First of all please let me say that I am so greatful for these boards. I can't talk to my husband, not really, but I CAN come here and learn and see that my feelings are not crazy but real and oh so painful....
Here is my question.....how in the world is it possible to trust again? How do I let go of the most horrible betrayal that anyone could ever go through. My husband, who drug our home and our marriage through the mud for a girl in a coffee shop, is trying so hard to make it right. He had this affair twice...9 months apart. I just DON'T know how to ever trust him again. I feel like it just isin't possible. Could someone please tell me how??? or if it is even possible? It has been a year this week since the last episode...there has been NO contact...he is VERY active at church...has grown so much in his spiritual life..still. I am not convinced..nothing helps me. I guess I am afraid if I completely let go of this distrust I will loose my edge on "seeing" the signs should he do this again. Am I crazy???
Shar

Shar

You aren't crazy Shar -- its perfectly normal and understandable and I'd say justified to be cautious about immediately trusting him again -- esp if he did it twice over 9 mos.

Going to church often doesn't guarantee fidelity in marriage. Lots of church-going folks have their share of affairs. That alone isn't enough. But if it looks like he's working hard and behaving himself that is a positive sign.

Others may not agree with me but it's not up to you to figure out how to trust him again. It's up to him to earn your trust. He needs to find out under what conditions you will trust him again. Tell him what you need no matter how unreasonable it may sound.

Do you need him to show you all his cell phone records? Do you need him to account for his time for a while? Do you need him to stop hanging around certain people or places or friends? Do you need him to give you all his email and voice mail passcodes so that you can check on him from time to time? Do you need to see all the bank/credit card records?

Whatever it is, he should be willing to do. And if he's not willing I'd question his commitment towards regaining your trust.

In my own situation I asked my H to give up his pager -- he didn't. So I hacked into it and discovered it was a major tool for he and OW to communicate. I asked him to give up his hotmail on the internet -- he didn't and he wouldn't give me his password. I asked him to stop seeing or talking to the OW -- he said he would be even almost two years later has not given up his contact with her. I asked if he'd attend counselling with me -- nope.

And then earlier this year he said he wanted to end our marriage because "I would never trust him again." Hah! I replied. What had he done to earn it back? Nada.

Its not up to you to figure it out -- that's his job.

Shar,
You will never trust fully again...that said it takes time until you are confortable and not checking everything he does and says...that is normal.

At this point watch his behavior and if he missteps you will know....Just relax right now take a deep breath and look at his behavior when he did have A's look at what is different now as you look back, what he did then, compare the actions now..that is the telling point...Trust your feeling now...if he does break the trust big red flags will go out...it is our fear that keeps us from moving forward...Trust what you see and what you feel. Do you trust him 50% of the time? 90%...it will never be 100%...but you can trust a little more today than last week than 3 mo's ago...it builds slowly....

AND you are not CRAZY .

Pat

Shar, what's wrong with being a little crazy?

Anyways, when it comes to trust, do NOT expect it to ever be 100 percent ever again. It won't, and be sure your H knows that as well. That 100 is gone forever, and in my opinion, that's a good thing. IMO, we're ALL imperfect human beings and don't deserve that complete trust.

Like the late President Reagan said, "Trust... But verify".

Now, as for rebuilding at least some of the trust: Start small. In my situation, OM was a good friend who also worked with my W. Still does. When my W would leave for work, I had MAJOR anxiety attacks over and over during the time she was gone. I just "knew" they were spending their breaks together, talking, etc. As a way to alleviate this, my W started calling me during her breaks and her lunch. It was a way for her to show me that she was spending her free time with me and not with him. She did this on my request with no argument. Not only did it help alleviate those anxiety attacks, it helped to lay the foundation for the rebuilding of that broken trust.

Another thing she did was, whenever she went anywhere without me, she would tell me exactly where she was going, what she going to be doing and what time she would be home.

Little things, yes, but they went a long way.

Another thing to try is a more "hands-on" approach to building trust: A blind walk. This is when one person gets blindfolded and the other's job is to lead them around safely. Being a blindie, I was forced to do this from almost day one after D-Day. It was eye opening (pun intended) to me, how much I DIDN'T want her to lead me around after D-Day. I honestly felt that I would rather risk that shopping mall during Xmas season without her. It's an experience, believe me.

Hope this helps,
Cory

Sight and Vision are two different things.

No you are NOT crazy......

My H had 2 affairs with the same woman............just couldn't give it up the first time, but I chose to stay because HE would do anything to stay and he has. He is doing all the right things for me and I can see the pain in his eyes when the subject comes up so I do know that he understands the magnitude of his actions.

It has been 3 yrs since the last A and I still have trust issues...............BUT as time goes by as long as he is working hard in the marriage, trust starts to come back..............I will NEVER truly trust with all my heart.......at least that is what I say to myself NOW, but I have come a long way since 3 yrs ago and have let go some of my apprehensions about his every move. One year is not long enough and I can remember feeling exactly as YOU do now......it does lessen with time if you truly love one another, you can have a good marriage again.........it will never be the same and he knows that too that I will never fully trust again, so he has to work twice as hard now to earn every bit of trust to help me through the pain he has caused our marriage and life of 35 years.

Hang in there........time either heals all wounds or at the very least helps you to begin thinking more clearly to do what you need to do for YOU.........to make YOU happy again.

Jane