Well I went for the start of training for a new job today. The job is not the point of this post.
While we're sitting around talking about the different shifts, another team member mentions where she lives. I say I live there too. She says she lives near a certain landmark. I say I live near that landmark too. I say I live in such-and-such a street. So does she!! It's a long street and we're at opposite ends on opposite sides. My house she would probably know because we sometimes have our big boat out in the driveway etc. She was talking about swapping shifts now and again as she does voluntary work and I said I would be happy to swap because any shift suits me. So I handed over my name and number, and she gave me hers. I would like to make new friends and she's about my age-group.
Now the creepy part.
Her name is also the name of my best friend, which is not a common name. Vaguely from speaking to OW several years ago, I think she mentioned that she had a friend with this same name.
Now back then, when I asked my H if he told OW where he lived (I was outraged), he said he thought he did. At the time, OW said to him that she had a friend who lived in our street. Again, back then, I asked H which house this friend was supposed to have lived in and he vaguely waved to the top of the street on the opposite side as we drove past one day. Lo and behold I check the address on my way home today that she's written down, and it's about where he vaguely waved several years ago.
What if this is OW's friend? I don't think I could work with her. Sooner or later, it's bound to get back to OW, just in the course of normal conversation. "Oh, guess what, at my new job, somebody else who is new lives in my street etc".
Argghhh.
Should I ask H if he can remember details?
Should I ask the co-worker if OW is her friend?
Fortunately, we won't be working the same shift. But I am absolutely hateful of OW having any knowledge of my life now.
Why should you even give a ****e what the OW knows or doesn't know about you? It's not like she can affect you at work, unless YOU let her, which is what you seem to be doing right now.
Bottom line: Is your H still with her? No.
Did he choose you? Yes.
So if OW finds out you work with her friend, so what? What will her friend be able to report back to OW? That you seem to be very happy in your new job and your marriage? Gee, I'm sure that will make OW happy, won't it?
Remember, OM was a very good friend in my situation. He knows where I live, my phone number, what I do with my life, my kids names, etc. All of this knowledge had NOTHING to do with my recovery, my W's recovery and the recovery of our marriage. If nothing else, he gets to know on a daily basis when he sees my W at work that in a very warped way, he helped our marriage to become stronger.
I think OW may not be too happy to see you become friends with her. Maybe she will feel betrayed. After all how would you feel if one of your friends became friends with OW. Would you really want to continue the friendship? OW has more to lose.
FR, how you feel is how you feel. You want as much as possible to put all this crap behind you and now here you are at a new job and here's someone that reminds you of the entire affair thing.
But are you going to allow this whole thing to continue affecting your life forever? And how far are you going to take this?
If you knew the OW and your H once went to McDonalds at a certain location are you going to stop going there?
If you knew the OW happens to think red is a great colour are you going to dump all your red blouses?
If the OW's uncles, cousin's hairdresser happens to be next door to the dry cleaners are you going to find another dry cleaner to avoid any connection at all to the OW?
I'm being totally obtuse and off the wall here FR but I guess I'm trying to prove a point.
Figuring out how to avoid the OW and any connection to the affair is going to end up becoming a life-time obsession if you let it.
My HINO's "girlfriend" works at a local mall. I know where she works, I know where she lives, her phone number, her sister's name, how many kids she has, etc etc. And I imagine she knows alot about me. Big deal. Hasn't affected my life in any way. What has affected my life is that my friggin HINO continues to see her and talk to her and take for granted that despite all we've been through that he will always have my good will and support. He chose his freedom to **** whoever he wants over his wife and family. THAT's what affects me.
I am someone who sees the OM very often and has to deal with members of his family face to face. From my experience I can tell you that at first there was some anxiety (on my part) but as the time I spent dealing with this increased, my anxiety decreased. I have been doing this for about a year now, and have spoken to the family members about five times. There are still issues, but it gets easier each time. I'm sure that the OM gets information about our activities through this connection, and although that doesn't exactly make me happy, I'm not too concerned about it. We get information too when these conversations take place. Right now he has more to loose in the enchange than we do, since his life isn't exactly going well.
Anyway, from my experience, if everyone behaves themselves, you should find it bothering you less and less as time goes by.
Thanks everyone, I knew I could come to you all. Logically, I totally agree with you. But I got all 'thingy' thinking that OW may know how much I earn and other tidbits about my life...................
As it turns out, I asked the coworker today how long she'd lived there. If she'd said more than 4 years, I would have collapsed. But she actually said 'about 2 months'. So the good news is, it isn't her.
But I have news today that WAY eclipses this matter.
Just did a home pregnancy test and it's positive. Told H, and he's thrilled. I don't know what to think. I'm 38 and thought my baby days were over. This is totally unexpected. It wasn't even a feint line of doubt, instant two red lines without a doubt.
FR, I've had two pregnancies both of which I experienced at particularly low points in my life and I consider them both to be gifts from some higher power to focus me on something bigger than my own self-pity.
Maybe that's attributing far too much importance to my insignificant life to consider that my petty problems are worth some sort of intervention over all the bigger problems out there but honestly and truly given how difficult it is to get pregnant (and esp at 38!) how can each one not be a miracle and a gift?
If you're getting pregnant you're obviously making love often enough. How wonderful. Consider my situation where my HINO hasn't cared to make love to me in almost three years. Now a pregnancy for me (even at almost 40 years old) would be truly a miracle ie an immaculate conception and signal of the second coming!!!
FR -- welcome this pregnancy as a good and positive things on which to focus your attention. It shouldn't be an excuse, however, to overlook your issues and concerns or fundamental problems in your relationship. Babies don't fix problems ie if they'll only bring another element to an already rocky relationship. So keep working on how you feel and your recovery before this baby comes.
I just read this and wanted to say congradulations.
I was the same age when I got pregnant with the last one. So now I will share my little story.
I was scared to death. My marriage was so bad that we were both thinking divorce (well H says he wasn't but I sure was) and unbeknowst to me (but I was very, very suspicious) the A was hot and heavy at this point. Here is the kicker.
H was 47, I was 38. H had NO children, didn't want them and had a vasectomy "21 years" earlier. Twice during this marriage I had pregnancy tests so by this time I was convinced that it was impossible for me to get pregnant. I went to the doctor for some other things and was thinking I was just going through early menopausal stuff. She insisted I have a test, just to rule it out and I thought it was funny. Not so funny when it came back positive. I was terrified. H tried to talk me into having an abortion but I just couldn't do it. I was sure that I would be raising this child alone. By this time I was old enough to know that having a child would NOT fix a marriage but only make things worse. It was a very scary time for me.
But, interestingly enough, H stuck with me and instantly cooled down the A, although he still kept it going (just friends). That was when our marriage got a lot better and my suspicions went way down.
But anyway, this child has been a true blessing in our lives. You are older and wiser and more patient and understanding and you are relaxed enough to really appreciate all of the wonderful things that a child is. My H is an incredible father. That in itself was a shock to me. She helped to put our focus where it should be and when the A was revealed, I think it was that much more of a kick in the stomache to H when he had to face that not only was he hurting me, but he was hurting her too.
Anyway FR, good luck. Treasure all of the feelings, the sickness, the little kicks, the birth etc. The blessing to be able to experience it one more time.
Dear FR,
I also had my last baby at 38 it was wonderful for the family...it was so much fun...he
has kept me sane...for the last 21 yrs...
This child was my gift from God.....
H was having his ONS's before, during and after son was born...D-day 1 was when son was a a year old.....
Son has kept me young... I had one in kindergarden and one in college...
Son is in tune with my feelings...very protective of me and we are close...
Enjoy this time of your life it is so much easier having a baby later than early 20's you are not so strict and there is better communication, because you are not so stressed about everthing being perfect....
My girls have spoiled him well, but he is nicely spoiled...LOL
I read your news earlier but couldn't respond then.
Congratulations!!! Hurray for you and your H. And I'm happy to hear that your H is "thrilled" about this baby who will be such a blessing. How many children will this make for you, three?
It's taken me two weeks to get to the doctor - just coming to terms with it. After going back over dates etc, I may be further along than originally thought - at this stage we think about 12 weeks. So of course my mind wanders back to try and remember what I did or didn't do in that time - drink (which I know I did) etc. It can't be changed now.
On Thursday I am going for a Transnuchal scan, and for those who don't know what it is, it's to test for the probability of Down's. It won't give me a yes or no answer, it will only give me a probability - for example 1 in 10 which is very high, or 1 in 10,000 which is low.
I'm still unsure how I feel about it all. I'll just have to cope with it. I am having a low day today - I just feel beaten and defeated. I have 3 daughters, maybe this time I will get my son?
FR, My 4th was a son!!!! I treasure him, he is the light of my life...He was a big surprise but he helped keep me sane during the ONS's H was having 21 yrs ago.. and thru the years has been a great kid.
