March 15th, 2004 – That is the day that I joined this group – although I knew since January and it had been going on since October. My husband and one of my best friends! The woman who works in the same place as me – in fact I got her my job here when I took a promotion. The woman I have stood by and helped through many problems. The woman who I ate lunch with every single day – even throughout their “relationship.” This woman who had been my friend for years and years. This woman wanted my life – as my husband’s close friends have told me and would do anything to get it. When it all came out – everyone in our entire community was shocked and hurt. Everyone – including my husband and I, thought we had the perfect marriage – if there is such a thing. But through all of my sessions of counseling and our joint sessions of counseling – things just did not make sense to our counselor or me. Months into counseling more truth came out. My husband the first time was caught off guard and succumbed to this woman’s unbuckling of his belt and to what happened that night. When he returned to his truck – he was physically ill and cried and banged his hands on the steering wheel praying to God. A huge mistake had been made. But then is when it all really started. This woman used our “friendship” to maintain their relationship. With comments like – “you better make time for me, I am picking Kelly (me) up for lunch tomorrow.” “I can be a cold hearted bitch if I have to be.” “I will fight for you until the end.” And the list goes on and on. Some of you may find this hard to believe – at first I did too. But then he would say things that I had heard come out of her mouth. Still hard to believe, that is, until I got a phone call from another woman whom this same scenario happened to a few years earlier with this woman, and her husband. They divorced and five years later when moving found her husband’s journals detailing the whole “relationship.”
March 15th I confronted him and my daughter happened into the room at the same time – he denied it once and then with what my daughter and I both saw, he admitted it with a great deal of relief on his face.
I called this woman and called her a horrible name and threw the phone. My husband picked it up as I was running from the room and said “this is now over – she knows everything – don’t ever come near me again.”
I had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital. I realized I needed help when I looked into my 18-year-old daughter’s eyes and asked her to help me kill myself. Oh I left out that we have been married 19 wonderfully, happy years.
She continued to try to make contact with him and he was firm with her and always got a witness in the room if she did contact him. All he ever said in reply to her was I love Kelly – I have always loved Kelly and I will always love Kelly. Don’t ever call me again – what we did makes me sick. Literally, he threw up and was made ill by the talking and counseling. She would show up places he was and he would call me immediately and leave the place, talking with me on the cell phone and letting me confirm with someone else when she had arrived and that my H was immediately leaving.
My husband truly is the most honorable, honest, kind-hearted man I know. Yes – IS! He immediately gave me his cell-phone and e-mail and work phone passwords. He has cried every single day since March 15th and I believe many days before that. He has shown me love every minute of every day since this has happened.
This has been the hardest year of my life. I forgave him the minute he asked for it, that doesn’t mean I haven’t gone through every single bit of the grief process and still am. I just can’t forget!!!!!!!
This woman has never even attempted to say that she is sorry. I have to see her in my workplace every day. I have to hear her voice on the speaker everyday. That in itself has made this situation even more hurtful. All through out our friendship, I tried to be helpful and loyal to her and her children and husband. Always showing compassion for her situation and for her husband’s. I loved her and her family in the unconditional way that I love anyone that I allow into my life. I believed the things that she said at face value.
I have been reading here for a long time, waiting to see if anyone else had a similar situation. Is there anyone out there that does?
I love my husband with all of my heart. I hurt and I hurt seeing him hurt, and he hurts even more seeing me hurt, which is a vicious cycle. I trust him completely and know that he has not, nor will he ever contact this woman. He is appalled and embarrassed by what he did. He is appalled and embarrassed that as he puts it, was not more of a man to stand up to her. He thought he could end it and that I would not get hurt. As our counselor put it, he became so blatant so that he would get caught because he could never live a life with this secret. I see daily the pain and agony in his eyes and I see the love he has for me. He has apologized through many tears to our children and our families and our friends and our colleagues. We both have very public jobs, so this is not a secret at all. People have been very kind and compassionate.
I realize this is long and I have left out so many, many things – but I have lots of questions if anyone has time to help me.
I can feel your pain in your post. I am glad that you chose life and stayed open to love and healing. Ask any questions you want to ... I will be here and I'll answer anything I can.
It sounds like you and your H are doing everything you can to heal ... it is so difficult when you have a work situation like yours, and an OW that is bent on destroying. I hope that your family and community help lift you and your H with compassion. It took a great deal of courage for your H to publicly "confess" his wrong doing.
May the peace that passes all understanding be yours.
Stephanie
Hi. You are not totally alone in this. Your story is a bit more bizarre. Nothing suprises me anymore. There are a lot of us here who were friends with the OP. I was one. The thought of her pumping me for info and then running to lunch with my H behind my back. Being so understanding to him about OUR problems and trying to be the woman I was not for him. Literally turns my stomache.
There is a woman here named Cheer who's OW was her best friend for I don't know how many years. This woman continues to be a real nutcase. There are a lot of similiarities on this board.
Thank God your H is remorseful and trying to deal with this. This may sound harsh but as whacked as this woman is, it was still your H who LET her unbuckle his belt and continue that first time. What a way to learn a lesson. He probably learned it better than most.
Does the OW H know about these incidents? Do you HAVE TO continue to work in the same place?
Yes you are right - it was his fault too. I have been writing about this and writing about this - so I want to slowly share what I have written and ask for some feedback to help me think clearly.
“There are only two ways to live life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein
Recently life really threw me a curve ball – hit me square in the heart! Knocked me down for awhile, but didn’t knock me out! Bruised my heart, but didn’t break it and make it stop! It was a devastating injury to my soul – one that has made me search deeply into every part of my being to figure out my life and its direction. It has made me examine my faith in God and my faith in humankind. It has been a long journey! The winding roads have been full of ruts and potholes and it has seemed to be all uphill. The scenery has been dark and drab, and it stormed everyday. There have been times when I have been stuck up to my eyeballs in mud, not moving, just sitting there spinning my wheels. I have taken many roads through this journey – the “I hate God” route – I wouldn’t recommend it. The “I hate the world and everyone in it” route – I would definitely avoid that. I tried the “I just want to be left alone and wallow in my own self-pity” route – that route is no fun either. Oh and many, many other paths, all of which brought me no peace and left me feeling alone and bitter. Then I read the quote above and realized that not all miracles are of biblical proportion. I began to see that if we look at everything in our life as a miracle and find the beauty in it all, it is much easier to be happy and glad to be alive.
H is truly sorry for his actions and has repeatedly asked for forgiveness, not only from me, but of God, and of all others affected. Through this event, God has made His power and presence clear through him. He sees his entire life differently. He has learned and models daily to everyone around him that love is self-sacrificing. True, unconditional love exists for the good of others. He has learned that love is warm, kind, and sympathetic. That love, true love, cares about the present and future well-being of those that he loves. God, through this event, has revealed to him that it is a great thing to show his affection and devotion to his family. He has learned and shows what respect for others is. I believe that God has worked through me and our children to teach him what unconditional love and loyalty are. Even though he could not have possibly hurt me more, I accepted his apology and never stopped loving him, nor did the children. Maybe that part is a miracle.
Unfortunately, I have worked here for 25 years. I love my job - however, this summer I did look. I live in a small rural area and jobs like mine are hard to get. I have cried my way to work many a day though, but I just don't want to let her win again by quitting my job. It seems that she has soooooo much power over my life. I don't like it at all and want some of the power, but do not know how to get it. She is such a chronic liar that it scares me. She is also a very intelligent person and knows how to go about things to make herself come off as a victim in everything that she does. Yes - her husband knows and she kicked him out of the house and told him it was all his fault. He is disabled and doesn't work outside the home. Of course she got him to believe it was all his fault and he has been showering her with gifts and new construction, etc. She has made it clear to others that as soon as her daughter graduates this spring, she is outta there. But of course this poor guy has no idea.
I can't get past this obsession with her. I know people NOW know what she is like. But they do not know the depth of her deceit. I feel guilty when I see a few people getting close to her - really it is her making all the effort to break into my circle of friends at work - however, I know most of them know - even though I find it very hard to share my personal feelings at work. How do I get past this? Help me!
I can't help wondering who is next in this woman's path of destruction. The obsessing about the OW is part of the package thay you've been handed. All I can tell you is TIME. We all hate that word but we always fall back on it. And it is true. In time, she won't get to you as much, although, having to work with her everyday, I think it will take MORE time for you. There are others here who deal with that also. Keep in mind, you found out about her, so will others. My guess is, many already know. They may not know the extent, but they know.
Our OW was actually a school board member for a while. That whole school board was replaced. Lately I've heard very negative things about her. This is her home town. They are on to her. All the better for me. It will happen for you to.
I am glad that your H is so remorseful. You guys sound like you are doing all the right things. Have you read on dearpeggy.com? It is packed with info. Check out the helpful links here too if you haven't already.
You sound like a very strong woman Kelly. You are doing well.
I had to laugh as I was reading all of the emotional things you've tried. I think we've all been there. It's a process that continually changes.
Thank you for being here to help me. I know that many people know what kind of woman she is. But I don't understand why I give her sooo much power in my life. When I see her I all but sprint to the safety of my office and cry for a half hour. When I hear her voice I am reduced to tears. I have always prided myself on being professional in the work place and now I seem to be a bawling idiot. I try not to talk about the whole situation at work - I don't want my pain to bring pain to others - but people find it necessary to tell me that if I see them talking to her they are just being professional and nothing more. They don't want anything to do with her. But yet when I see people talking to her I am so paranoid that she will manipulate them as she did me and my husband. I check all work party lists and if she is signed up I do not attend - once again giving her the power. I see her trying to make friends with people closer to my office, yet I don't want to say anything to them because of course it would just sound like sour grapes. Please - can someone tell me how to make this stop - how can I take some of the power? How can I go about my work life and be professional again?
One "common sense" idea is this: you are not necessarily entitled to a pain-free life just because you've been through this horrible thing called infidelity.
What I mean is: there is only one person who can resolve your work situation. You can decide to live with it professionally (and deal with the pain and act accordingly) or you can decide to leave. You are not doing anyone any favors by worrying yourself crazy. You are not helping yourself, your marriage, or your employer.
So perhaps the person (counselor, therapist, psychiatrist) who helped you when you had your breakdown can help you again. You are right about one thing: you are choosing to give the OW far too much power.
Chris: Oh my gosh - you are sooooooo right and in fact I have written to myself about this until I am blue in the face. Why does it seem that we can tell ourselves those same things that you told me and then others can tell us and it makes so much sense and then reality hits and oh my gosh - it is so friggin hard to do.
In fact here is part of my writing and sometimes I think that I have an unrealistic view of things and that's why it is hard to get past. What I write makes sense to ME - but it is very hard to live it!
Hate corrodes the vessel that carries it.
For a long time I was full of hate, hate for the people that hurt me and hate for the entire situation, hatred of God, and hate for everyone and everything that got in my way. But then I drew strength from the quote above. I realized that my hate was only hurting me. It only made me feel bad, it only made me hate everyday that I woke up. I could see that I was the only one that could change how I felt. I was the only one that had to heal the hate I felt inside. But that brought on yet another panic attack! FEAR. Fear to feel happy again, fear to trust anyone with my heart and soul again, fear to believe what people said because I had been lied to by people that I loved and I thought loved me, fear of what would happen the next day or the next day to send me back down those routes I had been trying to get off of. But then I read;
“Fear can hold you prisoner, but hope can set you free!”
I was a prisoner in my own life – or what was left of it and I was the only one with the key. I had to start to trust just a little – I just had to start somewhere with one small step. The person I choose was the person that had hurt me the most, because that person was the one that I loved the most! I had always been able to trust him and I knew that he was one of the most honorable people that I knew. I believe that he was influenced by evil, took a path and made a choice, that if faced with the same choice again, he would not choose. He made a big mistake! We all make them and we all hope to be forgiven for them. If we are Christian we know that as soon as we ask forgiveness, in God’s eyes and heart we are forgiven. Because we are human, the forgiveness is the easy part; the forgetting is the hard part. He has shown me everyday the deep love and respect he has for me, and the true remorse that he feels. When I began to start trusting him, just a little, it was easier to maneuver those routes and eventually take the right path.
I am not sure why my life took this detour into never, never land. In addition to the lessons I have already talked about I know that I have learned who my true friends are, even though I am still afraid of opening myself up to others, I am taking small steps everyday to correct this. I have learned that there are evil people in the world that are selfish and only out for themselves and their interests and that I need to learn to recognize the difference and not do as I have in the past and believe that everyone is good. This too I am learning to be careful of everyday.
Hi,
My situation is sort of close to yours. I had what I thought was the perfect husband and the perfect marriage. That all came crashing down on me in one short moment.
My husband swears to this day(five years since d-day)that the OW threatened to tell me if he didn't continue the affair. That is his excuse for letting it go on for ten months. He finally told her to get lost and leave him alone.
Two days later I got out of my car to go into my husband's work to take him lunch. I heard my name called. I looked and saw a woman so I walked up to her. She said "You don't know me but I have been your husband's girlfriend for the last ten months." She handed me pictures of them together and informed me that he had brought my daughter(then 2)to see her. My three youngest kids(then 7,7 and 2) were standing there to see the pictures and hear all she said! I was totally stunned!!! I had absolutly NO IDEA that any thing was going on!!! Not a clue. But, it seems that she had followed through with her threat to tell me if he stopped seeing her.
I went inside and confronted my husband(threw the pictures at him). He chased me outside begging me to talk. I said, "Talk to this!!!" and threw my wedding rings at him. I got the kids and myself into the car and locked the doors. I could hear her trying to get his attention. He was screaming at her that he hated her, to shut the @#$% up and get the &*!! away from him. I drove off, not really knowing where to go.
I went into a downward spiral. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I lost 50 pounds in three weeks, my hair fell out, I tried to kill myself 7 times, ended up in the E. R. and the Psyche Ward two times each.
Through it all my husband was totally supportive, repentant, and wonderful. He would cry and beg me to forgive him. He said he loved me, had always loved me, never stopped loving me and would love me forever. One day at the mall he took the kids with him and told me to meet him at the fountain in an hour. When I got there he made me sit down. He got down on one knee and opened a box with a beautiful wedding ring in it. He said,"A new ring, from a new man, with a new promise. Will you be my wife for the rest of my life?" I looked at the ring, then at him, then at those three beautiful smiling faces and of course I said, "yes".
He has lived up to his word ever since. He goes nowhere without telling me exactly where he will be and giving me phone numbers, addresses, whatever. He gave me his email passwords. In the early days, maybe the first year or two, he knew that I was checking up on him every second. He said that it was fine with him and he welcomed it. He says he has no secrets and he WANTS me to know everything. I have since slacked up on the constant watching, but he knows that at any moment, I just might check out his story, and he has no problem with that. He is a caring, loving, doting husband. There isn't anything that he wouldn't do to make me happy.
I guess I should say that everything is peachy and the world is rosy with me. I suppose that it should be. The thing that I find odd is that in the beginning, when I first found out, I felt this crazy out of control love for him. Now, all these years later, I find that I don't feel love for him at all. I am still numb of any feelings for him. He swears that he did go out with her many times, went to her apartment, kissed her twice but, NEVER had sex with her. I still believe that he is lying. I KNOW that he is lying. He has sworn on the lives of our children that he did not. I know it is a lie. Until he tells me the truth, I cannot forgive him. I am still married to him and he thinks all is wonderful. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from holding everything in. But I don't want to rock the boat. He's happy, the kids are happy, everyone in the world is happy, happy, happy, so I suck up and pretend that I am happy too.
I can't talk to anyone because they all think that he is wonderful and that I am the one that is in the wrong now. I am the unforgiving b%^&+ and I should just drop it. If I am so unhappy I should leave or shut up and get over it. It's been five years and he is Mr. Perfect so what's the problem??? It isn't as easy as that. Not as long as there is this lie between us. I can't get it out of my mind.
You seem to be taking it all better than I am. But then you KNOW the truth. You have shifted most of the blame onto your friend and that makes it easier for you to deal with. I can't do that. I tried to hate the OW, I do hate her. But, my husband could have said "no" from the start and that would have ended it all right there. He is a grown man and I don't think she could have raped him. He had to be willing or it never would have went so far that she could blackmail him.
I am sorry that you are hurting so badly. It amazes me how far these people can go.
But see Kelly? There is almost always someone on these boards who can related to your exact situation.
Aanisah, you are having these problems now because you haven't fully dealt with the affair. You are not the bad person here. Surely you had some kind of counseling when you went through the suicidal phase, didn't you?
I would suggest you get back into counseling and get you H in there to work through this mess. You are together. You have both been through lot. There is a very good chance that with the right kind of help, you can have a good marriage again. And most importantly, YOU need to deal with this. It doesn't matter that it's been a few years. The more you stuff it in, the worse it's going to be.
This is a good step for you. Come here often and pour out your feelings. You are NOT alone and you are NOT a bad person because you are still hurting. It sounds like your H has done a lot but he has NOT done enough. There is a lot more work to do.
I am glad to see you post, I was just thinking about you yesterday. The reason is because I could relate to so much of your story and I wondered how you were doing.
You said:
"My husband swears to this day(five years since d-day)that the OW threatened to tell me if he didn't continue the affair. That is his excuse for letting it go on for ten months."
Yep same here.
"He has lived up to his word ever since. He goes nowhere without telling me exactly where he will be and giving me phone numbers, addresses, whatever."
Yep same here.
"I guess I should say that everything is peachy and the world is rosy with me. I suppose that it should be. The thing that I find odd is that in the beginning, when I first found out, I felt this crazy out of control love for him. Now, all these years later, I find that I don't feel love for him at all. I am still numb of any feelings for him. . . Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from holding everything in. But I don't want to rock the boat."
Yep same here.
"I can't talk to anyone because they all think that he is wonderful and that I am the one that is in the wrong now. I am the unforgiving b%^&+ and I should just drop it. If I am so unhappy I should leave or shut up and get over it. It's been five years and he is Mr. Perfect so what's the problem??? It isn't as easy as that."
Yep same here. Except my H is not Mr. Perfect. He lost interest in me sexually years ago and more and more there are problems with alcohol. Recently I have come to believe that maybe I should leave because after five years I don't see things getting better. I am looking for a new job so that if I do decide to leave I can. But I really don't want to hurt my kids and frankly don't think that being divorced sounds that great either.
"You have shifted most of the blame onto your friend and that makes it easier for you to deal with. I can't do that. I tried to hate the OW, I do hate her. But, my husband could have said "no" from the start and that would have ended it all right there. He is a grown man and I don't think she could have raped him. He had to be willing or it never would have went so far that she could blackmail him."
Exactly. It feels like they are still not taking responsibility for their choices.
I'm sorry you are still hurting Aanisah. I completely understand why. Like you I feel like people, even those here, think that I am the one with the problem.
Aanisah - like Rosie, I'm glad to see your post and to find out how things are going for you (although I'm sorry that things are still hard for you). I wanted to add a "you're not alone".
Aanisah, you wrote >>I can't talk to anyone because they all think that he is wonderful and that I am the one that is in the wrong now<<
I heard the other day that "no marriage looks the same from the outside and the inside". Three years after d-day, my ex was still lying but from the outside of our marriage, things looked very different. Three years had gone by and it was time for me to FF&MO (forgive, forget, and move on).
The brother of one of my attorney's went through something similar - he regretted staying with his (now ex-wife) for so long after discovering her affair. He told no one about her affair. Before divorcing, he became involved with another woman. To all the world (including his children) he was the Bad Guy(tm) (and perhaps he was).
I suppose it goes without saying that just because some people have some regrets about not acting more quickly and more decisively is no reason to divorce soon after discovering an affair. "Make no Big Decisions(tm) while emotionally destroyed" still sounds like pretty good advice to me. I suppose that "Make no Big Decisions(tm) about Life(tm) based on whether you might look like the Good Guy(tm) or Bad Guy(tm)" also sounds pretty good to me.
>>There isn't anything that he wouldn't do to make me happy ... He swears that he ... NEVER had sex with her ... I KNOW that he is lying<<
I'm familiar with that feeling. I also now know that being able to trust my spouse is very important to my happiness.
Ouch!!! That hurt me to the core reading your story. Our stories are very similar, with the exception that the OW in my story was my very "good friend. " Ouch again!!!!!
I truly believe that my imagination enhances everything! I know that my H can deal with this and want to put it in the past and swear that he will never, ever hurt me again because he knows the entire truth and exactly what happened. We only know what they tell us. My husband swears that he is telling the truth as well - but my imagination sees everything in made for tv movie vision. And when he is telling me that this is the truth -what does he mean 1. The real so help me God truth or 2. the truth (lies) that he told during the "relationship."
Well - you know that I believe what Chris said - that we are responsible for our own attitudes and choices. But something else I believe is I never asked for any of this and would have never put myself in the position to have to make these choices.
You are right too Aanisah - I have shifted alot of the blame to the OW - because she continues to make my life a living hell. She is a horrible, coniving, soul free person who has attacked the credebility of my children (ages 25, 21, 18) by things she spreads around our community, shows up at events of theirs - even when others ask her to leave or not attend, makes it a point to have me see her several times a week, and on and on and on. I can see exactly how she black-mailed my H into continuing with her - but the very first time was his big mistake - and he compounded it by not coming to me immediately so we could deal with it. Well - I guess we all know the truth they are willing to share. Then we choose to believe what we choose to believe.
I so hear you - everyone thinks - oh my gosh get over it! I try not to talk about it to anyone and that is why I started to write here for help. My gosh - do people really think that if we could just get over it, we would have done it a long time ago. I don't know about you - but I like the person I was before this - so much more than the pathetic, cry baby I am now.
Aanisah - have you ever let your husband read your writings? Maybe seeing it in black and white will show him how much you need the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I am such a PollyAnna that I keep thinking - maybe he is telling you the truth and because we have been hurt so badly - we believe it has to be the worst possible scenario. What if you are worrying everyday about something that never did happen? I want to just squeeze you and protect you from being hurt everyday, because I know it is just gets soooo old.
It sounds like you may be a Christian; I am. My wife had two affairs 18 years ago at the same time. She did not tell me until 3 years ago. One man was her boss who was known to have had several affairs with several of his employees in a big hospital. I had met him. The other also worked with her. I had not met him. When I found out, I wanted to meet these men face to face. I wanted them to see my face, and know my anger and pain. The boss, who now lived in another city, I talked to over the phone. He denied everything. The other man I met in person. It took me about 10 months to find him, because I only looked for him when I was angry.
In the end I learned that I had to forgive them. The best thing I did was to not try to contact them to ask questions or say things that I would later regret. Instead I wrote them a very short letter. The letter simply said, "I forgive you and I am praying that you will let God forgive you".
As much as their faces cause me pain when I see them in my mind, my wife is the one who made the choice to have these affairs. We had never been with anyone else until these affairs and she chose to end that. Her boss, who denied everything, has probably had more affairs than any man should be allowed to have, but he is unrepentent, and he will get what is coming to him. You can be sure of that! God does not lie! Vengence is mine saith the Lord, I shall repay.
So my advice is stand back, out of the way, and let God repay. It may take a little while, but He will do it, if you return good for evil.
Kelly,
No, I have never asked my h to read my writings. He knows that I have been on this site and he thinks that everyone here are "whining troublemakers" that are out to get him and cause everyone to want a divorce. He can't understand why I would want to discuss my life with a "bunch of strangers who could care less."
I have tried to believe him. You don't know my whole story. Some of those who have been here longer may remember me writing of my vengeful antics in the aftermath of d-day. I really went berserk! I made my h give me his e-mail password. He thought he had deleted everything but forgot to empty his trash. I found the letters she had written him. (He was so angry that he smashed his fist through a wood paneled wall and broke two knuckles.) I also went into our computer's cache and found a bunch more letters. I called the OW and I emailed her. She was more than happy to tell me all of the sordid details of their affair from her point of view. I broke into two of HER e-mails, changed the passwords and wrote to all of her contacts telling them what I thought of her. It was not pretty.
In one letter she stated, "I can't wait to feel your hard **** in my *$$". Not exactly something that one would say to someone that they weren't having sex with, right? One time h wrote to her, "I'm glad I saw you today. I could smell your perfume on me all day.......so sweet." So how does one get a woman's perfume on him enough to smell it all day? He told me that he did not have sex because he "couldn't". I found a prescription for Viagra that was filled the same month that the affair started. That would sort of point to the fact that he COULD!!
It was a ton of "little" things like this that led me to believe that he did indeed have sex with her. I don't think it is my imagination.
I remember before Bart's wife finally told him the truth, he used to write some things about his suspicions that echoed what I felt. When she finally admitted the truth after three long years of denial--I thought that there might be a chance that I would someday hear the truth. So far--it is not to be.
I thank you for the cyber squeeze!
Teri, If you're reading this, no I did not get counseling. I went to a shrink right after d-day when I was in the depths of hell. He did not want to counsel both of us. He seemed to think that I had a problem because I was so unwilling to forgive my h. It cost me over $300 for the first two visits and I came out feeling worse. My doctor put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs. I tried to o.d. myself twice, slit my wrists once and tried to hang myself three times. I guess God didn't want me either because I am still here!! I also carved or burned words into my flesh. The pain of doing that masked the pain in my heart. I am long past that stage--but I still have the physical and emotional scars.
Rosie, I have also felt the sting of remarks by some posters because I am not recovering by their standards. For the most part, though, I have found the majority to be full of loving support. It is my belief that I would be dead now if it wasn't for Arrow and the people who posted there. They gave me hope when I had none. Made me feel like I was part of something good for once.
Finally, dear, dear Bart!!! Great to hear from you. I am doing fine. Happy as a lark!! Happy, happy, happy!!! I have been following your divorce and all the problems associated with it. Hope you finally get it all settled and get custody of the boys. Your right about "Make no Big Decisions(tm) while emotionally destroyed" I may someday get the gumpshun to pack up and leave--maybe in 2098 or 99. Maybe not. I'm still feeling pretty emotionally destroyed.
So, you are an old timer. I would imagine that when someone suggests you get counseling, you probably want to slap them upside the head, then kick 'em in the stomach. Actually that's what I'd like to do to that C. That is horrible.
Am I to understand that your H continues to deny the A? It was in black and white in those emails. You can't get more detailed than that. And then OW told you more?
I had to laugh when you said that you got into her email and sent stuff to her address list. YOU GO GIRL! Wish I had that know-how. My OW is too stupid to use a computer. Could barely use email. That seems bizarre to me considering that my H is a computer freak.
Time frames that you mentioned to Rosie. I am learning about those. How we are all different. I still have a lot to learn.
Teri,
I suppose I could be considered somewhat of an old timer. I used to lurk on BAN but never posted. If you ever read those posts you would know that they seemed to be a very elitist and close knit group. When they switched to Arrow, I felt a little safer to join in. It still took a while to get up the nerve to actually post. When I did they were all wonderful. I felt right at home very quickly.
I really don't know where I got the knowledge to do some of the things I did right after d-day. Most of it was hit and miss. I found the OW's email addresses on my h's e-mail. I went to the Hotmail one and it was closed, so I signed up for it under my info. Then I went to her Yahoo mail and had them e-mail me the password. I got lucky that she had used Hotmail as her default mail. BINGO!! I was into both of them and she was out. The HM one had all the stuff deleted when it closed but Yahoo was in full swing. I played around writing her contacts for awhile pretending to be her to find out more. They caught on quickly and so I did the flaming bit. Someone turned me into Yahoo and that account was closed permanently. I still keep the HM one current. Not sure why. They have changed the way they give out passwords since then, so it wouldn't be as easy now as it was for me.
I did get enough info on her to show my h that he was not the only male she was messing around with. In fact she was living with a guy in a week, engaged to another guy within a month of my h breaking it off with her. Within that year after d-day she married, divorced and married again!! Before I was found out on her email, I intercepted a letter from her best friend asking her if she was cheating on her latest h!!
Anyway, yes, my h STILL denies that he ever actually committed the sexual act with her. He admits to having an affair. Not sure what he considers and affair to be. He says that "she was just kidding around" in the one that said she "couldn't wait to...etc...etc...". He says he got her perfume on him when he saw her at a mall and she hugged him. The Viagra was bought for us.(?!?I never noticed any difference!?!)
I asked a million questions in the beginning. Never really thought that I got a lot of truthfulness out of him. Now, he refuses to talk about it at all. He blows up if I even hint at any of it. So I shut up and do the slow boil inside. I have since found out a few things that suggest that she was not his first affair. According to him, she was his first and last. Whatever!!
It totally sucks to think that I probably will NEVER know the truth. That is what blows. I feel that I can't forgive if I don't know what I am forgiving. Some say it shouldn't matter. But, it does to me.
I don't want to slap or kick any one who seeks counseling or suggests it. It can be a lot of help to some. What I really needed was the truth from the beginning. Then I could have decided what to do with it. It would have been 5 years behind me. Now, I wonder exactly what I would do with the information if I ever did get it. I have tried to imagine that scenario. I probably would have to go through the whole berserk stage again. Maybe I would just pack up and get the heck out of Dodge. It is all speculation at this point as I don't feel that he will ever come clean.
So, I have to live with this shadow of lies sleeping in the bed between us. Not a life I'm looking forward to living.
Thanks for updating me. That would be tough. Knowing he is lying and still to this day he won't admit it.
We all have our limits on what we can live with. After 5 yrs, I would say that you know where your limits are. I'm still trying to figure mine out.
I have had some really stupid C in the past. When I was trying to deal with physical abuse I encountered some winners. That held me back from getting some serious help in the beginning. But also, the police dept was just starting to make some serious changes at that time too.
I am really fortunate to have the C that I do. Believe me, I went through 15 or 20 before I found him. I've been with him for 10yrs, off and on. He brings my sanity back.
Speaking of C, I'm off to spend 2 hrs with him today.
Searching for my own way.
Teri
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