I don’t recall reading anything about this so that is why I’m asking.

I am fighting with H all the time now. At least it seems that way. At least once a week and often 2 or 3 times, he’ll do something that sets me off and I blow sky high.

Ever since he moved out for that week and I started IC, I have been fighting. I am on edge and I feel like I’ve slipped back into nonfunctioning again.

I am also reading ‘Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay’. That book is raising concerns for me, so like maybe Bart and anyone else who has read it could give me some guidance on that.

Is this just normal?

I’m kind of thinking that it’s the IC that is causing this. Meaning – I’m really diving into a lot of stuff so maybe I’m just dealing with things at a more rapid pace. I’m hoping that things will settle down eventually but I am also afraid that maybe I am realizing that this M just isn’t going to work.

On one hand I want fight off the feelings and look toward the positive side but on the other hand I am afraid that if I let things go that I am throwing myself into denial again.

H has really seemed to be trying very hard.

But then last night after yet another argument I discover 2 MORE places that he slept with her. And that YES he intentionally kept it from me because he didn’t want to deal with it. It’s been a freakin’ year for God’s sake and I am STILL finding out more? That just ticks me off to no end.

So here I am wondering if I am supposed to just let this go too and move onward. I am starting to feel like an idiot again. My C is encouraging me to hang in there. He has high hopes for H and I trust him.

Maybe I am still just fighting too hard and need to let it go.

Has anyone else had this happen – the IC causing things to get worse for a while?

Teri

Teri, the fighting is common!!!!...My h wanted to stop the MC because we fought all the time...it was also a period of discovery for us learning to listen and not blow up...we went to the movies after a session together or on the IC days so we didn't talk.( H won't give me flowers because each time- 2- he has, we have had a fight )

One thing I said to H was, " I need to know the whole truth what you remember"..He has told me as much as he recalls I still find out somethings but it doesn't hurt as much now because he is with me and the A is in the past.
.Teri the A lasted 7 yrs you know he had it, he had sex with her...he doesn't want to go over his life with a fine tooth comb...it hurts...so they keep it in...let it go....once you do it will be better.

pat

It's been 26 mths since d-day. Yesterday was our 18th anniversary. It went well....until. We were discussing friends of ours and how the wife lies and story tells where as the husband does not. So I mentioned that the H was the one who told me about the phone calls with the OW. So I said to my H, so that means what this guy said is true since he doesn't lie?

Well my husband got that deer in the headlight look and said "I said he might fabricate things and besides were talking about ??? here, why do you have to bring that $hit up on our anniversary" and then he just continued on talking.

Here he had always made it seem like the calls happened a couple times at the most and she had called him. Well that look on his face sure said differently! So I just fumed on the inside for the rest of the evening without letting him know I was severely pi$$ed at him.

I know he loves me, and wants to stay married to me, and he's making an honest effort in being a better husband then before and is making up for his mistake. However, the fact that there is so much detail he has refused to come clean about still infuriates me. It's like how dare you have ANY secret with her no matter how mini it is. I should be able to ask and get an answer to anything I ask at anytime I ask.

I've alway remained in control when a question was answered and thanked him for being honest. So why the need to still keep some details on his part??

Part of me thinks ya ok everything is going the way it should in regards to this marriage being better then it use to be and how many times does a person have to be questioned on a subject they feel horrible about when things are going fine? I certainly don't think I would want to be reminded of something horrible I did, especially if I've done a pretty good job of correcting it.

But then there is that part where you get mad all over again when you find out something else. Guess it's partly my fault, afterall, I did ask the question.

I guess the bottom line I have to ask myself is 'if things are going in the right direction, then why do I want to throw a curve into for?'

Not to take away from anyone, any board, or anything that helps you deal with affairs, because they can definately be life savers. But sometimes I think after a certain point,we read too many books, etc. and we become sorda paraniod and allow ourselves to stay in that mindframe.

Maybe we need to step back, get involved in some other subject a bit. Sorda like taking a vacation in a sense from the recovery material so we can see our marriage for what it's becoming instead of listening to others stories that only remind us of the pain.

Now I don't want anyone to be offended by what I said because others stories do help so many people including myself. I just think sometimes we may need a break from it for a while to start seeing our WS in a different, changing light? JMO

I kind of agree with adarim here.

Too much focus on the past just isn't a good thing. What will "knowing" for sure really tell you? That during the affair your husband was a liar? You already know that.

What will more "proof" do for you?

Or are you just looking for excuses to stay mad?

PLEASE listen to me: I did that (looked for excuses to stay mad). It didn't help, and it probably hurt A LOT. Don't get stuck on Anger Road. It's a dead end.

Do you really need to know all the details of HIS affair to heal YOU, Teri? Or do you just need to have an ever larger set of "triggers" so you can go off on him whenever you need an excuse...and keep control, or keep the upper hand? Ask your IC.

Chris.

Thanks you guys. I should have asked this a while ago. That's basically what I need right now is to know that it's normal.

I am having a hell of a time letting go. I think it is because in my past, even before H, I let go when I should have been fighting like hell. Or leaving. So I guess I am scared to death of losing control and slipping back into that. But, I WILL get it.

So I will move forward and not worry about THIS anymore.

I had a talk with H right after I wrote this and now I believe that he really WASN'T holding it back from me. I had him up against a wall last night and when I asked him WHY, he was trying to think fast instead of saying 'I don't know' yet again. So he said that he guessed he just didn't want to deal with it at the time.

I took it that he had been holding it back.

This is the good part though. We were able to talk about this calmly. Well, H is almost always calm. But I actually understood it. I had no problem believing him. I now really understand about the 'I don't knows' and the 'I can't remembers' and the 'I thought I told yous.' This feels good!

Also last night when I found out about the other 2 places, it didn't even bother me. It was like so what, I'll just toss those into the A pile. Like what you are talking about Chris. It didn't even matter. It didn't bother me. I think it bothered me that it didn't bother me.

What did bother me was that I thought he was still holding things back. But now I know he wasn't and that is what is important.

Pat, geeeez. You are on vacation. I didn't say anything in that email cause I'm trying to keep from dumping my stuff on you while you are having fun. I can't hide from you. God I love you!

Now that you mention it, I do recall many people here who started fighting during MC and quit.

Adarim, I agree with you that at some point we have to get away from this. I kind of wonder if maybe I SHOULDN'T be reading that book right now. I can see how it could cause more damage than good when I am trying to work with a C.

I feel like I can't just walk away right now though because I am just starting to really dive in and deal with things. A LOT of things. Things from my past, things from the A, triggers, you name it. I can't walk away right now.

I feel like a raging bull trying to run through a large deep mud swamp. I'm not quitin' darn it! I am in the mud swamp and I am going to keep going until I get to the other side if it kills me. I can't go backwards anymore. I am going to make it to that other side even if I lose my arms and legs in the process.

I just needed to know that this was normal so that I'll stop fighting the process.

Chris

<<are you just looking for excuses to stay mad?>>

Sometimes I think I am. When I am mad I am in control. Or at least I think I am. In reality though, I am totally NOT in control because if I was in control, the anger wouldn't consume me.

<<PLEASE listen to me>>

Chris, I learned a long time ago to listen to you. You have always given me good advice.

OK. I am going to have a better week. My new goal is to get through one week without getting angry.

Thanks

Teri

Whoa!

I didn't say "don't get angry".

I said don't get STUCK in anger.

As Harriet Lerner wrote, our anger is telling us something...we need to listen. As you said, constantly taking your anger out on your H (when he's not doing something to provoke it) does NOT mean you're in control, it means you're out of control.

Teach yourself to listen to your anger and understand where it's coming from. Discern between "righteous" anger (where you are genuinely wronged in the moment) and "self-righteous" anger (where you dredge up old anger or old hurts, which may not even be from your present relationship).

Chris.

Teri,

It seems to me that my W has a lot of baggage following a couple of life events that I suppose happened uniquely to her. She harbours bad news, she nurtures it, and forgets the good stuff in life very quickly. So the bad stuff always seems to her like it happened yesterday.

I do the opposite.

I soon forget bad news. I will soon forget the A and I told her so this weekend. I told her I forgave her and I don't want to dwell on it.

My W is an avid researcher. She wants to go to some sort of IC to deal with all kinds of stuff that may go back to childhood. She has worked out that most counselling is about churning through the past, bit by bit, which makes her feel lousy. Then, suddenly she finds a type of counselling that starts from TODAY. Wherever you are, it starts building from there, based on what you want. Now this has her excited as she doesn't really want a trip down memory lane.

I told her I don't want C. This board is my C and that will do me fine.

To sum up my W has worked out that there are some real downsides to MC and IC if you select the wrong kind for your own needs. Also it hinges on somebody else facilitating or contributing. No disrespect but what do they know? I think it is expecting too much of someone to say heal me!

Paul

It's unfortunate that you have that view about C. I have been with mine off and on for 10yrs now. I have the highest respect for him. My H also thinks very highly of him. He has 35 yrs of experience, teaches and has a PHD. Of course all of that could mean nothing but this man really is very good.

What the hell do they know? The good ones, one hell of a lot. I honestly don't know where I would be right now without him.

You say your wife doesn't want to go back. I can't say what is right for her but I know for me, I HAVE TO go back. I have to go back and deal with issues in order move forward. The past for me has the keys to the future and I am tired of carrying those bags around. I am in the process of unpacking those bags - taking the bricks out of them so they will be a lot lighter to carry. I used to hope that I could get rid of them completely but I have learned that they are now part of who I am and they will never disappear. I am learning, however, how to unload and to carry them in a way that will help me to be the best person I can be.

Paul I respect your opinion but I don't agree. You think that you can just let go of this and be done with it. You have read the posts on the OPEN board about what happens to those who don't deal with it. Read them again Paul. I highly doubt that you are immune to it. It will come back and bite you when you least expect it.

Paul I've got to wonder. Are you one of those people whose idea of dealing with things is to run away?

Please don't take this as an attack. It is surely not. Just a difference of opinion.

Teri