought of going on medication but they take so long to kick in that I might as well wait it out because I'll get through this on my own. Only thing is I don't know what damage I am going to leave in the wake...I've already pissed off a few people with my "f@#% you" attitude of late.
This past weekend I spent a great few days away with my kids and a single mom friend and her kids. We had a blast. My H was left behind because he had to work. It was great being with the kids and away from him. As soon as we got home and I got in the house and I saw the mess he had left behind on the weekend and the empty refridgerator etc etc my stress level just went way up. He obviously missed the kids terribly -- he was calling three times a day to check on them and how they were doing and what he was missing -- but too friggin bad. He made his own bed, figuratively and literally.
It was enlightening to be with this friend. She and her H are separated but still have a great deal of contact because they have two young children together. He's still very much a part of their lives. Even though they live apart she still goes through alot of the same headaches I do -- financial issues, scheduling conflicts, not being told of vital information etc etc. And she's obviously very pissed with him. I don't know why they are separated -- she's never discussed it and I won't push her. But they've been apart a long time and I see her just as frustrated and angry with him as I am. So it doesn't get any better faster esp when kids are involved and there is still contact...
Dee, you mentioned a bad experience with paxil. Been there done that and so I thought I'd throw in what happened to me. We are all so different in how meds affect us so I don't neccesarily expect that my situation would work for you.
Several years ago when my son died I was reluctantly put on Effexor. I started at the usual dose, 25 or 50mgs I think, and worked my way up to 300mg. Talk about a mess! This was a year and a half process. By the time I hit the end, I had gained 40lbs on top of already being overweight (nothing like gaining weight to boost your self-esteem and pull you out of depression), was becoming very suicidal, and I was an emotional basketcase. Add to that, the beginning of the A which I strongly suspected. Talk about a nightmare! So I swore off anti-depressants forever.
Thank God my wonderful OB/GYN understands the impact of an A. He was able to persuade me to try Zoloft and he worked very closely with me to get just the right dose and just the right brand. I was only taking 12mgs and it did wonders for me. From 300mgs to 12mgs. No wonder I had such a hard time! If you can find a doctor that will listen to you, believe you when you explain your bad experience and work with you, it could be a real blessing.
Jane, I find it interesting that you mentioned how you are not eating right and maybe that is a connection. I did this same thing, not eating, not exercising and the last couple of months I have felt myself spiraling down, leveling out but feeling blah. It is so hard for me to start eating right and exercising when I feel like that. Finally, I started a week ago and I feel so good. I know part of it is that emotional rollercoaster thing but I have to wonder how much of it was my inablility to take care of myself. I guess time will tell.
>>So it doesn't get any better faster esp when kids are involved and there is still contact...<<
It actually does get better, but only if you let go of the anger at what the spouse is or isn't doing.
Unrepentant betrayers ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
No one here is going to change an unrepentant betrayer by being nice, by being angry, by withholding love, sex, or money, or by completely kowtowing to the unrepentant betrayer.
I have continuing contact with my WINO ("wife in name only") because of kids. But I have less and less contact, as more and more things are resolved either directly by agreement and habit, or by inattention and inaction. The flareups (usually unmet expectations, even still) are fewer and further between.
And I simply won't let her anger and coldness bother me any more. I KNOW she's going to do things I don't like, and I care less and less because someday soon it won't be my concern at all.
Everyone's right. The opposite of "love" is "indifference", and the sooner I get there, the better off I'll be.
Wife In Name Only, eh? The last time I checked, those were the call letters of the radio station where the hippy dippy weatherman worked ("tonight .... darkness .... with scattered light in the morning ... etc").
"My WINO" - it does have a certain ring to it. Works for me.
