I thought this would make an interesting post for all of us. How many difficult women do we have out there? May I see a show of hands please?
I used to THINK I was one but after reading how a lot of other ladies here respond to THEIR boundaries being broken and THEIR hearts being ripped from the depths of their chests, I would say that THAT is an incorrect statement.
I have read lots and lots about A's and reactions to them by women and we are not difficult but very normal....
we got the" difficult to live with" because H's had to justify their selfish behavior A related, so we became difficult or nasty, what have you...
intense...absolutly...I was very intense trying to get to the bottom of the A and finding out what happened and why...I will go so far as to say I look at things now judging whether it is morally right or not.
You know, I though about including men but I figured I should consult my expert on the male pschy first.
So since he approves, by all means guys, join in.
I'm building up ammo. The next time I hear that one of us, man or woman, is difficult to live with or intense or bull headed or whathaveyou, I'm gonna blast em with this survey.
Plus, I'm building up my own strength against that STUPID comment.
If you buy into astrology at all, as a Virgo I am reserved, patient, outwardly cheerful and agreeable, affectionate, practical, sensible and witty as well as a meticulous planner, logical and highly attentive to detail. But I can also be highly critical, have high expectations of myself and others, with a tendency to identify and point out other people's faults quite readily.
I'm not difficult -- its just that everyone else has it wrong.
But seriously now, no one is perfect. I would say however that love, respect and affection are powerful filters. One can put up with a great deal when one feels loved, appreciated and protected. My HINO hasn't really changed much over the last 20plus years -- its just that when we were in this journey "together" the faults he had were less important as we recongized we could count on each other to help us deal with those issues. I helped him apply some order and structure to his life and he helped me soften my judgemental and critical nature.
But once he withdrew from our lives as a "couple" and decided he'd expand his scope beyond the two of us, I wasn't as willing to deal with his crap. (Sorry, my critical nature is coming back.) If he decided he doesn't want this marriage anymore then he loses all benefits and entitlements including the benefit of my tolerance for his shortcomings.
So does that make me difficult? No. It just makes me less of a doormat.
> does that make me difficult? No. It just makes me less of a doormat.
I love that!
I think anyone is difficult to live with. I mean, I know I'm difficult to live with. So is my husband (addict behavior notwithstanding). Marriage - unless you have a perfect partner) entails accepting those little quirks.
Unfortunately when one's partner is looking to excuse their own bad behavior all their spouse's day-to-day shortcomings suddenly become grist for the mill. Its that old story: "Gee, I hate how my husband leaves socks lying around the living room all the time. I think I'll go spend time with this other guy because I've never seen his socks in my living room..." Affair partners have that fresh glittery sheen because we've never had to live with them and accept all their faults.
As a betrayed spouse of many years(now divorced)I was subjected to a number of petty little games my ex wife and her sleezy lawyer liked to play.During the height of all this my sis guided me to a biblical passage found in the book of Proverbs. This passage stated "Better for a man to sit on the corner of a rooftop than with a brawling woman in a wide room" after I picked myself up off the floor(I leterally fell off my bed laughing) I determined that this passage summed her up to a tee.Just thought I'd pass that along.
Well, I brought these 'words' up with H last night. It was actually fun. Thank you all for you opinions. You gave me strength, courage and confidence to 'nip this in the bud.'
I was so ticked off about it but now it seems kind of funny. This apparently is a trigger word for me. DIFFICULT. But not painful anymore.
I asked H just how it is that I am difficult? I of course got the same answers that you all have but I also got a new one.
He said that lately he sometimes feels INTIMIDATED by me now. Well, I admitted that I have probably become intimidating at times now but that I think it is because of all the times that he intimidated me. So he started to deny that he had ever 'tried' to purposely intimidate me and I proceeded to give him 'the list'. We both started laughing because there was no denying it.
Anyway, thanks. I'll be curious to see how often he uses THAT word with me again.
I have to laugh. In my early 20's I was the most even-tempered, least reactional, most trusting and laid back person you could possibly meet. Then I met my husband and slowly that all changed.
The more I was lied to, the less trusting I became. The more I was cheated on, the more reactive I became. The more I was yelled at the more explosive my own temper became. On the whole, I'd say I could now be placed in the "less emotionally regulated, more highly reactive" category. In fact, I've often told my H that if he didn't want these traits in his wife, then he shouldn't have worked so hard to instill them in me.
In the early days when I'd tell him this he would, of course, just blow me off completely. That whole "accepting responsibility for his actions and the consequences of those actions" just wasn't working for him for some reason.
Since we've been in recovery (about a year now) and we've both been working very hard to eliminate the problem behaviors he's finally figured out how true it is.
