I'm on my first weekend day without my kids where my parents are not here anymore and it is a real shock to be away from them.  I'm not even sure what to do with myself.  I have lots of school work to do but I really just want to get out of the house. 

So those of you who have endured this and felt that loss, please tell me what you did???  I'm dying to know. 

I am going out with a gal I know tonight just to get out of the house but what do I do with my days?   Am I going to get use to being by myself?  Ughhh.  I was by myself all the time since STBX was gone al the time but this is different now that he is moved out and has the kids. 

What a shock to the system here!!!!!!!!!! 

Hey Charlie,

You wrote >>what do I do with my days?<<

Moving out of the house and into an apartment without my kids was difficult to me too, at first. In the end, it turned out okay. On these boards, people often say "take care of yourself first" or things to that effect. To me, exercise, eating better, and getting regular sleep are a part of the answer but they are a small part. "Taking care of me" means mainly answering the question "what do I want?". Taking care of other people is a great and noble thing and I don't mean to minimize it but if I take it too far, I risk can lose all sense of my self. At certain times, I try to revisit the question of what I want out of life (assuming that I don't have to worry about kids, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers etc.). Losing myself is sometimes just what I need - that's what standup comics are for. On the other hand, a strong sense of self can be an awfully important thing for kids to witness in a parent.

Or ... if you don't feel like tackling the big questions - running, lifting weights, reading, building furniture out of 2x4's, and beating the crap out of on an old guitar are at the top of  my "to do" list when the kids aren't around.

Your funny Bart.

I worked out Thursday and Friday hard at the gym so I'm not wanting a workout today.  I'm a bit sore.  I don't have any problem exercising.  I will go tomorrow.  Maybe a rollerblade down the beach would be nice.  I need some outdoor stuff to do.   I really have lost my sense of self from having kids and not ever having my H around anyway.  This is real difficult.  My biggest problem is that most of my support system has moved out of area in the last year.  That is a real bummer.  I had lots to do with them but now most of them are gone. 

I guess I'll get used to it???????????????????  Right?

Son #1 graduated from HS last week and lives with mom fulltime. Son #2 is now out of school, and lives with me except for "parenting" time he spends with mom during the week and Friday night/all day Saturday.

Some Saturdays I sleep late. Some Saturdays I clean or do some yardwork. Some Saturdays I get out of the house. Some Saturdays I work. I can't say "I know how you feel" because I don't have a special-needs son that I take care of all the time. But I can say I also feel lost after I drop him at his mom's for the night.

Today I felt emotionally strong enough to pitch some more things of hers into boxes. I felt strong because my parents were here with me most of the last two weeks, and I am beginning to feel less isolated and more myself. I felt strong because I had a long talk with my wisest sister last week, and she asked me, "Chris, you don't really want to stay married to her, do you?" I realized, and admitted to myself and to her out loud, that the answer really is "NO".

I also took some babysteps at moving forward in disposing of my businesses so that I can "get a real job".

I think I'm getting unstuck. (Also longwinded )

All I can say to you is that it takes time...lots of time. I'm sure that will sound familiar around here.

Chris.

Chris

I know I don't really want to stay married to him either.  He has done nothing but show how everything else is more important than me my entire life (ie his job, his mistresses, porn, the computer, the TV, etc) and it has been a rude awakening coming out of that the last few months.  I have had lots of time reflecting on it and realizing I only stayed because of my fear of being alone and fear of raising a child with a disability.  This too shall pass.

Well I'm off to go out.  Have a good night and weekend everyone.

Charlie

 

Chris,

"I had a long talk with my wisest sister...."

Wonderful. 

"I realized, and admitted to myself and to her out loud, that the answer really is "NO".

Pretty painful transition, but there it is.

"I think I'm getting unstuck."

Getting unstuck is sticky business. huh.

'So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers'

 

 

 

 

Detox takes a while, no matter what we're detoxing from.

Chris.

Ok, lady, spill it!

Did you live through the weekend?

Chris.

Alright Chris

I had 3 propositions when I went out the other night.  It feels good to get some attention.  I keep thinking that I stayed faithful for 15 years while he was out being stupid and wonder why I was so good to him.  Ughh!  I had this guy who I'm sure was in his 20's literally staring at me a couple seats down and man he was real cute!  We're talking white starched polo shirt whew!  Not long term material but wow.  Then I thought about kid and really kind of understood what she went through that night.  I just don't think I could wake up the next morning and not feel guilty.  Silly isn't it?  I went home by myself.

Oh BTW, those margaritas were really good but the glasses were way too big!  I had a good headache the next morning which really isn't my style!

 

 

This actually raises a serious question.

After 21+ years without having to find a date, I have no clue how to go about it now. My male friends are married or in relationships.

I never was into meeting people at bars, so I guess I'll be doing the "active life" stuff...classes, groups, etc.

Chris.

Chris

I know what you mean.  It's been 17 years for me too.  I have no intention of meeting someone in a bar either.  I just really need to get out of the house sometimes especially when the kids are gone now.  It is rough on me.

I think I'll just be waiting around until someone comes my way.  I think when your actively looking you won't find anything anyway.  That's always how it works!

Charlie

In reality, I don't think I will be sending out any "look at me" vibes for quite a while.

Neither my son nor I need the confusion of a new relationship anytime soon.

Chris.

I feel a let-down when I have to say goodbye to my kids, too. Last week, they got into a major fight just a half hour before their Dad came. During it, for a fleeting instant, I thought, "I'm glad they're going." But I'm never glad. I feel at my best when they're with me.

My life is my kids. Like you I have special needs children, too. So I've schlepped them to doctors, therapists, and been the key negotiator with every teacher and school administrator who affects their lives. I've invested my life in them (and in their Dad who didn't care -- but that's another story).

You did the right thing to schedule a girls' night out. In the beginning, I did the same. Distraction works great.

I'm glad you got feedback from the young stud that you're desirable. Between your husband's infidelity and porn browsing, the attention from other men that you're "hot" is a great affirmation.

The world is bigger than living with our cheating spouses.

Ruth

So does it get easier after a while?  Being alone?  My STBX will have them all to himself near the end of the month b/c I'm taking a trip out to CA to see my sister.  I don't think that will be hard for me since I'll be away and with family but when they go for a weekend when I'm home alone, that will be tough.  Maybe I'll make another trip at that time to see my other sister (I can drive there)??  I also feel my best when my kids are with me but I'm thinking that in the future it may be nice to have a weekend free if I were to meet someone decent and want to date.  Who knows?

 

 

Charlie,

It does get better. I've been on the custody arrangement for a year. That means alternating holidays, and he gets them the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends. He also has one weeknight.

At first, I was extremely resentful. I didn't have kids just to not spend every moment of their childhood with them. I also detested that he didn't care enough about the children to stop his impulses and put their needs for a stable home and loving childhood first.

And I resent that he and the OW, they're married, play house with my children.

But I can't change it. Can't stop it.

I've gotten use to saying goodbye to the children. I'm very careful to not make snarky comments about their father and the OW. I also don't grill them about what goes on there. Sometimes, they need to talk it out. But I listen and avoid anything but neutral comments.

Still, it is painful to know that because of his immorality, I'm forced to sacrifice my precious time with my children. I'm a homebody at heart -- not a clubber or party girl. So even when they're gone, I stay at home.