I don't know if I am alone in this but, sometimes I catch myself doing stupid and petty things to "get back at" or "punish" my HINO and then I feel guilty about it later.
Like today. I know I shouldn't put my kids in the middle of all this or use them as tools or weapons but I don't always think straight.
My HINO was going to the airport to pick up his mum who had been away on a month long trip to visit family. He wanted to take our son with him as his mom is very attached to him and thought it would be nice for her to have him meet her at the airport. I agreed saying that would be nice. But that was yesterday. Today, all of a sudden I didn't want him taking our son.
Oh I made up alot of excuses to myself -- he'd miss dinner, his cousins were over and he'd want to play with them, he'd be in the way at the airport with all the luggage and stuff -- you name it I thought of it. But I know I just didn't want him to go with his dad because I didn't want him too. Period. No reason other than why should he go out and have fun with his ****head dad?
So I started the "game", planting the seed with my son that he didn't HAVE to go with dad if he didn't want to. My son suitably waffled all day on whether he'd go. Then, I planned for dinner to be a bit delayed and told my HINO that "He should go because there wouldn't be enough time for his son to have dinner before going to the airport. There would be traffic. He'd be late. Etc ETc."
I must have been transparent as heck because my HINO was having none of it. At one point I said he could go ask his son if he still wanted to go. He said to me "you'll just try to find some way to talk him out of it." So he hung around throughout dinner, got our son to eat quickly and then broached the topic with him. My son started "waffling" on his decision again and I started trying to manipulate him and then I caught myself... "What am I doing?" And I left the room leaving it up to dad and son to decide what they wanted to do. My son went with him after all.
God, we played this stupid game with each other for hours this afternoon. Me trying to orchestrate the situation so his son couldn't possibly go and my HINO lobbing back each attempt. My HINO probably feels like he "won" and I feel like such an infantile idiot.
What have I been reduced to? A grown woman, who should know better than to involve the kids, getting in dad's way of having a few hours alone with his son. I never thought I could be so immature.
My only comfort is that I recognized it in myself and stopped it before it got any uglier. Now, the trick is to catch myself before I do it next time.
This message has been edited by inthesky on Aug 30, 2004 9:58 PM
Don't you hate it when you can't kick yourself hard enough. Well, here, have some chocolate covered apricots with me and know that you will do your best to catch your self a bit sooner, next time.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You got caught in the web and next time you will be more careful.
jbean
Jane,
You caught yourself and that is what counts, you are aware of what you did and next time you will catch yourself...and stop.
We all do stupid stuff, so don't beat youself up about it...if it bothers you take son aside and tell him you were upset with H and didn't mean to put son in the middle.
(((((hugs)))) now go enjoy a few minutes of peace.
I've been following your posts today and noticed a distinct chocolate theme running through them.
Chocolate advice.
Isn't there wheat in chocolate?
How do you feel about sugar on stawberries?
Jane,
In all due respect to jbean, do you really think that chocolate covered apricots will help alleviate guilt?
Sometimes I think we're just way too hard on ourselves. I mean, afterall, we've been through ADULTERY and more. Must we pressure ourselves to behave perfectly in the face of such horrendous imperfections?
I've done that a little bit. Lucky for me (but not the children) that my ex is just too busy to care that much about the children's lives.
Actually, I've put these kinds of things to my children this way: it's fine with me if you go, and it's fine with me if you don't go (while secretly happy if they don't ). I don't try to fake my emotions one way or the other, but try as much as possible to stay neutral.
The important part, Jane, is that you recognized what you are doing and can watch out for that next time.
You're doing the best you can do.
Jean
Current Topic - Okay, sometimes I can be such a @!%&#.
