It's been a very long time since I posted here, I do read occasionally though, but have really lost touch with how everyone is doing. Quick reminder about me, my H had affair with someone he works with, she ended her marraige during this, expecting him to do the same, when I found out he ended their affair.
My problem: It's 3 years in Dec since my DD and my h still works EVERYDAY with OW. He says she is his "friend" and he seems to think that I have to accept this. The OW is still waiting for him to leave me, to the extent that she is telling her family and friends that they are still involved but with "no change for the better" (I have access to certain things she says). She does tell the most outrageous lies about things they are supposed to have done, like he bought her a ring, was going to deposit £50,000 into their "personnel account", (as if I would'nt know this!!!!!!), she was on holiday and he was supposed to have phoned 3 times on a Sat saying how much he missed her, we were away that weekend, he could'nt have. She told her sister that " XX was living at his mothers now, that she hoped this was the final break, thinks it will be, they will live in her house for the time being and re-assess later", all these have happened this year, other things in the previous 2 years, to many to go into, all complete rubbish.
But I don't think he helps this situation, as he tells me he has to "watch out for her, feels resposible" and he does do the odd thing to help her, when she moved house he helped, when I found this out, you can imagine I went bolistic. He would also go for a drink with her,at her request, this I have now stopped, he did'nt think there was anything wrong with this, it was "innocent" they are just work mates. I don't seem able to get through to him that this constant contact he has with her is'nt helping me or her for that matter, he always said she was obsessed with him, in some things she says I can see this as true, she even admitted this herself to her sister. What drives her I believe is the fact that he would'nt leave me for her, as she is the most conceited and self-absorbed person I have ever come across,she has this "why would he want his wife, when he could have me" attitude.
How do I cope with all this? he tells me to ignor it, it's "what she wants to happen", if he wanted to be with her he would be. Re-locating is not on option as he his due to retire in the not to distant future and also in his field it's not really feasible, I do find this a tremendous strain and it is harming my recovery.



Wildrice, (AKA Rosewolf) reading now I see that things have not worked out for you, I am sorry to hear as you did work very hard to get past this.

Regards to all
Sheila UK

Your only friend in this is the truth. What either of them is saying will be tempered by how they wish to see the world, and how they wish the world ( and you ) to perceive them.

Only the absolute truth, and not the version coming from either one of them, will give you peace.

Shiela,

I know how you feel, my H worked with the OW for 2 more years after the A was over. She told him at that time that she would wait 2 more years for him to leave me and sure enough she was a constant shadow for those times. She resigned from the company on the day that my second baby died and left the company exactly 2 years to the date. Talk about rubbing it in my face.

The problem lies with your H still having contacts with her. By "watching out" for her, he is not "telling" her that it is over. What did work for me was that H never talked to her again in those 2 years, they were strangers at the office. I think your H need to send a strong message by completely ignoring her. Do you think he's willing to do that?

Hello Gina,
I have tried that. He says she does know it's over, I don't believe she does or just won't accept it, she has know idea that I have access to the information I get, some of the things she has said are quite staggering, she clearly does have a problem, I have pointed this out to h but he won't admit anything is wrong with her, just aswell I don't have a rabbit!!!!!. H was'nt too pleased when he found out what I have done, I am careful not to let him know to much also, for armed is for warned, so to speak. He really can't "not speak " to her as they do literally work together, he has 2 dept under his control and she is chief of one of them, so they do have to converse, I have asked him to just keep the conversation about work, but that is not always easy to maintain. He does only see her in work, never goes anywhere anymore, I put a stop to that, that was how the affair started in the beginning, they would go to meetings with an overnight stop, I was never comfortable with this but he re-assured me that she was a "happily married woman", obviously not!!. I also believe he is quite flattered by her continued attention.

X Sheila

Sheila wrote >>I do find this a tremendous strain and it is harming my recovery<<

I enjoy the fine art of understatement as much as the next guy but ...

>>I don't think he helps this situation<<

Nor do I. If he wanted to put a stop to it, obviously he would.

>>He always said she was obsessed with him<<

What a happy coincidence! How nice that must be for him.

>>I also believe he is quite flattered by her continued attention<<

It would be for me.

>>when she moved house he helped<<

and he thinks *what* about that exactly? That it's the normal and acceptable behaviour of a devoted life's partner?

>>he did'nt think there was anything wrong with this, it was "innocent" they are just work mates<<

buh blah, buh blah, buh blah, buh blah

Find a neighbor who is single but sweet and kind, have an affair with him, break it off, but continue to have coffee with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Saturdays and Sundays could be your days for making him a nice hot supper. Explain to your h that you see nothing wrong with your relationship. Your neighbour is a just a lonely old soul who needs some companionship. Yes, the poor chap may be obsessed with you, but as far as you are concerned, your relationship has simply evolved into a good friendship.

>>I don't seem able to get through to him that this constant contact he has with her is'nt helping me<<

What on earth could help him to "get it" at this point, after 3 years?

>>How do I cope with all this?<<

I can't help you there because I couldn't. Your h has made it very clear that talking about it won't change a thing. I don't mean to be flip - it sounds like an extremely painful way to live. You must know just how absurd the whole situation is. I don't see how it can go on like this. Surely one of you will eventually crack.

When I saw the name "Sheila" I thought it couldn't possibly be UK Sheila. I'm very sorry that things seem to be working out this way.

Yes, it's me once again.
Yes I do agree, this is the most absurd situation, almost laughable. I am rapidly getting to the point where I don't "give a damn". If the OW still lives in this fantasyland, living in "hope", well thats her problem. He does come home every evening from work to me, sleeps in my bed.
I have repeatedly told him that I could not live like this, his constant contact in work, her not accepting it was over (she is very domineering and does'nt take rejection easily, she was on her 2nd marraige, her 1st ended when she had an affair with the man who was to become her 2nd husband, who was dumped when she had the affair with my h) my h response is "it will sort itself out in the end". He has ostrich syndrome.
We have had the most horrendous rows, he actually move into his mothers house, it was empty (she was in a residential home then, she has since died) last year for 2 weeks.
For the most part, I do manage OK,I have accepted that he DOES have to work with her, but something will be said (by the tart) and I lose it, again.
I just have to count the days to when he will eventually retire and get away from the place.

I hope you are well,

XX Sheila

>>I am rapidly getting to the point where I don't "give a damn" ... I have repeatedly told him that I could not live like this ... We have had the most horrendous rows ... I just have to count the days to when he will eventually retire<<

When my X and I were in a smilar situation, a marriage counselor told us that things could not continue this way. Either something had to change or at some point, one of us would simply throw our hands in the air and walk away. I think she was talking about me, but I've never been sure.

I couldn't win my race against the clock but I hope you win yours.

"things have not worked out for you"

Thank you, however, I'd like to point out my current perspective. I did work very hard to get past this and basically have succeeded. Things did work out for me in terms of getting out of an abusive, alcoholic, adulterous relationship. I have no complaints about the divorce settlement. (he might). He is back with her.

My life is overhauled but getting better and better in new ways. It's ok now.

Like the new name by the way.
Yes, you most certainly have worked things out for YOU. Your life is now 100% improved and have found peace.
I have missed a lot, at what point did you decide to move your goal posts and change direction?
I do wish sometimes that my h had had the courage to go and be with his harpy, it would'nt have lasted long as they really are sooooooo different and I believe he knows this. The only thing they have in common is work, oh and yes, both are adulterers.

Bart, the last time I was about on this site, I think you were working to keep your marraige, you obviously decided it was to hard so you chucked the towel in, how things change. I hope you have found what you want.

XX Sheila

PS. And I still can't do those pesky smillies !!!!!!

Sheila,

Lots of changes!

 

"at what point did you decide to move your goal posts and change direction?"

Late 2002. The introduction of physical attacks started it in earnest. My heart was headed out the door.

Early 2003 it was clear that there would be no alcohol treatment and no improvements due to that. I told him I wanted a divorce.

I moved out of my home late May 2003. It was a safety issue. My intent was to wait until the house sold, and then proceed with as amicable divorce as possible.

In October 2003 I discovered that the affair had resumed months before, and perhaps never entirely ended.

He was served papers in November 2003. My attorney advised me on how to proceed.

It was over in April.

 

 

It was over Feb 11, 1999.

 

>>Bart, the last time I was about on this site, I think you were working to keep your marraige<<

That must have been a couple of years ago now. I moved out of the house in January 2003 and my wife filed for divorce in June 2003.

>>you obviously decided it was to hard so you chucked the towel in<<

Had to chuck summat or I was going to get flushed down lou and wasn't coming back out.

>>I hope you have found what you want<<

I'm not sure about that. The trouble and strife got into a rehab programme a couple of months ago and has been going to AA every day since. I suspect it wasn't a coincidence that our divorce trial was scheduled to start at almost exactly the same time that she checked in to rehab (oops sorry ... you'll have to carry on without me ...). After getting over a serious bout of the DT's, things seem to have gone quite smoothly. I have custody at least until she gets herself sorted out.

Me'n the lads have been doing fine in our 3 bedroom apartment. My eldest finished (the equivalent of) sixth form in May (wish he could have tackled a couple of A levels) and will work for a year or so to save some cash for uni next autumn. My youngest has started secondary school and is on the tennis squad - we play every weekend. Sadly he's had to give up football (the one played with the foot) because he doesn't have time for it as well as tennis. He was a hell of a mid-fielder, even if I do say so myself.

I'm hopeful that with time, I'll find what I want. For now, it's difficult to truly "move on" without a completed divorce. My lawyer goes in for open heart surgery at the end of this week so I'm hoping that we might be able to get it all tucked away before Christmas. That would be awfully nice.

Wow the Bartmeister plays tennis, man I never would of guessed that one. I'm impressed!

Bart, <That would be awfully nice> my,my, you sound English and the green wellie, pro fox-hunting brigade !!!!!!!! NO, I mus'nt go down THAT road. With the name Bartholomew though, I was getting sus. If you hav'nt noticed before, I'm Welsh.
The last time I was around the World Cup was on, countdown has started for the next one I do believe.
Your life does now seem to be moving in the right direction, allthough be it slowwwwww and your boys seem to have adjusted well (not just on the surface I hope).

XX Sheila

>>my,my, you sound English<<

Half breed - English and Scots - it was a mixed marriage me Mum and Dad had.

But as far as I'm concerned, if Sean Connery can't leave his Caribbean estate once each year and live in Scotland for a fortnight or two he can piss orff and take his opinions on the national assembly with him.

>>If you hav'nt noticed before, I'm Welsh.<<

I thought I heard some melody in your accent but I couldn't be sure.

>>and the green wellie, pro fox-hunting brigade !!!!!!!!<<

Come off it. My wellies have always been black, thank you very much. You can't tell me the Welsh never let an "awfully nice" slip occasionally.

>>The last time I was around the World Cup was on, countdown has started for the next one I do believe<<

I see Wales v England will be at it in a week or so. Answer me this. Why on earth is a bloke with a name like Michael Owen playing for England?

>>Your life does now seem to be moving in the right direction, allthough be it slowwwwww and your boys seem to have adjusted well (not just on the surface I hope)<<

They've had their fair share of struggle but I think they'll be fine. I'm just knackered, know what I mean?

Ha! I knew yous was bi-lingual, Our Bart. You should write in NW English more often, knowwarrameanlike Lar.

A man should always wear wellies...

Annieliz wrote >>I knew yous was bi-lingual<<

Ta mate. Not only that but I may've left me spanner in yer boot .... and I'd wager me best titfer you know where this bit of dialogue comes from (imagine a glaswegian brogue)

>>>>
I hate being Scottish. We're the lowest of the ****ing low, the scum of the earth, the most wretched, servile, miserable, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some people hate the English, but I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. We can't even pick a decent culture to be colonized by. We are ruled by effete arseholes. It's a ****e state of affairs and all the fresh air in the world will not make any ****ing difference.
>>>>

Shouldn't you be in bed?

Micheal Owen, well yes, he does sound Welsh, lives in N.Wales, but is'nt Welsh.
Yes, we do get the odd "awfully nice" type of people aswell, in their green wellies, though this year, Hunter (the original green wellie) have introduced some lovely bright colours, 50 years in production, with every sale they will donate to a charity. So, all the "Hooray Henries" will be sporting red, yellow, bright blue, bright green ones(wellies, that is)
I did'nt know Wales v England was coming up, that should be a laugh, Wales are not that good, but, they could get lucky !!!!!
Half Scot then eh, we Celts have to stick together.

XX Sheila

>>we Celts have to stick together<<

I like to bash away on a guitar (the most Celtic of instruments) and lately I've been trying to learn a few oldies but goldies like "Flow Gently Sweet Afton", "Cock o' the North" (me auntie mary had a canary ...), etc. Several of my favorite Scottish folk songs, such as "The Skye Boat Song" (... carry the lad that's born to be king, over the sea to Skye ...) are about the Jacobite risings. So I did a little research on Google just to remind myself what the Jacobites were on about. You know who "Bonnie Prince Charlie" was? A drunken French aristocrat! He never even lived in Scotland, let alone the highlands (exept when the red coats were after him).

"Follow me and we will slaughter ze English in zer beds. And don't worry if you get a bermp."

"A bermp?".

"Yes, a bermp. Here. On yer head"

"Surely you mean a bump, laddie."

"Zats what I said. A bermp. And for ze last time, do not call me Shirley"

Talk about disillusioning. "Will ye no come back again" includes the lines "Ye trusted in your Hielan' men, They trusted you dear Chairlie". Were they joking? Trust a handsome, alcoholic general to march an army of highlanders to within 100 miles of London, say "oopsie daisy", and then head for Hadrian's Wall. "Will ye *please* no come back again" more like it. No wonder there are more descendants of highlanders in Upper Canada than they are in Scotland.

My great grandfather went broke canning kippers in Aberdeenshire.

>>I did'nt know Wales v England was coming up, that should be a laugh, Wales are not that good, but, they could get lucky !!!!!<<

I suppose there's not much chance of forming a British side. I'm hoping they might be able to put one together for the Olympics (in London?).

Have you ever seen "Allo, Allo"?you sound as if you have. The French resistance cafe owner was always getting a "burmp on the ead".
My great grandmother was from Brittany, so I have a smattering of French in me, something I don't advertise as I don't really like the French much, they can be very arrogant.
No, I did'nt know Bonnie Prince Charlie was a frog, but then again, our Royal family are of German origin. Princess Di was the most British of the lot.
No, I don't think there will be a British Football team. The Welsh team does have the odd good player, but we don't have enough to make a "full set". The rugby season, 6 nations should start soon, we have been pretty dismal at that of late though, way back in the 60/70's we swept the board, a force to be reckoned with. Then the WRU changed the structure at club level and it all went to pot.
Do you ever visit Scotland? and do you have a kilt?

XX Sheila

Sheila you wrote-

<I have a smattering of French in me, something I don't advertise as I don't really like the French much, they can be very arrogant.>-

It's funny, my French great-grandmother married my Scottish great-grandfather, and had 14 children.

I've heard that comment about being arrogant bantered back and forth between Brits/Celts and the French.

It's a stereotype that I found to be FALSE on both parts.

For the first time in my life, last year, at 49 yrs. young, I went to England. I was in awe at the architecture of London . When I was waiting for a bus in Bath, a little old lady invited me to her home for lunch. EVERYONE I met was kind and helpful. I had a special treat getting to meet Annieliz, who is compassionate and a riot.

I just returned a week ago from France. EVERYONE there was kind and helpful. And I fell in love with an older couple in their sixties, ( Gerard and Eliana). I had tea in their home, and the next day when I left the village, Eliana gave me a little white and gold Limoges creamer to bring back to the states.

I hope that any future dealings that you have with any culture are positve ones.

MM


Sheila- edited to add-

One thing I have noticed about Celts is they seem to have a lot of inner emotional strength, determination and resolve. I couldn't deal with my H working with the OW.

sheila >>Have you ever seen "Allo, Allo"?you sound as if you have. The French resistance cafe owner was always getting a "burmp on the ead"<<

I was trying for more of an Inspector Clouseau (dew yew 'ave a leesaunce fer yer minkey? ... 'ow was I supposed to kneuw zey were rubbing ze bank?) Peter Sellers slays me.

sheila >>The rugby season, 6 nations should start soon, we have been pretty dismal at that of late though, way back in the 60/70's we swept the board, a force to be reckoned with<<

I remember. In my mind, every Welshperson sings beautifully and plays rugger (with the possible exception of Tom Jones and Michael Douglas' wife).

sheila >>Do you ever visit Scotland?
It's been ages. But when I do, I'll go for a swim in the Firth of Fourth.

sheila >>and do you have a kilt?<<
Yes but I'll only wearrr it underrr me trrrrrouse.

MM wrote >>I've heard that comment about being arrogant bantered back and forth between Brits/Celts and the French<<

My first visit to France, I got off the boat train (no chunnel in those days) and was studying a map of Le Metro when a gendarme came up to me and asked in broken English if 'e could 'elp. I took an instant liking to the place.

I can't imagine what kind of first impression the U.S. makes on tourists who land in New York. The world over, big city mice can seem arrogant and abrasive to us country mice. I'm guessing the reputation of the French mainly comes from Parisians.

MM. My dislike of the French stems from something a long time ago(not stereotyping) that I will not go into here.
My daughter did a degree in French and last year spent 6mths in Paris, from personnel experiance I found that, as I said, they can be arrogant, outside of Paris the French, on the whole, are nice people.
I have visited many countries(France many times), different cultures and have always respected the people for the way I have been embraced by them.

Bart. Peter Sellers, Pink Panther films are really funny. I don't know if you have seen any of the "Allo, Allo" programmes, but the humour is similar. The programme was translated into French and German to be shown in those countries, but the humour was lost in the translation.
I would love to see you swim in the Firth of Forth, you'd have to be careful or you'll freeze your $$$$$ off.

You mean you would'nt "hang loose" under your kilt???

XX Sheila

>> I don't know if you have seen any of the "Allo, Allo" programmes, but the humour is similar.<<
I don't remember it. BBC America has a few British comedies (Keeping up Appearances, As Time Goes By) but it seems to have alot of home improvement programmes. The naked chef can be fun.

Speaking of British comedies, do remember "our Onslow" (one of my favoritest sitcom characters ever) from the tv version of Coronation Street. I was a big fan of the radio version of Coronation Street too. I bought the complete set of Fawlty Towers on tape. I never tire of Manuel (I speek eenglish verry welllll - I learned it from a boooook).

>>I would love to see you swim in the Firth of Forth, you'd have to be careful or you'll freeze your $$$$$ off.<<

It wouldn't be the first time my grapes turned to raisins in the firth. Dad was fond of 'building character' (stop yer chattering and in ya go, me wee bairn).

>>You mean you would'nt "hang loose" under your kilt???<<

Is there another way to hang under a kilt?

Which reminds me of a joke. Stop me if you've heard this one. A drunken highlander was staggering home after a night at the pub when he decided to have a nap under a tree. Twa lassies spotted the sleeping man and decided to solve once and for all the mystery of what's worn under a kilt. Gently, they lifted his kilt, and found themselves more than suitably impressed. As a token of their esteem, they took a blue ribbon from one of their bonnets and tied it around the Scottish member.

In the morning, the Scotsman awoke, scratched his head, and wondered where he was. As he stood up to relieve himself against the tree, he glanced down and proclaimed "Well I don't know where you've been laddie, but congratulations - it seems you won first prize!"

as a French passport carrier - still after so many years living in the States - be kind to 'frogs' lol lol

Paris does not make France as New York does not make the US

and MM you know that - arrogance..... please... do you know what the national bird is ????

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Wow, lots of Celts here. We do seem to get around.

Bart, are you a fan of Robbie Burns? My H is from the same neck of the Lowlands, and the Afton that Burns writes about, flows through his home village. Mr Burns wandered the countryside writing verse and seducing married women..

Some of those old folk songs are wonderful. I'm glad you're still playing the guitar. You ever play air guitar? I hope so.

And MM, what a sweetheart you are. I am delighted to be described as compassionate and a riot. Ha! So when are you coming back to again drink tea in the Abbey Cloisters???

And for those of you not fortunate to have met MM, she looks like she's a Celtic Princess, ( and that's not e talk)
Have you ever considered, MM, that people are specially nice to you because they can tell what a wonderful person you are??

Scots wha' hae wi' Wallace bled
Scots wham Bruce had oftimes led
Lead us to your gory bed
Or tae victory.

(That's no a cut paste job - strictly from memry)

Mr. Burns was a knave but could turn a phrase. Wee sleekit cowrin timrous beastie is probably my favorite. Auld Lang Syne isn't bad if you can hear the verses without conjuring drunk people groping and kissing each other. Sweet Afton I like for the choon.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn
Frae morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin auld lang syne.

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

Cheers Bart!!

Willy, in one of his bright new sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Willy.