Well, I had a discussion with an old friend of mine with whom I had lost touch, as we caught up about where we are and how we are doing.

She knows of my H's affair being one of the first people I told when things were still really raw in the first few months. So as we caught up she asked me how things were for me in that area.

The first thing that came to my head was "That's not a positive area of my life. Things aren't going well there for me and right now I'm just choosing not to deal with it. Its a situation that isn't great but not unbearable and for now I'm choosing to do nothing about it and focus on the good things."

I explained how I'm focusing on my health, on my kids, on my career and my marital situation just is what it is and I'll deal with it when I am good and ready. I told her that I know alot of people wouldn't understand that but I'm making the decision that is right for me today and maybe in the future it will be another decision but this is how it is right now.

And she was so understanding about it. No indignant calls for "But you should get out! How can you stand it? You deserve better. If that happened to me I would..." yada, yada, yada fill in the blanks.

Her take on it was every decision regarding relationships is risky. You get into a relationship or a marriage not knowing everything but making the best decision you can based on what you know and where you are at. You don't know how things are going to change in the future but you take the leap of faith anyway. She did it a few years ago living with a guy for 4 years, finally getting him to commit to a marriage only to have him break it off 3 mos prior to the wedding and move out of the country. When she originally moved in with him all was happiness and hope for the future and then boom, one day, it all changes and she wondered "How did this happen? Could I have known?" and the answer was no because not even he knew.

And she said, "If I had two kids to think about I'd probably make the same decision. And there are probably alot of people who do the same thing. That's why you get people in their 50s with grown children getting divorced. Because they all waited for the right time to make their decision for their situation."

It was great getting some support for my particular choice. She accepted the fact that I have to make the decisions that work for my particularly situation in life without regard to anyone else's thoughts/opinions or situation.

Jane,

You have made the best decision for you...you know what is best for you and your children...I made the decision 20 yrs ago to stay with H and work on our relationship...I worked but he didn't , he reverted back to ONS"s...again blaming me for his actions...his addiction to other women who fit his image of a perfect woman size 6. small boned small breasted has been part of my life for so long...I saw or sensed the ONS's but didn;t admit them to myself because I would have to take action...in reality make a decision to leave...with 4 children I was in a tough place so I lived in my world and H did his thing until I couldn't take it any longer...the year of his A was also a year of planning a daughters wedding...then I began to focus on me but it still took a long time for me to confront H with evidence of A...
As you go forward you will always be happy that you put your children"s happiness before your own...my kids are well adjusted and doing well...oldest daughter struggles with her H but they are working with MC and if she leaves it will be all right. we will support her, she stays because children need their father.. H doesn't value her or their children he is more interested in his activities and I suspect that he may have a drinking problem.
I know that there are a lot of women who have made the same decision that you have but you don't hear about them, I will also say that there are many men who stay in a bad marriage because they want to be with their children, and you are so right about the marriages that break up when the children leave the house...
I know that having a real live person understand your situation is a blessing for you....
Keep listening to your heart it will lead the way.
Pat