I dont know if I am in the right place. My wife had 2 affairs 18 years ago. She told me about it 3 years ago, when I asked if she had been faithful to me. I had always thought something had happened in 86, but was not sure if I really wanted to know. I think she sees it as my fault because I did not like her very much at the time. I loved her, but I wanted her to do what I wanted her to do. We have been together 25 years. I still cant believe it happened! We were virgins when we met. That is part of why it happened. My wife's best friend at the time could not believe she had never been with anyone else and she is the one who set her up with the first guy. I have never been with another woman.
Anyway, for the most part I am doing ok. She has never been able to tell me everything. She claims she cant remember, which could be true. I measure everything in the past from 86. The part that I am having trouble with is resenting her. I feel like she got away with it and left me no choice as to how to continue in life. We have two boys. If she had told be back then, I could have dealt with it and made a choice. Now I feel like I have no choice. I dont think I could leave anyway. I love her and she is all I know. It causes a great ambivalence in my soul. Love for her and disgust for what she did.
I have been holding most of this in for 3 years. We went to counseling for a little while, but all I heard was get over it! I dont know that it helps me to talk about it. If I talk to her, she gets angry, because I am reminding her of what she did. I just want to know is there anyone out there in this situation. How long am I going to have to eat this crap and smile?
You wrote: "I dont know if I am in the right place."
Trust me...you are definitely in the right place. Not one anyone wants to be in..but once here, this place is a great place for most anyone wanting to get help in recovering from an A. Welcome.
You also wrote "I have been holding most of this in for 3 years. We went to counseling for a little while, but all I heard was get over it! I dont know that it helps me to talk about it. If I talk to her, she gets angry, because I am reminding her of what she did."
Darrell, it's not clear if you were hearing "get over it" from the counselor or your W or both. But especially if from the counselor...run, do not walk...to find another counselor. One who knows that first of all, while your W's A's may have been 18 years ago.. for you they "occurred" when you found out three years ago. You are just at a 15 year disadvantage from your W. And since Peghgy Vaughan (one of the better experts in the field) says it usually takes at LEAST two years for a marriage to recover IF both parties are working at it, it is no surprise you find yourself still having to "eat this crap and smile." Please know that you don't have to.... it will take work by both you and your W..but you don't have to just smile and pretend.
Also find a counselor who knows that just because the A's happened long ago, your W still has to deal with it now since she didn't before.
Please educate yourself. You will see that you are very "normal" in your reactions, even though the A's were long ago. As you said, you weren't given any choices or information back then. Click on the helpful links. Read posts here, read recommended books and articles. Your W needs to do what she should have done years ago..help you get through this. Help you get through having lived a life which was really different than you had believed it to be. She may not like getting reminded of what for her is "ancient history," but that is too bad..because for you it is your current reality.
The great people here will help you. Please come back..post and read. If you care to..look us up in the chat rooms here.
Holy Cow, three years you've been holding this in. You will find here that you are not alone. Your feelings are perfectly normal and justified. All of us here will tell you the same things that Len already has.
Get on dearpeggy.com. It is packed with info.
Just as Len as already said, it does not matter that it happened so long ago. For you, it happened 3 yrs ago. And your pain was never acknowleged.
You just happened to get a really BAD counselor. I don't even hear of that happening very often any more. I, and many others here, are fortunate to have good counselors. I will suggest that you try again. Get references if you can. Anyone who tells you to just get over it, run like hell, as Len said.
Your wife could use some help too. She should read on dearpeggy.com also. You will find that your wife's affair was NOT your fault. Repeat. NOT YOUR FAULT. Everyone has problems in their marriage. Having an affair does not solve them. You were in this marriage with the problems also. Did YOU have an affair? NO. SHE DID. All by herself. It was 100% HER CHOICE.
If you weren't feeling pain and frustration, there WOULD be something wrong with you. Digging it up and dealing with it is no fun. But it is the only way to truly heal from it.
Ask all the questions you want. Write as long as you need to.
Your wife can also go to the OPEN board IF you are comfortable with that. She can get help for herself there from caring compassionate people.
I am sorry you find yourself in this heart-wrenching situation, and yes, there are others like you who have discovered years after the fact that the mate they loved and trusted had been unfaithful. I wish I could tell you the years in between would be helpful to you in some way, but the truth is you'll both have to deal with it beginning on Dday (discovery day) the same as if it had happened the previous week.
I have concern about the fact that you've "held this in" for three years. Please realize that you need to begin dealing with this in order to heal. Your wife won't understand, (for a while) mostly because she has had so much time to deal with her own feelings about what she did. You on the other hand, have to work with what you experience currently. It is a difficult situation for her to re-visit the past in order to help you, but I think you'll both find it to be neccessary in the long run. It's been my experience that there aren't many short cuts in this process...the work just has to be done. You will have to grieve and struggle and fight your way through together. It's not easy, but it can be accomplished. The important thing is, don't continue to sweep it under the rug and leave it there, because it won't just go away.
I suspect from the tone of your post that you are a Christian and understand the concept of forgiveness from a Biblical perspective. While that is a good thing, I know you are struggling with the resentment and negative feelings you have toward your wife. The fact that she can't or won't remember details from her past is a problem for you also. Honest communication between you is a must, no ifs, ands, or buts: however, it could be she doesn't want to share sordid details because of the pain they would bring to you. I pressed for details (we all do) with my wife and when she finally told me everything, I was devestated. You will decide how much you need to know, but be warned, nightmares and what we refer to as triggers become more of a problem as we learn more about the adulterous relationships. I guess the forgiveness aspect is a quandry that comes down to needing to know what's been lost/given away (so we know what we are forgiving) and finding out things that make forgiveness just that much more difficult to offer.
I understand very well your feeling of "being trapped" with no good options because of the time lapse. Children bring a whole different perspective to the process, and what's best for them becomes a big factor. Again, these things all have to be dealt with by the two of you one step at a time. My wife and I refer to "talking it to death" when we have to discuss some issue at length...and it works for us. Honest, soul-searching communication is the best medicine.
I don't have time right now to deal with alot more of what I know you are facing Darrell, but like everyone else here, I want to help if I can. I am almost twelve years past Dday and quite happy in my marriage, (even if it isn't perfect) so if nothing else I can offer you and your wife hope. Phone calls and emails are common here so if you think that to be helpful, let us know.
Unfortunately, I can relate all too well. On July 29 this year, my husband decided to confess to a four-year affair that began two years into our 22-year marriage. The affair ended when the OW dumped him. If she hadn't, it would have gone on forever, or until I finally caught him.
For 20 years I had been suspicious about that relationship, and for 20 years he told me that I was paranoid, jealous and mean-spirited for accusing an "honorable" man of something as horrible as cheating. For all that time I fought a battle in my head/heart to try to reconcile what my gut told me versus what the man I loved told me. It always ended with me choosing to believe him and disbelieve myself. By making that choice, I also had to choose to believe that I was paranoid, jealous and mean-spirited. So I have spent most of the last 20 years disliking myself.
Anyway, I don't have any advice for you, just commiserations. It's terrible to believe that you have lived a lie for so, so long. Such an incredible waste of a life. All I seem to focus on is what I could have done if only....
I appreciated your words, and yes I am a Christian. I have wondered a thousand times why I cant get through this faster, after all I have a living God inside me to help. And He has! But, I feel bad when I think about what happened because I know I should let it go.
Dont get to hard on my wife. She has tried pretty hard to help me. She was in counseling for several years with anxiouty attacks that were brought on from her guilt. She told me she did not know why. She was pretty much a chronic liar from her childhood. I new all that before I married her. She also went out on me in highschool. So I was not ignorant going in; I was just a little blinded by love. She is a wonderful woman and is very repentant over what she did. She told me for the first two years after 86 that she pretended in her mind that it was all a dream and did not really happen. I think the worst part for her is that she knows I will always remember what she did and think of her that way. That part is fading, but the other day she told me she had been faithful to me. I new what she meant, but boy, that made me mad!
I also was able to talk to both men (16 years after the fact). That was good for me I think. One of them I had not known. He admitted what he did and appologized for it. The other denied it. He was my wife's boss. What's strange about that was, she always thought he was a jerk. Theirs' was a very short physical affair, she said. That one I believe. The other guy, I think she really liked. She does not remember how long, probably 2 months.
Anyway, I want us to stay together most of time. Sometimes I want to leave. But you know, where would I go? She is all I know and all I want to know. I am very afraid of it happening again. She says no way. But I know lots of things happen. Thank all of you so much for your words of encouragement!
Len wrote >>Darrell, it's not clear if you were hearing "get over it" from the counselor or your W or both. But especially if from the counselor...run, do not walk...to find another counselor<<
Agreed. There are lots of marriage counselors who do a very good job of supporting an unfaithful spouse but are clueless about how to go about supporting a betrayed spouse. It's a very strange situation that I've never quite understood - many people earn a good part of their livelihood by responding to the impact of infidelity on betrayed spouses, including country-western singers, psychiatrists, policepersons, attorneys, E&J Gallo, manufacturers of anti-depressant meds, ... etc. etc. etc. (not to mention marriage counselors). You'd think that they would have figured out by now that "get over it" is a medieval treatment for betrayal. "Get over it" works about as well with betrayed spouses as it does with people with clinical (major) depression.
The Good News(tm) is that there are good marriage counselors who try to hold marriages together without ignoring the needs of betrayed spouses. The Bad News(tm) is that they can be hard to find.
Darrel wrote >>I dont know that it helps me to talk about it. If I talk to her, she gets angry, because I am reminding her of what she did. I just want to know is there anyone out there in this situation. How long am I going to have to eat this crap and smile?<<
I believe that talking about it does help (otherwise I guess I wouldn't have been posting for the better part of four years) and there is quite a bit of Good Science(tm) to support that. Because my (now) ex-wife refused to talk to me, I found a couple of individual counselors who were very helpful. Over the long haul, nothing corrodes my innards more than a Big Problem(tm) that I try to ignore (make that - eat crap and smile).
