Hi everyone. I've had a rough month. I knew September was going to be difficult because dday was one year ago on the 5th, but I just can't get out of this funk I'm in.

I'm trying so hard to repair my badly damaged marriage from my husband's six week affair with a co-worker. I have read so many books and we are even on the board of Retrouvaille, but I am still struggling. I read the book Torn Asunder and asked my husband to do this exercise with me from the book. We each had to make a list of 20 things that make us feel special, loved, understood etc..Anyway, I memorized everything on his list and I've made a point of doing a little of each of them for him. He didn't even ask for my list, so I made one anyway and emailed it to him at work. He read it and said "Sure, no problem. I can do these things." Well, I don't think he's done one of them, or even tried. One thing on the list that is very important to me has to do with my 10 year old son. He is mentally impaired and really struggles in his special education class at school. My husband has always been very cold to my son and it really hurts me. My son absolutely adores my husband, wants to hug him and play with him all the time, but my husband is always pushing him away. Well, my husband is really good at math and so I asked him to help our son because he is really nervous about getting bad grades and failing the fourth grade. Well, my husband agreed but everynight he screams at my son and says things like "Why is this so hard to understand for you?" and constantly tells him that he is not trying and that he is lazy. When I can't take it anymore, I say "Just stop it, right now." He says "No. I won't stop until he gets it." I've asked him numerous times to stop doing this, he is hurting our son and he agrees to let up but then he does in again. I just don't understand why he doesn't love our son like I do. It makes me want to cry. I've caught my son whispering to himself that he is a loser and stupid and that his brain doesn't work right. That stabs at my heart like a knife!!!

My husband doesn't take my list of wants and needs seriously like I do his. My thinking is that I wasn't meeting these needs before and that's what made him vulnerable to an affair so I better wake up and smell the coffee now. But when I ask my husband why he doesn't do the things that I ask him to do he just says "I don't think about it." I think that he thinks that because I'm not the kind of person to cheat on my spouse that he doesn't have to work at meeting my needs. He once told my brother-in-law that he didn't care if I had a boyfriend because he's not a jealous guy. That hurt. What that tells me is that I am nothing special to him and that he doesn't feel lucky to have me, like I feel about him.

I'm starting to wonder if we will ever work this out. I'm losing hope, a little more each day.

Thanks guys.

Shelley

>>I just don't understand why he doesn't love our son like I do<<

He does. Your husband does love your son very much. He just doesn't know how to show him.

>>I've caught my son whispering to himself that he is a loser and stupid<<

And even though your son will love his son (your grandson) very much, he'll have to work very hard not to communicate to his son (your grandson) this he is a loser and stupid and that he'll never live up to his father's expectations.

We perfectionists are all the same - we're contagious.

>>My thinking is that I wasn't meeting these needs before and that's what made him vulnerable to an affair so I better wake up and smell the coffee now<<

Some day, I hope to be present (maybe even preside) at the graveside of that particular view of affairs.

>>He once told my brother-in-law that he didn't care if I had a boyfriend because he's not a jealous guy<<

And I can shoot beer bottles off of fence posts at a 100 yards with a pistol. I eat nails and schiit barbed wire. Your h has no idea. I know because I didn't either. I said more or less the same thing to my (then) fiance 25 years ago - that if she ever had an affair, I would forgive her. Talk is cheap in this business.

>>That hurt. What that tells me is that I am nothing special to him and that he doesn't feel lucky to have me, like I feel about him<<

I can understand why it would hurt but I very much doubt what your h said is true. He just doesn't know. Ignorance may be bliss but it can also be dangerous.

First let me say, in response to your previous posts, that there isn't anything "wrong" with you because you are still having alot of hurt, anger and confusion over your husband's affair. Sadly for you, your husband is finished answering questions which means that you are going to have to make peace with it by yourself. It isn't easy but it can be done. Recovering your marriage and recovering yourself are intertwined but they are separate; you have control of your personal recovery. It doesn't always feel that way but trust me, you can recover even without your spouse's cooperation.

I also had a list of things I wanted my husband to do to make amends and help me feel loved and special again -- it was quite short and he still did not do them. This hurt me for a long time and if I let myself think about it too much it still is quite painful. There comes a point though that you realize it really isn't about you -- the affair, the aftermath, the inability to help you heal, the way he deals with your son. It is all wrapped up in what is going on inside their heads and they have to want to figure it out for themselves. What you might be able to see if you heal yourself are the qualities that you fell in love with in the first place. If there is enough there you may be able to overcome all the other painful stuff. I am five years past dday and even though my marriage is not good and I still think about separating, we are both still here so there may still be some hope.

I feel for you in regards to your son. I also have a special needs child, he has autism spectrum disorder and my husband also had very little time to spend helping him and I think dealing with the whole thing is part of the reason he had an affair. When I was so devastated over the affair my patience was very thin and that was something really hard for me to get over, the time my son lost because I was unable to devote as much energy to him.

The one bit of advice I will offer is that you really need to take care of your own healing at this point. Come here if it helps you, see a counselor on your own, spend time doing things you like with people you like. I don't come here all the time like I used to but now and again I find it helpful to stop in and see that I am not alone in all this. Especially when I feel like I am coming to some new realizations about my life as I have recently.

In regards to your son, I will say that in the last few years my son has shown alot of improvement and so my husband has become much more able to spend time with him, it has been good for both of them. Hopefully yours will too, it is important for kids to be close to they dads as well as their moms. I will also say that there were times in the past that I also had alot of frustration with my son, when a child learns and thinks differently it can be hard to understand that they are not intentionally "not getting it" but that they truly have a mental block so to speak.

Maybe your husband and son could find some other activity that they both enjoy to do together, rather than doing something that is hard and frustrating for your son. Even if it is just going to the hardware store together or a movie or bowling or something. Gives your husband a chance to relate to your son like any other child. Getting along with your family and other people can be far more important than math in alot of ways, IMHO. I think that spending time with a child and showing a child, any child, that they are loved is the most important thing you can do for them, and obviously your son is well-loved by you. I'll bet your husband loves him too; his coldness might be covering up feelings of anger or helplessness.

Hope you feel better soon Shelley. Hang in there. Love, --Rosie

The all purpose prescription:

Focus on healing YOURSELF. If you hurt, and you are angry, it means you haven't healed yet.

It takes a LOT longer if you're not getting help, I can tell you from experience. But it is no less necessary. In order to be a good parent, you have to be whole. And you do not have to be happily married, or even happy in your marriage, to be whole.

You have to be reasonably happy in your own skin. So I respectfully suggest you start there and work outward.

Chris.

Shelley,
((((Hugs))))
I also have a child who has a learning disability and they need special attention..I am active in a group that deals with learning disabilities and I will tell you the 90% of the fathers will not recognize that their son can be different from what ever normal is...it is not quite so bad with girls but almost...I have talked to fathers and they feel it is a personal attack to their masculinity if child is not perfect...my H watching our son struggle realized that some of the issues son has he also has...right now your sons self esteem is critical and needs to be build up...he is feeling the pressure of not being perfect...

Have you gone to any MC or IC..that is important for you and your son...

Shelley you can not control your H and his words or deeds but you can put yourself first take care of you then you will have the energy to care for your son...

You are in trigger heaven as I call certain months and I really struggle then..the triggers are our subconscious mind reminding us of past hurt...self protective it will get better with time...

take care of yourself,

pat